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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DHs hobby?

265 replies

flamingwok · 03/08/2019 18:43

I need opinions, please and thanks.

DH has played football for as long as I've known him (in fact since he was a small boy). We've been together 15 years and married for eight. We have a three, nearly four year old and a baby. I'm a sahm, he works Mon- Fri and is out of the house 7-7 each day.

He trains two evenings a week and is gone playing from lunchtime on a Saturday until 5/6pm. We take turns at a weekend to have a lie in one day each (as we're up at 5am each day with the children) and he has his on a Saturday so he's rested for his game so basically he's around for about 2/3 hours on a Saturday morning when the children are awake. He's club captain, the most experienced player at 36 years old. He always said when they children were a bit bigger he'd reassess how much he plays.

Our DD is getting to an age now where she's really starting to get really quite upset missing her Dad on a Saturday, especially bearing in mind she only sees him for a quick breakfast in the week each day she's in bed when he gets home. Also, we're looking to get her into some kids club type things at a weekend most of which run on an afternoon and most I can't take her to with a baby too.

I've spoken to DH and asked if he can maybe look at cutting down the Saturdays. The only family time we really have is on a Sunday, and I barely have any time to do anything actually myself if I want to. I've no problem with the weeknight evenings training, or him going running whenever he wants in the evenings as the children are in bed anyway so no hassle to me or them.

He has basically just said no. That I can just bring the children along if they miss him and that that's not how team sports work, he can't just do every second week for example (which I'd be happy with). That lots of his team mates (who are mostly in their mid to late twenties) have young families and that they just go to watch.

I was a child whose brother played football and I got dragged along to watch every Saturday. I was bored as hell. I also used to have to watch my Dad play rugby constantly as a young child - again, did not enjoy at all. His sister was also made to do this while they were growing up and always says how much she hated it. Plus I've taken my eldest before the baby came and it's really not that child friendly - lots of smoking on the edge of the pitch. Adults yelling and swearing while the kids hang around at knees or are stuck in buggies. His team mates might be happy with that for their children but I'm not. I also don't want to go myself I can't imagine anything more boring!

So I've asked if his club won't allow a fortnightly commitment could he look at a veterans team, which he's well old enough to join and who play less regularly and with less commitment. Again, it's a no for now. He's still apparently young and fit enough to play at this level so that's what he wants to do.

Also worth mentioning that he has another non sports related interest that he does probably once every two/three months that takes him away overnight or for a weekend. I have no problem with this.

I think he's being a selfish, uncompromising sod. He disagrees.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 04/08/2019 10:42

You’re not unreasonable, but you’ve talked about it and he won’t change.

Is your baby breast fed? Your comments about the baby wanting milk / wanting you as soon as she wakes made me wonder whether you actually get an undisturbed lie in on Sundays .

I think previous posters’ suggestions about DH having either the lie in, or the free afternoon - not both- are reasonable. He could then take DD to a Saturday morning activity, so that she gets the time and attention from her father that she clearly wants and needs. You could alternate Sunday lie-ins.

At 36, he probably hasn’t got many more seasons at this level. Perhaps a way forward would be to agree that he does one more season as club captain with the proviso that he does a Saturday morning activity with DD, but after this season he steps down as captain, and either turns up and plays for a couple of hours or joins a veterans team.

DameSquashalot · 04/08/2019 10:45

So he is spending time with them in the morning. I think you need to get your story straight OP.

OP's story is pretty straight. He sees them for very little time on a Saturday morning and comes back when it's nearly time for bed.

You say you assumed he would change his pattern of commitment once the children were growing up but did you actually discuss that beforehand? you knew who he was and how much time he spent on this before you chose to have children

They discussed it and he said he would reassess when the DC's were older.

I agree with you OP on 8pm being too late for a 3yr old to go to bed.

Original poster
flamingwok · 04/08/2019 10:52

@OoohRhubarbLetsGo Yes she's breastfed. I bring her into our bed and feed her when she wakes and then hand her over to DH on a Sunday and go back to sleep while he gets up and takes them both downstairs for breakfast etc. I never have any trouble dropping back offGrin

I don't mind, she takes ten minutes to feed these days and only had two or three feeds a day and none at night. She's dropping down now definitely. Plus there's nothing that DH can do about that really, he can't physically do that for me.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 04/08/2019 10:56

I think he should continue to play as this may be his last year or two being able to play for the main team, however he needs to let someone else take on the captaincy so that he can play a less role in the team.

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 04/08/2019 10:59

That’s fair enough , but it does mean that you are awake and doing the first part of childcare every single morning , which isn’t the same as the totally undisturbed lie-in your husband gets on a Saturday.

rainbowstardrops · 04/08/2019 11:00

He's being totally selfish!
He said he'd have to re-asses the situation once the children were older but now the time has come, he's flatly refusing to do that. Absolutely not on.

Oh and he needs to be rested and match ready?!!!!! What a crock of shit! I assume he's not playing in the premier league?!
Why can't he go to bed earlier on Friday?

If he insists on keeping the Saturday football then he needs to ditch the Saturday lie-in and swap it for family time and he needs to come home straight after the match instead of going drinking. Being out for 5-6 hours for a football match is ridiculous! Right now, he's choosing to swap time with his family for time with his footie mates. How utterly selfish especially as he knows his DD is becoming increasingly upset that he's 'playing with his friends' and not her!

I think you should turn the tables here and ask him if he'd be happy to be at home all week looking after the children pretty much 100% (I know this isn't your issue) and he'd be perfectly happy for you to bugger off on a Saturday for 5/6 hours too.

When push comes to shove, he is choosing football over his family. A PP said he's being a good sporting role model for his children but he's not being a good father role model. He's being a selfish arse!

I think you need to sit him down and stress that the situation isn't working right now.

SummerInTheVillage · 04/08/2019 11:00

YANBU. He's a selfish prick.

I can't stand men or women who put their hobbies before family life. Pathetic.

AngelsSins · 04/08/2019 11:12

YABVU. Let the poor bloke be

Wow, some of the comments here! The “poor bloke” who has an easier life now than he did pre kids because he doesn’t even have to do any house work now?

I suspect that if he wanted OP to go back to work, these same people would suggest that she have to do this? It wouldn’t be fair on him being forced to be the only one financially supporting the household when he doesn’t want to?

So why is it that when OP no longer wants to be forced into providing sole care for their children all Saturday, she’s unreasonable?

SignedUpJust4This · 04/08/2019 12:49

I'm pretty sure the OP didn't spend nights and early mornings breastfeeding babies but some things change when you become a parent. I can't believe there are people on here who feel 'the poor bloke' should not have to make any compromises now that he's a parent! Seems to be a growing number of martyrs on MN these days. I blame Instagram.

Chamomileteaplease · 04/08/2019 13:02

Well I can actually understand why your dh doesn't want to give this up. He works long hours and you say he does quite a lot at home as well. Surely it's important for parents of young children to have their own "thing" otherwise life can be just one long grind.

But I agree with a PP, could he not hand over the captaincy so that he can have less responsibility and be away for less time. Then he may get home for the kids' bedtime after all and not have to leave so early either. At the moment it does seem pretty shit that he is unavailable for most of Saturday.

I also think it would be great for you to get out by yourself on Sundays. That would be fair and may help your resentment.

Also, this period may not last as the kids will go to bed later and see more of him during the week and you won't be so overwhelmed with parenthood.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/08/2019 13:10

He will not stop the lie in. He needs to be well rested for the match

So point out to him that he has obviously decided that his sport is more important than time with his DC.

He will likely object but that is exactly what he is doing.

LannieDuck · 04/08/2019 13:20

I think the only way he can carry on doing it and get more time at weekends with his kids is to hand off the captaincy. It's the only compromise that makes sense.

SignedUpJust4This · 04/08/2019 13:22

And he doesn't need to stay for food and pint every time. He's opting out of parenting. Sure OP would love that choice.

Whosorrynow · 04/08/2019 13:23

Indulging himself and feeling good about himself enjoying being part of a team and gaining the respect of his peers, raising his status in the eyes of other men
this is much more valuable to him than his own children

Whosorrynow · 04/08/2019 13:26

I remember all this from a previous life, it's all about the team you can't let the team down, this group of random men who have nothing to do with me prioritising an activity which is completely pointless and useless to me
All this comes before his wife and his children

DameSquashalot · 04/08/2019 13:48

I agree that he should give up the captaincy. That's the very least he can do.

littleblueorchid · 04/08/2019 13:53

Poor little boy, still needing his lie in. My DP works 6.30 to 5pm every day and also works weekends. Your DH sounds like a seriously selfish arse OP. I was that child subjected to a step fathers obsessive football hobby (both playing, watching and ruddy teletext, refreshing the results (how sad is that?!) and I vowed three things to myself when I was old enough to have relationships. One - no big drinkers, no smokers and no bloody football! Bored me to tears my whole childhood!

littleblueorchid · 04/08/2019 14:09

He could carry on doing the same amount of training and playing if he quite reasonably ditched the lie-ins and captaincy extra responsibilities. He needs to man up and be a better father and husband and he can do this whilst still retaining his hobby.

Whosorrynow · 04/08/2019 17:20

He needs to man up and be a better father and husband and he can do this whilst still retaining his hobby
parenting doesn't make (certain types of?) men feel manly, they find it emasculating and so in order to gain the sense of masculine self esteem that they crave we get 'me Tarzan, play football, you Jane do all the menial tasks so I don't have to feel like a menial emasculated person'

littleblueorchid · 04/08/2019 17:27

You're absolutely right there whosorrynow , give me a man who is utterly comfortable in his masculinity to not have to prioritise proving his manliness to his mates.

blueluce85 · 04/08/2019 17:36

I havent rtft but fwiw i think yanbu, to have a hobby, or to have exercise in your life is great... But so many people i know who are really fit and active, do it at 8am on a Saturday so they are free by 9.30 for family stuff for the day.... 12-6 occupies the whole jole day and nothing else can be planned around it.. V v selfish imho

Whosorrynow · 04/08/2019 17:38

but we are the boys, we are the BOYS
it's all about us, being cool, out there doing it, getting all the glory, validating each other

If I only knew then what I know now

Aridane · 04/08/2019 17:57

I agree with the earlier posters who think YABU

Aridane · 04/08/2019 17:58

I don't see why he should get to live the life of a single man when you have to carry the can

He’s hardly living the life of a single man!

ChangeYourThinking · 04/08/2019 18:04

OP how about he keeps his football but gives up his lie in? Surely it’s not fair that he has both and your only break is your lie in?

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