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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DHs hobby?

265 replies

flamingwok · 03/08/2019 18:43

I need opinions, please and thanks.

DH has played football for as long as I've known him (in fact since he was a small boy). We've been together 15 years and married for eight. We have a three, nearly four year old and a baby. I'm a sahm, he works Mon- Fri and is out of the house 7-7 each day.

He trains two evenings a week and is gone playing from lunchtime on a Saturday until 5/6pm. We take turns at a weekend to have a lie in one day each (as we're up at 5am each day with the children) and he has his on a Saturday so he's rested for his game so basically he's around for about 2/3 hours on a Saturday morning when the children are awake. He's club captain, the most experienced player at 36 years old. He always said when they children were a bit bigger he'd reassess how much he plays.

Our DD is getting to an age now where she's really starting to get really quite upset missing her Dad on a Saturday, especially bearing in mind she only sees him for a quick breakfast in the week each day she's in bed when he gets home. Also, we're looking to get her into some kids club type things at a weekend most of which run on an afternoon and most I can't take her to with a baby too.

I've spoken to DH and asked if he can maybe look at cutting down the Saturdays. The only family time we really have is on a Sunday, and I barely have any time to do anything actually myself if I want to. I've no problem with the weeknight evenings training, or him going running whenever he wants in the evenings as the children are in bed anyway so no hassle to me or them.

He has basically just said no. That I can just bring the children along if they miss him and that that's not how team sports work, he can't just do every second week for example (which I'd be happy with). That lots of his team mates (who are mostly in their mid to late twenties) have young families and that they just go to watch.

I was a child whose brother played football and I got dragged along to watch every Saturday. I was bored as hell. I also used to have to watch my Dad play rugby constantly as a young child - again, did not enjoy at all. His sister was also made to do this while they were growing up and always says how much she hated it. Plus I've taken my eldest before the baby came and it's really not that child friendly - lots of smoking on the edge of the pitch. Adults yelling and swearing while the kids hang around at knees or are stuck in buggies. His team mates might be happy with that for their children but I'm not. I also don't want to go myself I can't imagine anything more boring!

So I've asked if his club won't allow a fortnightly commitment could he look at a veterans team, which he's well old enough to join and who play less regularly and with less commitment. Again, it's a no for now. He's still apparently young and fit enough to play at this level so that's what he wants to do.

Also worth mentioning that he has another non sports related interest that he does probably once every two/three months that takes him away overnight or for a weekend. I have no problem with this.

I think he's being a selfish, uncompromising sod. He disagrees.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NeverOwnAHouse · 03/08/2019 18:50

YABU

He’s looking after himself and isn’t going to the gym every. single. day which IMO would be worse. If it keeps him fit, healthy and happy then I don’t see the problem. Just find your own hobby and ask if you can have 1-2 evenings a week doing that?

It won’t last forever, he is quite old for the sport so he won’t carry it on for much longer.

It’s not really his fault you find it boring, either. I go and watch the local football team every now and then, and everyone brings their kids - it seems to be a nice family activity for most...

NeverOwnAHouse · 03/08/2019 18:51

Also surely it’s not on all year round...? They have quite a big break in the summer don’t they? Not sure if it works the same as bigger football matches, but it’s not EVERY Saturday for 52 weeks is it?

ilovesooty · 03/08/2019 18:55

It won't be forever. You can't do a team sport like that 50% of the time.

SallyWD · 03/08/2019 18:55

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You sound quite laid back and relaxed compared to some partners. It's exhausting looking after a toddler and baby and you're doing the bulk of this. I don't if your fortnightly solution is the answer but he needs to look at how he can be more present in the family and give you a bit of a break from looking after both kids nearly all the time.

bimbodoc · 03/08/2019 18:56

Yes YABU, he works 12 hour days you get to do what you want all week. Give the lad a break and take the kids and watch him. Normalise exercise and commitment.

Benes · 03/08/2019 18:57

It could be all year round. My DH plays once a week and they only don't play if they don't have a full team.

I think it is a little excessive given he's out of the house such long hours during the week.

ilovesooty · 03/08/2019 19:00

You also have been fully aware of his commitment to the game which has been a lifelong one.

Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 19:01

This have a six week break in the summer then it's back on for preseason which is basically the same just friendlies at a weekend not league matches.

And I'm creasing up at 'getting to do what I want all week', yeah right! I have a preschooler and a baby how much 'getting to do what I want' do you think I do? HmmMy bottom rarely makes company with a chair!

OP posts:
Phineyj · 03/08/2019 19:03

Well, it's tough, isn't it? When you have kids you have to give up hobbies with big time commitments out of the house, at least temporarily. Wait, that's usually only women though, isn't it?

YANBU. You could not do anything similar and that's where the unfairness lies.

sallyedmondson · 03/08/2019 19:04

Bimbodoc
Op" gets what she wants to do all week"
Have you ever tried looking after small children?
Just asking.

AngryMum19 · 03/08/2019 19:09

@bimbodoc don't be such a twat!

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 03/08/2019 19:10

@bimbodoc did you mean to sound like such a twat with this:

Yes YABU, he works 12 hour days you get to do what you want all week

Do you actually have kids? And think the op, while looking after 3 pre school children including a baby gets to do what she wants all week? She's working at least as hard as her dh, and probably more given that she has them on her own for sat pm also (and probably a greater share if not all of night wakings).

Op YAB a bit U with your suggestion to play alternate Saturdays as that's not possible when you commit to a team. But YANBU to want him to be bit more present in family life, and to have some time for you too. Could he get home earlier a couple of nights a week from work (possibly but working later on other days) so he sees the kids in the evening? It wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him to cut down to one night training in the week rather than 2. What is his suggestion as to how he can be more involved?

Letthemysterybe · 03/08/2019 19:14

I’m very glad that my dh doesn’t have such a hobby. For me the weekends is family time. The weekends are never long enough as it is, I’d be really
Pissed off if my dh disappeared for
Half of it.

Tableclothing · 03/08/2019 19:18

I don't see why the DH should get more free time to himself than the DW does.

Inliverpool1 · 03/08/2019 19:20

To be blunt you’ll end up divorced if you stop his hobby. Of course he’ll stop if you insist and then you’ll be forever to blame

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/08/2019 19:21

YANBU. Some things aren’t compatible with being a good parent and not making enough time for your family both to spend together and so your partner has equal access to leisure time is one them.

Would it make a difference to you if he swapped his lie in day from Saturday to Sunday so he got a fair bit of time with your kids on Saturday before he headed off for the match? Still doesn’t give you any opportunity for time for yourself at the weekend, so if that’s a big part of your annoyance it wouldn’t work as a solution.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/08/2019 19:22

You must have known exactly what would happen as you have seen it as a child and you knew from when you met him this was something he loved and a very big part of what makes him who he is. No you cant just decide to play every other week. So enjoy your Sundays together as family time.

PooWillyBumBum · 03/08/2019 19:25

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I would feel so alone if that was my life. Things shouldn’t only change for one partner when you have kids, he is responsible for them too. If you took up such a time intensive hobby there would be no family time at all.

Lindormilk · 03/08/2019 19:25

YABVU. Let the poor bloke be. Take the kids to watch him play.

lastqueenofscotland · 03/08/2019 19:25

Any level above being a pub team you can’t just turn up as and when.
Also you knew this was part of his life when you married and decided to have children with him so I’m not sure what you thought would happen.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 03/08/2019 19:28

Crikey you are not being unreasonable at all OP! That is a lot of time away from the family and fortnightly instead of weekly sounds like a very fair compromise!

tashac89 · 03/08/2019 19:31

Oh please. It wasn't just OP that decided to have kids, he did too, and he is just as responsible for them. Some hobbies just aren't compatible with young kids, things change and mum isn't the only one that should have to deal with that.

lunaland · 03/08/2019 19:32

that's not how team sports work, he can't just do every second week for example

Parenting is also a team sport, you need to remind him of that.
Your family should be the most important team he's part of.

Zebraaa · 03/08/2019 19:32

YABVU. You can’t stop a person enjoying things in life because you don’t like it. It’ll make him resentful towards you.

If this situation was reversed everyone would be saying you’re allowed to do things of your own interests, time away from family for yourself etc.

Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 19:32

What I thought would happen is, as he said, once the children started getting older (and as he did too) then he'd reassess how much he played! DD is nearly four now, and really starting to be upset when he leaves on a Saturday. I distract her and do things with her but as she spends all her time with me all week except for the few hours that she goes to playgroup then I'm a bit of a poor substitute in her eyes!

I had a number of things that I see to do pre-children for fun that I no longer have time to do. That's life 🤷🏼‍♀️ things change when you have a family.

OP posts: