Should parents be "paid back" for sacrifices they made when raising their children?

[FurtherShowers]

My sister's MIL expects to be paid back financially and emotionally for raising her (now adult) DS. She will openly say "I sent you to a good school, I made sacrifices" etc and believes it is the job of her adult children to support her financially. This includes paying for her holidays, credit cards for discretionary spending, paying various non essential bills etc.

My sister and her DH have two children and my sister is sick of family money being spent on her MIL's luxuries. MIL has another son who is single and gives her a proportion of his wage. I think it's crazy that MIL accepts this, she is young enough and for enough to work and does work part time and has more than enough to cover all of her bills. The money she takes from her children is purely for luxuries and it's upwards of £10k a year (at least).

My sister believes all their spare money (they have less than her MIL and many more outgoings) should be spent on their children, but MIL insists mothers should be financially "looked after" by their sons. To clarify my sister and her husband, and her other son, are financially less secure than MIL.

I am angry on my sister's behalf and want to support her talking to her DH who I believe doesn't realise this isn't normal, but first of all wondered if it is normal in some families and if people see it as the right thing to do?

Sister's MIL expects this to go on forever

How long has it already been going on, @FurtherShowers?
At £10k a year, if your sister's partner has done this for a few years, he's probably reached breakeven, so can stop.

The thing is ... as well as the financial abuse, sister's MiL has normalised emotional abuse to her sons, hasn't she? Is your BiL ready to stand up & reject the brainwashing yet?

It is desperately unfair that your sis & BiL are losing £10k a year they could be ploughing into their own kids, pensions & ... whisper it ... holidays. Who is going to be the one to finally stand up & tell MiL to fuck off?

How much are they giving her every month?

Each month between them it's £300 in bills, plus about £200 cash and when they see her they pay for absolutely everything. If they go anywhere with her she won't pay her own way they pay her travel, hotels etc. If she goes with friends she expects cash for spends. She sees it as her due.

She was furious when DSister and her husband took those children to Euro Disney abc didn't invite her.

No, they chose to have children - their children didn't ask to be born.

It would be good if said children felt enough love and dedication to help take care of them if they become ill but it's by no means something you are owed.

When my children are adults I will wholeheartedly try and help them if they need it.

I've suggested to my sister she sits down alone with her husband but she said when she's raised it in the past she's painted as being unkind to her MIL and money grabbing by wanting to stop this and she's adamant it will help her DH seethings better with another perspective to back this up.

My SIL is the same. (White, Irish). Despite being a teacher and earning a decent wage, she refuses to pay into a pension or save independently for her retirement because she expects my nephew to support her. That's the nephew working a part-time, zero hours job. It makes me furious.

NOOOOOO, A child never asks to be CONCEIVED! You chose to HAVE & RAISE a child! If you don't want to do that without being 'paid' back then you shouldn't have kids!

@FurtherShowers as long as your DSis and BIL don't use their joint finances to fund MIL then she should leave him to it! If its taking away from your Dsis own money or her having luxury's then id tell him straight or leave!

I am curious what age MIL is. She could could go on expecting this for maybe 30/40 years depending on her age and health. Her house could go on care fees and you will both be still renting. What about your kids going to uni and you want to help them and basically have no funds. Also s I understand it the loans will be based on what you both earn and money paid out to MIL will not enter the equation. Maybe point
out he is putting his own kids future in jeopardy. Time to end the gravy train. She choose to have kids and it was her responsibility to house clothe and feed them.

I remember reading about a couple who had just the one child with the sole purpose of having him look after them in their old age. No worries about who would look after him as they did not want him to get married and have a family.

Selfish and entitled hard to believe such people exist. It would not surprise me that your MIL was dissapointed that he got married at all as that was going to dilute the money coming her way.
I would put boundaries in now or it will be you expected to look after her if she becomes Ill and infirm. I am in a Facebook group about caring for elderly patents and there a lot of people out there caring for very toxic parents and they have no life to speak of

If that's how it's gone in the past then I doubt your sister will have any success.

I've suggested to my sister she sits down alone with her husband but she said when she's raised it in the past she's painted as being unkind to her MIL and money grabbing shock by wanting to stop this and she's adamant it will help her DH seethings better with another perspective to back this up.

Apologies if it's an obvious question, but are your/sister's parents still alive? If so, surely she 'owes' them the exact same as her husband owes his mum? How would he react if she insisted on giving the same amount each month to her parents?

No, not normal in any way shape or form. This is bizarre!

She could could go on expecting this for maybe 30/40 years depending on her age and health. Her house could go on care fees and you will both be still renting.

I don't know how hard-line councils would be about it, but if she needs expensive care and her house is sold and the money eventually all spent on care but with her still alive, I wouldn't put it past them to examine her finances and treat the money from her sons as her regular agreed income, and expect them to keep paying it into their (council) money pit for her continued care.

Imagine if, by stopping handing over their own money and actually spending it on themselves and their own children, they were then treated as having pulled a swifty on the council by deliberately depriving their mum of her rightful income which she owes to the council for care.

My husband has always given his parents an allowance but he is from a different culture so it is expected. My mum will often try and guilt trip me by saying that she is poor now because of putting us through university etc and I do try to help as much as possible to treat her but that kind of percentage is absolutely bizarre!!!! Especially at the children's expense.

That is so strange!! Although ds1 promised to buy me a nice car when he was earning well and ds2 told me he would build me a nice home- they were kids then though!!
Seriously I support my kids, and will give them anything I can. I expect them to purchase themselves everything I could not have myself. Because I want them to have nice lives, with nice homes, nice cars, but most of all be secure. That comes before anything I would want. I would be annoyed if I found out my child even gave me a gift, but had to sacrifice something for themselves to give it. I want them to have. Not me. If that makes sense?

Does her DH recall how much support she gave her parents and inlaws? How much of THEIR living costs did she cover?

Because the way it's going, your DSis won't be able to support her own children, while they are children.

Apologies if it's an obvious question, but are your/sister's parents still alive? If so, surely she 'owes' them the exact same as her husband owes his mum? How would he react if she insisted on giving the same amount each month to her parents

This^^^ very good point!!!!

Her MIL is in her early 60s and had no health problems in fact she ran the London marathon last year.

Your sister has a dh problem as well as a mil problem. Her dh needs to stand up to his mum. I'm not surprised you're angry, I'm angry in her behalf and I don't know her!

OP,
Of course this isn't normal. I certainly have never heard of it.

Did your sister know that her prospective husband was giving his mother half of his salary?
If she did, it's very strange that she agreed to it or didn't realise that it have consequences for her future.

Clearly her husband is putting his mother ahead of his wife and children.

Apologies, but he sounds like a weak idiot, and who would want to be married to someone like that.

Also, I find it extraordinary that someone would marry anyone who would hand over half their salary to someone else for them to have extra luxuries. Bizarre.

Oh, and your sister and husband rent while MIL owns her home.

Beyond bizarre.
Your sister must be extremely passive.

No wonder you find it irritating to hear about.

If the total amount is £500 between three siblings, it is unlikely that this sponsorship is a reason why they are unable to buy their own house (assuming it is split more or less fairly).

when they see her they pay for absolutely everything. If they go anywhere with her she won't pay her own way they pay her travel, hotels etc. If she goes with friends she expects cash for spends. She sees it as her due

She sounds like a total brat!

My dds are at university/career choosing stage. I joke about the potential salaries and how they could look after me in my dotage, or that the one who made lunch or whatever is my favourite, but it’s a joke because it’s such an outrageous idea, there is no expectation at all. I want to be helping them get on in life as long as I’m physically able. (Not a lot of cash but I’d love to be the sort of gran that does a bit of childcare and makes curtains in my retirement.) Assuming the culture you are dealing with is white British, (and if not I would be a bit more sympathetic,) your sister’s mil is royally taking the mickey.

@silvercuckoo They pitched in with large sums to help the mother in law out of a financial hole when her house was going to be repossessed and that's why they now rent.

They pitched in with large sums to help the mother in law out of a financial hole when her house was going to be repossessed and that's why they now rent

That suggests that she isn’t financially secure?