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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family asking to stay in our home when we are away.

437 replies

LoveGigi · 02/08/2019 17:13

Okay please give me it straight!

AIBU

We are heading off on holiday for 2 weeks on Tuesday and my in laws have kindly agreed to house sit and look after our 2 indoor cats.

About 3 weeks ago one of my SILs messaged me asking if we would mind her, DH and DS could also come to stay whilst we are away. In said msg she also asked if we would like them to come down immediately prior to us leaving so we could all spend some quality time together. This I felt was disingenuous as she hasn’t visited us for 5 years and I think the comment was shoved in there to mask the fact that she is using us.

I seethed for 2 days and replied saying that they could stay whilst we were away but we were too busy to see them before we left. I chose to fester bitterly instead of dealing with the guilt I would feel for saying no.

Then today the other SIL has asked to come and stay whilst we are away it would be her and her three DCs!! That is a total of 9 people staying whilst we are on holiday. I again feel used as they also have not bothered to come and visit in countless years!!

This wing of the family all live within 10 mins of each other and we are miles away in the capitol.

I feel totally resentful as I feel I can’t say no without suffering years of disdain!

I am a working mother of 3 DCs and the effort it takes to pack to get the family out the door for the holiday is enough without the stress of sorting out the house for 9 guests!!

I also am being mega precious about my new bedroom which I’ve only just moved into so I really don’t want anyone staying in my new bed!!!

Go on, am I being chuffing unreasonable??

OP posts:
Chakano · 02/08/2019 18:53

If you say no, won't pil let them stay anyway?
You might not have any choice.

ShrodingersRat · 02/08/2019 18:54

I would say no to them all being there at the same time, and “sorry our bedroom is not available, it’s too New and shiny for us to want to share yet “ and put a lock on the door.

PIL are doing you a favour cat sitting, no bad thing for them to see other family members.

CoraPirbright · 02/08/2019 18:54

Barely disguised cheeky fuckery!! I would be utterly seething at this!!

ShrodingersRat · 02/08/2019 18:55

And you don’t need to leave it ‘ready’ just strip the beds, put wading in your laundry basket and leave a pile of clean sheets out. It’s staying at family’s house, not a hotel.

ShrodingersRat · 02/08/2019 18:57

“Guaranteed the bedroom lock will be broken”

Er, the OP has not indicated that the ILs are vandals and thugs, just CFs.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 02/08/2019 18:59

You are being so bloody unreasonable in even thinking about letting this happen OP....It is not fair on you or your husband.You have just had substantial works done on your home and havent even had chance to enjoy it yourself yet its ok to let the inlaws of various discriptions run amock whilst you are not there? Utter madness to even contemplate agreeing to this...You seriously need your head read to say yes to any of this....I echo all the other posters in saying no.Its your home not a bloody b and b ...ridiculous idea.NO NO NO....

PerkingFaintly · 02/08/2019 19:01

Never mind coming back to find duvets stolen, I remember the thread where someone came back to find a lot of their animals dead.SadAngry

They kept birds, and the family member had just made themselves at home in the house whenever they fancied and done bugger all re water and feeding the birds out the back.

LoveGigi, this isn't about what you want, it's about what your cats need.

Oh, and they don't care that you've said "not everyone at once." Mostly they'll ignore that, but if pressed they'll count the time one person was at the shops as "not everyone being there at once."

Original poster
LoveGigi · 02/08/2019 19:02

Just for clarity, I do see the SILs about twice a year but only when we go up there and we stay with PILs, the situation would never be reversed where we would need to ask to stay at theirs’.

Also as was mentioned above the cats are not up to date with vaccines as they are indoor cats so I’d need to sort that out before any cattery would take them. My only option would be a cat sitter but we are four days away from leaving, I think that’s too late.

After reading all your replies I am seriously thinking about doing an “on second thoughts” message and reverting to PILs.

PILs have booked lots of outings for their time in london, so I don’t want to cancel on them. I also do like my PIls and don’t want to piss then off.

OP posts:
MsJRMEsq · 02/08/2019 19:02

House insurance is often invalid if you have people staying in your house who aren't part of your immediate family.

Frouby · 02/08/2019 19:03

Just say no. Cancel the in laws, book a cattery. I am a massive animal lover sme and never understand why people don't just book their dogs/cats into kennels when they are away. They aren't doing their pets any favours, if they ever have to stay in the vets it will be a lot more stressful if they have never stayed away.

managedmis · 02/08/2019 19:04

Mexican House Thief syndrome

RandomMess · 02/08/2019 19:05

Cancel both SILs as you've only just realised how stressed the cats will be and how likely they are to try and escape if in that state.

Complete CF

cuppycakey · 02/08/2019 19:07

With all those DC, the cats are going to get out OP......

Are you really sure that PILS won't just let SILS stay anyway?

PancakeAndKeith · 02/08/2019 19:07

No no no.

WildfirePonie · 02/08/2019 19:08

What starfishmummy said.

Winterlife · 02/08/2019 19:08

Do you have anyone other than your inlaws who can look after the house?

It should be up to your husband to deal with this. What's his view?

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 02/08/2019 19:08

Yes, do an on second thoughts email.

Grow a backbone. You say your don't want to cause a rift... but is the cheeky fuckers who would be doing that, not you. All you need to do is to state firm boundaries. "Half given it some thought, we have decided that it's not possible for anybody other than PIL to stay in our house while we are away. Let's arrange a time for all of us to get together when we are back. Lots of love, us. Xx"

Any objections or questions, repeat "No sorry it's not possible. See you when we get back"

Ginger1982 · 02/08/2019 19:10

You should just have said no! What a nightmare! I would definitely say you've reconsidered.

ChildminderMum · 02/08/2019 19:11

I'd definitely have second thoughts due to the cats - lots of children in the house will stress them and they'll probably be let out.

PerkingFaintly · 02/08/2019 19:12

Add to your email: "We can use the pet/nanny cams in the house to keep an eye on the cats while MIL & PIL are out, so we know it'll all be fine."

Ie non-confrontational way of letting them know YOU WILL KNOW if they turn up...

Cocolapew · 02/08/2019 19:12

Good god just say no. Let the pils come as planned and tell the others no. You don't need to tell them a reason either.

oyoyoy · 02/08/2019 19:13

Never, never, never. My home is my sanctuary and I would hate so many people (or even one) noseying about while I wasn't there. Would they be happy returning the favour? Be assertive @LoveGigi. If it strains relations, then they weren't worth knowing in the first place.

QualCheckBot · 02/08/2019 19:14

Why are people so afraid of saying no? Its such an invasion of your own home OP, and far too many people. Its bound to be a disaster and something will get damaged or marked. Just say no.

My BIL used to keep asking me for stuff like this. Once to stay in my house while I was on holiday during the Edinburgh Festival. I said no. Then he got a job in Edinburgh and he asked if I could get an additional resident's parking permit out so he could use it to park while he was at work. Again I said no.

I don't like the bugger and I barely know him though, so saying no was fairly easy.

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2019 19:14

After reading all your replies I am seriously thinking about doing an “on second thoughts” message and reverting to PILs.

That is the right choice.

Isatis · 02/08/2019 19:16

Yup, just say that the house just won't accommodate 9 people, the cats need peace and quiet, and it's a no.