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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We should be leaving to go on holiday today

518 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:16

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

OP posts:
Designerenvy · 03/08/2019 10:41

Your mum is safe in hospital. You have nothing to be guilty about.
Ask a neighbour to keep an eye on the cat.
Sounds like your Mum doesnt treat you very well, so you need this break .
Go, have fun, relax and you'll be better able to care for her on your return.
Self care is so important !
Might wake your Mum up too and make her realise you have your life to live !
Enjoy your time with your daughter, please go .

Designerenvy · 03/08/2019 10:44

Just realise your Mum is now home. Still go, have your break, she'll be fine. Don't let her control you / manipulate you. Stand your ground, you can do this !

notaflyingmonkey · 03/08/2019 11:13

For OP and anyone else in a similar situation, there is a brilliant ongoing thread where many of ask for and get support, or just vent. I have had some great advice on there.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3533423-The-second-new-shiny-2019-thread

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/08/2019 11:16

I’m another saying you should go. Put your dd, DH and self first. You’d be no good to her burnt out. There might need to be a crisis to have a change.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/08/2019 11:18

I’ll tell Devon to get the scones ready.

Tell her you won’t have phone reception when you’re away. Switch it and yourself off.

W1nnerW2nner · 03/08/2019 11:23

If you fill in a form at your local pharmacy they will deliver regular prescription medication for free. Just need to phone up each time to get it delivered. Take prescription when you fill out the form, the first time.

Get a cleaner in who will also chat to her. So ii gives her someone else to socialize with. Get a cleaner recommended by a friend

You have a family, you deserve a break too

azulmariposa · 03/08/2019 11:28

Why won't social services help?

Taichipandas · 03/08/2019 11:33

azulmariposa if you read the thread you will find that social services have offered to help but op's mother has rejected all of their offers.

Motoko · 03/08/2019 12:31

So now we are (hopefully) going to Devon.

So, if she plays up, you'll stay at home then? Why would you say "(hopefully)" otherwise?

It's your choice whether you let down your DD and DP, you can't blame your mother for that. YOUR CHOICE.

madcatladyforever · 03/08/2019 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/08/2019 12:38

It doesn't matter where you go as long as you do go. You all need a break,chill and spend some time as a family .

Hotterthanahotthing · 03/08/2019 12:39

You need to go and relax as much as you can.It is impossible to keep everyone happy but now it is your turn.
Go to Devon,the weather for Scotland is looking a bit iffy.

Wishihad · 03/08/2019 12:45

OP stop thinking like that.

You are going to Devon.

Not hopefully. You need to go.

I saw this situation destroy pils marriage. His mother was the same. Manipulative, tried to destroy any happiness they had.

They did manage to go on one holiday. Because I, dh (now ex), fils brother and wife and their adult kids ran interference.

We told her he was going 2 days later. Kept going in, so someone was there most of the days leading to him actually leaving. Surprisingly, the day she thought he was leaving we got a call from the warden where she lived. It was a group of supported living flats. I could hear her over the intercom threatening to kill herself if he didnt go over. Saying no one else could come near the flat and she was going to alot her own throat or through herself down the stairs.

I called the mental health crisis team and arrange for her to go into hospital for assesment. As soon as she was told he had already left and we could contact him, her demeanour changed. She calmed down and just started sulking.

She died a few years later, but fils and mils marriage was never the same after having years of everything being ruined. She faked overdose several times, just if them were going out for dinner. It was awful.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/08/2019 13:10

It doesn't matter if it's Devon or Alcatraz. What's important is that you get a change of scenery AND that you break the cycle. That's what this holiday is about. Breathing space.

Pellegrinopolly · 03/08/2019 13:20

You are unable to stand up to your mother. Stick to your original plans and go to Scotland or all of us on here will wash our hands of you

Fhs I'm not sure these sorts of badgering posts are altogether helpful. This is meant to be a supportive website. The op posted because she was feeling pressured and under the cosh. It's not exactly helpful to pressure her further surely?

It isn't easy standing up to people sometimes - that's the whole point - particularly when you are worried about their health. And when it's your parents, a different dynamic comes in to play altogether. Yes, we all know the op needs a break. But she needs the space to make that decision off her own bat and in her own time.

W1nnerW2nner · 03/08/2019 13:29

What would your DM do if you didn't live close ?
You need to protect your own health & family first, to have energy to be able to look after your DM

W1nnerW2nner · 03/08/2019 13:30

It's sunny in Scotland !

StupidlittlepricknamedRick · 03/08/2019 13:49

I will be very surprised if you do all go tomorrow. And I do actually hope you do.

NiktheGreek · 03/08/2019 13:57

Please go. That's all.

justasking111 · 03/08/2019 14:18

I wash my hands of this seeing you on lots of other threads on here. Scotland, Norfolk, Devon, are all full this weekend. I think you are dreaming of escape rather than actually doing anything.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/08/2019 14:20

Scotland, Norfolk, Devon, are all full this weekend

They're not car parks Confused

Motoko · 03/08/2019 14:23

I feel really sad for OP's daughter. I hope she and OP's partner still go away. It's really not fair to make them miss out on their holiday.

Mishappening · 03/08/2019 14:24

Just tell the ward that you are her carer and are going on holiday. They cannot discharge her with no care in place, so they will have to keep her. If she chooses to discharge herself than so but it - not your decision.

Go and enjoy a well-earned holiday!

TheShuttle · 03/08/2019 14:25

Please go OP. I have no memories of my mother growing up whatsoever beyond providing food. We never went anywhere or did anything together because of her caring responsibilities.

Don't let your daughter be a stranger to you. Go out and have some fun. Get some perspective on your situation.

Your mother can make her own poor choices in life without you to pick up the pieces for her. Then she might just make better ones.

PonderingPanda · 03/08/2019 14:50

Mishappening ...FGS....