I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

Oh I should add in early twenties we were skint, mortgage rates 17% in my forties we were in a much better place financially to have another baby.

Could you not go straight back to work and he takes paternity leave instead if it's money worries stopping you TTC?

Just be aware that deciding to try for a baby may just be the beginning of many difficult decisions if you have fertility issues. Eg how long would you try for? Would you consider ivf if you needed to? Could you afford it? How would you feel if you both decided on trying for this baby, sorted your roles, finances etc. and then were unable to? It is difficult to carry on as normal if you have trouble conceiving. You become a bit obsessed with it, even if you intend not to.

Saying that, 42 is not too old to become a mother. Mine was 45 and I think her children have kept her young!

You don’t sound like you want a baby op.

Sorry Detective @BalloonSlayer you're very wide of the mark. Everything I've posted is 100% true. So please don't accuse me of being disingenuous.

I've never made any bones of my desire to be a mother, my DP knew my feelings on the matter from the get-go and was on board with adoption.

Adoption was on ice after the stress of losing my mum earlier this year and we are only coming out the other side and being at the toy shop yesterday jolted me back to what we had started to explore previously.

When I asked if he was 'broody', I was thinking purely of the adoption as having a baby was never discussed and when I asked he seemed even more enthused than before.

When we discussed it last night, it was indeed a bombshell as he'd never indicated he wanted a baby of our own in the entire five years together.

I didn't 'push and push' as you put it. At the shop, I said, "Awww. All these kids are making me broody. Are you feeling broody?" He said "Yes!". I gave him a squeeze and a kiss and went, "Aw, that's lovely." and we bought the toys.

Later at home, watching TV I said "I was surprised to hear you say you're broody. Shall we look into starting adopting again?" and he said "Yep, but what about having a baby of our own?"

No pushing, no lady doth protest too much. I've never once considered having a baby with him until he mention it. Not sure why you accuse otherwise. In fact I think it's bizarre. Why would I lie?

I don't know any of you. I was just after advice.

I am sick of all this doom mongering from people who are saying you'll have no money, you'll never sleep again etc etc.
I've just had a lovely lie-in this morning. I go to the gym early morning several times a week and on a Saturday. I am not stressed, I am not particularly tired. I am 42/and a sahm. Me and my husband sort it all oit together, with no other help.
We are in a good position financially, which also helps, but it really isn't the end of the world. We've two foreign trips booked for September and October, and we have no qualms about taking the baby.
Bad things can happen to anyone at any age. Pregnancy is a risky business. I don't regret it for a second. It's a lot easier to have a baby/toddler than work full time as a secondary school teacher, which is what I was doi g before I had him. I certainly know what I'll prefer to be doing at age 60, and it isn't schlepping to work to deal with 30 teens on the hour every hour!
Looking back at my own teenage years, yes, I had my moments, but I never brought trouble to my parents' door. Why assume all teens are a handful? In 15 years of dealing with them in a professional capacity, I can say for sure that they are not

You can't TTC and pursue adoption at the same time. It's one or the other. If they find out during the process that you've concealed the fact that you're TTC you will not be approved. And if they also find out during the process that your DP really wants a biological child, but you don't, then you may not be approved either, because that would not be a stable environment for a child with significant needs to come into.

I don't think you should do anything at all until you talk A LOT more to your partner. If he would really rather have a biological child than an adopted one you need to know. And if you go down the bio route you both need to know how far you're going to take it. Can you handle multiples? Would you pursue IVF? What will you do if your child had chromosomal abnormalities? Can you cope with miscarriages, maybe multiple miscarriages, which are to be expected TTC in your forties? What will you do if your child has needs that require one of you to give up work permanently - either birth or adopted?

Honestly, it seems to me like you're being quite blasé about the possible challenges of adoption. I think it's rarely as simple as you adopt a school-aged child and they just go straight into school, job done. A biological child is likely to be more straightforward in many ways... Assuming (which is an assumption) you were able to conceive, and the child was healthy.

Liverbird77

Well said. Some jobs are far more stressful than raising a single baby ime. People over dramatise it.

I would go for it. I think everyone worries about the fears you've mentioned but it all does seem to slot into place once the baby is born. I have two friends who have just had babies in their 40s and are loving it.

Thanks @CmdrCressidaDuck some sage advice. Some ppsnot TTC and adopt and others have suggested if we decide to TTC, then to put a time limit on it and if it doesn't happen, then proceed with adoption.

I don't think we are blasé about the difficulties of adopting a child, the social workers have been more than up front at the meetings and we've done my research too.

The adoption process if successful could take a couple of years? And also you would have to be able to afford that child, also some older adopted children do come with attachment and other issues.

Maybe see how fertile you are, and if your serious start trying now?

My aunt tried for years for a baby, and never a hint at a positive pregnancy test. When she was 45 and just started the menopause- she fell pregnant! The first 10 years was fine. However when my cousin hit the teenage years, my aunt aged over night. She found it so much harder. Then being in her 60’s with her child out partying, going to university etc. And now my cousin is 25, has moved, 3 hours away from home as she’s still ‘partying with her uni friends’ and had a fun, young life, and my aunt is 70. It’s made her realise what she will miss out on-that if she did become a grandmother, she could not child mind as my grandmother (her mother) did for her child (my cousin). That if she is taken unwell, her daughter won’t be 48, secure in a job, etc like she was. That she had always been really healthy and fit, then just after she turned 60, it was one tablet after another she was being diagnosed. She has said on several occasions she feels selfish, as she had such a young mum and her daughter has an old mum. If she knew then, what she knew now, it would have really made her think twice about continuing the pregnancy.
But that’s just one example. There will be many women here having their first child child, and it’s amazing for them. You have to do what you want.

Sorry I don’t know where my paragraphs have gone! They were there when I typed!!

Only women with fertility problems find it difficult to conceive in their 40s. These women would find it just as difficult in their 20s-30s. The only thing to do is start trying and if you haven’t conceived within 6 months then get fertility tests (go private as the NHS tends to waste too much time). But it’s possible to conceive naturally - Plenty of women in my family had their first kids at 42-45.

I don't want to be the voice of doom but, statistically, you are right up against it in terms of declining egg quality. This reduces your chances of conceiving and increases miscarriage risk. (Some individuals are lucky, but that's not the whole picture).

Would suggest:

-you see a counsellor who specialises in fertility issues to explore your feelings about having a child (whether through natural or assisted conception or adoption).

-If you decide you do want to try and conceive a child you start ASAP and do some research about how to optimise your chances (Fertility Friends is a good resource).

-You make a prompt decision about whether to explore some sort of assisted conception.

• You try and agree beforehand where your boundaries are.

I think you both have some talking to do before you start ttc. Think about how you might (both) cope with not being able to conceive naturally - how long would you try for, would you be willing to try ivf? Talk about miscarriage. Talk about time- are you on the same page? Would he support you. Then talk about the practicalities of rearing a child. Are you thinking nurseries, nannies, you going part time, him going part time. Who's going to do the work (look at who does the housework/admin work now) does he pull his weight? Do you broadly agree on how a child should be parented?

If you decide to go ahead, do so on the understanding that things will not be the same afterwards, whether you conceive or not. And good luck - whatever you decide.

I welled up listening to the childhood you and your OH had. You both should be so proud of yourself for working so hard to overcome the many hurdles you've faced. Everything you have in life is purely down to you.

With regards to the baby situ I think you should be trying NOW. Don't let people scare you. So long as you're physically fit you shouldn't let age hinder you. You sound like you are in a loving and supportive relationship which is key! You sound like you're doing very well £ and it would make sense for your OH to be a SAHD - we never have enough money, we just find a way.

Perhaps arrange an appointment with your GP, have test, seek their advice etc.

I became a mum last year at 31 and I wasn't really a broody type of person before that. My son has changed my world and shown me a love which I never knew existed. I didn't sleep for the first 9 month which wasn't nice at all, but I wouldn't change a thing!

All the best and please keep us updated x

I've done both, had a birth child and adopted. They are both very different experiences. Adoption is hard, bloody hard emotionally and mentally, birth is difficult, but more physical (tiredness etc).

Might be worth you posting on the adoption board. Your reasons for wanting to adopt are great, but the agency might be hesitant to progress you if your dh wants a birth child

I think you sound idealistic about adoption. DC up for adoption now are often very different than adopted DC at the time you and your brother were young, far more of them have been through trauma and/or have additional needs including but in addition to the attachment issues. IMO adoption is different and harder than parenting biological DC, excepting any additional needs.

If you did, on reflection and taking into account DP’s wishes, want to try to have a biological DC you don’t really have time to wait to ttc to sort the finances etc given your age. As PPs say, it would be your body and you affected the most, and taking most risks.

You could both continue to work full time.

His financial security would be an issue if he went part time or stayed at home, especially since you’re not married, and most fathers are unwilling to do that. It’d also mean he was the main carer if you broke up.

I don’t think never arguing is a relationship strength, especially if important issues like this were not fully discussed.

Sorry, I haven't read the full thread, but how much have you investigated the adoption route?

I only ask because with adoption there is also a high risk of you having a child with special needs due to early trauma, either in womb or in earlier life.

My friends had a child very after university then adopted two more children about ten years later. Although they had some briefing, they've admitted that nothing prepared them for the whole raft of needs their adopted children have. It's been a constant battle for them over the last decade - fighting for special school places, for support for SpLDs, help from Camhs. They've had to move house into a different school funding area and both their marriage and social life have deteriorated with some of the pressures.

All I'm saying is be sure you understand the risks of adoption down the line - you don't get given a 'blank canvas' of a baby which you can assume you can 'shape' as you wish. A child with separation anxiety for example, or problems with adult relationships may settle less well in childcare settings.

Looks like I cross-posted with Loopytiles - similar points!

Tbh, if you’re not sure that you want a baby then you’re not “desperate to be a mum” and shouldn’t be adopting either. Fear of childbirth is common - it’s not a phobia, it’s a fear, and millions of women have it and yet they all seem to manage to have babies.

TBH it doesn’t sound as if you’re all that maternal. The chances of being able to adopt are small. You’re incredibly likely to get a child with significant needs. Around 50% of adoptions of school aged children break down, and it’s not likely you will be able to adopt a baby. I think that you have a rose-tinted view of adoption along the “we can always adopt” lines of thinking you see trotted out on here so regularly.

No-one can tell you whether you should or shouldn’t have a baby. Personally I think it’s too old but each to their own, but the reasons etc you’ve come up with make me think that you’re not actually wanting to have children, in which case you should IMO let go of the whole idea entirely and get on with your life. There’s nothing wrong with that either fwiw.

If you are interested in adopting I'd recommend joining the therapeutic parenting group on Facebook. It will give you a realistic idea of what it is like to parent a child who will most likely be suffering trauma from their early experiences. It can be very different to parenting your own biological child ( unless they also experience trauma for some reason).

Go for it. Don’t wait until next year to start trying. Get some pre natal vitamins, start a saving plan to cover maternity leave.

It may take a year to get pregnant, it might not.

If you decide to stop ttc’ing in a couple of years then you know that at least you have tried. If you want to adopt you won’t be too old for an older child not will having your own child prevent from adopting, the rule is normally two years age gap.

I am 44, I really wouldn’t advise waiting any longer.

Thank you @JamdaniSari that's really kind of you to say.

Without sounding big headed we are both incredibly proud of ourselves actually. My DP's mum came back into his life in his 20s, she's incredibly remorseful and when I met her I didn't want to like her, for walking out on three kids. My DP was a lot younger than his siblings at the time, so it was him and his dad against the world until cancer took him. But his mum is actually lovely and confided in me that she's aware that she doesn't deserve to be in her kids lives and thanks the heavens every day that she is.

DP sees his mum every couple of months and I see my dad a few times a year, my siblings and his siblings aren't nearby, so it's just us and we are really happy in our team of two.

Congratulations on your DS.