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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To curb my parent's chat under their roof?

303 replies

Masterofkarateandfriendship · 04/08/2019 00:05

Feeling like a total bitch for being annoyed by this right now, but it's getting to the point where visits to my childhood home with my partner (who is not local to my hometown) are really tough. My parents are lovely, generous, caring people in their 70's and live in the small community in which I was brought up. They are both originally from big cities but have lived here for most of their married life. The dinner table chat almost always reverts to chat about locals and what they're up to - not usually funny tales, but generally a monologue about the who's who of the area, gossip and is generally completely unrelatable to my partner who has never met any of the people they're talking about. I try so hard to divert the conversation and find something of interest that doesn't involve talking about local people. My sister (whose husband is also not local) and I have been fighting this losing battle for years. I love my parents but I could cry at the lack of chat and rather than appreciating the time I have left with them, I feel that the only thing I am learning from this is what I don't want to be like when I'm older. Question is....should I say something to try to instigate different.conversation or should we all just carry on as we are

OP posts:
dudsville · 04/08/2019 07:01

All of my family are this way, regardless of age. It's boring, but I think they don't know how to be otherwise.

OMGshefoundmeout · 04/08/2019 07:08

People talk about what they know and the world they live in, it might be boring to you but it’s obviously of interest to them. The things you want to talk about might be dull to them.

Perhaps as a compromise you could suggest watching a box set or film when you visit them? That would reduce the ‘chat’ opportunities and give you something to discuss when it’s over. Or maybe play cards? It could be that they are droning on out of boredom and that might fill some time.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/08/2019 07:10

I'm not sure it's even an age thing. I used to work with someone who carried on like this about people nobody else knew, she was in her 20s and 30s. You could see everyone in the staffroom's eyes glaze over.

LoafofSellotape · 04/08/2019 07:13

Fucking out and out nastiness to older people, the casual unthinking ageism of the users of Mumsnet is appalling

I can't actually believe what I'm reading!

'Classic old people behaviour' wtf?

toomuchtooold · 04/08/2019 07:17

My in-laws do this but because they retired abroad, literally none of us know anything about the people in their stories. And they take sooooo long to explain everything! It's like "there's this woman who sells eggs in the local shop, you see she keeps chickens and some ducks too but she only sells the chicken eggs, and so we were in the shop once while she was talking to the owner and she said there was a man who lives in the street across from her who also speaks [their native language] so I said to her do you know if he goes to the church, and she said she didn't know, but she would ask him, and she would tell me the next time she was in but that wouldn't be till.next week because she has to go and visit her son, he's doing an apprenticeship in, what was it again..." and it just goes on like that for like 25 minutes. And if you try and say anything back they talk over you, like even my MIL who's a good egg, she will interrupt me telling her stuff about her actual grandkids to tell me more of this pointless stuff about her neighbours or where they buy their tomatoes now or whatever.

Silene · 04/08/2019 07:17

I don’t think it matters, you are with them, you see and hear them, it’s only a short time, you are beyond lucky to have parents who love you and are still there. They don’t have dementia, they are sharing their lives and daily happenings. I would have given anything to have had that chance.

Lllot5 · 04/08/2019 07:17

I’d give any thing to have a ‘boring’ conversation with my dad.

MrsExpo · 04/08/2019 07:22

You don’t need to “handle it” OP. It’s who they are and they’re telling you about their world - an elderly couple who live in a small community. What do you want them to talk about? Politics, the economy, Brexit?

They are clearly lovely people with whom you have a good relationship. Just be grateful for that. I’m sure you and you’re DP can manage to smile politely through some local gossip for an hour or two now and again. YABU.

PullingMySocksUp · 04/08/2019 07:23

I think it would be absolutely fair enough to try and divert the conversation to one you can all take part in.
Alternatively, can you get DH to do any handy/tech bits for them?

MsTSwift · 04/08/2019 07:25

God I am so lucky with my parents. Spending time with them not much different to spending time with friends. They never talk about health we have amazing conversations. Their friends are similar. It’s not a given that people this age (early 70s) become dullards. My grandparents were the same too before they died. In dh last conversation with my granny she said he had “marvellous legs”. This thread makes me appreciate them all even more.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 04/08/2019 07:25

@lauraswhitecoat

Am laughing so much re emerdale farm!

WatchingFromTheWings · 04/08/2019 07:28

Just consider yourself lucky you aren’t having to force them to temper sexism and racism in front of the grandkids. Trust me. There are many topics worse than anecdotes about people you will never meet.

I agree with this. My mother and sister are big Tommy Robinson/Nigel Farage fans. The conversations they would have in front of my kids were absolutely vile. After a particularly disgusting racist rant from my mother resulting in my DD in tears, she never saw her grandkids again. I only saw her twice after than. 100% NC since.

MrBobLobLaw · 04/08/2019 07:32

My mother fixates on family members I don’t know and expects me to be fascinated about the minutiae of their lives. She shows little interest in me or my life.

My DM is also like this and is similar to OPs parents, except with a bit of racism thrown in there too Hmm

Of course it could always be worse but when it's relentless it gets a bit.. dull and boring, especially for DP who has no idea who these people are and is not interested in gossip at all.

Juells · 04/08/2019 07:33

I just try to steer the conversation away from the inane local gossip saying something like "Mum, DP doesn't want to hear about Mrs Smith's cataract operation"...

Would it help to break the conversation every time a new person is mentioned? "Mum, would you mind explaining to us who Mrs Smith is?" Every single time. Then start talking about where they went on holidays, their garden, anything and everything that isn't about people you don't know or care about.

Juells · 04/08/2019 07:34

toomuchtooold

"there's this woman who sells eggs in the local shop, you see she keeps chickens and some ducks too but she only sells the chicken eggs, and so we were in the shop once while she was talking to the owner and she said there was a man who lives in the street across from her who also speaks [their native language] so I said to her do you know if he goes to the church, and she said she didn't know, but she would ask him, and she would tell me the next time she was in but that wouldn't be till.next week because she has to go and visit her son, he's doing an apprenticeship in, what was it again..."

Haha brilliant! Grin

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 07:37

Jeez. All these poor hard done by 'D' Ps who find chit chat about people they don't know, so challenging Hmm

Your parents brought you up. I'm making the assumption that your parents were kind and caring.

And yet now, now Partner is a little put out once or twice a week - parent gets patronised and criticised???

Shame on all of you. Seriously - I'm appalled.

leckford · 04/08/2019 07:39

I think MN people are too obsessed with ‘racism’ one above says she would not take her kids to see her mother - I bet she did when mother died and left a house to her children. I bet she then whined because she was excluded from the proceeds.

People have different views and experiences

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2019 07:40

@chickenyhead

that's what older parents do, they probably have no idea what else to talk about, plus the generation gap.

Due to my limited conversational skills, all I can say is

ODFOD

lottiegarbanzo · 04/08/2019 07:41

Do your parents find the topics of conversation your DP instigates, interesting?

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2019 07:42

@Masterofkarateandfriendship

I'd love to hear some of the scintillating conversation you'd rather have.

And since you ask, yes you're being a birch.

Cantmakeupmymind1 · 04/08/2019 07:43

To you it's inane chatter about 'locals' you don't know and have no interest in but to your parents it's the fabric of their 'their world' and interesting to them. How do you know the stuff you chatter about doesn't bore your parents at times and they feel they can't relate to that either?

It really is a small problem to have and a tiny irritant to put up with. My parents are also in their 70's, also from a very big city and now live in a village and I receive the same running commentary on the locals whom I also don't know when I see them.

PapaShango · 04/08/2019 07:45

My parents start speaking in their native language sometimes, forgetting my dh doesn’t understand any of it. It’s not an easy language to pick up so he literally understand about 2 words!

Cantmakeupmymind1 · 04/08/2019 07:45

Many of my friends have already lost their parents who should also be in their 70's so it's worth appreciating them still being here even if they can be annoying at times.

Moondust001 · 04/08/2019 07:54

Speaking as someone getting old (nearly 62), I find it really frustrating how utterly inane the conversation of younger people is. I have no interest in the latest doings on Love Island, Strictly or whatever "house" people are in this week. It's scary that they have more interest in the fictional doings of a bunch of strangers than in the real world. But be that as it may …. OP, your parents are telling you about their lives. That life may be something you no longer share, so maybe it isn't interesting to you. So be polite and feign interest. Really, you sound like a selfish brat. For a short period of time your parents are sharing with you what their lives are like, then you get to go away and be "more interesting". Be grateful that you still have them. One day, you won't have their boring chat to tolerate.

PapaShango · 04/08/2019 07:54

Cantmakeupmymind1

Was wondering when someone was going to mention not having parents.

There’s nothing in op’s post saying she doesn’t appreciate them. She’s annoyed about one thing they do which she’s posting about on an anonymous forum