About DHs hobby?

[flamingwok]

I need opinions, please and thanks.

DH has played football for as long as I've known him (in fact since he was a small boy). We've been together 15 years and married for eight. We have a three, nearly four year old and a baby. I'm a sahm, he works Mon- Fri and is out of the house 7-7 each day.

He trains two evenings a week and is gone playing from lunchtime on a Saturday until 5/6pm. We take turns at a weekend to have a lie in one day each (as we're up at 5am each day with the children) and he has his on a Saturday so he's rested for his game so basically he's around for about 2/3 hours on a Saturday morning when the children are awake. He's club captain, the most experienced player at 36 years old. He always said when they children were a bit bigger he'd reassess how much he plays.

Our DD is getting to an age now where she's really starting to get really quite upset missing her Dad on a Saturday, especially bearing in mind she only sees him for a quick breakfast in the week each day she's in bed when he gets home. Also, we're looking to get her into some kids club type things at a weekend most of which run on an afternoon and most I can't take her to with a baby too.

I've spoken to DH and asked if he can maybe look at cutting down the Saturdays. The only family time we really have is on a Sunday, and I barely have any time to do anything actually myself if I want to. I've no problem with the weeknight evenings training, or him going running whenever he wants in the evenings as the children are in bed anyway so no hassle to me or them.

He has basically just said no. That I can just bring the children along if they miss him and that that's not how team sports work, he can't just do every second week for example (which I'd be happy with). That lots of his team mates (who are mostly in their mid to late twenties) have young families and that they just go to watch.

I was a child whose brother played football and I got dragged along to watch every Saturday. I was bored as hell. I also used to have to watch my Dad play rugby constantly as a young child - again, did not enjoy at all. His sister was also made to do this while they were growing up and always says how much she hated it. Plus I've taken my eldest before the baby came and it's really not that child friendly - lots of smoking on the edge of the pitch. Adults yelling and swearing while the kids hang around at knees or are stuck in buggies. His team mates might be happy with that for their children but I'm not. I also don't want to go myself I can't imagine anything more boring!

So I've asked if his club won't allow a fortnightly commitment could he look at a veterans team, which he's well old enough to join and who play less regularly and with less commitment. Again, it's a no for now. He's still apparently young and fit enough to play at this level so that's what he wants to do.

Also worth mentioning that he has another non sports related interest that he does probably once every two/three months that takes him away overnight or for a weekend. I have no problem with this.

I think he's being a selfish, uncompromising sod. He disagrees.

AIBU?

@Lindormilk. so sexist!
And I could be a man for all you know.

@Lindormilk I agree. This is what puts me off having children. The view that your whole personality and interests should come to an end.

Jeez, poor kids - they barely see their dad, that's miserable

Does he not want to see them more?

YANBU. It is annoying to not have as many hours in the weekend as you’d like to fit in hobby time and family time, of course it is. But something has to give and it shouldn’t be his children.

Why is he out for 6 hours? Football is 90 minutes. Every other week is a home game surely?

Compromise is no more drinking and socialising, just playing, and he either has a lie in or he plays football, he needs to be up by 8am if he is going out.

When you become a parent you're still the person you were.

This just isn’t true ! I have a toddler and a baby and I barely have time to go for a piss some days ... having kids changes every aspect of your life. Man or woman. And when they are little hobbies should be reduced.

@EL8888 - you get it.

Shopping = getting it delivered because taking two little ones is soul destroying or alternately having grandma over and me running out for an hour which frankly feels like a top notch spa day

Lunch with the girls = and with our assortment of children, usually actually a quick coffee at some sort of jungle gym type place. Delightful. We probably manage ten words to each other whilst herding the beasts

Daytime TV = What's that? Baby TV or Peter Rabbit here, when it's on

Tennis Club = Ha!

I do love the myth that sahms sit around drinking coffee and having their nails done all day whilst their children nicely amuse themselves. I realised yesterday that it was 2pm and all I'd had to eat or drink all day was a coffee at breakfast time which I drank half cold. I'm not complaining, it's my life and I chose it and I wouldn't change it. I do love it. But it's damn hard work. I worked full time in a senior position in a decent career before having children. It's an amazing privilege to be able to stay at home.

I've done the career thing, done the working all hours to meet deadlines thing, done the being responsible for other people's jobs thing. That's bloody hard too, and it's complex in a way that being at home with small children isn't. I however, personally, find being at home more exhausting than working full time.

I wouldn’t like this OP. Weekends can be tough with young dc even more so when you’re juggling them on your own Saturday afternoons.

Lindermilk - you didn't get my point (I hope) - why should SHE adjust and not him?
Zebraa - feel free not to have children, the world is overpopulated as it is.
I still have hobbies (various sports mainly and piano) and so does DH (cricket and archery and drums) but we do it at level that is appropriate with our commitments to our 3 children.

@trilbydoll He's the team captain. So he's there for set up, warm up, game, then team talk/ strategising after showers etc then food and drinks afterwards at the clubhouse. He only has one pint because he drives so no heavy drinking for him but he stays until most of the team are ready to leave.

YANBU. At all. Unless I’ve misunderstood, he parents for 1.5 DAYS A WEEK. I’m amazed he’s ok with that. Does he not miss his kids? Out of interest, does he do any of the mental load or is it also you keeping on top of bills / family birthdays / preschool admin etc?

OP I think you sound very nice and reasonable but you need to put your foot down here. You have given up your career, presumably your own interests and hobby’s, and with 3 preschool kids quite frankly your body for the last 5 years and what has he given up? 1.5 DAYS A WEEK. You both made the decision to have children. I am constantly on my own with 2 and I find it much more exhausting than my job. You’re a hero, OP.

Mumsnet is the worst place to come for advice on men's hobbies, because the absolutely enablers - those who think women's needs must be subsumed in the name of men's - come out in force, and they make you seem unreasonable to expect your husband to actually co-parent.

YANBU.

I suggest you just put it to him that this isn't working, if you were to take equal time out (evenings + X hours over the weekend),
it would be completely untenable for your family.

So - how about he comes up with a solution and way forward.

You tried, and he didn't like your ideas. So now it's his turn to come up with some bright ideas.

@Shazafied Ah, but when you do get time for a piss do you get to go on your own? Because if so you're living the life of riley my friend!

*When you become a parent you're still the person you were.

This just isn’t true !*

I completely agree. It’s not true. Something has to give if you are going to put your children first, as you should do. And we should stop peddling this to mothers, we should be frank that you simply cannot be the same person when you have small dependents.

My kids have grown into great kids (17-11) having had that dad who was a player-manager for a local team when eldest was a baby. He didn’t stop, why should he? I was with him knowing full well that football was his hobby. No need to change anything. He stopped when he broke his arm and my youngest was 3 then.

It sound like the older kid has separation anxiety not the baby.

He does feel bad when she does that I know he does. But not bad enough to change things evidently.

I bet he feels bad. Bad enough that it speeds him out the door even faster to get away from it / the guilt. What does it matter if she feels bad? You're there to deal with it.

DH has similar commitments and it's not a problem but I think the key difference was that he deliberately looked for a team that plays Saturday mornings rather than afternoons so it doesn't cut in to our time as much. He also picked a local league that only plays games within 30min radius so no travelling to away games. He gets up with DC on Saturday at 7ish, leaves at 840 and is back before 1230 giving us the rest of the day. Is something like that possible?

Also, DC1 is 4 and I just take him to classes ie swimming with DC2 (14 months) just tagging along. Some of the classes like football I just drop him in to so it doesn't matter that DC2 is there also. Are there classes like this available so DD1 can take part?

@OooErMissus all of this

Fine he can criticise your solutions. He can then come up with some better ones

I’m waiting for the “you should be grateful he lets you be a SAHM” brigade to rock up!

@lindormilk
But you can’t use your personal anecdote unless your situations are EXACTLY the same. Otherwise, it’s just your personal anecdote and means nothing. So did your DH do just 1.5 days of parenting until your oldest was 9? If so, I feel sorry for your family.

No need to feel sorry. Why would you?🤔 no ones died.

It sound like the older kid has separation anxiety not the baby.

Yes, a three year old who only sees her Dad a few hours a week probably does have some separation anxiety.

Isn't this understandable? She's three. He's her Dad. And more of a priority to respond to than football - at least temporarily...?!

@Lindormilk My eldest does not have separation anxiety 🙄 She's a little girl who misses her Dad. I'm glad you feel comfortable taking the piss out of that though, what a lovely person you are.

@Lindormilk that made me laugh

Well, there's an obvious solution then. He stops being team captain. You know, like a lot of women end up stopping being managers post children. Although that involves earning less, having lower pension etc. Not just minor loss of face.

This thread is making me annoyed on your behalf, OP. Why are expectations of men so low? Aargh!

No need to feel sorry.

I am definitely feeling pity.

Jeez. Just because you're happy to live life in such a way, no need to push it on other people, in order to make yourself feel better.