Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We should be leaving to go on holiday today

518 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:16

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 03/08/2019 14:56

It's all booked!! We were lucky in that the camping and caravan club allowed us to swap sites so last minute.

Bit disappointed as i fancied norfolk but i cant risk my dogs becoming unwell. Of course I know the whole of Norfolk isn't high risk but we had booked sandringham forest and there have been several cases. My dogs getting sick will finish me off.

OP posts:
NewName54321 · 03/08/2019 15:21

Go and enjoy your holiday. Switch your mobile phone off.

Whatever happens whilst you are away, it will not be your fault for going. Re-read the previous sentence until you believe it.

Going forward:-

  1. Book another holiday.
  1. Buy a new SIMS card for your phone and don't give her the number. Put the old SIMS in cheap mobile, use that number for everything related to DM (hospital, social services, her doctor) and get your DH to check it once a day.
  1. Work out what would be a reasonable amount of support to provide and then stick to it. It may be your DM's choice to live as she is, but it is your choice as to how much support you can provide.

If that leaves a gap, then so be it. If it gets to a point where you have safeguarding concerns, ring Adult Social Care and report it - but don't step in or you'll struggle to step out. Get your DH to advocate for you if you think you might get railroaded into agreeing to more than you can manage.

Flowers I completely sympathise as DM and I are in the same situation with DGM. It's tough because it's family, but your DM has to help herself first.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 03/08/2019 16:47

Just checking out the reviews for the campsite...turns out they have awful issues with mobile reception!!

Have done a shop for my mum and she's on top of her meds and taking everything the hospital gave her. She gave us some money for the holiday which made me feel bad but we've spent nigh on £100 on hospital visits this week - hospital 25 miles away.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 03/08/2019 16:50

Just checking out the reviews for the campsite...turns out they have awful issues with mobile reception!!

Oh dear that's a shame isn't it? Wink

BumbleBeee69 · 03/08/2019 17:05

good on you OP, get yourself Offski Flowers

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/08/2019 17:27

I find the whole of the sw shocking for signal.

There you go, you can tell her other people have problems there too 🤣

BasilTheGreat · 03/08/2019 17:42

Your dd is more important. You’ll never get that precious time back. GO!!

IHateUncleJamie · 03/08/2019 18:06

Well done, @TheoriginalLEM 👏👏 I love Devon. Make sure you have your phone on silent/off or give it to your DH for screening. I’m sure nothing will happen but regardless, you must go tomorrow and stay for the whole holiday. Not just for your sake but for the sake of your little family.

TheShuttle · 03/08/2019 18:07

Well done OP.

Wonkybanana · 03/08/2019 19:23

I really don't want to piss on your chips OP, but are you sure that this:

She gave us some money for the holiday which made me feel bad

isn't intended to give her (in her mind) some sort of hold over you? Either when you come back, or even if she decides to summon you while you're still away (if you say you can't afford it she'll say but she gave you some money)?

If she's the sort who would, give it back now - even if it would be really helpful to have it.

And have a lovely break with DH and DD. You all deserve it.

KennDodd · 03/08/2019 20:53

@TheoriginalLEM
Where in Devon are you going? I live in Devon, I'll bring you some cake and wine if you're close.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 03/08/2019 22:21

Kenn, we are going to lynton - i love it there. My DP took me on a surprise horse riding holiday many years ago so it have lovely memories.

We are always drawn back to Devon, I'd like to live there

OP posts:
ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 03/08/2019 22:23

Yay! Glad you are going! Have the best time!

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 03/08/2019 22:37

Wonky - she is always giving me money. I think she knows I find her difficult. She has always been thus, she never shows affection but gives me money. I'd rather she didn't to be honest, i do feel it's controlling or to ease her guilt.

It's funny, she's a fucking old bag - like Catherine tates nanna on steroids. But the flip.side is someone who would give you her last penny and would take on a lion to protect me - all 4 foot nothing of her!!

Interesting that somebody upthread suggested she has BPD as i actually have a diagnosis of this myself so i tend to catastrophise and over think, over react, i thankfully inherited some mellow genes from my poor old dad. My mother was an actual cunt to him throughout their marriage but when he developed Alzheimer's she cared for him and was so devoted to him, it's clear she adored him

Sorry, am rambling - this thread has been invaluable to me. I am still worried about leaving her but I've told her she must call 111 if she is unwell or call her Dr who does do home visits. We've done a shop for her so she has food as does her cat, and the stray cat oh and the bloody seagull that she had me climbing onto the shed to leave chicken on the roof for the fecker Grin

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 03/08/2019 22:40

There is s theory mh conditions are passed onto daughters more than sons.

Good luck.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 03/08/2019 22:44

Fluffy I know there is a genetic link with BPD, i had a good childhood but I'm an anxious mess. Interesting about it passing through to girls - there's a PhD thesis in there

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 03/08/2019 23:05

Its very likely she may have some sort of "health crisis" that will stop you going.

notimetolouse · 03/08/2019 23:40

You've done great. Parents can be a nightmare - I have one. Here's the deal: if you don't look after yourself, you can't look after her properly. You are most likely the most important person to her, so treat yourself that way.

It's not going to get any better, so get all the help you can, including on MN. There are lots of people in your situation who can help with advice and reassurance.

Vebrithien · 04/08/2019 06:39

Hope all goes well today and you get away without any shenanigans from your mother.
Make sure you have a Devon cream tea whilst you're there!

Nquartz · 04/08/2019 09:48

Hope you have a fab holiday & you're already on your way Smile

ssd · 04/08/2019 09:56

I love the sound of you and your mum. Your mum drives you bloody mad but you're still there for her. And she gives you money cos she knows there's nothing else she can give you. But she's got your back, even if you'd like to run away screaming.
My mum and me were like that. Mum was easier going than your mum though. But similar relationship. I miss her to my very core. Life is easier without her and I don't want the worry, hassle, etc back, and I don't want her suffering. But to have a ten minute cup of tea with her, I'd sell my soul for that.
Have a great holiday Lem, enjoy the break, your mum will be fine, she's coped with worse.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 04/08/2019 11:30

Currently sat in the customary traffic jam near Stonehenge Grin

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 04/08/2019 11:45

TheoriginalLEM have a great holiday

PostNotInHaste · 04/08/2019 11:47

I’m very late to this thread but delighted to find it just as you are enroute! I’ve followed your threads over the years and know full well what your Mother is like, mine was similar,

One thing that helped me when I had a bit of counselling and poured out an avalanche of guilt about various things is when my counsellor looked at me and said ‘is it your guilt to feel?’

The answer if you have a parent who has capacity and refuses help, is simply no it is not your guilt to feel. Have a lovely holiday.

HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 04/08/2019 11:58

Yay, great news, enjoy your holiday!