I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

If you want one start trying asap. You’re not on the breadline, so you’ll figure the money situation out somehow.
Only advice I’d give (having found out at 40 that my fertility was non existent and OH had sperm that swam in circles) is to get both of you to a fertility clinic for a check up. I needed IVF for the above reasons which was a shock to us as we were both fit and healthy and in denial about our age!

For the average woman you are at the age where fertility is about to fall off a cliff - you don’t want to waste even 6 months trying without success before finding out there is a problem, that could have been sorted.

And yes, there are lots of stories of my friend had three kids at 47 etc, but it is much harder to get pregnant past 40 than I think media and stories suggest. I was quite surprised at the IVF stats and how the success rates go down by age....

Anyway - fingers crossed you are one of the lucky ones where it works out well - good luck

Ps im bloody knackered, broke, and no family help. I was terrified of pregnancy etc and I wouldn’t change having mine for anything.
May change my mind at the teenage years though!

In your situation I would TTC.

Unless your DP is fully on board - doesn’t sound like he is - you’ll be rejected to adopt. He has the option to end the relationship, find someone younger and ttc. If you do adopt and for whatever reason your relationship ends it’ll very likely be you doing 95% of the parenting.

Post adoption support and services of all kinds for DC with complex needs are just not available or good enough. Huge negative impact on those DC and families. Mothers bear the brunt of the parenting.

Hello OP,

I am speaking as an adoptive mum of four (and foster carer to many more). Forgive me if this has been mentioned elsewhere but when first applying to adopt we had to agree no longer to try for our own biological child. This seemed unlikely as we had gone through 12 years of infertility treatment but we still had to agree to it. This was many years ago, as children are all now adult, but it was then an absolute rule - though that may have been because we wished to adopt little ones. Back then they also had strict rules on ages when applying to adopt babies and toddlers, but I would hope that is no longer the case.

Your posts have touched me, and if you were my friend I would urge you to try for your own child first. That may sound strange coming from an adoptive parent, and now grandparent, but I wonder if you would always wonder "what if?" As you are more interested in an older child to adopt, your own ages will not be as essential as if you wished for a baby, so I think you do still have time.

Being so desperate to have a child, by any means, when I hear talk of money, or no support network, I tend not to think worry too much. And yes I know logically these things are important, but to me everything else can be worked around. We had neither money or support, we still don' t - well our adult daughter of course - and it has never been a major issue. Even although some of our children are disabled, we still took one problem at a time, and dealt with it - as will you.

I would hate to have looked back with regrets. And although infertility treatment was unsuccessful, and despite all the thousands and thousands of pounds it cost, I am still glad I went through it. Because had I not, I wouldn't have got the (adopted) children and grandchildren I have today, and without adopting I would never have fostered. So don't get too tied up with money and support (which may well be more of an issue for adoption agencies who are obsessed with support networks).

Follow your heart on this one, OP. So glad you such a wonderful husband, so if you talk through everything you will come up with a plan. I would try for my own child for a certain period of time, but you will make the right decision for you. Good luck, I genuinely wish you well.

Adoption and conception are really, really different. Do you both really want to adopt , including taking on special needs and trauma?

^^This, and every other post saying how difficult adoption is. You are likely to encounter children with some complex issues. They need very special families, be sure you know what you're getting into before you go down that route.

Hi op, it doesn't sound like you're very on board with having your own baby and I don't think you should just go along with the idea to please your dp. Babies are hard work and turn your lives upside down. Plus at your age the risk of complications (pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum recovery, the child having disabilities) are higher.

Is higher, sorry!

I wouldn’t, but I was brought up by older parents (who were your ages now when they had me) and they had both died by the time I was 30. I appreciate that people have children later these days, anyone can die any time, but you are still more likely to die the older you are!
I am late 40s w teens now - the thought of having a 5 or 6 yr old in my knackered state - no way.
If you really want it, start now as it may take a year.

I think you are best placed to have some of the conversations with your DP that previous posters have suggested. Ultimately in these situations people tend to focus on whatever of the facts benefit the outcome they want and push ahead but you do need to determine which path forward is right for you OP. The overall desire to want a child obviously isnt a whim for you but all this pouring out in 24hrs of a visit to a toy shop (which are quite sentimental places let's face it) is, and needs practical and probably challenging conversation. People on here can't advise what is right for you as a couple.

As a different viewpoint, I had older parents and really have always had disappointments and sadness associated with that, especially where they were not able to really join in like other parents or us be on similar wavelengths on my teenage years and onwards. My grandparents passed away before I was really an adult and I have always had in the back of my mind that my parents wouldn't have been around perhaps for life events if i didnt get then done relatively young. As well as worries about providing for them in retirement whilst managing my own life.
Not at all trying to scaremonger or suggest this is the case for anyone else but it was my experience, much as though we'd all I'm sure, have preferred otherwise.

I think if the conversations with your DP yield a definite yes then I would first have my and his fertility tested asap to see some grounding of where we stood and then go from there. I really wouldn't cast aside your phobic issues with pregnancy either - these can be very serious and traumatic and will notjust disappear ; more likely they will present a huge challenge and require a great deal of support.

Also agree w those who say adoption is tough. The families I know now with adopted children have a lot of issues. Depends on age and reason for adoption I suppose, but you def need to be prepared for that child to have had trauma in their life and this may not come out straight away.

Have you thought about doing both? You can try to adopt and, at the same time, don't use contraception. Plenty of people have two young children and you might be able to afford some help to make life easier.
It's just a thought, I'm not advocating.

You sound like a very nice, thoughtful couple.

I had my DD two weeks shy of my 40th. We hadn’t really planned on children initially, but changed our minds. We did go into TTC with the ‘if it happens, it happens’ mindset and if it hadn’t we would have been okay with that. I was pregnant within three months and had a really easy pregnancy and birth.

I won’t pretend it has always been plain sailing. I certainly didn’t have the energy I had in my 20s, but I had the life experience and was more relaxed about stuff in general. In fact, I’ve always been more lenient than her friends’ parents. My experience of the menopause was easy, so it’s not a given that will cause problems. I’d say stop the contraception now, but also continue the adoption process and see what happens.

All that said, I love my DD dearly and have no regrets, but equally I always knew we could have had a happy and fulfilling life without a child. You need to remember that too, just in case it doesn’t work out.

NameChangedForTheDay You are not big headed at all! As I said, you should be very proud :)

You sound like a lovely person who has a lot of love to give. You will be a great mum be it your own 'blood' children or adopted

Or just don’t seek to become a parent at all!
That sounds like a decent option for you.

Worth thinking through every scenario - bio DC, no DC, adopted DC - involving your relationship ending, and what that may mean for you personally and any DC, since well over half of cohabiting relationships do end.

Rachel Have you thought about doing both? You can try to adopt and, at the same time, don't use contraception.

No they can't.

Well, obviously they could, but it would involve lying to the social workers which is not a good way to go into adoption!

They either need to TTC and then possibly adopt later after they stop. Or rule out TTC and go 100% to adopting.

Go for it. You will get paid maternity leave and then you can go back to work. You both earn ok salaries so money really shouldn’t be an issue. Childcare is expensive but once they’re 3 you get 30 free hours.

It sounds to me like you would regret it if you didn’t try.

To those people saying they wish they had had babies when they were younger because they’re knackered....babies are knackering regardless of how old you are.

@JustDanceAddict - sad but it really does just depend on your health. Maybe it’s because I’m from an Indian background but I know more younger parents who died of sudden death or other illnesses between 20-30 than older ones. It’s possibly because the older you are the healthier you have to be to conceive - all of my cousins with parents who were in their 40s when they had their first kids lived to their 80s and 90s and saw grandkids and in a few cases great grandkids too.

The two concerns:

Money -Babies are as expensive or cheap as you like. Second hand prams, moses baskets -wealth of second hand shops and friends and clothes etc or you can buy £2000 pram etc

You don't have to take loads of maternity leave. You can get everything you need for pretty much nothing -if you ask around. My children play with mud and the dogs and don't have ipads each -but you will manage whatever if you are prepared to ask / receive second hand etc

Family -Aren't you already a family? You and him -you support each other. Strengthen your support network -when pregnancy join NCT etc and you will soon build up a support network. My family live 6 hour drive away but I have 3 local friends who I could totally rely on for childcare / emergencies at 2am and others that I could rely on day in and day out.

Neither of these are different for adoption or having your own.

My last baby was at 41 -we were told it would take longer to conceive............it took 2 weeks. I'm now a single parent with family miles away and honestly I have so much support here -and loved and it feels good.

Doesn't matter what age you are, it's all about the love for that child. Babies / pregnancy in my experience as much as you might want to plan -plans don't always work. It took me 4 years to have my first (multiple m/c etc) and 2 weeks to have my last pregnancy. Good luck sounds like you have a very loving home to offer a child.

Ps some people think having older parens might be a drawback -you can get ill at any age. My friend aged 40 has just lost her husband after 20 years of marriage and 2 children. -That's not old.

Likewise I know a 20 year old mum who partner died at 22.

I can still out run my children and out fox them. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and inexperience. My exhusband was 10 years younger and I can outrun him too........

I have to say OP it seems unlikely the adoption route will really come to anything as you’ve been dipping your toes in and out of it for a while now with no progress. The concerns you have about having your own children (finances ages etc) will all be issues SS will raise for adoption, only they will take a much more rigorous approach.

Also, don’t take this the wrong way but you are coming accross as extremely positive, which is great, but also potentially is putting a Pollyanna gloss on everything. In that respect I have to say I think trying for your own baby so going to be far easier emotionally than adoption.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

Babies cost hardly anything, and children not much more.
it's the lifestyle you choose to go with having children that can cost a lot.
If we can/ could do it well on one min wage salary, then anyone can do it. You just adjust your life to fit your kids.
Cheaper area, less mortgage, fewer outgoings on bills and it's easy.

@Passthecherrycoke I've not been dipping my toes in and out, we started initial fact finding meetings, then I changed jobs (for a better paid one), my mum got ill with her addiction and then my mum died, so it was put on ice. I know you're not allowed to adopt after a close bereavement anyway.

We weren't at a stage where we'd officially started the process.

Well observed, I am a glass half full kind of person. But I'm also very realistic and practical, hence I research the death out of decisions and seek advice.

Do not wait.
I got pregnant first try, at 38. Easy peasy. (so I wan very fertile, however...)

43, last period ever, they just stopped, by 44 full blown menopause.

Sister, pregnant at 45 from a one off. Sister really struggling, on anti depressants, PND and I suspect peri menopause. She is exhausted.

You just never know.

As other posters have said, you really, really need to crack on, right now. You don't have time to umm and ahh.

@Ilovemylabrador two very good points. I'm not materialistic. I don't get into debt for nice things, I save and wait. I'm also not bothered by designer labels or second hand goods, my first home was all second hand, bar the sofa and bed.

My friends are my family to be honest. And of course my DP. His family live slightly closer than mine.

If he really wants a kid then I would be braced for him to leave for someone younger eventually. Seen it happen too many times.