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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH?

174 replies

StrawberryCrunch · 02/08/2019 08:55

DH owns his own business and works very long hours. He leaves at 6am and comes home around 7pm most nights, sometimes later dependant on what he has on.

I work 9-5 Mon-Fri in an office job which can be and often is high stress (solicitors).

We had an argument last night because I feel like he doesn't do anything around the house. The house is a bit of a tip at the moment I admit.

I do all the 'basic' stuff, cook tea every night, do all the laundry and washing up, general tidying, hoovering etc... I could do more in terms of cleaning but I feel like I get no help whatsoever and so it takes me twice as long to properly clean which I don't particularly want to do on my own after a shit week at work.

H said last night he thinks it's fair that I do all of the stuff in the house because he works more than me and because his job is manual he's more tired after work. He doesn't want to use his weekend to clean because it's the only time he gets (erm... Me too?!).

I've said I don't mind doing most stuff, which I already do because realistically I am there more than he is but AIBU to think that considering I am working full time, it shouldn't be left to me completely.

I was so mad last night, it's like every time the house is a bit of a mess it's implied that it's my fault even though he does fuck all in there. It's suggested that I get up earlier like he does so I can do a bit in the morning etc...

I could do more, I'm not the cleanest person in the world for sure but I hate that it's supposedly all down to me and I'm the reason we don't have s nice clean house all the time.

This is the first time he's ever made me feel like a 1950s house wife and I told him that's how it felt but he says it's nothing to do with that. He works more so should do less which I said fine, less but not none surely?!

OP posts:
NoSauce · 02/08/2019 09:00

He’s taking the absolute PISS.

Why should you do everything just because he’s out of the house longer? He’s wrong but I doubt he will change OP.

Why haven’t you got a cleaner?

Mishappening · 02/08/2019 09:01

It is a shared home and the chores should be shared.

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 09:01

If you work 9-5 what time do you leave and come home?

BaronessBomburst · 02/08/2019 09:02

How would he manage if he was running his business, but single? He'd have to do everything then.

Nanny0gg · 02/08/2019 09:04

How would it work if he lived on his own? ( distinct possibility)

MatildaTheCat · 02/08/2019 09:06

You don’t mention children so how come there is so much housework? Just do stuff as you go along and it never becomes a thing.

YANBU for wanting him to contribute to the household chores in some capacity though.

Countrylifeornot · 02/08/2019 09:08

Get him to pay a cleaner to do his share if the lazy git won't do it himself.

Original poster
StrawberryCrunch · 02/08/2019 09:08

I don't mention children in my OP sorry but there are 2.

I said to him last night if he wants a spotless house he can pay for a cleaner.

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 02/08/2019 09:08

Get a cleaner. I would if I could afford it. I hate cleaning

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 09:09

So you do everything for the 2 children too as well as work full time and look after the home?

Stop being a mug OP.

Haggisfish · 02/08/2019 09:10

Get a cleaner.

endofthelinefinally · 02/08/2019 09:11

2 children?
Who does the child related work?

Original poster
StrawberryCrunch · 02/08/2019 09:11

2 kids and 3 pets so it might not sound like a lot but when I'm doing it all myself, making tea for everyone every night, washing up every night, doing laundry every night, hoovering etc... It does take time and doesn't leave much else for cleaning unless I don't want to sit down at all in an evening.

The children are his but are with us half the week. They are both nearly 10 but aren't made to do anything so I end up tidying their room and just generally up after them as well which I'm not doing anymore. I think if it really isn't about gender then he can start teaching his children (boys) to clean up after themselves too.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 02/08/2019 09:12

If you can afford a cleaner, get one! Asap. 50/50 to pay them But I would also put boundaries in place. His laundry is his responsibility. His mess goes into a box out of the way, you do not sort it, he does. You cook and he washes up - otherwise you eat before he gets home and he sorts himself out.

If he wasn't living with you, he'd have to do everything regardless of his hours! Whereas your domestic chores life of doing 100% won't actually change if he wasn't around.

I would also be reconsidering having a partner who has decided he can just abdicate from housework because he 'needs downtime'. But considers you don't!

Original poster
StrawberryCrunch · 02/08/2019 09:13

I sit down all day though apparently. He doesn't appreciate that mental stress is tiring as well!

OP posts:
Grumpos · 02/08/2019 09:14

Totally unfair.

My partner works more hours than I do and pitches in just as much and probably sometimes does more, if I’ve had a full day of work then childcare etc.

I generally cook more and do more washing, clean the bathroom etc. But he does washing up, cleans kitchen, hoovers etc.

He does it because he lives in the house as well.

Going forward I would continue to do the basics that need doing for your own comfort - clean bathroom, run the hoover over etc but in terms of washing his clothes : nope. Picking up his bits and bobs he’s left around the house: nope - they go into a pile in the corner or a bag. Making him food: nope. You get my point.

I think whilst you have a little more time at home yes you probably will pick up the slack but that’s not really the issue, his lack of respect and care for you is the issue. What he’s saying is he doesn’t give a shit that you’re tired, that you work, that you manage two kids as well - he doesn’t care.

So that’s the problem you need to tackle.

ems137 · 02/08/2019 09:14

I'm sure he'd manage to do the basics if he lived alone!!

I think you should both give the house a big blitz one weekend and then it's so much easier to keep on top of. He needs to make sure he is picking up after himself and maybe does a certain job each evening.

I've got 4 kids, 2 of them pre-school so I understand the lack of time etc. I have found my own little routines of doing stuff and keeping on top of it all.

Thingsdogetbetter · 02/08/2019 09:15

Bloody hell, you're cleaning up 100% after the kids too! I presume you're doing the majority of childcare as well if he gets home so late and considers the weekend HIS time?. Sod that for a game of soldiers! Sack him off!

snitzelvoncrumb · 02/08/2019 09:16

Op is he ok with a messy house, or does he want the house clean?
I think you need a cleaner, but if that isn't a possibility draw up a chore chart and only do the chores on your part and let stuff pile up. Don't do his washing!

Original poster
StrawberryCrunch · 02/08/2019 09:17

I think you should both give the house a big blitz one weekend and then it's so much easier to keep on top of

This is what I would like to do. In fact, you'll laugh at this, I tried to do this last weekend but he told me to stop because he wanted to 'chill'. He wasn't helping me or anything but he wanted to 'chill' with me so didn't want me to clean.

You'll probably laugh at this as well but I'm pregnant too at the moment so feeling like shit already.

OP posts:
Grumpos · 02/08/2019 09:17

Just read the bit about Step kids and you having to tidy their room etc.

FUCK THAT

No. We have SC here part of the week and they are made to tidy before they go home. And if they don’t, I don’t do it for them.

So you have a partner who doesn’t respect you and he is teaching his kids to do the same.

Hah. I’d be making plans to move on from this. Take ur pets and your hoover and enjoy a clean home and self respect in peace!

5catsandus · 02/08/2019 09:19

Don’t ask him if you can have a cleaner. Just book one today! Twice a week for a few hours at a time while you’re at work. Hoovering, mopping dusting and bathrooms. That’s it. He won’t change so just make changes.

imablackstarnotapopstar · 02/08/2019 09:19

They're not even your kids! So you do everything in the house and look after his kids half the week and his ex looks after them the other half of the week while he expects his pipe and slippers when he comes in. He is using you. Tell him to pay for a cleaner and babysitter while you go and have a life!

BarbaraofSeville · 02/08/2019 09:20

I'm sure he'd manage to do the basics if he lived alone

More likely that he would live in a tip and eat takeaways.

Does he have to work those hours or is he hiding from domestic responsibility? The current situation seems especially unfair as you are picking up after his DC too.

Definitely get a cleaner, don't do his washing and get the DC on age appropriate chores so they don't turn into their father and expect a woman to pick up after them for the rest of their lives.

yikesanddang · 02/08/2019 09:20

Why do you state the hours he is out of the house but only state the hours you are working. I assume you have some sort of commute so his 6-7 is against your 8-6. Not just the hours you are at work. The extra 2 hours in the mornings are taken up with you getting HIS dc ready and to school. So in reality, he has 1 hour more than you. Yeah. He's a prick. You are his free maid. First time I've said this. LTB.