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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH?

174 replies

StrawberryCrunch · 02/08/2019 08:55

DH owns his own business and works very long hours. He leaves at 6am and comes home around 7pm most nights, sometimes later dependant on what he has on.

I work 9-5 Mon-Fri in an office job which can be and often is high stress (solicitors).

We had an argument last night because I feel like he doesn't do anything around the house. The house is a bit of a tip at the moment I admit.

I do all the 'basic' stuff, cook tea every night, do all the laundry and washing up, general tidying, hoovering etc... I could do more in terms of cleaning but I feel like I get no help whatsoever and so it takes me twice as long to properly clean which I don't particularly want to do on my own after a shit week at work.

H said last night he thinks it's fair that I do all of the stuff in the house because he works more than me and because his job is manual he's more tired after work. He doesn't want to use his weekend to clean because it's the only time he gets (erm... Me too?!).

I've said I don't mind doing most stuff, which I already do because realistically I am there more than he is but AIBU to think that considering I am working full time, it shouldn't be left to me completely.

I was so mad last night, it's like every time the house is a bit of a mess it's implied that it's my fault even though he does fuck all in there. It's suggested that I get up earlier like he does so I can do a bit in the morning etc...

I could do more, I'm not the cleanest person in the world for sure but I hate that it's supposedly all down to me and I'm the reason we don't have s nice clean house all the time.

This is the first time he's ever made me feel like a 1950s house wife and I told him that's how it felt but he says it's nothing to do with that. He works more so should do less which I said fine, less but not none surely?!

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 12:39

I would just book a cleaner tomorrow but we don't have a joint account so I'd end up paying for it out of mine.

Strawberry my dear, why do you accept this as a fact?
Why do you not challenge it?
You need to stop accepting his reasoning excuses & start giving him the hard logical facts. You cannot carry on like this, especially pregnant, & certainly not when there is a 3rd child in the mix.

He is abdicating all domestic responsibility under a smokescreen of work. He is dictating a false reality to you. Support yourself with the actual data (harping on about The List again!) & get your view heard.

Original poster
StrawberryCrunch · 02/08/2019 12:41

I imagine if I suggested we get a cleaner he'd call it a waste of money when I could just make a bit more effort in the house!

OP posts:
WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 02/08/2019 12:41

Haven't read the full thread but:

Get a cleaner.

Tell him to go fuck himself.

Original poster
StrawberryCrunch · 02/08/2019 12:41

But I'm looking into it anyway

OP posts:
Parky04 · 02/08/2019 12:42

You have to be on the same wavelength when it comes to housework; the DW and I share the load but we both do the minimum. Life is too short to worry about how clean the house is!

SignedUpJust4This · 02/08/2019 12:42

Tell him to get a childminder for his children then. See what he thinks about that cost.

Windygate · 02/08/2019 12:42

StrawberryCrunch he's telling you exactly who he is and what he thinks of you. He has zero respect for you. Your place in life is picking up his dirty underwear.

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 12:45

It's incredibly important to him and he's worked very hard to build it up

OP I expect YOU also find your career incredibly important, & have worked very hard at it. Stop buying this implication that his work is somehow more vital & consuming than yours.

Snowfalling · 02/08/2019 12:46

He is a lazy, selfish, entitled man. He has quite the air of the Lord of the Manor about him, hasn't he? His behaviour is awful and sexist, but the fact that you're pregnant makes his attitude disgusting.

blackcat86 · 02/08/2019 12:48

7 1/2 weeks and he's already started raising your wifely duties. I would recommend reading 'why does he do that' by lundy Bancroft. It may not feel like it applies to you but I'll bet you'll see some warning signs in there and youll learn why DH does what he does. I would start preparing your own support for when you have a newborn. Do you have your mum or someone else who can be supportive and help as your pregnancy progresses and in those early days?

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 12:50

To be honest if he has another 4-5 hours on his day to you I think it's fair.

To be factual, he doesn't.
He does approx 2.5 hours more x 5 a week - 12.5 hours.
While OP cooks, launders, cleans, meal plans, shops, tidies up after partner & kids as well as herself - because her DP apparently doesn't feel men or boys should have to - hoovers, dusts ... 7 days a week. That is as least a couple of hours a day x 7 = 14 hours.

Tell me again who is doing the more hours in a week, @Pickmeaholiday2019?!

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 12:52

@StrawberryCrunch - he'll pay mortgage

May I ask - is the mortgage deed in both of your names?

Quartz2208 · 02/08/2019 12:54

You need to sort this out and not with a cleaner, chores/tasks/finances etc

Original poster
StrawberryCrunch · 02/08/2019 12:55

is the mortgage deed in both of your names?

Yes

OP posts:
Coffeeandchocolate9 · 02/08/2019 12:55

Don't forget gets the kids up, washed, dressed and fed, organises school bags and PE kits and gets them to school on time. Winds them down, helps with homework, organises for the next day, ensures teeth brushed and in bed etc... HIS kids, not hers.

Millie2017 · 02/08/2019 12:56

“When he has a shower he will throw the towel on the floor rather than fold it on the radiator”
Wow. LTB for that alone.
And btw, my 4yr old puts her dirty clothes in the wash basket each night before bed and pulls the arms and legs out so that they are the right way round for the wash. She’s been doing this for about 2yrs now. Stop picking up dirty clothes from the children’s bedroom.
You sound like a bit of a martyr tbh.

Original poster
StrawberryCrunch · 02/08/2019 12:57

I don't take the kids to school or anything.

I clean up after them at home, cook their meals, make their packed lunches when they need them, do washing, and tidy their room.

DH does things like get them in the bath and make sure their teeth are brushed, put them to bed etc... I'm not trying to say I do everything for the kids because I don't but I do do most of the 'tidying' involved with them.

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 02/08/2019 12:58

I imagine if I suggested we get a cleaner he'd call it a waste of money when I could just make a bit more effort in the house!

Fucking hell - if you make more effort when he can’t even be bothered to pick up his own fucking towel?! Stop being such a doormat this sexist pig of a man has no respect for you. You are simply the child care/cleaner who also pays half the bills. If he refuses a cleaner then next tell him you won’t be looking after HIS kids anymore or cleaning up after them (or him for that matter) as you’re not his fucking house skivvy. He will then have to cut down his hours to parent his own kids, or change contact so he has them less and pays more in maintenance- but that’s not your problem.

SignedUpJust4This · 02/08/2019 13:05

How long have you been together and how long have you been married OP? I'd like to know how long he's had this vision of a nice little house servant lined up because he's got you exactly where he wants you.

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 13:06

I imagine if I suggested we get a cleaner he'd call it a waste of money when I could just make a bit more effort in the house!

Blimey. He really is a prize. Conversely, you could make no further effort whatsoever, & leave him to parent his own kids ....

Sorry OP, not a constructive remark. But if you are already able to picture how he will shut you down & shove you back into your maid's uniform ... well, his campaign against your autonomy has worked already, hasn't it? You will end up doing 18 hour days once you have 3 kids in this mix.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 02/08/2019 13:06

I clean up after them at home, cook their meals, make their packed lunches when they need them, do washing, and tidy their room.

All of which adds to the hours you are doing domestic service, and they're not even your children.

What do you do for the pets?

SilverySurfer · 02/08/2019 13:07

I assume your wedding vows went something like: love, honour, be part time nanny to step children, housekeeper, laundryperson and cook? If not, wipe that MUG off of your forehead.

You say he is caring and usually kind. I don't see evidence of either in his behaviour. A caring and kind person would not expect you to pick his clothes and towel up from the floor, leave stuff on kitchen worktops etc and although he is working longer hours than you, a caring and kind person would still do their share in the house. I don't see how he demonstrates any respect for you.

I don't think a cleaner is the answer if your house is untidy - most will not tidy so they will likely hoover around your DH's dirty underpants on the bedroom floor.

The longer you let this continue, the worse it will get, especially after the baby is born. I would put anything he drops or doesn't clear away into a bin bag and make it clear to him this bag will be put out on rubbish collection day and the contents will be lost forever. As far as your step children are concerned, they are old enough to deal with their own rooms and I would be closing the door on the squalor.

He is a lazy thoughtless, disrespectful arse and if you don't sort him out you will be enabling him for the next however many years you can stand being married to him.

Snowfalling · 02/08/2019 13:08

Op, the only things you DON'T do for his kids are school runs and bed and bath.

You are pregnant, he should be making sure you take it easy, not having a moan at you about housework.
He's not a good man, op.

TwistedStrawberry · 02/08/2019 13:09

I expect YOU also find your career incredibly important, & have worked very hard at it. Stop buying this implication that his work is somehow more vital & consuming than yours

^ so much this. It is so deeply ingrained^ in women to think that the bloody mans job is sooo much more important. Sod that.

I would also very much ignore all the 'helpful' Hmm advice on here, the posts telling you how to manage your time better, and meal plan better, and carry on being a housemaid better. Is that what you want for the next 20 years? Honestly, unless he sorted himself out i'd be out the door. That's just me though. Very low tolerance for bullshit from men.

Come on OP Smile

Howyiz · 02/08/2019 13:11

Don't go on strike, because he will just say you are being petty.
Move out for a few weeks to let him see how much you do for him and his kids. If after that he still doesn't start pulling his weight, I would move on. Life is too short and you can be sure it will only get worse when you have a child. Sort it out now!