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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DHs hobby?

265 replies

flamingwok · 03/08/2019 18:43

I need opinions, please and thanks.

DH has played football for as long as I've known him (in fact since he was a small boy). We've been together 15 years and married for eight. We have a three, nearly four year old and a baby. I'm a sahm, he works Mon- Fri and is out of the house 7-7 each day.

He trains two evenings a week and is gone playing from lunchtime on a Saturday until 5/6pm. We take turns at a weekend to have a lie in one day each (as we're up at 5am each day with the children) and he has his on a Saturday so he's rested for his game so basically he's around for about 2/3 hours on a Saturday morning when the children are awake. He's club captain, the most experienced player at 36 years old. He always said when they children were a bit bigger he'd reassess how much he plays.

Our DD is getting to an age now where she's really starting to get really quite upset missing her Dad on a Saturday, especially bearing in mind she only sees him for a quick breakfast in the week each day she's in bed when he gets home. Also, we're looking to get her into some kids club type things at a weekend most of which run on an afternoon and most I can't take her to with a baby too.

I've spoken to DH and asked if he can maybe look at cutting down the Saturdays. The only family time we really have is on a Sunday, and I barely have any time to do anything actually myself if I want to. I've no problem with the weeknight evenings training, or him going running whenever he wants in the evenings as the children are in bed anyway so no hassle to me or them.

He has basically just said no. That I can just bring the children along if they miss him and that that's not how team sports work, he can't just do every second week for example (which I'd be happy with). That lots of his team mates (who are mostly in their mid to late twenties) have young families and that they just go to watch.

I was a child whose brother played football and I got dragged along to watch every Saturday. I was bored as hell. I also used to have to watch my Dad play rugby constantly as a young child - again, did not enjoy at all. His sister was also made to do this while they were growing up and always says how much she hated it. Plus I've taken my eldest before the baby came and it's really not that child friendly - lots of smoking on the edge of the pitch. Adults yelling and swearing while the kids hang around at knees or are stuck in buggies. His team mates might be happy with that for their children but I'm not. I also don't want to go myself I can't imagine anything more boring!

So I've asked if his club won't allow a fortnightly commitment could he look at a veterans team, which he's well old enough to join and who play less regularly and with less commitment. Again, it's a no for now. He's still apparently young and fit enough to play at this level so that's what he wants to do.

Also worth mentioning that he has another non sports related interest that he does probably once every two/three months that takes him away overnight or for a weekend. I have no problem with this.

I think he's being a selfish, uncompromising sod. He disagrees.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 03/08/2019 21:20

Forget family day Sundays. Find a hobby on Sundays and leave the children with him. Enjoy your time just as he does every Saturday!

MaisieTheCat · 03/08/2019 21:21

@Lindormilk
But as you don’t seem to understand, I’ll explain - I feel sorry for your kids who only saw their dad 1.5 days a week as I believe children should have quality time with both parents and 1.5 days simply isn’t enough. But every person is different, every family as different, and hearing about different ways of prentjnf is what makes mumsnet so interesting

BuggersMuddle · 03/08/2019 21:21

If the captaincy is extending the hours he needs to be out on a Sat, surely he could hand that over?

MaisieTheCat · 03/08/2019 21:21

That was meant to be ‘parenting!’

lunaland · 03/08/2019 21:21

Tell him if you get divorced then he'll be expected to have the kids at least every other weekend. If not every weekend. Will he still be able to do his football then? Nope he will not. Or at least it will be down to every other weekend, which you have suggested anyway.
He sees his kids less now than a divorced dad would. That's not on.

Gooseysgirl · 03/08/2019 21:22

YANBU... he is being a dick. He surely has a vice-captain? Delegate set up to vice-captain! Arrive in time for warm up (20-30 mins?), play match (90+15), post match shower, change and one drink (45 mins) = 3hrs tops. They can do all their post match analysis, tactical shite on week nights

OooErMissus · 03/08/2019 21:22

If the captaincy is extending the hours he needs to be out on a Sat, surely he could hand that over?

Obvious solution - but he clearly does not want to.

So he won't.

Phineyj · 03/08/2019 21:22

AxCap that sounds like an entirely reasonable solution.

Smiler88 · 03/08/2019 21:23

YANBU. Im really shocked at some peoples replies to you OP. Raising small children is harder, and much more exhausting than working. If you want him to be an adult and take responsibility for the children he has produced, there should be no guilt in that. He doesnt get to play sport 3 times a week? Boo hoo. He can play a social league one or two evenings a week when it doesnt impact your time. You deserve time off too and he needs to muck in instead of throwing his toys out of the pram. Dont cave OP!

Lindormilk · 03/08/2019 21:24

Pity whom exactly? My kids? They are absolutely fine and all play football to a high standard. Before their season starts we watch the local team pkay so goingbthere to the swearing etc hasn’t tarnished them.

So OP needs to leave the house each Sunday and every one can be happy.

beaneyes · 03/08/2019 21:25

Until you bugger off for as much time as he does --- he isn't going to change anything beyond a TOKEN GESTURE.

He's really got it all hasn't he?

You've given up your job and he can't even give up being footy captain???

What a joke.

Jupiter13 · 03/08/2019 21:26

Fell asleep reading that...good luck anyway.

Stardustmoon · 03/08/2019 21:26

YANBU you poor thing. When is your time? When do you get a child free day? Do you have any hobbies? I think that is so much commitment and he clearly isn't thinking about the children. If he has other hobbies too then I think you need to book your self into some Saturday things !

Beelzebop · 03/08/2019 21:27

Hi op. I have been a cricket widow I feel your pain. He doesn't need to be there that long. And there is really no reason for him to stay until the pub closes. This is not fair, I would suggest he either steps down as Captain or starts using WhatsApp to organise his team. I shouldn't have put up with the same situation as it will continue as long as he can manage it. Once he can't play, he will start coaching or managing. You need to work out what your response is if he carries on, but you need to try again.

Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 21:28

@MaisieTheCat Actually you know he's not ok with it. He's constantly trying to leave work earlier to get home for bedtime (rarely happens, even if he does get out at 5 he then normally gets stuck in rush hour he actually gets home far quicker if he stays later). He leaves later than is ideal in the mornings so he can do breakfast. He does all the feeding, changing, bathing when he is here. He takes DD swimming on Sundays and the baby to the swings. I would happily do all the night wakings (they are few anyway) but it's usually the eldest who wakes for the toilet and she wants Daddy so he gets up and does it without complaint before cuddling her and putting her back to bed. He asks me to send pictures and videos through the day because he misses them and rings us at lunchtime most days. He genuinely adores and dotes on them. Im probably making him sound like a horrible Dad and he isn't. When he's here he's as hands on as can be. As I say, the training is no issue it doesn't affect time spent with the girls.

But Saturdays he could change, if he was minded to. But he doesn't want to and I can't get my head around it.

As for the mental load. He keeps on top of the garden, sorting the various insurances, and energy suppliers (switching and meter readings etc). I do all birthdays, doctors/hospital/dental appointments, all preschool stuff, keeping the children in decently fitting clothes, 90% of the cooking, shopping and house cleaning. Bill paying is all direct debit so no work there.

OP posts:
tinkerbellla · 03/08/2019 21:29

YANBU at all. My husband goes to the gym every day as he always has, however he goes at 5am to make sure he's able to take our toddler to nursery and be around for her.

I've never asked him to do this, he does it because he wants to. If it interfered he'd give it up because spending time with his daughter is more important.

It's really up to your husband to decide what his priorities are. Obviously it's great to have our own hobbies and both of you should but life changes with children and being flexible is really important. I hope he works out what matters and finds a balance. You don't get this time back xx

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 03/08/2019 21:30

I'm getting really fucked off reading this, and especial out at all the comments along this lines of "you knew this was his hobby when you married him and had his children, you're very unreasonable to expect that to change"

So, you reckon the op just herded children before meeting her dh do you, with no life or interests beyond that? If course she fucking didn't. She had career and almost certainly other interests, whatever they were.

Her life has changed beyond recognition. Just because he has a penis and is the bread winner why should his life stay exactly the same? They're his children too, and when he's not at work they're just as much his responsibility as the op.

tinkerbellla · 03/08/2019 21:35

I can't believe how many people think you should just 'let him be'. They'll be telling you to wash his football kit next 😮

OooErMissus · 03/08/2019 21:35

Couldn't agree more, Charlotte - it's so infuriating.

It doesn't have to be like this, either.

I pray my DD ends up with someone like her Dad, and not one of the sons being raised by some of the utter enablers on here.

Each2TheirOwn · 03/08/2019 21:38

He's being very selfish. He has a family, that means making sacrifices. I don't see why he should get to live the life of a single man when you have to carry the can. You are entitled to have a hobby or take some time for yourself too and your children deserve to have a present father in their lives, not a man that they see for 10 minutes each morning and for 1 full day a week.

He isn't doing you, your children, or in the long run, himself any favours.

I see a PP said that if you stop him then your marriage will end in divorce as he will blame you. What about you?! If you don't try to make him see what he's missing out on and how his selfishness is effecting you and your children then you will end up resenting him (and so might the kids).

Original poster
flamingwok · 03/08/2019 21:38

@tinkerbellla Not a chance! I've no idea who washes the kit but it certainly isn't me and nor will it ever be!

My mother used to wash the entire rugby teams kit when my dad used to play on the eighties. 3 of the wives took turns. Jesus wept, no way!

OP posts:
Underworld345 · 03/08/2019 21:38

My DH is the same. Football a couple of evenings a week (after DS in bed) and plays cricket all Saturday afternoon.

I don’t really mind it. They’re his hobbies. We get to spend time as a family on a Saturday morning and a Sunday but DH does see DS every day for an hour or two before bed.

He honestly sounds like a really great dad. Maybe he just can’t let go of this hobby? Maybe it keeps him sane?

Ragwort · 03/08/2019 21:40

Agree with the PP who said you need to forget 'family time' (hate that expression) on Sundays and make that your time. Keep up your own interests and hobbies, it's so important. My DH has always kept up his sporting & captaincy commitments & I am glad he has, now in his late 50s he is much healthier & fitter than many of his contemporaries & has a great bond with DS (just spent the last 3 days at the Ashes). My DF also plays sports, even at nearly 90, it gives him an interest and gets him out and about, being active and making friends.

Your DC will soon be older & have their own hobbies & interests & having a parent who is into sport & keeping fit is a great role model.

tinkerbellla · 03/08/2019 21:41

Ha ha thank god OP! Xx

Leeds2 · 03/08/2019 21:43

Your DH IBU, but I very much doubt he is going to change until he is too old to play for his team.
So, I would find an activity for DD to do on a Saturday morning, or afternoon, and go with her. Take the baby. If possible, find one that is early enough that DH could take her before setting off for football - he would of course have to forego his lie in.
Could you leave him with both DC on Sunday whilst you go and do something that you want to do. Even if it is just sitting in Costa with a coffee! Not necessarily every week, not necessarily for very long, but just something to give you a break.