About DHs hobby?

[flamingwok]

I need opinions, please and thanks.

DH has played football for as long as I've known him (in fact since he was a small boy). We've been together 15 years and married for eight. We have a three, nearly four year old and a baby. I'm a sahm, he works Mon- Fri and is out of the house 7-7 each day.

He trains two evenings a week and is gone playing from lunchtime on a Saturday until 5/6pm. We take turns at a weekend to have a lie in one day each (as we're up at 5am each day with the children) and he has his on a Saturday so he's rested for his game so basically he's around for about 2/3 hours on a Saturday morning when the children are awake. He's club captain, the most experienced player at 36 years old. He always said when they children were a bit bigger he'd reassess how much he plays.

Our DD is getting to an age now where she's really starting to get really quite upset missing her Dad on a Saturday, especially bearing in mind she only sees him for a quick breakfast in the week each day she's in bed when he gets home. Also, we're looking to get her into some kids club type things at a weekend most of which run on an afternoon and most I can't take her to with a baby too.

I've spoken to DH and asked if he can maybe look at cutting down the Saturdays. The only family time we really have is on a Sunday, and I barely have any time to do anything actually myself if I want to. I've no problem with the weeknight evenings training, or him going running whenever he wants in the evenings as the children are in bed anyway so no hassle to me or them.

He has basically just said no. That I can just bring the children along if they miss him and that that's not how team sports work, he can't just do every second week for example (which I'd be happy with). That lots of his team mates (who are mostly in their mid to late twenties) have young families and that they just go to watch.

I was a child whose brother played football and I got dragged along to watch every Saturday. I was bored as hell. I also used to have to watch my Dad play rugby constantly as a young child - again, did not enjoy at all. His sister was also made to do this while they were growing up and always says how much she hated it. Plus I've taken my eldest before the baby came and it's really not that child friendly - lots of smoking on the edge of the pitch. Adults yelling and swearing while the kids hang around at knees or are stuck in buggies. His team mates might be happy with that for their children but I'm not. I also don't want to go myself I can't imagine anything more boring!

So I've asked if his club won't allow a fortnightly commitment could he look at a veterans team, which he's well old enough to join and who play less regularly and with less commitment. Again, it's a no for now. He's still apparently young and fit enough to play at this level so that's what he wants to do.

Also worth mentioning that he has another non sports related interest that he does probably once every two/three months that takes him away overnight or for a weekend. I have no problem with this.

I think he's being a selfish, uncompromising sod. He disagrees.

AIBU?

Regardless as I said even if I did put them to bed that late they'd still wake early!
No they wouldn't. Surely you have almost 4 years experience of managing moving your child's schedule by an hour

Thing is if you found something to do which took up most of Sunday and disappeared leaving him with the kids you can bet he wouldn't like it. Maybe you should take something up and give him a taste of his own medicine?

Dh was like this when dd was young.....but all weekend most weekends. He never gave his hobby up. We got used to doing things without him and 18 years later that's still the case. Dd can't be arsed with her dad as she never saw him much growing up and says herself he's a selfish arse who never did anything with her. Now she's oldear ive found my own interests and go off and do them with friends without him. He's too old to carry on his sport at the same intensity and moans about how much I'm out the house and leaving him. He can suck it the fuck up.

Thanks for the extra info OP. The suggestions that you ought to take the kids to watch are even more ridiculous with that in mind.

You both sound very inflexible - you are not prepared to budge an inch on the children's routine even though it means he doesn't see them at bedtime and you are both so tired you miss 4 hours of weekend mornings with lie-ins.
He is not prepared to give up or alter any bit of his hobby.

This kind of inflexibility is not very helpful in a family with children.

Had same situation except he had season ticket too so would go watch his team Saturday for home games, sometimes play for team but also played Sunday mornings some weeks!
However he now runs DS team and takes him to some home games - tho he has no longer got season ticket. He used to take his Dad who is now too old.
Could he have lie in Sunday instead so he takes DD out Saturday morning? Also not suggesting late bedtime in week but perhaps just Saturday?
I think you could force him to do this but he would always resent you. There would also be a big expectation for Saturday - i.e. it would need to be something good going on otherwise he would find it a waste of him giving up on the team.
He does sound lovely apart from this!

@ChildminderMum I know my children thanks. Plenty of people around who have early waking children it's not uncommon. What do you suggest I do with the three year old, when she wakes, comes to me and asks for breakfast, lock her in her room? Shall I just ignore the baby who wakes wanting her milk?

I always think it's worth remembering that the only child you can ever be an expert in is your own. Thanks for your opinion though.

My fil played football every Saturday. All 3 of his children have said they never felt close to him growing up. Although he's come through now as a great grand dad.

flamingwok - so in October the clocks go back and your child is now waking at 4am? And you just spend 6 months putting them to bed at 5pm and getting up at 4am???

Or maybe you shift their routine by an hour so they go to bed and wake up later....

@ChildminderMum omg you are like a broken record! We just manage the clock change! Like all other parents do! That doesn't mean we want or need to change their normal routine. We are happy with their routine. It is not their fault that their Dad works long hours or is being a knob about his hobby.

Late bedtimes do not equal late wake ups in this house - or many houses! You do not have all the answers to early waking because believe me if you did you'd be a millionaire.

Lots of children wake up early regardless of what time they go to bed. And sleep before midnight is much more restorative so early bed times are important for children.

If you "manage the clock change" then you could change their routine It's exactly the same thing!

You're pretending it would be impossible to change their routine by an hour, but clearly it isn't as you have said yourself you already do so. You just don't want to.

Which is fine, except their current routine means they barely see their dad. That's what you're complaining about isn't it?

You and your DH are both very inflexible and unwilling to compromise, and that is what is causing your family problems.

So essentially you see your DH 3 evenings per week and one day at the weekend.

He only spends Sundays with you and your DC. He'd see them more if you were divorced and saw them EOW and one day in the week.

Well, I hope he doesn't complain when the DC are grown up and they aren't close to him and they say they never saw their dad when they were children.

@ChildminderMum I've never said we can't change their routine. We're happy with it. We have two well rested kids, and evening time. In fact if they slept for just one hour later, 6-6 is a pretty fantastic pattern to have your small children in.

Even IF I kept them up another hour until 7pm he wouldn't get any quality time with them! He gets in around 7pm ish most nights. So he'd literally maybe get to do a story before bed and that'd be it anyway.

Neither of you want to change your routines, you like your evening time and lie-ins, he likes his football. Personally, I would prioritise time with the children. I'd push wake-ups back to a reasonable time and spend weekend mornings as a family. I'd push bedtimes back and ensure dad was doing bedtime stories (those are memories children cherish ime), and I'd reduce the time he was out on a Saturday afternoon.

But if neither of you are prepared to compromise or alter or give up anything then you're a bit stuck.

Mine and dh's hobby before children was going for a long pub lunch on a Saturday. Then a walk before meeting friends for dinner. We are just not prepared to give this up because it's our important de stressing time after a busy week.
But what can we do with the dc while we do this. Can they watch from the pavement?
Unfortunately as life changes hobbies have to change. As your dh has acknowledged.
Keep reminding him of his previous statement and I reckon eventually it will get through to him.

It's utterly ridiculous that he's out of the house for 6 hours for a football match (especially for a home game!!)

He needs to get up an hour earlier on a Saturday morning, arrive at the match half an hour before kick of to warm up, quick shower after and straight back home. Hanging around for food and a pint is an absolute piss take.

I think he is being doggedly inflexible about the lie in - why can't he go to bed earlier on Friday night? Needs to be well rested for the match? - pfft, yes if he was a pro footballer but he isn't. He'll manage (and we are a footballing family so I am not talking from a position of ignorance)

I also agree that he should hand over the captaincy so that in post match drinks he can have a swift pint and then head off home and be back for 4pm rather than 5/6

If he has been playing football since a child and is now 36 it's more than a hobby - it's his passion and part of his identity. Those who suggest he should just switch to another hobby aren't getting it. I agree with the poster who mentioned that it's great for mental health and stress relief

It seems that this isn't about you feeling abandoned/ put upon/ left with the majority of the childcare and so can't be ameliorated by you taking commensurate time for yourself, it's more about your 4 year old missing her dad.

Whilst I sympathise, with the benefit of hindsight (mine are now teenagers) I know I put far too much emphasis on the children's wants and needs to the total detriment of my needs and dh needs when the kids were small. I would honestly advise that both yourself and your dh try to retain some of yourselves, for your own sanity.

Bluntly, your 4 year old has two loving parents (one of whom admittedly she doesn't see as much of but that is largely down to work), who are in a stable, happy marriage and she lives in a warm comfortable home. She's fine - more than fine

That said, as aforementioned he should compromise by ditching the lie in and handing over the captaincy

You like being well rested don’t you
He doesn’t need to lie in until 9:30 to be well rested I have had that kind of lie in in years simply not needed
Take the anger though from here and tell him that you aren’t happy with the current arrangement

If this situation was reversed everyone would be saying you’re allowed to do things of your own interests, time away from family for yourself etc.

But isn't that the whole point? OP is getting no time to herself because her husband expects to do his own thing whilst she looks after his children?

OP, YANBU. He needs to recognise that he has responsibilities and they come way above his wish to have lie-ins, kick a ball around and go to the pub with his mates. If he won't recognise this, maybe it's time to rethink what he actually adds to your life and whether it's worth it.

I agree with the poster who mentioned that it's great for mental health and stress relief

But only at the expense of OP's stress and mental health.

“BertrandRussell He will not stop the lie in. He needs to be well rested for the match.”

OK. Then he goes to bed earlier on Friday.

So OP needs to leave the house each Sunday and every one can be happy. - except the DD

I think he's being selfish to not try to find some compromise but also understand the long term commitment he has. I also understand why he doesn't want to consider seniors football if he's still able to play in his current set up.

You say you assumed he would change his pattern of commitment once the children were growing up but did you actually discuss that beforehand? you knew who he was and how much time he spent on this before you chose to have children

I find it bizarre those people saying ‘he did this before kids so he shouldn’t have to stop.’ I can think of a shed load of things I did before I had kids which I don’t do now, or maybe only occasionally

If you’re not prepared for life to change then don’t have kids.

I’ve got a hobby which I actually started post children. I’m a bit sad I didn’t get into it pre-kids as I could have dedicated more time to it. But my son comes first so I do it one evening a week and occasionally on a weekend, as it takes up a big part of a day at the weekend - it would be highly selfish of me to say to DH that I am swanning off every weekend to do it. Also, spending time with my DC at the weekend is really important, as weekdays are pretty full on with work and then the usual routine in the evenings

So he'd literally maybe get to do a story before bed and that'd be it anyway
But that would be a massive deal for a small child.