Or is DH?

[StrawberryCrunch]

DH owns his own business and works very long hours. He leaves at 6am and comes home around 7pm most nights, sometimes later dependant on what he has on.

I work 9-5 Mon-Fri in an office job which can be and often is high stress (solicitors).

We had an argument last night because I feel like he doesn't do anything around the house. The house is a bit of a tip at the moment I admit.

I do all the 'basic' stuff, cook tea every night, do all the laundry and washing up, general tidying, hoovering etc... I could do more in terms of cleaning but I feel like I get no help whatsoever and so it takes me twice as long to properly clean which I don't particularly want to do on my own after a shit week at work.

H said last night he thinks it's fair that I do all of the stuff in the house because he works more than me and because his job is manual he's more tired after work. He doesn't want to use his weekend to clean because it's the only time he gets (erm... Me too?!).

I've said I don't mind doing most stuff, which I already do because realistically I am there more than he is but AIBU to think that considering I am working full time, it shouldn't be left to me completely.

I was so mad last night, it's like every time the house is a bit of a mess it's implied that it's my fault even though he does fuck all in there. It's suggested that I get up earlier like he does so I can do a bit in the morning etc...

I could do more, I'm not the cleanest person in the world for sure but I hate that it's supposedly all down to me and I'm the reason we don't have s nice clean house all the time.

This is the first time he's ever made me feel like a 1950s house wife and I told him that's how it felt but he says it's nothing to do with that. He works more so should do less which I said fine, less but not none surely?!

The kids are old enough to be doing some bits.
I feel bad for their future partners if this is the example he's setting for them!
Yanbu

Why does a man with 2 children expect his life to be even easier than a single man's would be? Because he has a wife that's why and it womans work. A single man would still have to do his own cleaning and washing. What an absolute lazy sexist prick.

Whoever's home first cooks the dinner. Everything else is shared equally.

He either agrees to a cleaner, or finds a way to do his share in his own time. He's absolutely taking the piss.

Yes what time do you leave the house and get home? You're away for longer than 9-5 surely?

I'd be very concerned about his refusal to do anything. How is this going to work when your baby's born. Obviously getting a cleaner will help immensely (and he MUST contribute to that as he and his DC make at least half the mess) but that doesn't address the deeper issue that he's treating you like a skivvy. Perhaps that's the reason the first marriage failed.

Theyre not even your kids?! Fucking hell OP he really did well when he landed you.

The fact that his job is physical is his problem. If he wants to sit at a desk all day he should re train. Many women are nursery workers - doesn't mean they get to neglect their children when they come home because they are tired of looking after kids.

Honestly if he's treating you like a 50s housewife and you don't even have kids with him I'd get rid. This type of arsehole never changes. Think how easy your life would be without him.

He wasn't married before.

I do leave the house slightly earlier than 9-5 but not by much (my work is only a 15 minute walk away). I'd say I typically get home about 5:30ish.

I would just book a cleaner tomorrow but we don't have a joint account so I'd end up paying for it out of mine.

How do your earnings compare?

Your post makes me so mad! I hate how it's such a common occurrence for lazy men to do fuck all, and women to just complain whilst nothing changes.
You work FT, you can not do all of the cooking, tidying and cleaning!
Have it out with him, you aren't being unreasonable, you can ask tell someone who makes half of the mess to clean up after themselves, and while you're at it he can make dinner Monday - Wednesday.
I couldn't imagine marrying or staying with someone who expects you to do that?!! How have you not give him an ultimatum before now?!
You must be absolutely shattered!

I don't look after the kids in the way of taking them to school etc... But I do do the chore side of things for them i.e. cooking, tidying their room/general mess, washing etc...

How do your earnings compare?

His business is doing really well but it's in the business account. In terms of what we actually take home every month, I take more but technically he has more because the business profits are his.

He’s got this slave thing sussed hasn’t he!? I’d really recommend getting the joint finances sorted before the baby arrives as well as jointly paying for a cleaner - he’s royally taking the piss.

Apart from sperm (which is easily obtained) and company (I prefer friends who don't treat me like servants) what does this man actually bring to your life?

At the risk of sounding like a ridiculous woman, I do love him. He is funny, and caring and usually kind (as I say, this is the first time he's really said anything like this).

I've mentioned it in the past before and he seems like he appreciates it and things pick up a bit, does a bit more around the house but then it drops again when he's stressed with work. Until last night when he told me what he obviously thinks, that I should do it all.

So he has a job (slow hand clap) and only has his children part time and does nothing around the house yet he calls you lazy?

Definitely get a joint account and access to some of those profits when baby comes because half of those earnings are yours. You are facilitating his career by looking after his children and his washing.

What was your parents relationship like OP?i think you need to seriouy raise your expectations of what a partnership is.

You're both working very hard, and your DH is right that you both need to chill at the weekends, not spend 5 days a week working hard at your jobs and then two days working hard at home - that's no life.

As a compromise, perhaps Saturday could be a housework day for both of you and Sunday could be a chill day, when you just potter around or veg out with no cooking and no duties except you both do the washing-up together and have a ten-minute tidy-round before you go to bed.

We can't all afford the luxury of having other people to clean up after us, but maybe you can get a cleaner in to do a blitz once every month or two if it's too expensive on a regular basis.

@Grumpos

Going forward I would continue to do the basics that need doing for your own comfort - clean bathroom, run the hoover over etc but in terms of washing his clothes : nope. Picking up his bits and bobs he’s left around the house: nope - they go into a pile in the corner or a bag. Making him food: nope. You get my point.

This seems petty, pointless and passive-aggressive - much better to just talk about the situation together and find a solution everyone's happy with, surely?

You are his housemaid. How does he think you will manage all this once you have a newborn to care for as well?

He sounds selfish and lazy. I would be going for the nuclear option here. either he shapes up or you are shipping out.

Sorry OP. He's not caring. He let's you do all the work because you were born with ovaries and are less important than him. He is having a child with you and not sharing his earnings.

To be fair my Dad was pretty good around the house. He lives alone now and his house is always nice and tidy so I've not got it from there.

I know I sound like it right now but I'm not some weak woman who takes whatever shit is thrown her way. I do stand up for myself most of the time although I sound pretty pathetic in this situation!

I have told him I'm not going to do it anymore, he can see how much I really do for him and the kids because I'll stop doing it.

I won't stop actually caring for the kids of course because it's not their fault and I do love them but I'm not tidying their room, their clothes up off the bathroom floor etc...

Are your 3 pets alone all day?

Definitely hire a cleaner. To be fair, I work long hours and don’t do much around the house because I’m hardly ever there and if I was being asked to spend my weekends tidying I’d be telling my DH to sod off.

Quite right. Nip this shit in the bud.

If he wants a 1950s housewife he needs to get off his ass and earn more money to keep a wife at home.

Obviously you love him and love this lifestyle though, given you’re pregnant.

Be careful when you go on mat leave. It's OK doing this stuff on mat leave but he should be helping out as you will be tired and busy with newborn. When you go back to work you go back to 50:50 housework

Are your 3 pets alone all day?

No. Well two of them are cats so technically yes but they are outside all day. The dog goes to work with him.

He's being an arse and he's lucky you do anything at all. We have this argument periodically and I know there are no easy answers, but if you give in even slightly you will be doing it forever. If you ate both working ft then neither of you has time to be a housewife, so you need a cleaner. If he doesn't like the idea tell him it's that or do it himself, you are already doing more than your share and it's not up to you to pick up his slack. And if he's only doing manual work all that time and you are using your brain then you are working harder than him and his job in no way outranks yours.

To be fair, I work long hours and don’t do much around the house because I’m hardly ever there and if I was being asked to spend my weekends tidying I’d be telling my DH to sod off

That's fine but I don't want to do that either. If we just both helped each other out a bit in the week there would be no need to spend all weekend cleaning. Not everyone can afford a cleaner to come all the time.