Or is DH?

[StrawberryCrunch]

DH owns his own business and works very long hours. He leaves at 6am and comes home around 7pm most nights, sometimes later dependant on what he has on.

I work 9-5 Mon-Fri in an office job which can be and often is high stress (solicitors).

We had an argument last night because I feel like he doesn't do anything around the house. The house is a bit of a tip at the moment I admit.

I do all the 'basic' stuff, cook tea every night, do all the laundry and washing up, general tidying, hoovering etc... I could do more in terms of cleaning but I feel like I get no help whatsoever and so it takes me twice as long to properly clean which I don't particularly want to do on my own after a shit week at work.

H said last night he thinks it's fair that I do all of the stuff in the house because he works more than me and because his job is manual he's more tired after work. He doesn't want to use his weekend to clean because it's the only time he gets (erm... Me too?!).

I've said I don't mind doing most stuff, which I already do because realistically I am there more than he is but AIBU to think that considering I am working full time, it shouldn't be left to me completely.

I was so mad last night, it's like every time the house is a bit of a mess it's implied that it's my fault even though he does fuck all in there. It's suggested that I get up earlier like he does so I can do a bit in the morning etc...

I could do more, I'm not the cleanest person in the world for sure but I hate that it's supposedly all down to me and I'm the reason we don't have s nice clean house all the time.

This is the first time he's ever made me feel like a 1950s house wife and I told him that's how it felt but he says it's nothing to do with that. He works more so should do less which I said fine, less but not none surely?!

I wasn't even particularly unhappy before this conversation last night.

Like I said, we've had these conversations before and they have never turned into arguments. It's just been little gripes that I've spoken to him about and then he's got better at (for a while) until he gets stressed with work again and then it goes down hill till I mention it.

Last night was the first time we properly shouted /argued about it. It only came up because he was moaning about the house needing a clean so I said you can help me do it if you like and it went from there...

YANBU.
Keeping house is a FT job in and of itself when kids and pets are involved.
You already work FT (40hrs/wk) He works FT+ (60hrs/wk)
You can’t do two FT jobs, but he can’t really add a PT job of helping out either.
Your cleaner idea is the most logical way forward imho. It should come out of his pay because you will still be doing stuff PT like cooking, child care, growing a baby, etc.

So you are lumped with all the parenting responsibilities after working all day. No wonder you don’t feel like cleaning. He’s being a dick

I actually listed all the stuff I do on a daily basis cleaning up after him and he said well what about the stuff I do so I questioned him and said 'go on what do you do?' and he didn't have anything to say and actually started laughing because he couldn't think of anything (that was before it escalated into a proper arguement).

and he didn't have anything to say and actually started laughing because he couldn't think of anything

Hilarious that he does nothing......oh that would have riled me right up

DH is shit at cleaning. Even if he does do something its usually because I've asked rather than because he's seen it needs doing. This is with the exception of loading and unloading the dishwasher after dinner because I'm usually asleep on the sofa by that point after getting up with the baby. Have you considered a robot hoover? I find it invaluable as its like someone hoovering for you whilst you do something else. The reality is you wont be able to keep it up for much longer. You'll get more pregnant, tired and pissed off, and then you'll be up half the night with a newborn. There needs to be a discussion about how things will charge whether that's organising a weekly online food shop and robot hoover, getting a cleaner, DH contributing properly, whatever it is.

He needs to pay for a cleaner to do his share that he can’t do because he’s working longer hours earning money (that can pay for the cleaner). Sounds like you are ok covering your half of the housework?

Christ OP his work excuse is just that; an excuse (I know you know that).

I’m a SAHM to toddler twins and my DH knows that I can’t see to their needs and keep a spotless house at the same time (the twins are like a tornado!)

We did have to argue to get it all out in the air, not ideal and thankfully when the twins were away for the day with my Mum. I told him in no uncertain terms that tiredness is not a fucking competition, we both have our reasons to be knackered, I’m not his housemaid and I’m certainly not his fucking mother. I will not pick up after him, he isn’t one of my children, he’s supposed to be my ‘partner’. He has a fairly standard job and yes, does sit down for the majority of the day at work, but his work has its pressures and I respect that, he didn’t seem to respect that I’m often running about like a headless chicken to try and keep on top of everything.

In the end I simply said to him, you can stop helping with the housework when you stop contributing to the mess.

Also threw in how extremely unattractive it is to feel like I had to look after him as though he was a toddler too.

It sounds harsh - his opinion was erring on the side of “you’re the SAHM, you do all the work”.

He’s improved a lot since we cleared the air and I hope you find a way to make your DH see sense too. It’s so demeaning that he feels he can add to your workload because he’s tired, so what, we’re all tired to some degree aren’t we? But we get on with it.

Why are you having a baby with this man. Get a cleaner and dishwasher. Train the stepkids to help, it will make them feel at home.
Does he do the 'man jobs' empty bins, gardening, put up shelves, carry shopping etc?
This will not get better on maternity leave, sort it out now. God luck.

Sounds like you are ok covering your half of the housework?

Yes completely. Even doing more then my half because I'm there more. Just not everything! And then being told what I am doing isn't enough when he doesn't do fuck all.

OK so he works an 11 hour day.
You work an 8 - 9 hour day (guessing as don;t know your commute time)
You also put in AT LEAST 2 - 3 hours a day looking after kids & pets, which your partner does not.

So in effect you are both working an 11 hour day. Before any housework.
Except you are doubtless also doing the 2 - 3 hours kids/pets stuff at the weekends too, so actually - YOU WORK LONGER HOURS THAT HE DOES.

The housework needs to be divvied out equally, as you work (almost) equally ... in fact you work more & I feel he needs to be made to understand that childcare is actually - ya know - work.

Why does the entitled brat (your dp) feel that HE should get a all weekend off, every weekend - but you don't deserve one?
Why is he whining that his job is physical so he is tired?
If your job is brain-based, then you are mentally tired. Same rules apply. You are also tired from 'wifework' (arrrgh) for kids & pets.

If he cannot agree to accept 50% responsibility for the housework, he needs to pay a professional to do it for him. If a cleaner can be afforded, I would get one asap. But he ALSO needs to step up around HIS KIDS & stop expecting that you should do all the parenting just because he is "tired". He could have thought about how tiring being a working parent is before he chose to have them. Is he just foisting all that mental effort, emotional care & household admin onto you because in fact ... he IS an unreconstructed 1950's husband?

Good luck, obvs!
Get money sorted too. If you pay cleaner he takes on council tax etc. Joint account is good but make sure you don't pay in more than your share. Hope mortgage is in both your names

Train the stepkids to help, it will make them feel at home

I am 100% speaking to him about this later. I am not cleaning up for the kids anymore. Obviously kids are messy and there will always be a certain degree of cleaning up after but I'm not tidying up their room etc... Anymore.

I've already one incident when I asked them to tidy their room and they said 'mummy does it at her house' so they already sound like they are on their way to his way of thinking.

I'm not doing it. I'm going to tell him tonight that he can tell the children that they start doing age appropriate stuff now. They can pick up their clothes off the floor and put them in the wash basket, make their beds and bring mugs etc out of their room, they can generally tidy up after themselves and open their curtains in the morning. They are nearly 10 not 2.

Whoa so before you've had discussions about it and not turned into a fight. But hey now you're pregnant (and presumably a bit more tied to him) he's telling you how it is and wifey needs to pick up the slack?

Am I the only one thinking his true colours are showing now he thinks he has his kids' carer and housekeeper sorted?

Sorry op. He sounds like a dick. Not because he works long hours. Not because he wants a tidy home. But because his attitude towards you is so shit.

My dh works long hours. He is always suggesting we get a cleaner to make it easier on me as he knows he's not around as much (and to be fair fairly shit at cleaning)

But that's his answer to his pregnant wife (who can't afford the expense of a cleaner by herself cause there's no joint account)?

Sorry but I think you have bigger problems than the cleaning.

In the light of your update, i would have a box upstairs and one downstairs into which i would lob all his stuff that he leaves for you. Wet towels, dirty pants, apple cores, teabags left on the side, dirty mugs. Everything. Then it's not cluttering up your life, but you are no longer making his life one of no contribution. You can tell him you are going to do this, if it makes you feel better, or just start implementing it. It seems strange that he behaves like this, whilst moaning that your standards aren't as high as his.

It seems strange that he behaves like this, whilst moaning that your standards aren't as high as his

He doesn't have the time or energy to do things to his standard. Makes him sound like he'd be some domestic god if he didn't work long hours. He wouldn't. I knew him before the business and he was a bit tidier but not anything miraculous. It's an excuse as to why he can't possibly do it.

Quick think is right. There are. Much bigger problems and inequalities here than a cleaner can solve. He needs to start doing age appropriate tasks too. Like hang up his own wet towel FFS. Do not do any of his washing. Do not pick up any of his stuff. Is your mortgage shared OP?

Is your mortgage shared OP?

Yes.

I'm going to stop doing all the stuff a grown man should be doing i.e. the towel etc... If he doesn't like it looking like that he can put it away.

I've mentioned it in the past before and he seems like he appreciates it and things pick up a bit, does a bit more around the house but then it drops again when he's stressed with work.

Pardon my wrath, but men with this attitude are so frustrating. Needing to have it pointed out that work in the home is JUST as draining as paid work, but only actually pulling their finger out when nagged, cajoled or pleaded with.

I think a lot of them frankly have comprehension issues with it. Hence yours feeling that "if he gets stressed with work" it's just dandy to slack off any house chores ... after all, he has a woman living with him, she'll just take over his responsibility & HER stress isn't important & doesn't count.

If I were you I would make a simple list or spreadsheet, detailing EXACT hours.
His are easy - 1 column showing 11 hours a day with all weekends off.
Yours is more complex, & he needs to understand it. 8.5 hours work, 3 hours child-related care, 1 hour dogs, weekend hours, x hours hoovering etc etc.
Then you show him how the totals add up & that your column FAR outweighs his in workload.

If he doesn't then agree that he needs to either step up or pay a professional cleaner, your cause is lost. But then at least you know that he DOES in fact view you as a 1950's housewife, & inform your decisions about any future with him accordingly.

Has this got worse since you've been pregnant? Me and a lot of the new mums I've met are confident, independent women with decent full time jobs. When they were pregnant their DHs started to show some of their true views about women and this got worse after the baby was born. For some reason a lot of these men seem to have the propensity to dance of the line of abuse and let their shittiness come out when they think you're vulnerable and trapped. Make sure you go back to work once your mat pay finishes to help the balance of power.

He works more so should do less which I said fine, less but not none surely?!

He is deluded. He has almost got YOU believing it too. He actually works fewer hours than you do. See above. Please action & implement The List!

Has this got worse since you've been pregnant?

It's too early to tell really, I'm only 7 and a half weeks. Only just starting to feel like utter shit this past week

I added up my hours when I was on maternity leave. I had a non sleeping baby. I was working 18 hour days.

I was utterly exhausted in the early stages of pregnancy OP. I slept all weekend and my DH just brought me food to throw up. He should be looking after you. Not whinging about your housekeeping. How long have you been together?

Get a cleaner.
And stop cleaning up after SC
Are you sure he is working all those hours?.
He could be avoiding coming home early so as not to be asked to help.