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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family asking to stay in our home when we are away.

437 replies

LoveGigi · 02/08/2019 17:13

Okay please give me it straight!

AIBU

We are heading off on holiday for 2 weeks on Tuesday and my in laws have kindly agreed to house sit and look after our 2 indoor cats.

About 3 weeks ago one of my SILs messaged me asking if we would mind her, DH and DS could also come to stay whilst we are away. In said msg she also asked if we would like them to come down immediately prior to us leaving so we could all spend some quality time together. This I felt was disingenuous as she hasn’t visited us for 5 years and I think the comment was shoved in there to mask the fact that she is using us.

I seethed for 2 days and replied saying that they could stay whilst we were away but we were too busy to see them before we left. I chose to fester bitterly instead of dealing with the guilt I would feel for saying no.

Then today the other SIL has asked to come and stay whilst we are away it would be her and her three DCs!! That is a total of 9 people staying whilst we are on holiday. I again feel used as they also have not bothered to come and visit in countless years!!

This wing of the family all live within 10 mins of each other and we are miles away in the capitol.

I feel totally resentful as I feel I can’t say no without suffering years of disdain!

I am a working mother of 3 DCs and the effort it takes to pack to get the family out the door for the holiday is enough without the stress of sorting out the house for 9 guests!!

I also am being mega precious about my new bedroom which I’ve only just moved into so I really don’t want anyone staying in my new bed!!!

Go on, am I being chuffing unreasonable??

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 02/08/2019 20:56

Say no the cats would find it unsettling with loads of people around. Pretty sure that is plausible.

cordeliavorkosigan · 02/08/2019 20:58

As everyone else has said, either be honest or make something up (burst pipe, insurance, electric is off whatever).
I have DC that aren't used to pets and it is a huge risk when we stay with anyone with indoor pets as they are completely not used to keeping a pet indoors- it requires constant monitoring.
I don't think you'd still have your cats by the time you come home! Find a way to say no.
And -straining relations? why is their behaviour not straining relations?

NoTheresa · 02/08/2019 21:03

Don’t do it, OP. How dare they?😡

LightDrizzle · 02/08/2019 21:07

Yes, the cats are the perfect excuse. They are cheeky fuckers and it is unlikely the house be be unscathed with all the children staying there.
They are being very unreasonable.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/08/2019 21:09

YWBU to say yes to the first lot. I like the “on second thoughts” approach.

igotdemons · 02/08/2019 21:10

My main concern in your shoes would be for your cats’ welfare - do they cope well with strangers? I’d also be concerned about them accidentally being let outside. Have you also thought about the cost of your bills whilst you’re away? 9 people using your gas/electricity and water will add up somewhat. And in my experience, people using other people’s utilities means they’re not as thoughtful about how much they’re using... 🤔

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2019 21:12

Please cancel the extra visitors for the sake of your cats. They'll be out of sorts without you there anyway, so many strange people will be massively stressful for them, it could make them quite ill. Cats gets stressed easily and a non cat lover probably won't know how to deal with them.

I'm a cat lover and no way would i inflict this on them, it's their home, they need to feel safe.

IdblowJonSnow · 02/08/2019 21:15

Big no from me.
Cheeky fuckers!

CorBlimeyGovenor · 02/08/2019 21:19

They are all blatantly taking the piss!! They just all want to meet up for a holiday. You'd have to make all the beds up, tidy up etc. I would say how much you would love to see them for a catch up and how it would be a shame to miss them. Suggest a catch up atone of their houses when you get back. Put it back onto them. And also mention that a friend may also be staying for a night.

saraclara · 02/08/2019 21:31

Cancel both SILs as you've only just realised how stressed the cats will be and how likely they are to try and escape if in that state.

Yes. The last thing you want (or that your PILs would want) is for one of the cats to escape and be lost. And if the cats are stressed, they'll try to escape everyone. It's perfectly reasonable for that thought 'only just' to have occurred to you. So use that.

Dora26 · 02/08/2019 21:32

Cattery and tell them you have a rat infestation - who cares if they don’t believe you???

trickyex · 02/08/2019 21:39

Cattery/flea infestation. Or just change of heart, dont feel pressured.

Chunkers · 02/08/2019 21:41

Are you sure your PIL are onboard with this? They have a nice break organised and will now no doubt be lumbered with babysitting while the rest of them live it up?

You might want to get some feliway for your poor cats, it will be a noisy riot for them and they can’t escape.

Cocobean30 · 02/08/2019 21:55

You are insane if you allow this. Tell them no and stop ignoring your own feelings. There was a thread a few months ago in which family had stayed at a lady’s house while she was away. They trashed it and stole loads of stuff. I can’t believe you’ve even agreed to this? Tell them no and make sure none of them have keys

UniversalAunt · 02/08/2019 21:56

When are you going away ? Tuesday?

Ring tonight now or sparrows’ cough first thing tomorrow to tell them you have changed your mind - for all of them. Just changed your mind as they have all asked too much of you, you feel put upon & your home is being treated like a free hotel. That is it - the plain truth. Follow up with text &/or email to all so that they have the message clearly. Then block them.
They can suck that up.

If they want a debate, tell them you’ll discuss when you get back from hols.

Give your keys to no-one but your ILs - just one set.
Have them swear that they will not give access to any of the SiLs & their broods. Any evidence they have been there & there will be trouble.

Seriously, this is your home, your space & refuge from the world. No-one has the right to barge in or cadge a free city break from you.

If you are keen to be absolute & brave, find thee a cattery pronto & relieve the ILs of their duties. Board your chateau to repel the hordes of rellies who try to lay siege whilst you away.

Guilt, what guilt?
They’ll love or respect you NO more for letting them use your home.

UniversalAunt · 02/08/2019 21:58

Yeah, right...think of the cats with these hordes of strangers invading their space.
If you cannot do it for you & DH, then do it for the cats.

beaneyes · 02/08/2019 21:58

They've put you in a very uncomfortable position knowing full well they can get free accommodation...

Highly manipulative... I would decide all sorts of shit for them once they're there... like staying in all day 8-8 for phantom 'deliveries' ...

Cheeky cheeky fuckers. I would think less of them for doing this.

Swishswish26 · 02/08/2019 22:02

Personally I couldn’t think of anything worse than all these ‘guests’ rampaging through my house whilst I was on holiday.
I don’t know where in London you live but given that many hotels are upwards of £200 just for one night, my guess is they are on to a winner! I would cancel them immediately!

SeaToSki · 02/08/2019 22:10

Just how are they all going to fit?

Your bedroom is off limits - very understandable and please do put a new door knob on with a key lock before you go away

1 bedroom for the PILs assume it has a double bed

1 bedroom for SIL and husband, but cant think it has a double, so will one be on the bed and one on the floor?

1 bedroom for second SIL and no husband so single bed will work there

But then there are 4 dc or varying ages and sex to accomodate - in the sitting room or dining room on the floor or sofa

How in heavens would you have enough bedding, pillows, duvets, towels, air mattresses, plates, mugs, fridge space for food etc. If you jammed them all in everyone would be tripping over each others stuff, there would be no where to sit and chat, how will they all sit round a table to eat (they cant so some will be eating sitting on the sofa).

I cant imagine the mess and chaos. Things are bound to get broken spilt on or torn just from the mass of humanity.

And then there are your poor cats, they are gong to get trodden on, pushed out of their space, bothered by dc they dont know. I am not a cat person and I wouldnt do that to them.

I know you have put off second SIL, but even the first SIL is pushing her luck and I would worry that the second SIL will say she will visit the second week, but would just turn up the first week anyway as it will be more fun for her with extra grownups to help her with her 3 dc when she is on her own.

Jux · 02/08/2019 22:10

Put a lock on your new bedroom door. I know it's too late, sorry Sad

Have a great holiday, forget about this and just feel relaxed that your cats will be safe and well.

Straightalkinggal · 02/08/2019 22:11

Good god no, not in a million years, this is horrendous.

BlokeHereInPeace · 02/08/2019 22:16

Fuck that. Say the cats will be stressed, they are in a cattery, see you later. And anyway they are taking the piss out of you, free London holiday.

CSIblonde · 02/08/2019 22:17

Your house is not a holiday home. Cancel or this sets a precedent & it will be expected every time you go away. I'd go with pp's burst pipes, flea probs.

UniversalAunt · 02/08/2019 22:19

Have you a cat loving neighbour who would kindly pop once a day to sort out food & waters?

If you have a scintilla of evidence that PiLs may have encouraged SiLs to come to their new pop-up pied a terre, then I think you need to consider blowing the PiLs out as well.

If, as I think I have read since I last posted - skipped a page - that PiLs & SiLs live close to each other, I would wonder if PiLs have suggested a family city holiday & SiLs have been ‘polite’ in asking, but this is after the interfamilial handshake on the plan.

I think you need to be upfront, frank & clear with your PiLs about what you have decided. Pay careful attention to their responses when you tell them that only they are welcome & that you would not like to let them done by cancelling their visit as you know they have made plans.

Yes, they are kind to cat sit & you have been guests in their home, & I turn you are offering them they free city digs for a fortnight.
Reciprocal & fair.
Anything more is taking the piss.

UniversalAunt · 02/08/2019 22:22

Any cat loving MNetters nearby who would kindly pop in once a day?

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