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AIBU?

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Original poster

To curb my parent's chat under their roof?

303 replies

Masterofkarateandfriendship · 04/08/2019 00:05

Feeling like a total bitch for being annoyed by this right now, but it's getting to the point where visits to my childhood home with my partner (who is not local to my hometown) are really tough. My parents are lovely, generous, caring people in their 70's and live in the small community in which I was brought up. They are both originally from big cities but have lived here for most of their married life. The dinner table chat almost always reverts to chat about locals and what they're up to - not usually funny tales, but generally a monologue about the who's who of the area, gossip and is generally completely unrelatable to my partner who has never met any of the people they're talking about. I try so hard to divert the conversation and find something of interest that doesn't involve talking about local people. My sister (whose husband is also not local) and I have been fighting this losing battle for years. I love my parents but I could cry at the lack of chat and rather than appreciating the time I have left with them, I feel that the only thing I am learning from this is what I don't want to be like when I'm older. Question is....should I say something to try to instigate different.conversation or should we all just carry on as we are

OP posts:
thatone · 04/08/2019 07:57

OP I get what you mean. Yes, we should respect our parents etc but I know what you mean. A good conversation involves connection between people and it probably frustrates you that all this time you and your DP spend with them is a missed opportunity to connect in a meaningful way. Could you somehow develop their conversation gently by questioning/speculating on why they find the lives of others so interesting.

Yogagirl123 · 04/08/2019 07:57

This reply has been deleted

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Catsandchardonnay · 04/08/2019 07:59

My mum sometimes does this. Sometimes DH and I join in the conversation, and I explain who the people are, sometimes we lightly tease DM about it, and we have a laugh. She knows she does it and joins in with the joke. Ooh what’s so-and-so’s daughter’s husband’s cousin up to these days?! It’s all part and parcel of being a family.

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2019 07:59

@Yogagirl123
So fucking rude!!

And ageist.

Do tell us about your fascinating conversation topics.

Cantmakeupmymind1 · 04/08/2019 08:00

Papa I understand that and I'm not suggesting she doesn't appreciate her parents. I'm merely stating that it is a small, and it seems very common, irritant to put up with. I'm watching my friends lose their parents one after the other now they're in their 70's and so many wish they could rewind and have time with them again.

Catsandchardonnay · 04/08/2019 08:00

Btw you can’t control what people talk about. That’s fascism. YABU

Cantmakeupmymind1 · 04/08/2019 08:03

I also agree with Moondust. I have a niece in her 20's and find her conversation which is Love Island, Real Housewives, Kardashians, Towie tripe to be mind numbingly boring!

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 08:05

@Nanny0gg , we can be sure that @Yogagirl123 doesn't chat about her bins Hmm

@Yogagirl123 - do please tell me the subjects about which you'd prefer to chat with your older relatives.

I'll be sure to make a list for when I'm in my 70's. One wouldn't want to bore would one?

Bluntness100 · 04/08/2019 08:06

Jesus, you really need to get a grip, are you so worried about what your partner thinks? Lots of people do this, I have a friend who gives me a running monologue of her neighbours actitivies, I've never met them,

No it's not so interesting to me, but it's interesting to her, so I listen and ask questions. Because she's my friend,

There is no reason for your partner to be excluded if he shows an interest and asks questions, if he's not doing this, then if ask myself what sort of person he is, and ask myself what sort of person you are to want to offend your parents because he's so disinterested

elizzza · 04/08/2019 08:09

My in laws are exactly like this. I know all the goings on of Sheila from the post office and Ruth who does the church flowers and Brian who had an affair with the teacher, all people I have never met in a village 100 miles from where I live. It wouldn’t be my chosen topic of conversation but it doesn’t bother me - I look at it like watching an episode of a soap opera that I don’t usually watch.

OP, does it actually bother your husband, or is it more that you feel embarrassed?

LoafofSellotape · 04/08/2019 08:09

I agree with PP, it’s seems to be the thing with the oldies, nothing much to think about I suppose, so they seem to become curtain twitchers of the highest order

Wtf?

lottiegarbanzo · 04/08/2019 08:11

Yes, young people's 'conversation' can be a tedious self-regarding monologue, limited to themselves, close friends you've never heard of and tedious TV programmes, can't it.

Is there a golden age for conversation? Or do some people never learn the art?

I can't help but wonder whether the difference in this and many of the instances described, is that, as these parents' child, you and your doings used to be the tedious topic of their narrow, self-absorbed monologues. The only difference is that you're now hearing how they've always sounded to others, rather than being the subject and centre of their interest.

NoSauce · 04/08/2019 08:11

The usual bit of ageism thrown in I see.
Why do people think it’s ok?

Anyway OP you need to speak up if it’s bothering your all that much.

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 08:12

I was just wondering that @elizzza

Is @Masterofkarateandfriendship actually embarrassed?

Dear Christ. I didn't think my appalled-ness could get more outraged. It just did.

OhTheRoses · 04/08/2019 08:14

MIL does this. But she has a very small life. After 30 years I know the histories. TBH it's better than when she goes on and on about having nothing as a child and her warped views on the world.

My mother doesn't but she's not interested in other people.

Not sure which is worse.

But I do think you are being U op. Your DH needs to learn to nod and smile. I ocasionally throw in something a bit provocative. Ooh Joan you always refer to Miss Benson and Mrs Abbott - did they call you Mrs Paton then. "Ooh no dear they were Headteachers". But Joan you're a leftie and believe in equality, how was that right? And DH shoots me a glance but it's just a bit of fun.

All names changed btw.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 04/08/2019 08:16

My mum does this, my ex PIL did this and my partner's parents do this. It's all "So Mary told John that Peter had been to the hospital on Tuesday, no sorrry Wednesday, about his feet etc...." and I have absolutely no clue who Mary, John or Peter are! The best you can do is try to gently steer the conversation back onto something everyone can get involved in. You're never going to stop it, nor should you really, because that's their life and they are just talking about it.

Saracen · 04/08/2019 08:18

Do your partner and your BIL mind much? If so, they'll have to step up and initiate some conversations which are more interesting to them. After all these years they are in just as good a position to do that as you and your sister are. This isn't a problem you have to fix.

Or you can just let your parents carry on. As every young child knows, it is quite possible to sit politely by while people discuss things which you don't understand at all, and sometimes sitting nicely and pretending to be interested is all that's required of you.

Your parents don't have to be all things to you. They can be kind and hospitable and reliable while not being fascinating conversationalists. You can have your need for general-interest conversation met by other friends instead.

SeaEagle21 · 04/08/2019 08:20

It's not just parents who do this. I live far away from my sister - I ring her once a week and she can easily spend 2 hours telling me about her neighbours and the lady at the supermarket / library / school. I just sit there and put her speaker phone while I do something else.

CherryPavlova · 04/08/2019 08:21

I think we count as oldies as late 50s. It’s not a picture of our conversation or lives that I recognise. I think as you move to late 70s or 80s your world sometimes gets smaller but not quite so young. We still both travel internationally for work (and pleasure) despite living in a tiny village.
We do talk about neighbours and friends sometimes but usually only when the children as us about the local gossip. Their partners have met our local friends and neighbours many times; when home they socialise with our friends and their children. If we’ve a drinks party, they usually want to come too.
I do have young team members at work who have or are having babies and we all manage to find common ground. It’s not difficult to talk current affairs, green living, holidays or dogs.
We don’t twitch net curtains because they are anathema to us. We don’t go ‘down the Legion’ either.

SarcySue · 04/08/2019 08:22

chatwoo GrinGrinGrin

After years of fruitless searching, I have found my tribe...!

Let me start by saying my mother is a wonderful, caring and generous person and host. Anyone and everyone is welcome to her home, always has been. I love her dearly. That said, Christ almighty, does she bang on about people and things I neither know nor have any interest in. Of course, I expect and welcome a degree of local catch-up information, just not for hours on end without taking breath.

I live far away so visit a few times a year. I know that within a few minutes of arriving, I'll be reaching for a bottle of wine (is 8am a bit early?) to take the edge off what I perceive to be endless inane chatter, 95% of which pertains to other people's medical issues. Even if I know the person involved, i have little interest in hearing about it again. It's not that I don't care - of course I'm sorry to hear that someone is unwell, I just can't cope with it being the main focus of the monologue. I have spoken to her about it and she genuinely doesn't realise she's doing it. When I remind her, she'll say she's not doing it, when it's plain as day she is. Ultimately, it's her space and she is entitled to speak of whatever she likes, and yes, I'm grateful that it's not vitriolic spew that many people have to endure.

The crux of it is no-one can contribute meaningfully to the conversation when it's one-sided, other than "hmm" and increasingly bewildered eye movements. I act as an interpreter for those unfortunates who have no idea who's being discussed (can't help them with the why), outlining the pertinent information in the briefest possible way to make some sense of...

JohnBoy is married to Maisie who's had the hysterectomy, poor soul, and whose cat had kittens and the father was Lovebomb whose previous owner emigrated to Australia where he befriended a feral kangaroo and named her Trixie and with time she grew to love him, as did Trixie's next door neighbour Veronica who has scoliosis, poor soul, but sure didn't she and your man fall in love and have forty children and named them after the kittens, isn't that lovely to have the family connection but wait, didn't half the misfortunes die from some rare genetic disorder, but we always knew something wasn't quite right with Lovebomb as he had a gammy walk that he inherited from his father GammyGams who had courted that blow-in Firecracker in 1956, now that's half the kittens died, not the children, and, and, and...

If you got through that, fair play to you, and if you're wondering if Veronica is human or a kangaroo, you haven't been paying attention...

rookiemere · 04/08/2019 08:22

lawnmowingsucks has a very wise perspective on this.

Mostly I feel sad that my DPs aren't interested in hearing about what we've been up to, and instead tell us about trips they went on many years ago that we've heard about many times before, or express regret that they cannot travel any more. It's easier just to listen to them talk about neighbours illnesses or my aunts cat or their wills.

As a parent of a teen where my main role seems to be to listen and tease out conversation, I sometimes feel like I don't really have a voice. Luckily I have nice friends.

MsTSwift · 04/08/2019 08:23

The mid life bores talk about their own kids, their talents and their out of school activities and how good they are at them. Kill me now. I would rather hear about people’s neighbours.

SarcySue · 04/08/2019 08:24

That was quite long - maybe the fruit hasn't fallen very far from the tree? Grin

AnnaMagnani · 04/08/2019 08:26

My DM does this and I used to find it irritating but when she became ill it was amazing as all these people were her close friends and came to visit her, check on her at home, take her to hospital appointments.

So now when I hear a long boring anecdote about the Russian family who have moved in 2 houses away I don't mind as two weeks later it will be followed by how they took her out to a stately home and the bloke has put up a shelf for her.

I'm happy that she is happy.

YouJustDoYou · 04/08/2019 08:29

My mum loves nothing more than to read out every single fucking Daily Fail story when I go see her. It's non-stop, all evening after the kids are asleep. Who's been raped. Who's been murdered. Did you see the article about the stabbings in London again?! Does the whole drama-looks, gasps as she's reading it out. Does my absolute head in, so I've stopped looking at her at all, don't engage, mmmhmm, mmmhmm etc. Just make a point of being completely uninterested. Luckily she passes out from alcohol by 9pm so at least it's only for about an hour or so.