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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DHs hobby?

265 replies

flamingwok · 03/08/2019 18:43

I need opinions, please and thanks.

DH has played football for as long as I've known him (in fact since he was a small boy). We've been together 15 years and married for eight. We have a three, nearly four year old and a baby. I'm a sahm, he works Mon- Fri and is out of the house 7-7 each day.

He trains two evenings a week and is gone playing from lunchtime on a Saturday until 5/6pm. We take turns at a weekend to have a lie in one day each (as we're up at 5am each day with the children) and he has his on a Saturday so he's rested for his game so basically he's around for about 2/3 hours on a Saturday morning when the children are awake. He's club captain, the most experienced player at 36 years old. He always said when they children were a bit bigger he'd reassess how much he plays.

Our DD is getting to an age now where she's really starting to get really quite upset missing her Dad on a Saturday, especially bearing in mind she only sees him for a quick breakfast in the week each day she's in bed when he gets home. Also, we're looking to get her into some kids club type things at a weekend most of which run on an afternoon and most I can't take her to with a baby too.

I've spoken to DH and asked if he can maybe look at cutting down the Saturdays. The only family time we really have is on a Sunday, and I barely have any time to do anything actually myself if I want to. I've no problem with the weeknight evenings training, or him going running whenever he wants in the evenings as the children are in bed anyway so no hassle to me or them.

He has basically just said no. That I can just bring the children along if they miss him and that that's not how team sports work, he can't just do every second week for example (which I'd be happy with). That lots of his team mates (who are mostly in their mid to late twenties) have young families and that they just go to watch.

I was a child whose brother played football and I got dragged along to watch every Saturday. I was bored as hell. I also used to have to watch my Dad play rugby constantly as a young child - again, did not enjoy at all. His sister was also made to do this while they were growing up and always says how much she hated it. Plus I've taken my eldest before the baby came and it's really not that child friendly - lots of smoking on the edge of the pitch. Adults yelling and swearing while the kids hang around at knees or are stuck in buggies. His team mates might be happy with that for their children but I'm not. I also don't want to go myself I can't imagine anything more boring!

So I've asked if his club won't allow a fortnightly commitment could he look at a veterans team, which he's well old enough to join and who play less regularly and with less commitment. Again, it's a no for now. He's still apparently young and fit enough to play at this level so that's what he wants to do.

Also worth mentioning that he has another non sports related interest that he does probably once every two/three months that takes him away overnight or for a weekend. I have no problem with this.

I think he's being a selfish, uncompromising sod. He disagrees.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ChildminderMum · 03/08/2019 23:14

Also sounds like you need to shift the children's routine by a couple of hours though, 5am-6pm is a bit silly imo. Move it forward a couple of hours and they will see their dad for bedtime and you won't be so exhausted.

Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 23:17

@ChildminderMum It doesn't matter how late I put them to bed, they wake at 5. So all that happens if I keep them up is they're miserable, a nightmare to put to bed and they wake at 5 anyway! I know their bedtime will get later naturally. Some children are just early birds.

6pm is a perfectly reasonable bedtime for a baby and three year old. If DH worked closer to home it wouldn't be an issue but as it is he has a long commute.

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 03/08/2019 23:18

Yes YABU, he works 12 hour days you get to do what you want all week

@bimbodoc, you missed the memo:

OP has a baby & a 3 year old.
She's working 12 hours days too.
Her DH only works 5 days a week. She works 7.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 03/08/2019 23:18

When you have just as much free time as he does, then all is good. But as it is... What a selfish ass he is.

ChildminderMum · 03/08/2019 23:22

flamingwok - what do you do when the clocks change? Don't tell me you spend half the year waking up at 4am???

You can shift their routine if you want to, it just takes a few days of being consistent. Every parent in the country does it every time the clocks change and children adapt within a week.

6pm bedtime is fine but it's causing two problems for you - very early waking meaning you need lie-ins at the weekend, and children not seeing dad at bedtime. Seeing as you AIBU is about the children not seeing enough of their dad, that is something I would tackle.

Namenic · 03/08/2019 23:24

lots Of kids do multiple activities at weekends, which kinda takes away from the parent-child time. I guess you could move dd swimming to a week day if you really wanted more dad time?

mussolini9 · 03/08/2019 23:25

Also you knew this was part of his life when you married and decided to have children with him so I’m not sure what you thought would happen.

OP has already told you what she thought would happen, @lastqueenofscotland. It's right there in her initial post:

He always said when they children were a bit bigger he'd reassess how much he plays.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/08/2019 23:25

Things are bound to naturally improve over the next few years anyway. I thought he would be out all day and most of the evening on a Saturday from your earlier posts. So he is spending time with them on the morning. He can get his kit and stuff up together on the evening before to save some time and he could get up at 9 instead of 9:30. It also seems he isnt spending much/ any time hanging around after the match either. I would maybe try keeping the children up until 6:30 of an evening. They may wake at 5 still initially but they will quickly adjust.

notdaddycool · 03/08/2019 23:27

He’s a nob tell him to retire, life is different now from when he started. Find a Saturday activity he can take kids to.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/08/2019 23:32

The football is something that’s important to him

Apparently more important than his children.

We all have to compromise our outside interests when we have DC. Somehow its expected of women but women are told "you knew he had this hobby" when men prioritise their leisure activities over their DC.

He can cut the lie in on Saturdays to spend at least some time with his own DC and do something with them on Sunday to give the OP a break.

Ohmygoodnessreally · 03/08/2019 23:57

Can’t believe some of these replies. Must be a wind up.
No way in hell this would wash in my house!
Can you imagine any decent mum disappearing to do something for herself every.single.saturday??
Madness. Op. Yanbu.

ToPlanZ · 03/08/2019 23:59

Of course YANBU. When you have kids life changes for BOTH parents. Ignore all the posters who seem to be suggesting that because he has a penis he just gets to carry on regardless. Love the way some posters are like well you knew he liked football so it's your own fault. It's like they believe you didn't have any interests you've had to compromise.

At the moment he's putting football before his children, he should be prioritizing them.

The level of sexism from other women on here never ceases to amaze and horrify

EL8888 · 04/08/2019 03:30

@flamingwok don’t worry l get it and your perspective. But yeah l forgot the nails part of your lovely indulgent days to yourself 😂

nocoolnamesleft · 04/08/2019 03:40

YANBU. If he wants to spend Sat pm out playing, then he can give up his Sat am lie in, and spend that with his kids.

Yeahsurewhatever · 04/08/2019 03:48

Get a hobby, go walking or for a swim two nights a week and for a few hours on Sunday.
He doesn't have a leg to stand on. If he doesn't like it, he can realise it's not acceptable. Then it's his own realisation and there can be no resentment on you.
If he's fine with it, which I doubt, he at least will be spending more time with the kids and you get a bit of me time

FinallyMrsE · 04/08/2019 03:55

I’ve not read the full thread but could the compromise be that he turns up later for a quick warm up before the game and then leaves to come home immediately after? Then it’s not going to be all afternoon every Saturday, it’ll be a couple of hours?

MinnieMountain · 04/08/2019 06:55

YANBU.
DH plays hockey. He stopped playing regular matches when DS was 18 months old as DS was clearly starting to miss him. He now sticks to training and tournaments.
A major reason his DP's marriage failed was that his DF carried on playing as if he didn't have DC.

Angrybird123 · 04/08/2019 07:07

Lots of posters keep focusing on the idea that the op should get equal time 'off' but this is not what she is asking about or for. She is concerned about her child's upset at daddy disappearing to play with his friends. I agree he could get up at 7.30 rather than 9.30 which would still be a lie in and give him a much bigger chunk of time with her first and getting his kit prepped the night before is a good idea too but bigger picture is that he should be looking for ways to alter his commitment.. The veterans team or something similar so that he can still play regularly but maybe not every single weekend.

Angrybird123 · 04/08/2019 07:10

Oh and OP, I get the bedtime / morning thing. Mine always woke at 5 something no matter what time they went to bed. Can't remember issues with clock changes, we just did things at the right time and they slotted in but we could never orchestrate a later wake up by a later bedtime, it just didn't happen.

TwistyTop · 04/08/2019 07:13

OP, YABU. Only women have to give up things that they love after they have babies. Men get to do whatever they like, and you must facilitate that.

Hmm
pebblemix · 04/08/2019 07:25

YANBU. Start going out every Sunday for the day and two eves during the week and leave him with the kids doing everything. Seriously that’s the only way you are going to wake him up. He needs to be left alone with the kids for prolonged periods of time. Forget family time for a while. Take the same number of hours out of the house per week. You need to hammer this home now or you can write off the next 15 years until the kids can be left at home alone. Go to yoga twice a week in the eves and find a netball/tennis/swing dance club that meet on a Sunday and go. Every week. Fairs fair right? and when he doesn’t like it then you’ve got something to negotiate with. Right now he’s having all of his cake and eating it. Gets to swan around thinking he’s David beckham. Everything done at home. Sex on tap. Why would he change anything? How much housework does he do every week?

GPatz · 04/08/2019 07:27

'Let the poor bloke be'.

Yes, OP. Poor little man Wink

SummerHouse · 04/08/2019 07:32

I didn't really have time consuming hobbies BC but if I had, I would have given them up. Confused

But if someone doesn't want to, what happens? Ideally it's a joint decision and compromise to find the best way to fit it in. In this case it's not very flexible so tricky. If you can find a way to let this happen without resenting it, then you are a beautiful person and he is lucky to have you. Equally, if you can't that's understandable.

MsTSwift · 04/08/2019 07:44

Yanbu at all op. Well out of order. When your kids are little it’s all hands on deck and these all encompassing hobbies have to take a back seat for a few years. Thems the breaks of bring a parent. Dh has a hobby he loves but he fits it around the family and rarely did it when kids pre schoolers.

MsTSwift · 04/08/2019 07:47

Mine now gets up at 6am on holiday to do his bike rides he gets back just as our dds (and me) having breakfast (kids 10 and 13). So everyone’s happy. If he had done that when I had a baby and toddler I don’t think we’d still be together

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