I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

could you say a bit more about your phobia? I wonder if that is actually what is holding you back?

Agree with pp that money sorts itself out. Honestly, if everyone looked pragmatically at having children, I think the world would be an empty place.

Why not give yourself 4-6 months to conceive, if it doesn't happen then start the adoption ball balling.

Why not do both. Start TTC and start the adoption. How lovely to have your own and an adoptive child as the finally outcome. Good luck. 👍

My only input is that i would definitely not wait a year before trying. You need to go, go, go. Good luck!

I always think some women on MN sound really old for their age.

My mum has her 2nd at 37 , was as fit as a flea and is now in her 90s. She certainly didn't feel too old then.

She had friends (whose children were my childhood friends) who had 2nd and 3rd children in their 40s.

Years ago it was perfectly normal to have children well into your 40s. None of my family (me, my mum and even my grandma) had kids before we were 30.

If you want a baby just try for it. The rule used to be seek advice of no luck after a year but maybe in advance you could see a fertility expert gynae for tips on conceiving? There are some good books out including Fit for Fertility by a UK fertility expert.

I think what you’ve described with:

*“DP and I are in agreement that we both want to be parents. Great!

He's happy to adopt, but has it in his head that he wants a baby all of a sudden.

I want to adopt, but not against TTC now it's been discussed.

Time isn't on our side and he would likely be the SAHP if we had a baby.

I'm definitely thinking adoption is the better option still, but of course there's no guarantee we will be approved.*

Logically pans out as doing things in this order:

1.TTC, but set a time limit, either an age or a period of time. Investigate any age limits on adoption to inform that. Also discuss how far you are willing to go in terms of assistance- from supplements and massage to full blown IVF.

1. Then if TTC doesn’t work, try to adopt. Again, discuss any time limits or expense limits you want to put in that. Also a good idea to discuss the age range you are willing to adopt, and what kind of additional needs in a child you honestly feel able to meet.

If you're desperate to be a mum then go for it, who cares what a bunch of strangers on the internet think. I know loads of people who've had healthy babies over 40.

Sorry, but I wouldn't. It's nice, all these sunny stories of easy over 40s pregnancies. REality is that your chance of having a child with special needs goes up, including ones that cannot be detected with prenatal testing such as autism, also birth complications such as prematurity that can result in special needs, so please consider this very seriously before TTC.

Also it sounds like you're having a child to please your partner. However strong you are, this is a very unwise move because life is uncertain and you could be left, literally, holding the baby without him in your life.

I also think people are glossing over your phobias because a lot of people don't realise how serious they are.

Ignore the doom mongers about your fertility!

I had a friend who conceived really quickly at 42. It comes down to your own ovarian function but ALSO the quality of the sperm.

Your partner needs to be fit and healthy too .

I took 8 months to conceive my first at 30 and 1 single attempt for my 2nd, 2 years later!

OP, fertility tests will only tell you if you’ve got a few eggs left and how far from the menopause you are. The problem for any woman in her 40’s is the quality of the eggs. And that declined steeply from mid 30’s. Waiting another year will probably decimate your chances (a very good chance with a donor egg, though, if you wanted to give that a go).

Hydrangea, genetic testing on embryos isn’t that reliable as embryos tend to have a high degree of mosaicism even if they lead to healthy babies. I suppose IVF could possibly up chances for women with massive egg reserves and able to collect 10+ in one treatment. Ladies on the verge of menopause get IVF to stimulate ovaries to produce an egg but their success rates are generally very low due to so few eggs.

Much easier to have a 2nd child over 40 than a 1st child.

Lots of anecdotal stories about conception over 40, however that isn't what the factual research - from multiple sources- says.

Plus of course as this is mumsnet many people come here when they conceive or have children- so a skewed sample.

Hydrangea, genetic testing on embryos isn’t that reliable as embryos tend to have a high degree of mosaicism even if they lead to healthy babies.

I didn't suggest genetic testing on embryos?

25% chance at 25 of conceiving per month to less than 5% at age 40
Can that statistic be true? I ask as I was pg four times in my early 40s. Although only one of these was successful it still makes it seem I was very lucky to be in the under 5% not once but four times.

@BloomingHydrangea
It's not actually easier to have a 2nd child over 40. What you mean is it's perhaps less riskier as your body has been through 1 pregnancy and you are aware of any possible issues with the pregnancy and delivery.

There is such a lot of negativity on this thread as well as stating the bleeding obvious

Yes, the risks of genetic conditions are greater.
Yes, conception may take longer.
Yes, higher risk of miscarriage.

But couples think these through and decide to go ahead and try, or not.

42 is not ancient. There are women having babies naturally over 45.

Only you know if you want a baby but I would put phobias aside because once your hormones kick in they will probably subside, if not your midwife will help you through. At 42 it's pretty touch and go if it's possible so my gut feeling is to give it a try, adoption doesn't have a cut off limit (my friends were 45&49 when they adopted a sibling pair at 2&5)

If I’m honest, for someone who is desperate to be a mother there doesn’t seem to be a sense of urgency, which given your age, is perplexing.

It really is time to stop having these ‘somewhere in the future’ chats about having children and start having ‘this is what we’re going to do now’ chats.

What phobia do you have about having a biological child? It appears that having a child means very different things to you and your partner. You had all but discounted having your own biological child and your partner appears not to feel as strongly about adoption as you do. You sound like you’d prefer an older child and your partner a baby.

There really is a lot to discuss and you no longer have the luxury of waiting for the ideal moment.

Given your age, the ideal moment is today.

I'm completely and utterly biased and happy to admit it, but becoming a first time mother at just 42 was even better than I ever expected. I'm due my second this year and will be 44 and a half. You are not too old to do this. I don't miss my old life or pre-child freedom. That's the joy of older motherhood- you couldn't be more ready. That's the inspiration part over with.....as for practicalities, you can't wait for next year, sorry! Start taking folic acid as a minimum now (plus ubiquinol and a basic pre- conception vitamin if you really are serious). If you get on with it asap, your chances could optimistically be around 50% unless you have odd cycles or period problems. Miscarriage is a risk. There's a lot of worries at our age but not seeing it as the be-all-and-end-all or getting stressed will help you.
I'd pursue the adoption at the same time. I have no idea what the time limits are for that but you must already be well into the older limits.
You sound like you want this to happen. I think your friends venturing into these waters has had a big influence.

@Iggi999 Conception is about a sperm and an egg. The stats you give are for the general population, they aren't unique to a couple.

I had my last one at 41 and I haven't regretted a minute of it.
This really has to be a joint decision by both of you. The urge to reproduce is as strong in males as it is in females.

@BloomingHydrangeaIt's not actually easier to have a 2nd child over 40. What you mean is it's perhaps less riskier as your body has been through 1 pregnancy and you are aware of any possible issues with the pregnancy and delivery.

The research shows a higher conception rate to full term for subsequent conceptions cover 40 than 1st conceptions.

And also forget childbirth worries. At 43 plus you'd get a c-section agreed very easily on the NHS if that was your choice. I'm not necessarily advocating it and of course it'd be something to investigate but it was great for me with similar worries.

Jinglinghellsbells I have no idea what you mean, but thanks for the conception info

I have to say the idea of a relationship that has never been tested by a single argument gives me the creeps a bit.

Do it OP, you might regret it otherwise, especially if you and yr DH want children.

I don’t think you are too old.

Lots of posters say no, have already had a family and don’t relish the thought of doing it all again, which I completely understand, I would also be in that camp too, these days!

But becoming a mum for the first time is amazing. I have loved every moment, including pregnancy and labour, such a special time. I was also scared about pregnancy and labour, it was much easier than I expected, of course sleepless nights are tough, but it doesn’t last forever.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Encouraging people to ignore biological realities isn't very helpful as it may lead to precious opportunities being lost.

RCOG paper on reproductive ageing

I had mine at 37 and I am knackered now at 46. Wish I had done it younger.

I wish the same thing. But that doesn’t mean I regret having her.