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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DHs hobby?

265 replies

flamingwok · 03/08/2019 18:43

I need opinions, please and thanks.

DH has played football for as long as I've known him (in fact since he was a small boy). We've been together 15 years and married for eight. We have a three, nearly four year old and a baby. I'm a sahm, he works Mon- Fri and is out of the house 7-7 each day.

He trains two evenings a week and is gone playing from lunchtime on a Saturday until 5/6pm. We take turns at a weekend to have a lie in one day each (as we're up at 5am each day with the children) and he has his on a Saturday so he's rested for his game so basically he's around for about 2/3 hours on a Saturday morning when the children are awake. He's club captain, the most experienced player at 36 years old. He always said when they children were a bit bigger he'd reassess how much he plays.

Our DD is getting to an age now where she's really starting to get really quite upset missing her Dad on a Saturday, especially bearing in mind she only sees him for a quick breakfast in the week each day she's in bed when he gets home. Also, we're looking to get her into some kids club type things at a weekend most of which run on an afternoon and most I can't take her to with a baby too.

I've spoken to DH and asked if he can maybe look at cutting down the Saturdays. The only family time we really have is on a Sunday, and I barely have any time to do anything actually myself if I want to. I've no problem with the weeknight evenings training, or him going running whenever he wants in the evenings as the children are in bed anyway so no hassle to me or them.

He has basically just said no. That I can just bring the children along if they miss him and that that's not how team sports work, he can't just do every second week for example (which I'd be happy with). That lots of his team mates (who are mostly in their mid to late twenties) have young families and that they just go to watch.

I was a child whose brother played football and I got dragged along to watch every Saturday. I was bored as hell. I also used to have to watch my Dad play rugby constantly as a young child - again, did not enjoy at all. His sister was also made to do this while they were growing up and always says how much she hated it. Plus I've taken my eldest before the baby came and it's really not that child friendly - lots of smoking on the edge of the pitch. Adults yelling and swearing while the kids hang around at knees or are stuck in buggies. His team mates might be happy with that for their children but I'm not. I also don't want to go myself I can't imagine anything more boring!

So I've asked if his club won't allow a fortnightly commitment could he look at a veterans team, which he's well old enough to join and who play less regularly and with less commitment. Again, it's a no for now. He's still apparently young and fit enough to play at this level so that's what he wants to do.

Also worth mentioning that he has another non sports related interest that he does probably once every two/three months that takes him away overnight or for a weekend. I have no problem with this.

I think he's being a selfish, uncompromising sod. He disagrees.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Manno75 · 03/08/2019 21:45

YABU- he is 36 so Father Time will have him on that vets team in no time.

Hopoindown31 · 03/08/2019 21:46

At 36 he won't be playing at senior level for that much longer before he has to move to veterans football, which will be a bit more relaxed. Making him step down now probably near the end of his senior team career seems a bit cruel, this has been a part of his life since he was a kid.

The sport is keeping him healthy and contributing to his happiness and wellbeing. If you make him stop what will you be happy that he does instead? Is it so vital that you daughters can't do without him on Saturday afternoons, so much so that you will enforce a big change on him?

Hopoindown31 · 03/08/2019 21:47

If this is really about you not having time away from the DC, you can go out when he is home.

ChangeYourThinking · 03/08/2019 21:49

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Sorry OP, he sounds a bit self absorbed. When do you get to focus on your health and well-being?

Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 21:51

@Hopoindown31 It's not about me not having any time away from the children. They go to bed at 6pm every night. I have all evening to myself every day and with DH 5 nights a week. Ok yes I cook dinner and tidy up when they've gone to bed but that doesn't take long and I have a good 4 hours without them each evening to watch tv, read, do whatever.

It's about him having so little time with them.

OP posts:
AxCap · 03/08/2019 21:54

@Phineyj I think so. DH is also the captain of his team but none of this staying late to strategise or go for drinks every week is required. Talks etc take place at training. He just has a quick shower then drives home.

Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 21:55

@ChangeYourThinking Not much, at the moment. Before children I used to go to the gym a lot. I've not been able to because I've had two tricky/assisted/surgical births that I'm only just finishing physio for eleven months on (from the final baby). But I will be taking a few evenings a week to do that once I'm signed off to exercise properly again. I've only been allowed to do walks since giving birth again. I'm excited about it actually I've got some baby weight to get off and I want rid of it once and for all now I've finished having children.

I do read in the evenings a lot which sounds boring and it probably is to lots of people but I love it, it's my switch off. I go for dinner and drinks with friends maybe once every three months or so. All of my friends have young families too so trying to organise it can be tricky but we do try.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 03/08/2019 21:56

He has Saturday morning and evening and all of Sunday. That's the majority of the weekend. Is he back in time for bedtime during the week when he isn't training?

Mary1935 · 03/08/2019 21:58

Well he isn’t spending much time with his kids is he. If I where you OP I’d go out on sundays and do something for yourself. He’s entitled to his hobbies and you must have some too.
He is clearly doing what he wants and his life hasn’t changed much has it since having kids. Leave him on his own with them every Sunday.

Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 21:58

@He doesn't have Saturday morning, it's his lie in day before football. No, he's never home for bedtime. He has maybe an hour in the mornings before work.

OP posts:
Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 21:59

That was for
@Hopoindown31. And he doesn't have Saturday evening either because the girls are in bed at 6.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 03/08/2019 22:04

Okay so time during the week is job related. So that is an entirely separate issue and the training is not impacting anything. Any possibility of a different job with shorter hours/commute?

Does he seriously lie in till lunchtime on a Saturday? "A lie in" in my house is about an hour after the kids get up, no more. The problem is not the football its him having such a ridiculous lie-in. He could spend time with the girls before football and on Sunday.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/08/2019 22:04

So if he is happy for you to have time away whilst he looks after them then you should take advantage of that. Ok you wont initially get an awful lot of family time but if he is spending time with the girls they get to enjoy his company and family will come in more over the next few years. Lots of families have to forgo family time for work reasons and just have one parent with the dc for a lot of the time. As the dc get a bit bigger and his playing gets less this will change. He may or may not decide to manage a team but if at any point either if your dcs show an interest in football you can bet your life he will take them and be very involved in that.

JustAVoidReally · 03/08/2019 22:07

YABU.

It has been OK all this time and now you have decided things must change.

Presumably you have seen the benefits of him staying in shape (more than most of us get) and thought he deserves a hobby when he works 12 hour days up til now, and there is the possibility of turning up to cheer him on so DD does not need to miss him quite so much as all that.

What you probably want to look into is where this whim of yours, that stuff needs to change in a long and consistent relationship, comes from.

It is this kind of small "whim" that develops into resentment, unacceptable behaviour and, potentially even divorce, and you have to feel sorry for the DH or DW who is just getting on with their life happily when it suddenly isn't good enough and their hobby is evil, or OH is shagging the secretary, or whatever.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/08/2019 22:07

And by one parent with dc I didn't mean just Mum. I was referring to parents working patterns to save childcare.

Loveislandaddict · 03/08/2019 22:11

Can he cut his lie-in? That would give him more time.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/08/2019 22:13

I’d get him to forego any lie in at all on the weekend, either day. He needs to spend time with his children. His choice to miss out with sport in the afternoon. You should also have some time to yourself on either Saturday morning or Sunday

I would find a swimming or dance class on Saturday afternoon for oldest DD so she has something to look forward to while daddy is away. Either of those are perfectly manageable with a baby in tow

And I would remind him that when he finishes football it is your turn to prioritise your hobbies

Whosorrynow · 03/08/2019 22:14

I remember the days of being a football widow 🤔

EL8888 · 03/08/2019 22:40

I would hardly call it a “whim”. Why does she have to juggle the children everyday. Especially with one of them being so young and there being more than 1 child

Wallywobbles · 03/08/2019 22:56

Out if interest if you were divorced would he ever see his kids? EOW wouldn't work as it is.

RaaRaaeee · 03/08/2019 23:03

He needs to be more willing to make some sacrifices for his family- sounds like his life has not changed at all, and yours is different beyond recognition! This may be your choice, but he needs to accommodate his families needs too- that is not just your responsibility.
I particularly think he is being very unreasonable wanting a lie in on Saturday. That’s completely taking the piss. If I were you, I would find an early morning Saturday club he can take eldest daughter to before he goes off, sounds like your daughter would really appreciate some quality time with him. If he is so committed to football he can get an early night on a Friday.
Ok he wants to play for this league as long as possible, but that doesn’t mean he can’t make any changes when his family are not happy- his family should be his priority not his hobby!

Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 23:04

@Hopoindown31 No, no job changes I wrote a post about that a few pages back. His job is great, the hours just are what they are. The benefits definitely outweighs the negatives and hopefully as the children get older they will naturally have a later bedtime and he'll have a bit more time with them in the week.

This is no 'whim'. We said when we had the children (who were both very much planned and wanted by us both) that once they started to get older he'd need to look at the time he spent out of the house for his hobbies. This time is now upon us and he's not holding to word!

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 03/08/2019 23:06

Not sure about this I don't think he is necessarily unreasonable especially as this hobby was presumably very much established before you had kids.

But both husband and I have basically given up our respective hobbies since we had kids just for time reasons really. Rightly or wrongly everything is about them now rather than us and weekends and after schools are mostly spent ferrying them to and forth; between that there is some time for family stuff and some time for doing not much at all but there's no real time for either of us to do hobbies that we used to enjoy quite a lot. Just the way it is IMO. I also run for a hobby which is a bit easier because that can be fitted in as and when rather than at a set time and doesn't really take that long anyway.

Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 23:07

Our lie ins are till 9:30am. Which is amazing given that we're up at 5am most days. It gives us both a chance to catch up from the week. So he's up at 9:30, showers, shaves, gets football stuff ready, eats, plays with the girls a bit then is out of the house by 12. Home around 5/6. If it's closer to 5 he might see them for a little bit, 6pm they're in bed.

OP posts:
ChildminderMum · 03/08/2019 23:12

YANBU. I wouldn't accept this.

Point out to him that if you divorce he will have to quite football every other weekend to have contact with the children.

If he absolutely can't give up the football, then I would say he needs to give up his Saturday lie-in so he can spend more time with the kids. He could take them both swimming first thing on a Saturday morning or something.
He also needs to step down from any additional responsibilities like being the captain so he can be out at football for as little time as possible.