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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family asking to stay in our home when we are away.

437 replies

LoveGigi · 02/08/2019 17:13

Okay please give me it straight!

AIBU

We are heading off on holiday for 2 weeks on Tuesday and my in laws have kindly agreed to house sit and look after our 2 indoor cats.

About 3 weeks ago one of my SILs messaged me asking if we would mind her, DH and DS could also come to stay whilst we are away. In said msg she also asked if we would like them to come down immediately prior to us leaving so we could all spend some quality time together. This I felt was disingenuous as she hasn’t visited us for 5 years and I think the comment was shoved in there to mask the fact that she is using us.

I seethed for 2 days and replied saying that they could stay whilst we were away but we were too busy to see them before we left. I chose to fester bitterly instead of dealing with the guilt I would feel for saying no.

Then today the other SIL has asked to come and stay whilst we are away it would be her and her three DCs!! That is a total of 9 people staying whilst we are on holiday. I again feel used as they also have not bothered to come and visit in countless years!!

This wing of the family all live within 10 mins of each other and we are miles away in the capitol.

I feel totally resentful as I feel I can’t say no without suffering years of disdain!

I am a working mother of 3 DCs and the effort it takes to pack to get the family out the door for the holiday is enough without the stress of sorting out the house for 9 guests!!

I also am being mega precious about my new bedroom which I’ve only just moved into so I really don’t want anyone staying in my new bed!!!

Go on, am I being chuffing unreasonable??

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 02/08/2019 19:17

I would definitely cancel at least the SILs. You could simply say that you are worried about so many people increasing the chances of the cats being let out accidentally. Do it soon before they start booking things.

Esspee · 02/08/2019 19:18

No no no. Don't allow it. If you must then keep the arrangement as it was originally. (Though to be honest I suspect your in laws are complicit)
You will not enjoy your holiday otherwise.

fraxion · 02/08/2019 19:18

After reading all your replies I am seriously thinking about doing an “on second thoughts” message and reverting to PILs.

Absolutely do this. I wouldn't be able to enjoy my holiday for worrying about my cats and a whole load of people living in my house.

Alb1 · 02/08/2019 19:22

I’d just say sorry but one of the cats has been a little ill/out of sorts and you feel it’s too much disruption having 3 different sets of people without you there, and that they can visit another time when you are home. This would be my genuine answer if it was me, one of my cats would spend the whole time hiding as he doesn’t like disruption so I wouldn’t want to inflict it on him. Your in laws are so cheeky!

TheGrapefulDread · 02/08/2019 19:22

Lock on bedroom door, sheet pile left on bed for them to make, make sure your insurance has accidental damage cover, place all personal paperwork, work bags, computers, and bathroom type expensive lotions and potions, medications and irreplaceable sentimental items behind your looked door. Do a video walk through of each room before you go to avoid arguments about stuff - and your DH asking are you sure ? Ask for them to strip beds and place by washing machine before leaving. If you have double linen also put spares in your room in case you are delayed etc or sleeping bags for kids if no double linen. Just takes the edge off return travel. Do you have credit card on file for sky tv etc Clear all your Alexa voice files if its relevant Grin

Teacher22 · 02/08/2019 19:23

I agree with the other posters who advise putting the cats in a cattery and just saying no. You might get some miffy sulks for a while but it won’t last.

If you don’t you will spend the whole holiday panicking about your house being trashed and being angry with the CF ery of it all.

yikesanddang · 02/08/2019 19:23

Put a lock on your new bedroom. I fear that whatever you say, everyone is just going to come and stay anyway and will definitley use your room if they can access it,

yellowsubmarines · 02/08/2019 19:23

I don't know how you could possibly relax on a holiday knowing 9 people are staying in your house and they will use your new room. Your cats will not like having all those people around and are your PIL used to clearing up after 9 people and 2 cats whilst they are busy with their (potentially exhausting) day's out in London?

If your cats get outside, which seems likely, will your in laws realise/go search for cats? If your cats don't have up to date injections that could be very problematic if they get out.

Why is it that people 'don't want to cause upset' when they are clearly being taken advantage of by people who don't care about causing upset with them. Would any of your inlaws want 9 people staying in their houses whilst they were away? Are you meant to stock up with food/loo paper, etc for their visit? Do you have enough towels, dishes, flatware, etc for that many people?

Drum2018 · 02/08/2019 19:26

My cats don't need even come into the house when we have other kids over. How will your cat face out with kids running around your house - especially if it's an indoor cat and won't have an escape? Even if you send an email now to say no to the sil's, can you be certain your PILs won't let them stay regardless?

Drum2018 · 02/08/2019 19:27

'Fare out' not face out

TurnAroundWhenPossible · 02/08/2019 19:27

Sorry OP but your cats will be stressed and will probably be allowed to escape. It's awful that they never bother with you usually but now they all fancy a trip to London - while you are away!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/08/2019 19:30

NO!!! Tell the lot of them (including your in-laws, that you are going to make other arrangements for the cats. This is just ridiculous and very entitled of them. You won't enjoy a minute of your holiday if they are infesting your home.

I also suspect your house cats won't like it and that would be my excuse to cancel the whole lot of them and get a cat sitter / neighbour.

This is an excellent reason for not having a house full of Cheeky Fuckers - and has the benefit of being true. Apart from anything else, if there are children in and out, who's to say a door won't get left open and your cats get taken outside/ let outside? Indoor cats can panic outdoors and run off - it happened to the cat of a friend of ours and he never got the poor thing back. No idea what happened to it.

Or the kids may actually torment your cats - I'm not saying that they are nasty children, but that many children don't know how to behave around animals.

it looks like they are taking the opportunity to have a free family get together in your home - they may leave it in an awful state, but even if not, they will be using your utilities and they'll be upsetting your cats.

Honestly, it isn't worth it. Take the cats to a cattery where they will be miserable but safe - because they will be miserable and UNSAFE in their own home if this lot lands!

You will nt enjoy your holiday, and you'll never forgive yourself, or them, if something happens to your cats.

It may cause a family rift, but you hardly live in each other's pockets to start off with do you? Let them suck it up.

Pipandmum · 02/08/2019 19:30

You know they will stay in your new bedroom. No way are nine people going to stay in three bedrooms with one empty. Why doesn’t your husband, their relatives, deal with this?

Dutch1e · 02/08/2019 19:32

Definitely write your "on second thoughts" email.

Apart from your poor cats, your neighbours will be pissed off by the noise of 9 (?!) people, even careful ones, if you share a wall. My neighbours are lovely and I'd still warn them.

Peanutbuttericecream · 02/08/2019 19:35

I wouldn’t let them all stay, no fucking way!

Jezebel101 · 02/08/2019 19:35

I live beside the sea, overlooking a marina. I get this from quite a few people whenever anyone finds out I'm going away.

"Ha, I'm sorry but no. My house isn't really holiday let material and I'd feel odd not being there while people are staying"

Winterlife · 02/08/2019 19:39

Ask for them to strip beds and place by washing machine before leaving.

I'd be asking that they wash and fold the sheets, and place them on the beds. Why should I have to come home to loads of laundry?

Winterlife · 02/08/2019 19:39

^I mean place them on top of the beds - I'd be concerned, otherwise, that the sheets weren't changed.

IncrediblySadToo · 02/08/2019 19:41

If you trust your PIL to look after the cats and the house then just tell them that you’ve said you do NOT want both SIL’s and family there at the same time as your cars will be freaked out by so many people in the house at one time

Tell them that actually you’d prefer it was justbthem there, sonif they want to say no to the others you’d be happy with that.

As for your cats...I’d make sure they’d had injections before I went as the chances of them getting out are pretty high and on that basis alone I’d have said no to both SIL’s

choli · 02/08/2019 19:41

I suspect that your MIL has been issuing invitations like a teenager whose parents have gone on holidays and left her with a free house.

wichitalinemanswoman · 02/08/2019 19:46

You have to say no to this OP!

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2019 19:47

You are making a massive mistake of you don't put a stop to this. Just tell them you and your husband have had a rethink and aren't comfortable with so many people staying in your home when you're not there. It's madness that you agreed to this in the first place.

QuickThinkOfAName · 02/08/2019 19:51

I'm with choli.

I suspect pil have arranged this as a family get together using your pad as the rendezvous.

Does this sound likely?!

I would cancel them all ideally and find another car sitter. Get recommendations. Whereabouts roughly in London. I have many catty friends who could probably recommend someone

shiningstar2 · 02/08/2019 19:52

Wow ...the astonishing cheek of some people. Clearly the SILs fancy a London break with their families and the in laws without the expense of accommodation. As you say, when you are working and preparing for a holiday it takes u all your time to iron and pack on the maybe one full day you have off work before the holiday begins. No way could I leave my house a mess for other people to use and no way could I make it guest ready while getting ready for my holiday...and why should you? If you try to clean and tidy, sort beds, make sure the kitchen is pristine and prepare for a holiday, it will take you half the holiday to destress ...and then sitting on the plane wondering what you are coming back to ...then the washing from the holiday and back to work. I feel exhausted thinking about it op.

Also the original intention was to help you out by cat sitting. Won't it make the cats anxious/stressed to have so many extra people, most of them strangers, in the house. What if they escape?

I would be honest ...tell them this new arrangement is too stressful for you ...never mind if some people are always guest ready, or are very chilled about people 'taking us as they find us'. That is not me and if it isn't you say so. Also explain your worries about this arrangement and your cats and if at all possible just go for a cattery.

You wait all year for your holiday and it's supposed to be a break from normal life ...this arrangement seems more stressful than normal life. Be polite, be courteous, be friendly ....but don't do it. If they genuinely care about you it will blow over. If it doesn't ..what have you lost op ...just a load of freeloaders, excluding your PILs of course, and if they are as nice as you think the are they will understand.

Trendy1 · 02/08/2019 19:56

Can I come to your house to look after it? I have had many cats and all sorts of small furries. I will not nose about your stuff, eat all your food, sleep in every bed, produce loads of laundry, have disrespectful DC's charging about, damage stuff, frighten your cats to death, etc. etc.