Or is DH?

[StrawberryCrunch]

DH owns his own business and works very long hours. He leaves at 6am and comes home around 7pm most nights, sometimes later dependant on what he has on.

I work 9-5 Mon-Fri in an office job which can be and often is high stress (solicitors).

We had an argument last night because I feel like he doesn't do anything around the house. The house is a bit of a tip at the moment I admit.

I do all the 'basic' stuff, cook tea every night, do all the laundry and washing up, general tidying, hoovering etc... I could do more in terms of cleaning but I feel like I get no help whatsoever and so it takes me twice as long to properly clean which I don't particularly want to do on my own after a shit week at work.

H said last night he thinks it's fair that I do all of the stuff in the house because he works more than me and because his job is manual he's more tired after work. He doesn't want to use his weekend to clean because it's the only time he gets (erm... Me too?!).

I've said I don't mind doing most stuff, which I already do because realistically I am there more than he is but AIBU to think that considering I am working full time, it shouldn't be left to me completely.

I was so mad last night, it's like every time the house is a bit of a mess it's implied that it's my fault even though he does fuck all in there. It's suggested that I get up earlier like he does so I can do a bit in the morning etc...

I could do more, I'm not the cleanest person in the world for sure but I hate that it's supposedly all down to me and I'm the reason we don't have s nice clean house all the time.

This is the first time he's ever made me feel like a 1950s house wife and I told him that's how it felt but he says it's nothing to do with that. He works more so should do less which I said fine, less but not none surely?!

So he keeps "his" money.
You clean his house, cook, shop, work FT, look after his children and you are pregnant.
He runs his business.
Doesn't sound like you got the best end of the deal OP.

How are you going to manage when you have a newborn? Or will he say you have it easy because you are not "working"?
The "long hours" you describe sound pretty normal for many people.
(DH worked 12 hour days including every 4th weekend extra for over 30 years. He still did as much as he could on the home front, including taking the DC out to give me a break).

So he keeps "his" money

Hmm sort of but to be fair we both just pay an equal amount of bills out of our individual accounts i.e. he'll pay mortgage, I'll pay council tax, gas electric, water etc...

I think I'll speak to him about getting a joint account. I don't think he will mind at all to be honest I've just never wanted one before but can see the benefits.

He has more money technically because everything in the business account is his but it stays there because it needs to run the business.

But it isn't to his standards yet he won't help with it.

Sounds like he thinks he's your boss and all

yes and I do do everything as it is. But it isn't to his standards
And that seems like the crux of the matter. Have you addressed this point with him?
My standards are higher than my dh's, so i do more than him. I don't complain if he does stuff, though.

With a 9-5 job I don't understand why it's so hard to clean and cook. I do a 65 hour+ week and still have time for those things. This isn't about gender. It's about how many more hours you have away from work. To be honest, 20 minutes each morning would be enough for basic cleaning, leaving your weekends free. I don't see the problem

Yes PickMe. I agree this is a question of “division of labour” in one sense but so often the real theme is about control. He is yet another man who thinks he calls the shots because he has a dick. The OP’s contribution is not being valued and upping her cleaning game is not the way to manage the problem.

OP, you need a joint account, a cleaner (he can pay at least 50% of that cost) and no more cleaning up after his children and get this set in stone before a new baby arrives so he doesn’t try and marshall your “free time” when you’re on maternity leave.

U may have a stressful job but if my house was a tip that would stress me out! Cause arguments etc get it cleaned ! U will feel better for it ! If he won't help u don't be stubborn and not do it and if he wants to chill tell him u want to tidy first and it would be quicker with two it doesn't take a bloody weekend to clean a house unless your a hoarder. U have kids and pets so u know what he was like for a while now don't start complaining now

It the part where you mention it's not up to his standard that seems to be the issue.

If it's not up to his standard he can do it himself. Or you can both contribute and get a cleaner.

Alternatively (this can be an unpopular opinion/a bit random). But have you looked into the organised mum method? The housework aim is 45mins a day.
You can do bits at a time, change days around, pick and choose who does what.
She's just released a poster you can buy (or just look at) to give you a run down of what to do and how long to do it for .

One day you might e.g. do 30mins clean in the bedrooms and your DH can be in charge of the shorter wipe down of bathrooms, quick floor clean and putting on a load of laundry.

Then you swap. If he says he doesn't have 20-30 mins a day he's full of it.

DH and I have a cleaner and she is an absolute God send! I’d marry her if I could. She charges £30 per clean. She’s made our lives so much better. I haven’t picked up a duster or vacuum in months! She even empties the dishwasher and takes our bins out.

Can you minimise any clutter? That was life changing for us. Makes it so much easier to manage a home and reduces the mental load.

You need to push for a joint account for sure.

He needs to pull his weight OP, although I know it’s tough for you both working long hours. But I used to be out of the house 6.30 until 6.30 sometimes 7pm when I still lived on my own - I still had to clean and cook for myself, there was no one to help! It’s not an excuse.

It's not that the house is a tip in that there is clutter and shit everywhere. I actually 'tidy up' quite a lot as I'm going about various other things.

It's things like dusting, scrubbing down surfaces, mopping up, cleaning down the windows, giving the carpets a proper hoover rather than a quick once over etc...

When I say he doesn't do anything I mean he literally doesnt. He will leave his clothes at the side of the bed rather than put them in the wash basket downstairs and then complain that he has no clothes to wear.

When he has a shower he will throw the towel on the floor rather than fold it on the radiator and leave socks/underwear all over the floor. When he makes a brew in the morning before he leaves there will be sugar and tea stains all over the kitchen sides etc...

I will hold my hands up and say I could be better at cleaning but it's all these little things that build up and that I end up spending time doing every day so that we only live in a bit of a tip and not a complete one!

And yes I'll go and do all the food shopping after work or at the weekend. If we need milk it's left up to me to get it even though he doesn't tell me it's empty for example. If I forget something like cat food and ask him to pick some up on his way home he won't and he'll get back and say he wasn't stopping now, he just wanted to get home.

My DP works from 8am-12am Mon-Fri in a very high pressured job. I work 9am-6/7pm also in a high pressured job, but as I am home earlier I do the housework and cleaning. We have a cleaner that comes once a week for 3 hours (which DP pays for). DP will chip in where he can by taking the bins out, but he is very tired and I wouldn't expect him to be doing lots of housework. On weekends we like to spend time together and not do the housework so this happens during the week.

Can you afford a cleaner? If so I would recommend you get one as they are a god send! This is probably an unpopular view but your DH is working longer hours, in a manual job nonetheless which is more tiring than an office job (although that is mentally draining). As an equal partnership you should both help out where you can. Even if your DH takes the bins out, wipes the sides down etc it all helps

*When I say he doesn't do anything I mean he literally doesnt. He will leave his clothes at the side of the bed rather than put them in the wash basket downstairs and then complain that he has no clothes to wear.

When he has a shower he will throw the towel on the floor rather than fold it on the radiator and leave socks/underwear all over the floor. When he makes a brew in the morning before he leaves there will be sugar and tea stains all over the kitchen sides etc...*

That's even worse. He actually does think you are his slave. Does he even spread his arse cheeks for you to wipe??

What a disgusting man.

Every time he throws a towel on the floor he is saying 'I will leave that for her'. That's his level of disrespect for you. I would lose my shit if my DH treated me like that. And he works 6am til 7pm and some weekends.

I'm getting some quotes for cleaners. Have got one coming next week to do a quote.

I know he won't do as much as me because I'm there more. I understand that and I am completely okay with it. But it just annoys me so much that he won't even do small things to help like take his own clothes down to the washing machine, fold his towels, wipe down the kitchen sides when he's made a brew, take his mugs into the kitchen when he's finished, make tea for me once in a while etc... He's quite happy to sit down after work and watch me do it. And yes I don't work as much as he does but I do work bloody hard and it would be nice to feel appreciated.

Wow having read that he doesn't even hang his towel up that is really bad! You should leave it there and he can reuse it damp!

ask him what her you look like a maid. You don’t have to clean up after him. He does nothing to support you so his working hours are his business. It’s not your fault that you have better hours. You are each 50% responsible for your household. He can either do his 50% or get a cleaner to do it. Anything less is unfair - unless he wants to start taking on a higher percentage of the bills to compensate for the lack of chores.

Also a cleaner will not solve your problems as they generally dont follow grown men around picking up their pants and wet towels. What he needs is a mother.

Ok in light of your recent update he's a dick.

I'd seriously start leaving all his crap he's left around the house on his side of the bed. Wet towels/dirty underwear the lot. He can do with it as he pleases.

Tell him so too. If his things get left on the floor rather than in the basket they will not be washed. He cannot expect a certain standard of cleanliness if he doesn't even respect it on a basic level.

Also a cleaner will not solve your problems as they generally dont follow grown men around picking up their pants and wet towels. What he needs is a mother

Yes I agree, I said to him last night that I'm not his fucking mum. I am going to stop those little bits now. It will annoy the hell out of me seeing it on the floor but I will just leave it now.

It's things like dusting and cleaning that I would like help with in the form of a cleaner maybe even just a one off every once in a while.

Wow....he literally has no respect for you. I suspect he will get even worse when you are on mat leave .

Why don't u do most of your food shopping online etc just little bits to give you extra time ? That way it's easier to plan meals etc I know I would do it if I was having time issues u can even pick it up on your way back from work ! Think time management! Theres so many little things u can do to give yourself extra time ! Slow cooker meals for example. How old are your kids can they help out of not let them spend an extra hour at daycare etc it all helps

own clothes down to the washing machine, fold his towels, wipe down the kitchen sides when he's made a brew, take his mugs into the kitchen when he's finished, make tea for me once in a while

Every single time he does this he's saying 'my time is more important than hers. That's a womans job'. I really can't comprehend how you haven't gone into a murderous rage yet. This makes me so angry..

Who are all these shitty men who think they can still live in the 50s and yet not provide for their wives and children as in the 50s. Just because women can have it all now doesn't mean we have to do it all. And I honestly can't fathom why he thinks you owe him anything. It is not your fault his job is harder and longer than yours.

Do not lift a fucking finger for him. Unless it's the middle one.

You have 13 hours more at home time than your DH does. Of course you should pick up the slack for general house work. Or mutually agree to get a cleaner.

And I wonder how many actual hours she spends raising and caring for HIS children, cooking cleaning laundry shopping doing all the housework and admin? I'd bet my bottom dollar what she does is way more than 13 hours. It would be an interesting exercise to do, OP, to log the hours you spend doing housework, as it seems he is getting way more hours to sit on his arse doing nothing. And how does he propose it to work when baby is born? I bet you'll be getting up in the night until kingdom comes, and doing all of the above plus everything for baby on your 2 hours broken sleep a night

You're right to go on strike. I'd also be being a much, much bigger thorn in his side until he learns that frankly doing a bit of housework is by far the easier option - happy wife happy life and all that

And if he dares say his job is more physical and you sit on your arse all day again give him a list of non-physical house tasks that are his to do now - online shopping, meal planning, buying kids stuff online, all the birthday presents and cards, bill paying banking etc.