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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We should be leaving to go on holiday today

518 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:16

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 21:09

We will go Sunday as we aren't ready to go tomorrow and I've booked the new site from Sunday.

Picked my mum up and she Insisted on taking us to spoons for dinner Hmm weve told her we are going away but not sure she really took it on board. Have told her we are going for a few days.

I think she'll be ok now for a bit, as this is what usually happens. She'll be ok for a while and then it will slip

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 02/08/2019 21:38

Sometimes you have to let people fuck up thrift life in order to save yours - and DDs and DHs.

She's a cow who is abusing you and your good nature.

She refuses all help apart from you which is horrifically controlling and abusive.

Disengage. Go on holiday. Wash your hands if her as she certainly doesn't deserve any of your efforts having made absolutely zero effort herself.

Let her crash and burn if necessary. You cannot let this be your life. You are worth more than this.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2019 21:43

weve told her we are going away but not sure she really took it on board.

That's because she's sure that if she doesn't want you to go she'll be able to stop you by manufacturing a crisis. So to her, you aren't going, at least you aren't going if she doesn't want you to.

LovePoppy · 02/08/2019 21:46

I hope she actually allows you to leave.

I fear you’ll still be at her beck and call on holiday

BumbleBeee69 · 02/08/2019 21:52

Stand your ground OP. Do not let your Mother manipulate your DD's holiday. Flowers

Auntpetunia2015 · 02/08/2019 21:54

acrossthepond is right. Your mum didn’t take it in board because she isn’t going to let it happen. She’s ignored it and will now manufacture a problem which will keep you from going. She may as well have patted you on the head and said “of course you are Lem”! Because that’s what she was thinking.

You have to go away and you have to switch your phone off or else she is going to spoil your holiday. You need to realise you DONOT have to look after her there is other help available if she refuses it then she can manage on her own. You have to put yourself your dd and dh first for a change.

diddl · 02/08/2019 22:05

Why wouldn't she have "taken it on board"?

She can understand can't she?

Whether or not she thinks it will happen is not your concern.

If she has been told & has the ability to understand then that's OK.

ScrumpyBetty · 02/08/2019 22:07

Enjoy your holiday. You bloody deserve it.
Please please please do not cut your holiday short if she rings you after a few days. In fact, switch off your phone and give her the contact details of the emergency duty social care team, if she should need it.

AnneKipanki · 02/08/2019 22:54

Definitely switch phones off .
Do not tell her which site you are going to .

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2019 23:28

I wouldn't switch my phone off, but I would block Mum's number for the duration. If there is a true emergency you'd most likely be contacted by a third party (emergency services, hospital, etc).

Blocking numbers (IIRC) still allows leaving voicemails. You can have your DH listen to them with instructions to only let you know what's said if he feels it's a true emergency that needs attention to. If it's just her trying to manipulate/spoil your holiday, he can delete them.

Ginger1982 · 02/08/2019 23:55

Glad you are going.

You are my mum with my gran though she is most likely a lot older than you. My mum is trapped. She has no life of her own and is bitterly resentful. She should have stepped back years ago but didn't and now it's too late. She doesn't get to spend the time with me and DS that she would like and o worry that by the time my gran eventually dies there will be nothing but a shell left instead of my mum. She is being emotionally bled dry through a sense of obligation.

justilou1 · 03/08/2019 00:07

She’s planning her next move. I suspect your mother has a raging Borderline Personality Disorder, which is why she has dramas every time you and DD have tried to get away and do something for yourselves. While you are away, you can probably expect phone calls with “emergencies”. Be tough, tell her it’s too far for you to return in time and she will have to dial the emergency number and call for an ambulance/police/fire department/whatever.... and stay away and let them do their job. Don’t be guilt-tripped into returning home to sort her out. Just say “Oh, I’m so glad you’re safe....” and repeat as nauseum.

WellThisIsShit · 03/08/2019 00:14

I’m so glad you’re going!!!

Time to break through the trap you find yourself in. Not a moment too soon Flowers

ptumbi · 03/08/2019 07:38

Another one saying I think she'll find a way for you not to go. After all, if she 'allows' it this time, it's a precedent and may happen again - and she can't allow that.

Please please go. Don't be manipulated like this - she will be fine; have your holiday and set your own precedent.

PonderingPanda · 03/08/2019 07:58

@TheoriginalLEM any contact with your mum yet today?

If not expect her to start upping her requests. But you have to be non emotional and point out that if the hospital discharged her then she must be well enough to be at home....alone....

And if she isn't well then she needs to either contact the GP or phone an ambulance.

Either way she is fine.... either well enough to cope alone....in which case you don't need to go to her and can still go away.

Or

She needs to be in hospital....which means she is cared for and you can still go away...

Nquartz · 03/08/2019 08:00

@AcrossthePond55's advice re:blocking your mum's number(s) is very sound, please do this.

And enjoy your break!

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 03/08/2019 08:30

Pack today, op. Leave this afternoon and book a night in a Travelodge. That way, you stand a chance of getting away before any plan is implemented. Have a lovely holiday!

Inforthelonghaul · 03/08/2019 09:00

Make sure she has food for while you’re away then switch your phone off and go.

When you’re back set up a food delivery and reduce your visits. You need to stop enabling her to refuse all other offers of help and enable her instead to take some responsibility for her own happiness. You can do a lot of things but you can’t make someone else happy.

Inforthelonghaul · 03/08/2019 09:01

Have a brilliant holiday, put yourself and your family first. If your Mother did this you would be in Scotland already, be different to her.

LizzieSiddal · 03/08/2019 09:14
Flowers

If you can start putting you and your own family first, and stop letting your mother manipulate you, I can guarantee your mental health with improve.

Keep posting for advice- it will take time to adjust your way of reacting to your mum, but you and your family will be so match better off.x

Louloulovesyou · 03/08/2019 09:14

Stop being a people pleaser! (in terms of hospital, your mum). Who cares what the hospital thinks in terms of you changing your mind, you need to protect your mental health. Gather every bit of mental strength you have call hospital and say she cannot be discharged as you are going on holiday, do not let yourself be beaten down. You owe yourself more than you owe anyone else. Reclaim your autonomy!

LizzieSiddal · 03/08/2019 09:15

And have a fabulous holiday!!

greenwaterbottle · 03/08/2019 09:31

Make sure you set off super early Sunday, tell her midday, so there's no time for a disaster. Have fun

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 03/08/2019 10:32

So you couldnt make this up - checked the email from the campsite and it states it's in a high risk area for seasonal canine illness. I've got two dogs which are coming with us Angry

Thankfully it was a camping and caravan club site and they have allowed us to change sites. So now we are (hopefully) going to Devon. We always go to sodding devon- but i was under pressure to decide and picked that one. It has good reviews lets hope.

Thankyou for supporting me especially those of you in similar situations. I have read every single post

OP posts:
H2OH20Everywhere · 03/08/2019 10:35

Isn't it a pity you'll have no mobile reception there?

Hope you have a great time.

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