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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To curb my parent's chat under their roof?

303 replies

Masterofkarateandfriendship · 04/08/2019 00:05

Feeling like a total bitch for being annoyed by this right now, but it's getting to the point where visits to my childhood home with my partner (who is not local to my hometown) are really tough. My parents are lovely, generous, caring people in their 70's and live in the small community in which I was brought up. They are both originally from big cities but have lived here for most of their married life. The dinner table chat almost always reverts to chat about locals and what they're up to - not usually funny tales, but generally a monologue about the who's who of the area, gossip and is generally completely unrelatable to my partner who has never met any of the people they're talking about. I try so hard to divert the conversation and find something of interest that doesn't involve talking about local people. My sister (whose husband is also not local) and I have been fighting this losing battle for years. I love my parents but I could cry at the lack of chat and rather than appreciating the time I have left with them, I feel that the only thing I am learning from this is what I don't want to be like when I'm older. Question is....should I say something to try to instigate different.conversation or should we all just carry on as we are

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 04/08/2019 08:30

I think it is wrong to relate this to age. Because not everyone is boring.

You can be a crashing bore when young, middle aged or old. Or you might be terribly dull for a while (new mothers?) but get over it.

One sees it in ones parents, because there are very few people who you would keep seeing even when they irritate the hell out of you. So the temptation to 'other' it, as ascribe it to something that is not personal.

"I think we count as oldies as late 50s"

That's still young, with a decade or more of working life to go.

BeerandBiscuits · 04/08/2019 08:31

The mid life bores talk about their own kids, their talents and their out of school activities and how good they are at them. Kill me now. I would rather hear about people’s neighbours.

God yes, nothing worse than hearing people bore on about their "little family's" doings.

shadyzadie123 · 04/08/2019 08:33

Oh OP, I completely get this! My parents do it too, coupled with a complete lack of interest in what's going on in my life. Occasionally I'll try to interject something into the conversation about what I've been up to since I last saw them, but no uptake, and it's straight back into their monologues about local roadworks or whatever.

The worse was when I popped in to see them with my new partner after we'd been overseas for a week, (we were literally on our way home from the airport). Not a single question about our holiday, or any attempt to get to know my partner, but lots of information about people who I barely see and he wouldn't know. I try to be indulgent of it most of the time, but the actual rudeness (unintended rudeness, but still) really got to me on that occasion.

As a poster above said, conversations are about connecting with people. I'd love to feel that connection with my parents, but it's like they have no interest in my life whatsoever.

diddl · 04/08/2019 08:44

It's not really that different to people who constantly go on about work, is it?

What do his parents talk about when you visit them Op?

PhDone · 04/08/2019 08:51

One of my grans is like this... Once I was driving and she dramatically pointed at a random house (in front of my face, making me swerve), to tell me that her cousin's friend had lived there 50 years ago...
I realised later that same visit that she'd never actually told me how she met my grandfather though... All these boring stories about people I don't know or care about, but not ones that would actually interest me!

pictish · 04/08/2019 08:51

I can appreciate that you find your parents’ chat dull and I also understand that it won’t make much sense to your dh...but ywbvu to take them to task over it! They’re not accessories to your relationship, they’re in their house and talking about their stuff.
I guess you can politely steer the conversation away I guess but getting annoyed at them for this is rather self-important.

MsTSwift · 04/08/2019 08:52

In our friendship group there is one woman and one guy who are terrible at this. For some reason both make a beeline for dh who gets to hear all about their respective kids various sporting achievements. They never ask about our kids. Dh has to bite his tongue as the kid in question is quite violent at school (late primary) and he has to not comment on her superlative right hook Grin. Their respective spouses lovely and barely mention their kids.

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 08:54

Thing is - we all have the capacity to be boring. Fact.

I think when it comes to parents we have an expectation that they should be interested in our lives as they were when we were younger

Maybe now it's their turn to have us pay them the compliment of being interested in THEM

Put those expectations away. Just love those people who gave you life and brought you up

You will be SO grateful that you did this , when they're dead

Fairyliz · 04/08/2019 08:54

DD (25) lives 150 Miles away and has come home for the weekend. She spent 1.5 hours on Friday telling me about her job and the people she works with none of whom I know. I actually wanted to have a little nap as I was exhausted at the end of the week, but I listened and appeared interested because I love her.
Why don’t you have a bit of compassion op or tell them about your life? I can guarantee you are not such an exciting conversationalist as you think you are.

SarcySue · 04/08/2019 08:55

Points made by PP regarding being grateful to still have parents and to be gracious in their company have been noted. Thank you for the reality check/humility lesson.

I will endeavour to restrain my belligerent inner teenager and be thankful for the time I have with them. Like many others, I know too well the pain of that empty seat at the table Sad

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 08:56

Excellent post @Fairyliz

I listen endlessly to my daughter because I love her

Am I always interested in people and subjects I know nothing about? No.

But love makes us beautiful people Thanks

SlowDown76mph · 04/08/2019 08:58

Try showing a bit of interest. Their lives and current experiences are very narrow. They have a limited range of topics to engage you with in conversation. You will go home and back to your own interests. This is just a small piece out of your time. Be nicer.

TheStuffedPenguin · 04/08/2019 09:01

Of course you are not alone !!! This is the small world that your parents live in ! This will be YOU one day ! Why don't you try to use the time to talk about good or funny family memories ?

Juells · 04/08/2019 09:02

I suspect that those going on about how mean the OP is have never been on the receiving end of this.

FlamingoQueen · 04/08/2019 09:02

My pil do this. I am used to it, but when sil’s sil was at the house and mil was saying about random neighbours I found it embarrassing on their behalf. They live in a village and have done for many years. I think they don’t have a lot else to talk about when more worldly people come and visit (when I say more worldly, I mean they live outside the village!). What really irritates me though is when they are talking to my dc about their lives and interrupt with a story about their neighbour that’s had the same thing happen.

proudestofmums · 04/08/2019 09:03

I’m feeling really special today - DH nd I are around the age of OP’s parents but we must be really out of the ordinary for old people - last time we saw DS and DDIL we talked about his work, topical issues arising from it, her work, her family, the B word, politics in USA, film, told some topical jokes etc. We are wonderful, aren’t we? (irony emoticon)

Donotpaintitgrey · 04/08/2019 09:05

Sounds very much like dinner with my in-laws. My DH has tried his best over the years and it has improved - slightly. Honestly I just glaze over now and plan my online shop or whatever.

katseyes7 · 04/08/2019 09:06

My ex in laws used to do this. l'm from a different town, but my husband, MIL, FIL, BIL and SIL would sit there for hours talking about people they knew (husband, BIL and SIL had all been to the same school, too). lt wasn't an age thing - husband, BIL and SIL were all in their late 20s-early 30s at the time. l just don't think it occurred to them that l didn't know any of these people.

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 09:06

Rubbish @Juells

If you read my posts you'd see I have first hand experience of what the OP is taking about.

However if my DP was put out by my parents' conversations I'd ditch him because he'd be a thunder cunt

MrsKittyFane1 · 04/08/2019 09:09

I find older people's conversation more interesting than colleagues conversation to be honest.
I'd rather hear about real people & doctor appointments from older relatives than the latest reality contestant (love island type stuff), beauty procedure or fad diet from colleagues.

NataliaOsipova · 04/08/2019 09:10

You can be a crashing bore when young, middle aged or old.

Agree with this wholeheartedly!!

My mother does a variant of this, which is to be almost bizarrely interested in the doings of really quite vague acquaintances. She was really annoyed with me that I hadn’t told her that my cousin’s ex wife’s half brother had died. We’d all met said chap a few times over the years, but not for the past couple of decades..... I was sorry to hear that he had died, obviously, but it just wasn’t “news” to me that I felt the need to impart widely. She just sees it differently. I wonder if it stems from not using technology; nowadays, it’s much easier to keep up with old acquaintances should you wish to and hence it isn’t necessary to make it a conversation piece.

FaFoutis · 04/08/2019 09:11

I used to be on the receiving end of this from my ILs. It was the same stories (usually about someone called Brian) every visit and they never showed interest in their son or grandchildren. I would not have minded the stories if they had ever shown interest in my husband, grandchildren or even me.

I don't think this is just an age thing. I can't believe these people ever had social skills.

Oranginna · 04/08/2019 09:12

To change it up a bit, ask them about their childhoods and their first jobs. What they ate what they did what their house was like.
When they're gone you won't be able to.

SandyY2K · 04/08/2019 09:12

Maybe try and say, we'll catch up about Mrs.xxx later, when we have a catch up on all the locals with you mum.

Then introduce another topic briskly.

CottonSock · 04/08/2019 09:13

My parents do this. Because mum is loosing memory it may also be repeated many times. My dh zones out but is very tolerant. I thought you were going to say they were swearing or something. I've had a go at my dad for that before.