I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

I saved for a year before having my DD2 because I knew that I would want to take at least 7 months off work and would only get 3 months full maternity pay from my employer. SMP is capped at about £148 a week so I needed to make sure I had enough savings to cover the shortfall and the first months nursery fees for when I return to work.

I think that your OP is you really wanting a baby but scared of all the usually things we are all scared about before we have kids. I had my second at 37 and even though harder than my first I was much more relaxed because it was planned and we had the money to cover it all.

Make a plan, it is right you will never be ready for a baby mentally but you can make sure you are financially ready!

And also forget childbirth worries. At 43 plus you'd get a c-section agreed very easily on the NHS if that was your choice.

CS's don't cure prematurity or prevent health conditions in the mother that older ones are more prone to and on the NHS sometimes no, you don't get them.

Wow.

Plus, the other issue is having a child to please someone else.

MN at its stupidest finest.

If the thought never crossed your mind until now, well there is something going on there. An avoidance of some sort maybe unconscious that you are not aware of.
You met your DP when you were 37. I'm just wondering why you never thought of having your own child. You also say you are 'desperate to be a Mum'. So there is some fear or contradiction there.
Why did the suggestion come as such a shock unless you were avoiding it or just in denial hoping the idea would go away.
It sounds now like you are hoping to push the decision further away, like you have been for years. Even now you talk about 'looking' at it and 'thinking about 'it a bit longer Versus just having unprotected sex from today onwards.
I think your phobia you mentioned will definitely stop you unless you tackle that....or just ditch the contraception.

Only women with fertility problems find it difficult to conceive in their 40s. These women would find it just as difficult in their 20s-30s.

Not really no, my grandmother had 7 children before the age of 40, no fertility issues at all. Couldn't have done it by 42 because of menopause.

You are 42 you aren't really in a position to leave trying until next year, you need to crack on time isn't on your side.

This

Hope it all works out for you I had my DC at 38 and 40 and love being a Mum.

OP I never felt particularly broody until DP suddenly decided that it would be a good thing to start ttc when I was 42. I got pregnant fairly quickly but had two miscarriages before having DD. She was born very prematurely and has a neurological condition which affects motor skills. She is about 4or5 years behind her peers emotionally.

That was the downside. The upside is that we now have a lovely girl who, despite her issues, has brought so much joy.

I think what I'm. trying to say is that we never know how things will turn out. DD could still have had the same condition if she had been born when I was younger.

The bottom line is that if you both want to try for a baby then go for it. I also have a friend who had a baby at 43 with no problems. The most important thing is that both of you have the same goal and make your decision together and are aware of all the potential issues.

I have no regrets about having DD when I did and wish you all the best whatever you decide.

I think you earn plenty and lots of people are having babies at that age.
I would say that I am now pregnant at 38 and was at 35 and I am as fit as a 60 yo
I used to be so fit but pregnancy was hard. And baby life.
I am not doubting whether I should have got pregnant again.

But lots of people are fit and well!!

So I guess the question is, what do you want? If you do want the baby then start trying asap. If it doesn't work out in 1/2 years then start the adoption route straight away.

Best of luck

@Namechangedfortheday there's a lot of negativity on this thread. Plenty of women have babies at your age and the majority have no problems. You do get extra monitoring over 40 which is reassuring. I have 3, born when I was 35, 38 and 42. In all three pregnancies I was not the oldest in my ante and post natal peer groups.

There are great advantages to being an older parent. We bring life experience and usually more patience as well as having well established support networks.

I think if you want to go for it you should really go for it. If you have a regular cycle just start having unprotected sex every other day from day 9-16. If no luck after a couple of cycles try some cheap ovulation sticks.

Get going as soon as you can, you'll then have the whole pregnancy to plan and budget.

Some people have very strong opinions on pregnancy over 40. Their lives aren't yours and they won't be there to salve your regrets. Try to admit loud and clear what you want (often fear of not getting it stops us) and just do it.

I’m (almost) 42 and just started trying for baby number 2!

You won't be too old to adopt if you try to conceive for two years but some agencies need you to have a period of time once you give up trying.
As you'd like an older child if you did adopt your age would be even less of a barrier.
Btw I conceived my 5th child aged 43 and I'm thoroughly enjoying her.
Knackered yes but no more than when I was a younger mum.

There's been a lot of negatives on here which seems a bit uncalled for given that the op clearly isn't rushing in without thinking things through. I hope you can come to a quick conclusion OP and get a move on

Namechangefortheday
Just wanted to add in some practicalities if you decide to TTC at 42.
I had my first DS at 40, easy getting pg, no problems.
Then had some difficulty getting no.2 - had 3 MCs after DS1 was born, quite spaced out.
I saw an obstetrician/gynaecologist about the situation (I'm in Australia, it's a common thing to do here) and she sent me for some testing:
• Anti-Mullerian hormone test, to see how my egg "load" was - results came back that I had a high egg load for my age, almost to the point of PCOS (only because their graph didn't really expect people of my age to be being tested, we had to extrapolate past 40 )
• Vitamin D levels - these were very low, despite living in Australia because we are advised to avoid sun exposure. I was given high level medical dose of Vit D. Low levels of vit D are linked to subfertility and to miscarriage.
• general hormone levels - oestrogen and progesterone - to see if I was lacking in these (and to see if I was pre or perimenopausal - I wasn't). A progesterone pessary was also prescribed for use after a positive pregnancy test. This may be an Aussie thing - don't know if it's an option in the UK.
• I also have a blood clotting condition called Factor 5 Leiden thrombophilia, which can cause microclots, so was prescribed clexane (anticoagulant injection) to be started as soon as I got a positive pregnancy test. This is not likely to be relevant to you, but then again 1 in 20 people in the general population have this condition, so you never know! It's not routinely tested for (which, in my opinion, it should be in women because the risks of creating a blood clot increase >4x if you are taking the OC pill or get pregnant) There are other equally common thrombophilias out there too, so if you have a decent GP, they might agree for you to be tested for thrombophilia, especially if there is a history in your family of people getting DVTs or other clotting problems.

End result was me falling pregnant with DS2 and having him aged 45.
Of course you don't necessarily need all these tests, but you don't have a huge amount of time to waste in terms of trying and not succeeding, and then doing the tests, and then trying to correct anything that comes up, so I would suggest it might be an idea to get them done asap so you know where you stand.

I have no advice on the adoption vs. TTC debate, just wanted to give this info if you do decide to go the TTC route.

I would do it. But I would do it now. Don't delay. Parenthood is a whole new world. And i wouldn't worry about your age. I kind of think pregnancy is like a car journey. You (and your passenger) are on the journey together for 9 months and in most cases you will get to your destination without incident. Sometimes there is a minor bump or a little detour but mostly everything is fine. Don't be scared to drive that car op.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad I just wanted to say your post is brilliantly useful not just to the OP but anyone TTc. Not sure if you’ve experienced TTc on the NHS but they don’t offer any specific advice and due to the dominance of the NHS private advice can be difficult to navigate and of seriously varying quality! Your experience is hugely useful

I had 3 children, very easily, in my late teens and twenties, but when I married my 2nd husband (who had no children), we TTC for 5 years, until I finally became pregnant at 43. Sadly, I miscarried, and never fell pregnant again.

Despite all the pps on here, telling you they got pregnant easily in their 40s, and had children with no special needs, the stats show a different reality, and you're more likely to have problems conceiving, and carrying a baby to full term, so you'd better get cracking, this month. For every month you delay it, that's another egg literally going down the drain, and you may not have many of them left, let alone eggs of a good enough quality to sustain a pregnancy.

Re adoption, I bet the social workers didn't mention that you get no support once you've adopted? This is what someone I know who adopted 2 siblings has discovered, and I've also seen elsewhere, adoptive parents complaining about this, even when the children (the majority of them) have special needs.

Thanks Passthecherrycoke.
I had DS1 in the UK, but, apart from navigating the thrombophilia issues, I didn't have any trouble with ttc with him, so have no direct experience of how the NHS deals with fertility issues.

It was a very different experience here, that's for sure!

Haven't read the full thread but just a few thoughts:

1. you won't be too old, especially if you are looking to adopt an older child.

2. they like you to wait 6months-year before starting the process after you have finished trying yourselves.

3. your partner must be 100% on board with this. There is no main adopter, you are both equal and will both need to be committed to it.

4. Whether you can afford it is your choice. I'm sure you are a bright individual who can budget it. Get a spread sheet and check how it all stands. Do you have to be the one to take all the maternity leave? He could do the majority and you go back to work. Adoption leave would be the same, you could go back to work after 2 weeks.

5. when adopting, they do like you to have savings and prove you can financially manage it.

I'm desperate to be a mum,

I honestly think there is nothing quite like it, it is the single best thing that has ever happened to me and I was not maternal at all.

I was a little younger at 35, I lost my mum when my son was just 6 months old, which was devastating on its own without her not being around to see our son grow, but it also meant my amazing support network disappeared, but do you know, what we do just fine, I think people underestimate exactly what they are capable of until they actually have to do it.

Yes the stats may show there could be complication, but if you have a yearning to be a mum, I would just go for it. You can never have really think you have enough money, but I think you sound like you would be OK, especially if you hubby would be a SAHD, you would have no childcare costs (and it's a blast 😍😍 IME). You don't need a fortune to raise a child

I would start the ball rolling with the adoption, start on folic acid, and start trying ASAP if it's what you both want.

Good luck 💐💐💐

Well all we can do is add our own experiences and anecdotal evidence that it was easy is no less valid that says it was hard. And no one knows whether you’re going to find it difficult or easy until you start trying. From my perspective I had my only child at 41 - obviously I have nothing else to compare it too so I can’t say if it’s more difficult being that age ( neither will you). It took me about 2 months to conceive and I had an ok pregnancy and a difficult birth. My sister was 28 when she had hers and had a similarly challenging birth. No guarantees. We have no family support in the area so we rely on paid childcare. I also know a couple of women who adopted as single women.... one of them was 50. ( so I’m surprised you’re talking about age restrictions since I thought that was less of an issue nowadays. ). Your DH is allowed to want his own child.... you don’t have to do it but if you are going to try get cracking.

Have you thought about fostering? I don't think there are rules about fostered kids being the youngest as there appear to be for adoption but I don't know.

Probably already been said, but you definitely can't fo the adoption process at the same time as ttc. I think there is also a substantial time period required after you stop to let it settle in your heads.
That means if you ttc for a year say, then have to wait a year before starting adoption process, which takes a year at least, plus another 6 months for matching... you're looking at being 45 before you adopt.

Time-wise you will probably find it quicker to conceive at 42 than adopt at 42.

I’ve tried to skim read most of the posts but I can’t see anyone mentioning just how difficult the adoption process can be and just how hard it is to bring an adopted child (esp an older one) into your family.

Not that it wouldn’t be absolutely worth it and equal to having your own but it would bring its own challenges, different to the ones you might face with a biological child but challenges non the less.

When I looked into the adoption process I was assured age wasn’t too much of a factor so although you might not want to wait 10 years, I think you have time to ttc naturally if you wish.

Im approaching 40 and I have a 12 month old and due with 2nd later this year, I’m pleased it took me this long to get where I am. It was the right choice for me. Only you can really know what is right for you

You can do shared parental leave at the point your maternity pay drops, and he could go PT or become a SAHD, to maintain your level of earnings.

Just give it a try and go from there. I think 42 is fine if you want to be a family then yes try. My top tip is go for it a few days before predicated ovulation not just on the day. Better earlier than after ! Might happened first month, but take a few. Start taking multi bit with folic acid for pregnancy and cut back the caffeine and wine to moderate intake It's all very well having a plan, but babies can't be planned.

You might plan to go back to work at 6 month, but feel you don't want to leave baby. You might be itching to get back at 4 months, sort of depends on the baby and your recovery. Or yes you could do shared maternity leave.

Childminders cheaper than day nursery. Depends on how long your working day is. Some childminders are more flexible than others and a lot of nurseries close are 7.30 - 6pm.