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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family asking to stay in our home when we are away.

437 replies

LoveGigi · 02/08/2019 17:13

Okay please give me it straight!

AIBU

We are heading off on holiday for 2 weeks on Tuesday and my in laws have kindly agreed to house sit and look after our 2 indoor cats.

About 3 weeks ago one of my SILs messaged me asking if we would mind her, DH and DS could also come to stay whilst we are away. In said msg she also asked if we would like them to come down immediately prior to us leaving so we could all spend some quality time together. This I felt was disingenuous as she hasn’t visited us for 5 years and I think the comment was shoved in there to mask the fact that she is using us.

I seethed for 2 days and replied saying that they could stay whilst we were away but we were too busy to see them before we left. I chose to fester bitterly instead of dealing with the guilt I would feel for saying no.

Then today the other SIL has asked to come and stay whilst we are away it would be her and her three DCs!! That is a total of 9 people staying whilst we are on holiday. I again feel used as they also have not bothered to come and visit in countless years!!

This wing of the family all live within 10 mins of each other and we are miles away in the capitol.

I feel totally resentful as I feel I can’t say no without suffering years of disdain!

I am a working mother of 3 DCs and the effort it takes to pack to get the family out the door for the holiday is enough without the stress of sorting out the house for 9 guests!!

I also am being mega precious about my new bedroom which I’ve only just moved into so I really don’t want anyone staying in my new bed!!!

Go on, am I being chuffing unreasonable??

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/08/2019 19:56

Go on Trusted Housesitters, OP. Lots of people apply for London listings! You’ll find someone by tomorrow.

Winterlife · 02/08/2019 19:57

Or SILs realized PIL would be there, and invited themselves.

It’s tricky for OP, as it’s husband’s family. Disinviting PIL would probably cause major issues.

Sweetpea55 · 02/08/2019 19:57

Book the cats into cattery and take the keys back from the in laws.

Alwaysgrey · 02/08/2019 20:02

I’d maybe accept the in-laws but I’d go back to the SILs and give them a hard no. You have every right to say no. I’d also drop into PIL that you’ve put cameras in to monitor the cats as they’re a little out of sorts. It’s really cheeky. My BiL was a bit like this. He’d only visit his annoying mother to borrow her car and go off and do his hobby (he lived in a city with great transport links so didn’t need a car). He was also a cheeky fucker. Thankfully he’s one I don’t ever see now.

Give them a no. Big shit if they don’t like it.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/08/2019 20:02

Actually if I were in the PILs' position - and much though I love my grandchildren - I'd be quite miffed if my planned quiet London house sitting with sedate outings were to turn into a 9-person madhouse with large numbers of kids to entertain in a smallish space. If they are as nice as you believe they may also feel terribly responsible for anything that might go wrong. So do them a favour as well, by cancelling the 7 interlopers!

learieonthewildmoor · 02/08/2019 20:05

My cats would be distraught if 9 people showed up to stay and we weren’t there.

Send the “second thoughts” email.

boosterrooster · 02/08/2019 20:06

I really feel for you OP. That would be my worst nightmare.

And your SIL's half arsed invitation - puke!! That would boil my blood more than anything!!

Lock your newly decorated room and your own bedroom if you don't want them there. F them. And hide all of your personal items, paperwork etc anything you don't want them rooting through in one of those rooms. Then you're 2 rooms down so there might not be enough room for everyone to stay at the same time?? And you might feel more comfortable knowing that they don't have access to the entire house.

Hope you can still enjoy your holiday!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/08/2019 20:08

Definitely no. Make other arrangements for your cats. The thought of them being accidentally let out with nine people coming and going would ruin my holiday.

PickAChew · 02/08/2019 20:11

Just tell them it's getting bloody ridiculous. It's your house, not an air bnb

SaxxedtotheMax · 02/08/2019 20:13

No way.

Cancel it OP & put the cats in a nice cattery.

Dotty1970 · 02/08/2019 20:16

Don't do it, it may ruin your holiday I'm sure.
Stop being a door mat seriously say no to them all apart from the pil, hopefully the pil won't be offended if the others don't stay and it wasn't them that invited them all?

So if they do kick up a fuss when you say no and you fall out, what's going to happen?
What will they say when people ask "why are you and your 'sil' not speaking" they will say "oh it's because she wouldn't let 9 of us stay for free in her home whilst they were on holiday".... Who would look the dick then.
Say noFlowers

Chakano · 02/08/2019 20:20

They want to come and nose at your new gaff Grin The kids will wreck the place as it isn't theirs. The parents will do nothing as they are on holiday, and pil won't be able to stop them or intervene.
Just tell them no, do a good lock up and get keys off pil.( I refused to give keys to any family)
Get your dh to tell them, better still.

MzHz · 02/08/2019 20:20

Do t let them use you/your house

You’re not happy with them all there, they will take the piss etc, just send the “on second thoughts” email now and get it over and done with

SugarPlumLairy2 · 02/08/2019 20:30

CBT do it. You will regret it. Your cats will regret it.
You KNOW they will ve in your loft, all over everything, probably h@HappyNOTdrivingThere will be “accidents”, and then YOU will be the bad guy for being “precious” that your cats escaped. Things got damaged, loft was used for kids, etc. Etc. Etc.

It is not too late to ring around and find a house sitter. Your in laws are CFs.

TheGrapefulDread · 02/08/2019 20:31

I ask for the sheets to be left by machine as I like them washed at 60 degrees. I have a 10kg machine I don’t want them all rocketed through on a 20 minute speed wash - we have established a base line CF-erage level.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 02/08/2019 20:32

Oh just to add.. if you use community pages in FB there is always someone e who can come in feed the cats/change litter etc. Usually with references etc. Seriously DONT use your ILs.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 02/08/2019 20:32

Look, the SILs don’t need to stay to catch up with their parents as they already live close. I suspect the PIL would prefer to be alone anyway, otherwise they will end up picking up after everyone.

This is going to be very stressful for the cats, all those people, it’s not fair, you need to backtrack and say no, to all but mum and dad.

These sisters are using your house as a free holiday in London,

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/08/2019 20:33

I see your PIL have booked things to do so you don't want to cancel on them.

Looking at it from their point of view, it's going to be a bit isolating staying in your house away from their own home and belongings for two weeks. In your position I'd have realised this and wouldn't have asked them to begin with. However that doesn't solve the current dilemma.

Your DH needs to address this with his siblings.

"You caught us on the hop a bit asking to stay! Having thought about it we'd rather not have the house occupied while we aren't there. Too many people, not fair on the cats. Let's fix something up for when we get back!"

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 20:37

If you were close, & always round each others' houses, I'm sure you'd feel more relaxed about it. But you're not, & you are now being emotionally blackmailed by CF's who are happy to come to your house ... only not while you are in it!

I feel totally resentful as I feel I can’t say no without suffering years of disdain!

Then your choices are to either suffer in silence (more uncomfortable seething, I am sorry!), or to change the entire deal - because otherwise you are saying Yes to one section of the family, but No to another & that WILL be picked up on, dissected & no doubt served back up to you on a sour little plate.

So the other option is -

  1. Book a cattery
  2. Tell PiLs thanks SO much but we've been recommended to a great cattery so won't need to impose on you for help while we are away
  3. Then email all parties "change of plan - PiLs no longer needing to stay so there won't be a family get-together at ours while we are abroad. But we would LOVE to host you all together when we are back home! What dates has everyone got free in September?"

That way, you don't have to allow entitled CF's unsupervised access to your home, you are not singling anyone out as being especially unwelcome, & you ARE making a point about how you would like to see then when you are there, but not without you.

If any of them have half the brains they were born with they should also be able to work out that you are a little pissed off that they only want to come & "see you" when you are - ahem! not fucking there!

Boundaries raised, job done, & without even having to rage at them for being such rude, arrogant bitches that they feel it's ok to ignore invitations to visit for 5 years, but pounce on a free ride in your home as soon as you're not in it.

Horrible situation OP. You must not allow yourself to be imposed upon, or they will trample you.

longtimelurkerhelen · 02/08/2019 20:40

If you let them stay please get your cats microchipped before you go, just in case they get out. It's not expensive.

steppyh · 02/08/2019 20:44

No no and no. Am I the only one that does a massive deep clean before going on holiday?! I couldn't stand the thought of coming home with a pile of washing and then god knows how many bed sheets to wash also because I had unwanted guests staying.

Incredibly cheeky of them all....if they haven't bothered to see you in years then I very much doubt they would have any respect for your home.

Just no.

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 20:44

although I now feel I prefer @Nousernameforme's brilliant option:
alternatively you could be honest and assertive and say bit put out that they haven’t bothered to see you in years but happy to pile into your house when away

Depends on what the fallout would be, but as some of them haven't bothered with you in 5 years, would you be any worse off?

NoWayDidISayThat · 02/08/2019 20:45

At the very least get them to bring their own bedding.

sonjadog · 02/08/2019 20:48

Unlike everyone else (or just about), this wouldn't particularly bother me and people have stayed in my house when I have been away many times. However, it is an entirely personal choice and if you don't want to, that is reason enough not to. If you do let them come anyway, put a lock on the door to the loft. Otherwise they will use it. With so many people in the house, there is no way they will leave it untouched just because you say so.

timeisnotaline · 02/08/2019 20:49

I’d do the on second thoughts - id play it to pil as I’m so stressed about my cats, the whole point is looking after them and frankly I don’t trust all those people to keep doors closed etc- id never forgive them if they lost my cats which would be terrible for family relationships, but a completely fair response! Plus dh is just so hurt that they never visit us and want to visit the instant were gone, I think we should cancel everyone or we won’t be able to enjoy our holiday - id just sit there watching our ring doorbell to make sure the cats hadn’t gone out! Oh didn’t you know- we have this new wireless doorbell ,
It movement activates and it alerts you on your phone when anyone comes or goes, it’s so cool. I almost can’t wait till the next parcel company lies to me about attempted delivery when I’m sat at home and I can say my doorbell shows no delivery attempts.