Or is DH?

[StrawberryCrunch]

DH owns his own business and works very long hours. He leaves at 6am and comes home around 7pm most nights, sometimes later dependant on what he has on.

I work 9-5 Mon-Fri in an office job which can be and often is high stress (solicitors).

We had an argument last night because I feel like he doesn't do anything around the house. The house is a bit of a tip at the moment I admit.

I do all the 'basic' stuff, cook tea every night, do all the laundry and washing up, general tidying, hoovering etc... I could do more in terms of cleaning but I feel like I get no help whatsoever and so it takes me twice as long to properly clean which I don't particularly want to do on my own after a shit week at work.

H said last night he thinks it's fair that I do all of the stuff in the house because he works more than me and because his job is manual he's more tired after work. He doesn't want to use his weekend to clean because it's the only time he gets (erm... Me too?!).

I've said I don't mind doing most stuff, which I already do because realistically I am there more than he is but AIBU to think that considering I am working full time, it shouldn't be left to me completely.

I was so mad last night, it's like every time the house is a bit of a mess it's implied that it's my fault even though he does fuck all in there. It's suggested that I get up earlier like he does so I can do a bit in the morning etc...

I could do more, I'm not the cleanest person in the world for sure but I hate that it's supposedly all down to me and I'm the reason we don't have s nice clean house all the time.

This is the first time he's ever made me feel like a 1950s house wife and I told him that's how it felt but he says it's nothing to do with that. He works more so should do less which I said fine, less but not none surely?!

This is how we do it in our house

Home first cooks
Other person washes up and tidies kitchen

Alternate doing bedtimes. Other person puts a load of washing on, other load away(don't iron) and walks dog, sometimes runs a hoover round.

Saturday morning I clean bathrooms while DH changes sheets, dusts and hoovers. Takes less than 1 hour.

We both enjoy gardening and tidying the garden so that's not really a chore.

Once a month we work together to do a deeper clean of a particular area.

He puts bins out and I do house admin

Food shopping ordered online.

I second getting a cleaner. If you don't want to do it. He doesn't want to do it. You will have to split a cleaner 50/50. Like you will childcare costs when you go back to work after maternity leave.
Make life easy for yourself and get a joint bank account.

@StrawberryCrunch I bet if he worked part time, he’d still not do ANY housework. He’s using your hours as an excuse.
Get a cleaner.

Cleaner 2 hrs a week - 20-30 a week

Not everyone can afford a cleaner to come all the time.

We don’t. DH and DC do general every day tidying (of any mess they have caused because I’m not home) and then we have a monthly cleaner come in and do a deep clean on things like oven, windows, etc. It costs £30 a month.

What a sexist arsehole, he's 100% in the wrong, stand your ground and don't allow you DC to think this is the norm in relationships, that women are the slaves

He leaves at 6am and comes home around 7pm most nights, sometimes later dependant on what he has on. I work 9-5 Mon-Fri in an office job which can be and often is high stress (solicitors). I do leave the house slightly earlier than 9-5 but not by much (my work is only a 15 minute walk away). I'd say I typically get home about 5:30ish.

So, DH is out of the house (6am to 7pm) 13 hours a day, so 65 hours per week
You are out of house (8.15am to 5.30pm) 9 hrs 45 mins, 48 hours 15 mins per week.

You have 13 hours more at home time than your DH does. Of course you should pick up the slack for general house work. Or mutually agree to get a cleaner.

The kids are old enough to pick up their own shit. Presumably he can stick his own pants in the laundry basket?

I got a quote for a cleaner about 6 months ago and it was extortionate. Over £100 for one clean.

I will have a look later for some others in the area.

£100?

Is this a drip feed and you live in a palace?

Of course you should pick up the slack for general house work. Or mutually agree to get a cleaner

Yes which is exactly what I do. But I don't agree that I should do all of it and he gets to spend every minute he has at home doing nothing.

You have 13 hours more at home time than your DH does. Of course you should pick up the slack for general house work. Or mutually agree to get a cleaner.

Presumably she has to come home and get the dinner on aswell everyday so you could add that time on to her schedule aswell, plus the OP already said she doesn't mind doing more than him but she shouldn't have to do everything while he does fuck all

No, it was a well known cleaning company that came to my house (2 bed cottage) and did a quote. It was £100 and something for a one off clean and something silly as well for every two weeks.

I admittedly didn't look elsewhere so I will do tonight.

Assuming he sits down while you're doing all the housework. What would happen if you sat down with him every time he sat down. Let the housework pile up. Would he notice? I would tot up the hours you work (including commute) vs the hours he works (including commute). You cook the food in the hour you have at the end of the day. Perhaps you could do 1 more hour of tidying to make up for his hour at the start of the day. Then when he complains about the mess/no clean clothes etc. Point out that you are doing exactly what he does. Do not get drawn into his work is harder than yours.

You have 13 hours more at home time than your DH does. Of course you should pick up the slack for general house work

But that just gives him the incentive to spend more time 'at work' to avoid doing stuff at home. The OP hasn't said whether he has to spend all this time at work, if he is actually working or is he just hiding there until dinner is ready?

I'd also be looking at the finances, how joint expenses work and their respective incomes. The OP earns more currently, but this is likely to change when she is on maternity leave, so it seems appropriate that they get a joint account for household and child expenses at least, so that finances are shared openly and fairly.

So this is how it’s going to be for the next 20 years then? Your husband will do no housework at all and you’ll do all of it or pay for a cleaner (which he will probably complain is too expensive and intrusive.)

He’ll no nothing to care for the children he already has or the one on the way? OP, you’re already a 1950s housewife if you don’t challenge this now.

His business is not the top priority. If he can’t do a fair share of the domestic duties perhaps he should wind up the business and get a 9-5 job instead.

His business is not the top priority

This is what it feels like. It feels like nothing else really matters or he just doesn't have the headspace for anything else.

It's incredibly important to him and he's worked very hard to build it up which I do understand but it annoys me that its an excuse for him to not think about anything else.

Barbara is right. There are plenty of men at my work who stay late drinking coffee and chatting so they can avoid dinner and bedtime.

I genuinely do believe he's working. He's very busy at work at the moment, I have access to his systems so can see what's coming in and going out, invoices etc... And I know he has a lot of work on. He's never been work shy at all since I've known him and it seems to be the place he really thrives so I really don't believe he sits around using it as an excuse to not come home. I may sound naive but I like to think I know him pretty well and I don't believe he does that.

To be honest if he has another 4-5 hours on his day to you I think it's fair. It's no way cleaning takes this length of time (5x5 =25 extra hours).

You know what I wouldn't even mind so much if he said 'look I'm just too knackered after work but I'll pay for a cleaner because I can't just expect you to do it all'

I agree with pp that have said to leave all of his things to sort himself unless he agrees to pay for a cleaner to help with his share if he doesn't want to lift a finger. Leave his laundry, food shopping, cooking, dishes, his kids messy rooms and any of his mess for him to do. YANBU to expect him to pull his weight and help out around the house. You're not his maid. You work full time too.

But you aren't a kept woman so it doesne matter if he works 24hrs a day. He is not your responsibility. Yes if you live together you do these things for each other to make each others lives easier but he shouldn't assume you will do it all or that you owe him any of your free time. If he's bitter about the fact that you work less hours and not in a physical job that's his problem. He can change jobs.

With a 9-5 job I don't understand why it's so hard to clean and cook. I do a 65 hour+ week and still have time for those things. This isn't about gender. It's about how many more hours you have away from work. To be honest, 20 minutes each morning would be enough for basic cleaning, leaving your weekends free. I don't see the problem.

Pickme, yes and I do do everything as it is. But it isn't to his standards yet he won't help with it.

If its not good enough say 'sorry master. I will do better next time.'whilst bowing and backing away sarcastically. Then throw his food/drink on floor.