To curb my parent's chat under their roof?

[Masterofkarateandfriendship]

Feeling like a total bitch for being annoyed by this right now, but it's getting to the point where visits to my childhood home with my partner (who is not local to my hometown) are really tough. My parents are lovely, generous, caring people in their 70's and live in the small community in which I was brought up. They are both originally from big cities but have lived here for most of their married life. The dinner table chat almost always reverts to chat about locals and what they're up to - not usually funny tales, but generally a monologue about the who's who of the area, gossip and is generally completely unrelatable to my partner who has never met any of the people they're talking about. I try so hard to divert the conversation and find something of interest that doesn't involve talking about local people. My sister (whose husband is also not local) and I have been fighting this losing battle for years. I love my parents but I could cry at the lack of chat and rather than appreciating the time I have left with them, I feel that the only thing I am learning from this is what I don't want to be like when I'm older. Question is....should I say something to try to instigate different.conversation or should we all just carry on as we are

I think you are being intolerant and it will only get worse. I get it, I really do, but saying something isn’t going to make any difference.

Imagine in ten years time when you spend the day with your mother, as I do every Saturday, and the only conversation is what her hairdresser’s, sister’s children are up.

This week it was the extension that my brother’s next door neighbour’s new purchasers are proposing. I kid you not, this is every week, these children my mother has never met nor has my mother ever met my brothers NDN let alone the people buying their house.

Bless her, she has little else in her life to talk about other than what has been heard from someone else. It drives me insane.

But I feel sad that this is all she has to talk about.

My parents do this, too. I get a running monologue of their various craft fairs, dog walks, bitching about people I've never met (and never want to, either), to the point where I just switch off - and then get told off (I'm 43) for ignoring them! At which point they start all over again...

"My partner says it's like listening to an episode of Emmerdale."

It could be worse. I don't watch "the big TV soaps", because I have absolutely no need to. My mother fills me in on the events going on in Corrie and Emmerdale, just in case I'm interested... I'm not. If I were, I'd watch the bloody programmes myself!

@auntiestella
I think it is wrong to relate this to age. Because not everyone is boring

This is the thing. My in-laws were always pretty self-interested, I remember 20 years ago meeting my then future FIL for the first time and he was a printer, he starts explaining to me why blue eyes last longer than the others but I'm a chemist and at the time I was working as a development chemist on inkjet inks so I knew all about that, and I'm like trying to get a space in his monologue to tell him yes, I agree, I work in this stuff, I know all about it too and I don't think I even managed to get him to hear that that was my job. I'm sure he still doesn't know anything about what I've done for a living. It's so weird to be around these people and you know all this stuff about them and they know sod all about you.

Blue eyes. Blue dyes!

So basically, you have no interest in their lives?

My MIL does this. She lives by herself and so has a limited amount of news to impart - and indeed limited amount of sources of news. And she's like BBC news 24 on a repeating cycle - she'll tell the same news over and over and over whether you stp and tell her you've heard it or not. Its not about the reception just her need to tell the story. Now I wouldn't mind so much about hearing what SIL/BIL/DN had been up to, or even about her mates from club but no, it's all about who has died.

'You remember Bob from A village? Yes you do. He was at school with you. Perhaps it was your brother. Well then perhaps it was your other brother. Or was it from B shop? Well - you remember he had a cousin - you know the one with the C (insert physical disfigurement of your choice) - his wife's sister, you know D - well her dog's neighbours wife, you know the one that had a baby to E - him with the motorbike from up F way, you know. Well his mother's husband's brother G, he's dead.

And you can chant IS HE DEAD IS HE DEAD from the minute she starts and she'll still tell you exactly how you don't know the guy in great detail before she gets to the punchline.

Why is the onus on the parents to be entertaining? If I were being provided, as is probably the case here, with refreshments and a comfy chair, I'd feel that I ought to be the one doing the entertaining.

Maybe DP can learn how to play the spoons or perform a card trick or put together a stand-up routine.

so what do you want them to talk about?

My parents through illness spend a lot of time at medical appointments - so that's what they talk about ?

If I talk about my work they are not part of it so what not understand, just different worlds .

I am just grateful they are still here and try and lighten the mood as much as I can .

I just see this as something that you have to suck up because it’s family and you love and respect them. Like pps have said as long as it’s not racism or anything else nasty then don’t worry about it. You could ask them to tell stories from your childhood, or their younger years when they first met, their former careers. Use this stage of their lives to get to know more about them.

Yes people of any age can be crashingly boring..... I'm sure WE can also be tiresome about stuff that fascinates only us

What is awful though is the proportion of available time given over to it.

Yes I'm vaguely interested that an old school acquaintance has just been made an airline captain... But 2 mins about this is enough! When it expands to 90% of the available time and you've not asked one question about me, your daughter/niece /cousin.... Nah!

My mum's conversation tends to go like this ; 'Do you ever catch up with [insert name of childhood friend] ?... No? Aaaahh..... that is so sad. You were so close once' followed by a shaking of the head and then; 'Do you ever hear from [insert colleague from 10 years ago] No? aaah... i wonder what she is doing now.... ' Sometimes she will do a variant of 'Do you ever think about going back to [insert some activity I did as a child] No? Aaaah... that is so sad'.

i find it depressing.

Actually, I don't believe anyone is boring. But some might need a little help from a thoughtful listener to show the treasure inside themselves.

“There’s no such thing as an uninteresting life, such a thing is an impossibility. Beneath the dullest exterior, there is a drama, a comedy, a tragedy.”

Mark Twain

Have read this thread with interest, making notes so that I can prevent myself from boring my DC (& their partners) when we see each other. So far, I have noted that:

• I must not talk about the place where I live and the people who are my friends here (to avoid boring those who don't know these people - and those who do)
• I must not talk about my health, or that of people who my DC have known all their lives, as their DP may feel left out of the conversation
• I must show interest in everything said or done by DC, their partners and my DGC - even though I know very well from many threads on here that I must not question any of the people (close family) that I am talking to, as this is seen as prying/interrogation, and if they want me to know something, they will tell me..!
• At my age (ancient) I cannot possibly have any interests or hobbies in common with those on the other side of the age divide (they are only interested in trivia and utterly boring 'celebrity' stories) and so...
• I will be utterly bored by their vacuous witterings - as they will be by mine.

I'm now wondering how I manage to talk about politics, world news, Brexit, education, global warming, healthcare, trans rights, feminism, cookery, drama, art, music, places that we have visited etc.etc. with my DC and their families - and why none of us have dropped dead with boredom... Oh, and I note with interest that (rightly) any trace of racism/sexism/homophobia etc must be recognised as revolting and disapproved of - but strangely, ageism is just fine... 🙄

My parents are like that. Completely. My PIL are the opposite, wanting to discuss what they read in the papers, which they invariably misunderstand, misinterpret or get upset with for reasons unknown to us. Luckily DH managed to get them to cancel their Telegrsph subscription. We hear less rubbish Brexit stuff now. Give me my parents’ mindless chat anytime.

My in laws do this, I don't care - it's fine and it's not like we are ever there for more than a day or 2 at which point it would become too much.

I used to say to DH (who has weekly phone convos with them )have you told them about x happening, and in the end he said no, there's no real point as they won't listen - they might react if it involves the grandchildren, but otherwise they just carry on with the anecdotes.

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad

Don't forget to ask them to 'see to any tech' if your conversation does get boring as obviously you couldn't possibly be able to work out how to use a phone or a computer

My ex MIL used to do this. Drove me demented. Asked how I was, didn’t listen to the answer, then would proceed to tell me all about people I didn’t know, many of whom had already passed away. She went through a phase of sending me clippings of articles from the Daily Mail about things I didn’t care about too. I can laugh about it now as I never have to see her again...

@SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad

(excellent name btw)

You summed that all up very nicely.

However boring us oldies might be, nothing comes close to the numbskulling boringness of the younger generation's obsession with the recording of their mostly mundane lives in minute detail on social media.

Asked how I was, didn’t listen to the answer, then would proceed to tell me all about people I didn’t know, many of whom had already passed away

Imagine boring you with talk of her friends who had died?

You sound like an entitled bitch.
Its their home, they can talk about whatever they want to.
Perhaps they don't ask questions of your partner because they don't want to come across as nosey and intrusive. Or perhaps its nervous talk with having a near stranger in their home.

Having noticed this with my Mum, I think it's because as she ages, her world is shrinking, and it's a way to try to fin common ground with me, talking about people I might vaguely know. It's also because the relationship is changing, she needs the help now, so the roles are being reversed.

I don't need the level of detail I get at times about why she had to get to town early, but I get it anyway. She also reads Daily Mail articles to me in their entirety.

My in laws are like this and trying to make conversation is painful. We throw our all sorts of openers - oh we are going to xyz on holiday, you ever been there? And then it will be back to someone cousins mum who nearly went there but went somewhere else and all about that. Not one "oh sounds interesting, what sort of thing will you do there".
I just sit in silence most visits now.

To get the best out of this situation you need to fully engage with it. “Put the kettle on Mum, I want to hear all the scandal”, or even better get your DH to say it. He’ll be a favourite for ever and it’ll liven your parents right up to have an animated audience. You’ve got to participate in these events to get the benefit, not just sit there passively.

I live overseas and my parents descend for a month at a time, twice a year.

They are lovely people but read and believe the daily mail. The ridiculous shit they spout re: immigrants and anyone that the DM sees fit to target is an outrage.

It really stresses me out. I'd love some advice on how to deal with it.