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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DHs hobby?

265 replies

flamingwok · 03/08/2019 18:43

I need opinions, please and thanks.

DH has played football for as long as I've known him (in fact since he was a small boy). We've been together 15 years and married for eight. We have a three, nearly four year old and a baby. I'm a sahm, he works Mon- Fri and is out of the house 7-7 each day.

He trains two evenings a week and is gone playing from lunchtime on a Saturday until 5/6pm. We take turns at a weekend to have a lie in one day each (as we're up at 5am each day with the children) and he has his on a Saturday so he's rested for his game so basically he's around for about 2/3 hours on a Saturday morning when the children are awake. He's club captain, the most experienced player at 36 years old. He always said when they children were a bit bigger he'd reassess how much he plays.

Our DD is getting to an age now where she's really starting to get really quite upset missing her Dad on a Saturday, especially bearing in mind she only sees him for a quick breakfast in the week each day she's in bed when he gets home. Also, we're looking to get her into some kids club type things at a weekend most of which run on an afternoon and most I can't take her to with a baby too.

I've spoken to DH and asked if he can maybe look at cutting down the Saturdays. The only family time we really have is on a Sunday, and I barely have any time to do anything actually myself if I want to. I've no problem with the weeknight evenings training, or him going running whenever he wants in the evenings as the children are in bed anyway so no hassle to me or them.

He has basically just said no. That I can just bring the children along if they miss him and that that's not how team sports work, he can't just do every second week for example (which I'd be happy with). That lots of his team mates (who are mostly in their mid to late twenties) have young families and that they just go to watch.

I was a child whose brother played football and I got dragged along to watch every Saturday. I was bored as hell. I also used to have to watch my Dad play rugby constantly as a young child - again, did not enjoy at all. His sister was also made to do this while they were growing up and always says how much she hated it. Plus I've taken my eldest before the baby came and it's really not that child friendly - lots of smoking on the edge of the pitch. Adults yelling and swearing while the kids hang around at knees or are stuck in buggies. His team mates might be happy with that for their children but I'm not. I also don't want to go myself I can't imagine anything more boring!

So I've asked if his club won't allow a fortnightly commitment could he look at a veterans team, which he's well old enough to join and who play less regularly and with less commitment. Again, it's a no for now. He's still apparently young and fit enough to play at this level so that's what he wants to do.

Also worth mentioning that he has another non sports related interest that he does probably once every two/three months that takes him away overnight or for a weekend. I have no problem with this.

I think he's being a selfish, uncompromising sod. He disagrees.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MegaClutterSlut · 03/08/2019 19:33

Yanbu. Marriage/family is about being a team, he's not exactly being a great player in that imo

timeisnotaline · 03/08/2019 19:33

You also have been fully aware of his commitment to the game which has been a lifelong one.
Well now he has another lifetime commitment, called children. Many many many many people alter their commitment level when they have children.
I think the op should take Sunday afternoons off. Forget family time for a while, just go for a walk or to a cafe or the library or the woods, it doesn’t matter what. And leave him to it. tell him he’s not more important than you in this relationship but he is telling you he is. You’re hurt and upset and need some time on your own for a fucking change.

Loveislandaddict · 03/08/2019 19:33

The football is something that’s important to him, so it’s a little unfair to ask him to reduce hours, and if you in a team, you have to play every week.

Can he train once weekly, instead of twice? Maybe for some weeks if not every week.

He’s around Saturday morning, so not out all day.

MostlyHappyMummy · 03/08/2019 19:35

The solution is to take up a hobby or activity, which takes you out of the house 2 evenings a week and on Sundays for the same number of hours that he is out on a Saturday.
Absolutely nothing else will make him see how selfish he is being.
The problem is he will complain and say that you are depriving him and the children of family time, yet he isn't by doing the same thing. Even more sadly, like most women you'll agree and that that will be that.

Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 19:36

The training is not an issue. The children are in bed and I don't mind him not being here two evenings a week.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 03/08/2019 19:36

Usually I say its fair if you get the same amou t of downtime. If you took the same the kids would only see you both one workday evening a week. I'm sorry but while kids are little he needs to cut back a bit. It's not fair leaving you with the kids all that time. I think he should cut one of the weekday evenings and cut Saturdays shorter.

MegaClutterSlut · 03/08/2019 19:37

The football may be important to him but surely his kids and wife are more important? He sounds like a selfish dick imo

Lindormilk · 03/08/2019 19:37

Is there a reason why you don’t go watch him play?

Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 19:37

Yes @Lindormilk as explained on the OP.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 03/08/2019 19:38

What mostly said.

BertrandRussell · 03/08/2019 19:40

If he won’t give up the football then he should give up the lie in. Saturday til after lunch is family time. Then he can go and play. Then he does bath and bed. Then a chunk of Sunday is for you to do what you want.

Amummyatlast · 03/08/2019 19:41

Watching people play football is very boring for those that aren’t interested in it. And I remember that once or twice my dad played football while looking after us when we kids, requiring us to sit on the sides, and I hated it.

Why does he get to carry on his life unaffected?

riotlady · 03/08/2019 19:41

I think you need to lay out to him why it isn’t fair, tell him you’re not saying he needs to quit but that HE needs to come up with some solution so that you get equal free time and you all spend time together as a family.

One suggestion I would have is that he cuts his lie-in a bit short on Saturdays (lets say if kids are normally up at 7 he gets to sleep in til 8), then he’s on duty all Saturday morning while you get to go out and do whatever you want (and he gets some quality time with the kids and hopefully appreciates what you do a bit more!), Saturday afternoon is football for him and Sunday is family day (with your lie-in)

I don’t think he needs to give up his hobby but at the moment you’re making all the compromises and he’s making none, it’s not fair.

StCharlotte · 03/08/2019 19:43

that's not how team sports work, he can't just do every second week for example

As you know from your own childhood this is sadly true. It might not be right but it is true.

NeverOwnAHouse · 03/08/2019 19:43

If your LO is getting upset that she doesn’t see her dad on a Saturday then perhaps get over your own ‘boredom’ and take them to watch a game once every few weeks?

FadedRed · 03/08/2019 19:46

I think he's being a selfish, uncompromising sod.
He is.
He disagrees.
Well he would, wouldn’t he?

ILearnedItFromABook · 03/08/2019 19:48

YANBU (especially since he acknowledged in the past that something would have to change when the children were older), but I don't know that there's much you can do without making him angry and resentful. I agree that it's selfish of him, though. He could take up a new hobby that doesn't demand such strict scheduling (or switch to the veteran team you mentioned).

Maybe you could try to get him to agree that he'll quit this team after another season or two, so at least there's an end in sight, but it doesn't sound like he'll be willing to make an concrete plans.

It's fairly crappy of him to apparently care more about his sport than the fact that he hardly ever sees his young daughter. The day may come that he'll regret missing so much of her young years.

Lindormilk · 03/08/2019 19:52

What you said in your OP, its what’s its about. That happens at matches. So that's your reason?

Phineyj · 03/08/2019 19:54

My DH was quite a serious cyclist when we had our DC. He cut right back (obviously I cut back on hobbies too). Now she's school age we're both doing things for ourselves again. But we do about the same amount. If your DH was fair-minded, really, he'd find an alternative sport.

This will come down to you not working, I imagine. He simply doesn't see what you do as of equal worth so you don't 'deserve' the same time off or as much of a say.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/08/2019 19:58

There is no point him training 2 nights a week if he isn't playing. Take some time out for yourself. Go out a couple of evenings when he is home. Or of a Sunday afternoon.

OooErMissus · 03/08/2019 19:59

What you said in your OP, its what’s its about. That happens at matches. So that's your reason?

What....?

Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 19:59

Yes @Lindormilk and it's a perfectly valid one. Aside from finding it boring (which I openly admit I do) I do not want my young children around loads of smoking, drinking later on after the match or shouting and swearing adults. I wouldn't take them to watch a football match in a pub, it's not an appropriate environment. No difference because it's outside. Add to that that DD wouldn't be any happier watching her Dad at the side of the pitch because she'd be wondering why he couldn't play with her/was ignoring her plus a mobile baby stuck in a buggy for hours at a time because the field is dog poo central? No thanks.

Before anyone else says about me finding it boring - I do. I also find lots of things that I do for my children boring but I suck those up and do them with a smile and good grace because that what you do for your children. I don't need to spend my weekends doing it too.

OP posts:
MoltoAgitato · 03/08/2019 20:01

Christ almighty, where are all the regulars? He’s being completely U and I’m amazed there are so many people on here who think he isn’t.

We both had time consuming hobbies before kids, and they got completely put on hold for about 5 years. By the time the kids get to primary school, they have their own hobbies too, so you don’t actually get much more time to do your hobbies. We both do our pre kids hobbies, but to much less of an extent, and we both do new, less time consuming (or more evening - friendly) hobbies.

The sad thing is I bet that if your eldest was a boy, your DH would be busy planning your son’s entry into football clubs. He needs a short, sharp shock. Why in the name of all that is holy does he think anyone would want to stand around watching him play football?

Lindormilk · 03/08/2019 20:01

Well its a case of liking in or lumping it. He won't change and you should not try to neither.

Lindormilk · 03/08/2019 20:03

@MoltoAgitato he could aslo sign his daughter to a club.

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