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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DHs hobby?

265 replies

flamingwok · 03/08/2019 18:43

I need opinions, please and thanks.

DH has played football for as long as I've known him (in fact since he was a small boy). We've been together 15 years and married for eight. We have a three, nearly four year old and a baby. I'm a sahm, he works Mon- Fri and is out of the house 7-7 each day.

He trains two evenings a week and is gone playing from lunchtime on a Saturday until 5/6pm. We take turns at a weekend to have a lie in one day each (as we're up at 5am each day with the children) and he has his on a Saturday so he's rested for his game so basically he's around for about 2/3 hours on a Saturday morning when the children are awake. He's club captain, the most experienced player at 36 years old. He always said when they children were a bit bigger he'd reassess how much he plays.

Our DD is getting to an age now where she's really starting to get really quite upset missing her Dad on a Saturday, especially bearing in mind she only sees him for a quick breakfast in the week each day she's in bed when he gets home. Also, we're looking to get her into some kids club type things at a weekend most of which run on an afternoon and most I can't take her to with a baby too.

I've spoken to DH and asked if he can maybe look at cutting down the Saturdays. The only family time we really have is on a Sunday, and I barely have any time to do anything actually myself if I want to. I've no problem with the weeknight evenings training, or him going running whenever he wants in the evenings as the children are in bed anyway so no hassle to me or them.

He has basically just said no. That I can just bring the children along if they miss him and that that's not how team sports work, he can't just do every second week for example (which I'd be happy with). That lots of his team mates (who are mostly in their mid to late twenties) have young families and that they just go to watch.

I was a child whose brother played football and I got dragged along to watch every Saturday. I was bored as hell. I also used to have to watch my Dad play rugby constantly as a young child - again, did not enjoy at all. His sister was also made to do this while they were growing up and always says how much she hated it. Plus I've taken my eldest before the baby came and it's really not that child friendly - lots of smoking on the edge of the pitch. Adults yelling and swearing while the kids hang around at knees or are stuck in buggies. His team mates might be happy with that for their children but I'm not. I also don't want to go myself I can't imagine anything more boring!

So I've asked if his club won't allow a fortnightly commitment could he look at a veterans team, which he's well old enough to join and who play less regularly and with less commitment. Again, it's a no for now. He's still apparently young and fit enough to play at this level so that's what he wants to do.

Also worth mentioning that he has another non sports related interest that he does probably once every two/three months that takes him away overnight or for a weekend. I have no problem with this.

I think he's being a selfish, uncompromising sod. He disagrees.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 04/08/2019 07:52

Our lie ins are till 9:30am. Which is amazing given that we're up at 5am most days. It gives us both a chance to catch up from the week. So he's up at 9:30, showers, shaves, gets football stuff ready, eats, plays with the girls a bit then is out of the house by 12. Home around 5/6. If it's closer to 5 he might see them for a little bit, 6pm they're in bed.

So he is spending time with them in the morning. I think you need to get your story straight OP.

Phineyj · 04/08/2019 07:57

I also have a child who wakes early and who actually wakes earlier if I put her to bed later. She's 6 now and does sometimes sleep as late as 7am, but when she was a toddler it was more like 5.30am. She's exhausted by 7pm. When we've changed time zones she wakes at the exact same time adjusted for the time difference! Messing with
your DDs' sleep patterns is not a sensible solution to your DH's work-life balance issues, especially as you will soon all need to get up for school. When you will find eldest DD will need ferrying to parties most weekend afternoons!

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 04/08/2019 07:58

Daddy has to go to work to earn the money to buy things while Mummy stays at home to look after her and her sister.

What a depressingly phrased sentence.

ChildminderMum · 04/08/2019 08:02

Can't remember issues with clock changes, we just did things at the right time and they slotted in but we could never orchestrate a later wake up by a later bedtime, it just didn't happen.
But you did orchestrate a later wake up by a later bedtime when the clocks changed Confused You just did things at the right time and they slotted in!

OP just needs to pretend to herself that the clocks have changed, and move everything an hour later - treat 5am as night and don't get them out of bed til 6, move meals, naps, bedtime routine an hour later and then put them to bed at 7pm and do it consistently just like parents do when the clocks change. Even physically change the clocks in the house if it helps psychologically.
Personally I'd then repeat the same process and get them waking at 6.30/7am and going to bed at 7.30/8pm - then they'd get to say good bye to daddy in the mornings, and he would be home in time to do bath time and a bedtime story.

Quartz2208 · 04/08/2019 08:02

Yep DH always gets up early to fit in his gym and running
He has to choose lie in or football

And you need to sort out the 5am wake up for your 4 year old slowly move it back to 6/6:30 a gro clock in winter might help. It’s just with school on the horizon a 5-6 schedule will be impossible for her to continue a 6-7 one would be much better

But the real issue is you are not a team at the moment he is putting his football team first

Worrisomewart · 04/08/2019 08:05

Hmm tough one. He obviously enjoys this and has done it for many years before you even got together. But I don't think it's unreasonable to want him to cut back a bit now that he has a family. It's what he enjoys though so he'll probably be resentful of you for stopping it. An ideal solution would be if he came to the decision himself but doesn't sound like that will happen.

I certainly wouldn't be dragging the kids every weekend to watch but occasionally they might enjoy it?

Ragwort · 04/08/2019 08:06

ohmygoodness lots of mums keep their hobbies going when they have DC, It's important to prioritise time for yourself and to do it from Day 1 of being a parent, so many women fall into the martyr trap and think they can't possibly be apart from their children.

M0RVEN · 04/08/2019 08:14

The solution is to take up a hobby or activity, which takes you out of the house 2 evenings a week and on Sundays for the same number of hours that he is out on a Saturday

Absolutely nothing else will make him see how selfish he is being.
The problem is he will complain and say that you are depriving him and the children of family time, yet he isn't by doing the same thing. Even more sadly, like most women you'll agree and that that will be that

This. Talking is getting you no where.

HorridHenrysNits · 04/08/2019 08:21

Obviously YANBU.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 04/08/2019 08:32

God all the people saying take the kids to watch, its bad enough they miss their dad why force them to be bored bloody stiff every week too?

BertrandRussell · 04/08/2019 08:37

You know what? When swimming pools, sports pitches and courts are surrounded by dads and children coming to watch their wives and mums playing, we might have reached some sort of equality!

MashedSpud · 04/08/2019 08:39

Get a babysitter and go out partying with the girls. He’ll soon cut his football down.

EskiVodkaCranberry · 04/08/2019 08:44

Lie in or football I reckon, both is a bit of a joke

jackstini · 04/08/2019 08:51

Does the 3 yo go to nursery at all? Might be worth looking into so she has something different to do plus it will help her get ready for going to school

Dance class during football time?

My DH played football Sat & Sun until we had DC then cut down to 1 day. He was definitely a better person for playing though. It was a real outlet for stress and energy after a bad work week.
Once DC were older though he gave it up and we swapped roles so he is now at home and I work

It probably won't be long until your DH has to cut down anyway but I would make sure you do stuff with kids and on your own

Original poster
flamingwok · 04/08/2019 09:02

@Hopoindown31 Get my story straight? I said from the start he sees the girls briefly on a Saturday morning before he leaves. By the time he's up at 9:30ish and ready he probably has maybe an hour or so with them. Nowhere have I said differently.

@jackstini DD goes to preschool 15 hours a week. Which she loves.

@ChildminderMum I don't think 7:30/8pm is an appropriate bedtime for a 3 year old and a baby so we'll have to agree to disagree there. Regardless as I said even if I did put them to bed that late they'd still wake early! So they'd just be missing sleep not moving it.

I'm happy with their bedtime, and it will move naturally as they age. I'm not willing to force them to change their routine to fit in with their Dads work hours! And nor is he actually. We have two well rested children.

OP posts:
hideyho · 04/08/2019 09:03

YANBU.
My DH had a similar football commitment which he gave up when our DS2 was born. By mutual agreement. I just couldn't cope with him being gone most of Saturday after a full on week. Fast forward a few years and we are back to training two nights a week and weekend matches - but with my two sons! Life changes and people must change as well. It's not fair on you or your children. He is being very selfish.

Original poster
flamingwok · 04/08/2019 09:04

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Why is that depressing? It's only so if you have an issue with a stay at home mother surely? Which I don't - I chose my life and generally I love it thanks. Don't feel sorry for me, I'm a qualified professional who made an educated choice.

Women can choose to be at home quite happily you know!

OP posts:
Chathamhouserules · 04/08/2019 09:04

Yanbu
Especially since he said he would cut down when children older. He obviously realised when he said that that it would be too much.
Saturday afternoon is quite an antisocial time for the hobby as it stops you doing anything else that day.
My dh does lots of running. We eventually found a compromise which works ok for when he does his long runs. It is prob not his ideal solution but he realises he has to compromise to keep up such a time consuming hobby.
We go to watch occasionally but its a bit dull. I'd hate to spend sat afternoon watching football and so would the kids!

HorridHenrysNits · 04/08/2019 09:10

Some people seem to have a lot of confidence in the idea that the 3 year old going to see her dad at football will be a positive experience. Which is odd, considering it'll require not going near her daddy and having to stay out of the area where the game is being played. And we don't even have information about whether there is much room for her to play alongside or whether pretty much all the available space is taken up by pitch/es. Quite a lot of potential for that to go wrong with a toddler! Especially one whose supervising parent is also watching a presumably fairly mobile baby too.

Hopoindown31 · 04/08/2019 09:11

@flamingwok

He doesn't have Saturday morning, it's his lie in day before football. No, he's never home for bedtime. He has maybe an hour in the mornings before work.

That's what you said. Clearly implying that he spends no time with them on Saturday morning.

He does have Saturday morning and if he got up a bit earlier and got his stuff ready the night before he'd have more time on Saturday morning.

My view is that this isn't really about the football at all.

NCpreggo · 04/08/2019 09:13

YANBU and i don't understand how people on here are saying you are - usually bring up a DH "hobby" and people are on it!

He already acknowledged the football would be disruptive/not fit in with having a family but now the time for change/compromise is upon him he doesn't want to - he's a selfish arse and I can't believe his daughter wanting to spend that time with him is having no impact on his behaviour.

His kids are barely going to know the man if things continue this way. They are only young once. He can do his football for the rest of his life.

BertrandRussell · 04/08/2019 09:15

If he gets up at 9.30 and leaves at 12 he won’t have spent much time with the children!

The solution is really simple.He stops the Saturday lie in.

Original poster
flamingwok · 04/08/2019 09:17

@HorridHenrysNits There's no play area (at home anyway). It's just a grotty football pitch field with dog poo everywhere except the pitch so nowhere for the children to play. Babies need to stay in buggies and children basically are expected to stand at knees and watch the game.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 04/08/2019 09:18

With the hours that he works surely the weekends should be family time. Does he not want his dc to look back on their childhood and have fond memories of great days out and weekends away rather than the memory of him choosing to play football every single Saturday. You chose to have children together now he needs to choose them over kicking a ball about.

Original poster
flamingwok · 04/08/2019 09:19

@BertrandRussell He will not stop the lie in. He needs to be well rested for the match.

And thanks I'm glad you seem to understand that maybe an hour on a Saturday morning is not ' having Saturday morning' with his children!

OP posts:
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