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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family asking to stay in our home when we are away.

437 replies

LoveGigi · 02/08/2019 17:13

Okay please give me it straight!

AIBU

We are heading off on holiday for 2 weeks on Tuesday and my in laws have kindly agreed to house sit and look after our 2 indoor cats.

About 3 weeks ago one of my SILs messaged me asking if we would mind her, DH and DS could also come to stay whilst we are away. In said msg she also asked if we would like them to come down immediately prior to us leaving so we could all spend some quality time together. This I felt was disingenuous as she hasn’t visited us for 5 years and I think the comment was shoved in there to mask the fact that she is using us.

I seethed for 2 days and replied saying that they could stay whilst we were away but we were too busy to see them before we left. I chose to fester bitterly instead of dealing with the guilt I would feel for saying no.

Then today the other SIL has asked to come and stay whilst we are away it would be her and her three DCs!! That is a total of 9 people staying whilst we are on holiday. I again feel used as they also have not bothered to come and visit in countless years!!

This wing of the family all live within 10 mins of each other and we are miles away in the capitol.

I feel totally resentful as I feel I can’t say no without suffering years of disdain!

I am a working mother of 3 DCs and the effort it takes to pack to get the family out the door for the holiday is enough without the stress of sorting out the house for 9 guests!!

I also am being mega precious about my new bedroom which I’ve only just moved into so I really don’t want anyone staying in my new bed!!!

Go on, am I being chuffing unreasonable??

OP posts:

Palaver1 · 03/08/2019 01:07

Betsy what a well worded thoughtful mail.Op just needs to remove the last sentence ,kind regards might be best.
What a chuckle.

TheNightof1000Fans · 03/08/2019 01:24

Reddit MN is going to love that email.

Ilady · 03/08/2019 02:48

That's a good email. Your sil both sound like nightmares. Imagine inviting themselves and their children to stay in your house in London with your pil (who are minding your indoor cats and home) when your on holiday.
Considering its 5 years since one of them last found time to visit you I am supprised she can find the time now.
I would contact both sil and tell them that they can't stay in your house when your gone on holidays as it does not suit you. I would tell them they can come to see you individually at another time.

I would tell your pil that your sil and their children can't not stay when your gone as you don't have the room and you know your cats could not cope with 9 people in the house. I would also lock the door on the room you have done up and put your personal papers ect in that room.
You sil might not to be to happy with you over this but if they were not such CF you would not have to do this.
You don't need the hassle of getting a house ready for 9 people or the stress of what you will face when you come home ie your cats upset or gone. Along with this you could arrive home to broken or missing items along with higher bills coving the time 9 people stayed in your house.

latexsalesman · 03/08/2019 06:08

Oh god no. Who needs this stress when on holiday. I clean my house before going away so I can come home to a fresh home. You will come back to a trashed house, and no matter what you say they will use your new room.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 03/08/2019 06:19

I would strip the beds and ask them to bring their own bedding. Save you loads of washing when you return.
I would also lock your bedroom, and tell them to arrange as many air beds as needed.

Magissa · 03/08/2019 06:40

@BetsyBigNose email is perfect!
Op I really hope you don't let this happen. I think it will affect your lovely holiday because you will be worried. You don't owe these people anything. What does your dh feel?

nagynolonger · 03/08/2019 06:42

If you are going to do this please get a lock for your new bedroom. Load it with things you don't want them to use.

I would hide all spare bedding and towels in there and any toys and games. Visiting children will not take care of your stuff. Also run the freezer down if there is time so you are not feeding them all.

They want a free holiday and you are being used.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/08/2019 07:21

The letter is fine... But you run the risk of them saying... '' Oh its fine we'll /the kids will just bed down anywhere..'' .

And these CF will do this to every point...

Too much cost? 'we'll pay for any extra gas/water/elec....'

Back to the old favourite... No is a complete sentence...

TwistyTop · 03/08/2019 07:22

No, there doesn't need to be an excuse to say no but now that the OP has already agreed to all this and it's only a few days away I think an excuse is possibly an easier course of action

7yo7yo · 03/08/2019 07:33

Has op come back?

RachelEllenR · 03/08/2019 07:40

I wouldn't have such a problem with this as most others. I'd ask them to bring all bedding and towels and you've already asked for them to not be there all at the same time. Unless, of course, they have form for being untidy/disrespectful etc. My in laws (parents and brothers/sisters) are all clean and tidy and would leave the house immaculate and I would have no worries at all on that front.

MsTSwift · 03/08/2019 07:45

That email! Or you could just say “no that won’t work for us”. The torturous details about cats and the inequity of kids sleeping on sofas. You would look like a proper loon if you sent that.

onedayiwillmissthis · 03/08/2019 07:47

How will the cats cope with all these strange people...mine would be feckin terrified!

If...if I was going to be away and let a bunch of random (to your cats) strangers stay in our home then I would choose to have the cats stay in safe bording cattery for the duration. And I would expect the 'visitors' to pay the bording fees!

littlemisscynical · 03/08/2019 07:50

No way would I give a big load of excuses. Just say no you don't feel comfortable and leave it at that. No room for them to start negotiating. Problem solved.

Pinkout · 03/08/2019 07:55

I wouldn’t have let any of them stay tbh. The notion of nine people staying in my home for a fortnight while I’m away is just awful, would you even be able to relax? What if they trash it or something valuable gets broken?

onedayiwillmissthis · 03/08/2019 08:01

Ah...posted before finished RTFT

So cats needs must come first. Tell ALL family that no-one except PIL are to stay in your home. Make this very clear. Not up for discussion. Then invite family to visit you another time.

stayathomegardener · 03/08/2019 08:36

I would let them know it's far too stressful for the cats (pet sitter here; it really is!) They will escape.

On that basis you have booked a cat sitter but obviously your pil alone are welcome to stay to honour their existing plans but with no cat responsibilities whatsoever.

rainbowstardrops · 03/08/2019 08:43

Don't do it OP!!!!!

Your poor cats would be stressed beyond belief having nine strangers around them and I'd be terrified that they'd get out!

Your cats (and your sanity) are worth way more than inconveniencing your CF inlaws!

I like Betsys email! But you just need to be honest with them and say NO!!!!

MsTSwift · 03/08/2019 08:46

I am intrigued by the indoor cat thing. We got kittens who are now 4 months and they were desperate to get outside.

NoSquirrels · 03/08/2019 08:55

Talk to PIL? Are they happy about it? Did they issue invites?

Your DH should be saying no, but they’re welcome to visit anytime when you’re home.

letsghostdance · 03/08/2019 09:03

That email is borderline deranged. Just say no! You don't have to justify yourself!

EugenesAxe · 03/08/2019 09:12

Yes I’d send a refusal to both SILs. For the record though, if they did end up coming, don’t lift a fucking finger more than you would normally do when leaving to go on holiday. They can live with used bedding and a house that isn’t pristine. I’m a bit crap though as we have a cleaner, so I’d clean kitchen/ empty bins and leave the rest of the house for them to do while we’re away.

But I like the suggestion of your SILs bringing their own bedding TBH, and changing the beds being part of the deal.

If you can get a key for the bedroom before you go, I would!

avocadotofu · 03/08/2019 09:20

Yikes, that sounds really stressful and they sound very cheeky!! I would say no I think because you won't be able to relax on holiday.

SweetNorthernRose · 03/08/2019 09:20

God no, don't send that essay email! You don't need to give them a million and one excuses, a simple 'nope, this is not going to work for me' is sufficient.

KUGA · 03/08/2019 09:22

Tell them you already have a house sitter.

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