I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

OP you do sound a very positive person, I did not want another baby AT ALL, when at 43 I found out I was in menopause, but having that decision taken away from me was a weird thing, in your situation you would find it tragic.

Thanks all for the different perspectives. I will talk to DP and look into fertility tests as that may well be a catalyst into our decision making.

In the meantime, we will start saving again (now that savings are depleted by recent home improvements) and seek a permanent role, hopefully with my current employer.

The main costs of DC have nothing to do with being frugal or having luxuries: in the first ten years or so these are housing and childcare. Your DP is a low earner at present so it is possible that childcare will cost as much as or more than his salary.

If you were late 30s, fertility tests before deciding whether to wait to ttc might make sense. But you’re 42 - if you do want bio DC you don’t have more time to wait around.

I’ve not read all the thread. My advice is to go for it, indeed crack on and don’t delay. You will afford it on your incomes, definitely. Having or not having family isn’t really an issue. You only have to read threads on here to realise that support from family is not a given anyway.

The chance of conceiving and keeping a pregnancy to term at 43 is only 10%. I think if you really wanted this you would start trying today. You wouldn't be trying to make a budget despite being in the high earners bracket, and you wouldn't say maybe next year. I don't think it sounds like either of you have a grasp of fertility statistics after age 40 and how quickly they decline. You just don't seem that into the idea.

Start now. Get some ovulation sticks and fertility lube and get cracking.

You both clearly want it, you’re in a much more stable position than many and you’ll work out the finances as you go along, many raise children on less than your income. If all is well you’ll have 9 months to work out the details.

I had mine in my mid-late 30s after years of procrastination and they are hands down the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I am knackered though (zero family help) and wish I’d started earlier, although that wouldn’t have been right for us.

I know so many people who waited, left it too late and it’s the biggest regret of their lives.

At 42 you need to go straight into assisted conceptions if you want a child and even then the chances will be very low and it will be very expensive.

Sadly what you'd describe has happened to so many of our friends. No children by choice, he then decides that he wants one when it is too late, they split (or sometimes there has been an OW) and within a year he has a baby and a brand new family. We are now in our 50s and I can think easily of 6 of our friends where this has happened and there are probably more.

We have had 2 sets of friends who have adopted children ranging from age 3-7. It has been very very difficult, both have ended up having to give up work to meet the needs of the children. 1 child had undiagnosed SEND which will impact life long. 1 couple split up over it and whilst they are back together it is very fragile. You have to bear in mind that an adopted child will be older, will have been through a really tough time and may well have SEND including SEMH needs.

"I think that next, provided finances are good and DP agrees, we will start the adoption process, but stop using contraception. I'm not going to get hung up on ovulation etc. Then see what happens."

Why aren't you listening? You can not start the adoption process if you are determined to TTC

Only women with fertility problems find it difficult to conceive in their 40s. These women would find it just as difficult in their 20s-30s. The only thing to do is start trying and if you haven’t conceived within 6 months then get fertility tests (go private as the NHS tends to waste too much time). But it’s possible to conceive naturally - Plenty of women in my family had their first kids at 42-45.

That simply isn't true. It is the fertility myth. Look at research before spreading incorrect facts. Your family is not a solid evidence base

@BloomingHydrangea How would assisted conception help for age? OPs eggs are what they are regardless of whether they’re released naturally or not.

How would assisted conception help for age? OPs eggs are what they are regardless of whether they’re released naturally or not.

I'm guessing because people who go the assisted route can have genetic testing done or are given other medications to prevent miscarriage.

@SunshineCake

I am listening. I've since read what PPs have said about not TTC if going for adoption. Read my last posts.

Cancel out the adoption if she gets pregnant? So waste everyone's time and then if you get to the stage of meeting a child imagine their face when they get told, you're not wanted now as she's having a sparkly new baby of her own. .

Go for it. I think you both want to. Let him be a SAHD and return to your work.

Please RTFT before getting arsey @SunshineCake

No need to go straight into medical interventions. Lots of women are still really fertile at this age. Give it 3/4 months then see a doctor.

Friend of mine conceived easily at 39 but is now 43 and has been TTC for 6 months with no action yet. Don’t underestimate how much fertility declines around 40. Yes it can happen but the chances are lower.

Having said that I have a relative who had a surprise baby in her early 40s, the child is now in his 20s with a dad who is over 70, both parents have health problems. Not ideal and there were no signs of health problems even 10 years ago.

Medication doesn’t exist to improve egg (or sperm) quality, or prevent chromosomal problems.

@BloomingHydrangea How would assisted conception help for age? OPs eggs are what they are regardless of whether they’re released naturally or not.

They would have IVF? The OP may well have very few eggs left- a friend who has unsuccessful IVF at 43 had only a very small number. No remaining eggs would be lost as eggs not used would be frozen.

@Passthecherrycoke I've not been dipping my toes in and out, we started initial fact finding meetings, then I changed jobs (for a better paid one), my mum got ill with her addiction and then my mum died, so it was put on ice. I know you're not allowed to adopt after a close bereavement anyway.

I think you did the right thing. When we were at the beginning of the adoption process we had a bereavement and were advised to give it six months before continuing. At the end of that six months we then had some very deep questioning before they allowed us to continue. So unlike others have said, I believe taking a break from continuing at that stage is something adoption agencies will approve of.

Read this for the facts OP.

www.bpas.org/get-involved/campaigns/briefings/older-mothers/

op i think you actually bot hsound like you will be great parents.you clearly love eacohter and sound really sensible.as you can be in these situation anyway.
and i know the other stuff does come into it but love and wanting a child along with having the other stuff is something that will be more important than anything.because anything can happen to the richest or most successful couple when they have children.any illness.any accident.any incidient.and love love love is what will ultimetly get you throughbecasue you make shit work.

No need to go straight into medical interventions. Lots of women are still really fertile at this age. Give it 3/4 months then see a doctor.

25% chance at 25 of conceiving per month to less than 5% at age 40. The OP may not have many eggs left and so waiting 3/4 months could be too late.

I'm not getting arsey. I posted without realising there was another page. I think there are a lot of people on here who don't see adopted children are real people.

When your upbringing has been shit it's very hard to see things differently.

You could give yourself a short window for trying - when we were going for a third I decided to only allow ten months and then forget the idea.