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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We should be leaving to go on holiday today

518 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:16

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

OP posts:
whataboutbob · 02/08/2019 15:09

“ pathological carer”

whataboutbob · 02/08/2019 15:09

“While you are on hols “

Cosentyx · 02/08/2019 15:13

Fuck that! I couldn't do that to my family and if I were your partner and you kept martyring yourself like that, you'd do it alone because I'd be off on hols with your DD. It's not fair on your DD to do this to her.

Yabbers · 02/08/2019 15:43

forecast for Scotland not great.

It never is, but worth a visit despite that 😄

Enjoy Norfolk. Remember your DD needs to see you are hers too. Remind your mum of that.

My mum turned herself inside out caring for my grandma. I hated seeing it and eventually she we got her to put her foot down and say grandma was getting carers, and going to respite when mum needed it.

If you are in a situation where you can’t win no matter what, always choose the option that works best for you.

Clankboing · 02/08/2019 16:34

I'm so glad that you're going to Norfolk.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 02/08/2019 16:37

forecast for Scotland not great.

Never is, it's part of our charm Grin

Summer was a Tuesday this year!

Glad you're getting away OP.

AlwaysCheddar · 02/08/2019 16:37

I’m glad you’re going. Your mum is nasty and dies t give a toss about you, so start being tough and putting you and your family first.

GiveMeHope103 · 02/08/2019 16:42

Lem I've seen you be so kind to posters over the years. Please show yourself some of this kindness as well.
This is a turning point for you and maybe the realization you need to put your own family first. Have a much deserved break and think about how you will be dealing with your mother when you are back. I hope you feel very empowered with this trip.

Rachelover40 · 02/08/2019 16:45

I am DELIGHTED you are going to Norfolk, op, have spent many happy holidays there. Lovely weather too, most of the time!

You've certainly made the correct decision. Well done.
Wine

NorberErratics · 02/08/2019 16:47

I don't find nosauce's response hurtful, fortunately- I wouldn't have posted unless it was something where I knew we'd made the right decision in the circumstances at the time. I can understand why someone who's not been there might find this surprising or even shocking.

legolimb · 02/08/2019 16:51

Enjoy your your holiday LEM.

Don't be guilted into cutting it short either.

Flowers
Sirzy · 02/08/2019 16:52

When my grandpa was in a hospice on end of life care we were due to go on holiday. We were all for cancelling but he was adement we went. We did it wasn’t the best holiday but we got a chance to relax.

When we got back he came out of the hospice and we spent the next 4 weeks tag teaming his care between Us. If we hadn’t had that break before I don’t think we could have mentally or physically coped with that.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 02/08/2019 17:01

I'm so pleased you are resolved to go on Sunday Lem

You can only give so much, and you seem to just give and give and give. That is not sustainable. Norfolk sounds lovely.

We shall all be watching for the update that you are on the road, firmly in holiday spirit, Sunday morning. Be warned. There are lots of us, so it is not going to be pretty if you don't do this :)

Auntpetunia2015 · 02/08/2019 17:03

Go on your holiday. My mum did this, it’s a form of bullying she refuses everything because she’s bullied you into thinking you must do it. Now is the perfect time to go away..she’s in hospital she’s safe. If they decide to discharge her they will do a risk assessment and if they contact you you say I’m away I can’t help ask social services to asses her and put a care plan in place. Then go and switch your phone off!

nilcarborundum · 02/08/2019 17:07

Speaking as a carer, I say go! The hospital won't be able to discharge her and she'll be in a safe place until you return. Be kind to yourself and you family, your mother never will xx

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/08/2019 17:10

Go, no question. Refuse to accept responsibility for her from the hospital. If they are discharging her it's up to them to ensure she can manage on her own. You are not her care package. They might then have to involve social services whether or not your DM likes it.

katewhinesalot · 02/08/2019 17:13

You know there will be a crisis before you go on Sunday don't you. Or if there isn't then something will happen to drag you back early. She isn't going to take this lying down.
You need to get the message through to her that if she feels ill or anything then she calls the doctor and sorts it herself. Remind her that she was pushing for the discharge and if anything happens then it's her fault. You won't be coming back I bet you do

If you do end up coming back then make sure you put things into place so this situation never arises again.

Make sure things don't go back to how they were. You give what you think is reasonable and she outsources the rest of her care. If she won't accept any, then she lives with the consequences.

SunshineCake · 02/08/2019 17:32

Please stay determined to go on Sunday.

Your priorities are
Your dds
You
Your dogs
Your dp
Your mother

Your mothers priorities are
Herself

I say go with the majority.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2019 18:01

I'm so glad you're going. Chances are once you stop being your mother's 'soft place to land' she'll start taking advantage of the services she's been offered in the past. Up to now she thinks why should she when you're at her beck and call!

There may be a rough patch this time since she's going to have to accept 'the new normal', but if you hang tough she'll figure it out!

Motoko · 02/08/2019 18:06

I remember your previous threads, where you got unanimous advice to put yourself and your DD and DP first, yet here you are again, obviously still not having taken the advice, and 16 pages of posters repeating it again.

I really, really, hope you do go away on Sunday, but why Sunday, and not tomorrow? What's this about needing to tidy up the van, considering you were supposed to be packing it today and leaving? Besides, it's not going to take all day to tidy it, you could do that today. It sounds like an excuse to delay going.

Don't let your daughter down on Sunday. You go to Norfolk, regardless of any "emergencies", or in a few years, you're going to find your daughter not wanting a relationship with you, because you were always putting your mother first, and letting your daughter down.

PeoniesarePink · 02/08/2019 18:08

Great update LEM. You deserve a rest and time out.

TheBigBallOfOil · 02/08/2019 18:08

Don’t have a go at her FFS!
Glad you are going. Enjoy. No guilt. You deserve a break.

IHateUncleJamie · 02/08/2019 18:13

I agree with pps advising going tomorrow if at all possible because pound to a penny, your mother will manufacture a “crisis” as a reason to keep you at home, @TheoriginalLEM.

This really is crunch time. Your daughter is 14 and up until now it sounds like your mother has been No. 1 priority in your life because that’s what you have been trained to believe. You have been manipulated and guilt tripped by your parent. Time to draw a line in the sand and say “From now on, my immediate family comes first”.

AnneKipanki · 02/08/2019 18:17

Yes . Go tomorrow!

DPotter · 02/08/2019 19:51

Go tomorrow- and turn off your phone!!!