Should parents be "paid back" for sacrifices they made when raising their children?

[FurtherShowers]

My sister's MIL expects to be paid back financially and emotionally for raising her (now adult) DS. She will openly say "I sent you to a good school, I made sacrifices" etc and believes it is the job of her adult children to support her financially. This includes paying for her holidays, credit cards for discretionary spending, paying various non essential bills etc.

My sister and her DH have two children and my sister is sick of family money being spent on her MIL's luxuries. MIL has another son who is single and gives her a proportion of his wage. I think it's crazy that MIL accepts this, she is young enough and for enough to work and does work part time and has more than enough to cover all of her bills. The money she takes from her children is purely for luxuries and it's upwards of £10k a year (at least).

My sister believes all their spare money (they have less than her MIL and many more outgoings) should be spent on their children, but MIL insists mothers should be financially "looked after" by their sons. To clarify my sister and her husband, and her other son, are financially less secure than MIL.

I am angry on my sister's behalf and want to support her talking to her DH who I believe doesn't realise this isn't normal, but first of all wondered if it is normal in some families and if people see it as the right thing to do?

[Isthisafreename]

@IAskTooManyQuestions - However, I have Irish friends who we call 'the 10-percenters'

This is definitely not normal in Ireland. I know nobody who does that other than one person who was given the family farm in exchange. That is a business deal though.

However, in previous generations, it was normal in farming communities to have parents living with the family of the son who took over the farm.

[SkydivingKittyCat]

The husband needs to realise he should be putting his foot down and prioritising the needs of his children over those of his (not particularly?) needy mother.

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

I think the normal way is for each generation to support the next until they are able to support themselves. How was Mil supported when she was a child? Most likely by her parents, that's when she got her payback. The choices she made about paying for good schools were hers not her child's so it is unfair to expect to be repaid. Giving help to elderly parents in terms of time when they get older is different but demanding money for luxuries is completely wrong.

I would suggest that BIL tells his mother he now has to make some sacrifices for the sake of his children and one of those sacrifices is no longer financially supporting his mother.

These two comments nail it.

It's all about showing love and care within families (which may include a financial element), but never to be expected, legalistic or controlling. The simple rule is that if you chose for a person to be born, you are financially responsible for them until they are an adult. If you never had any say in their birth (which, for somebody significantly older than you, could obviously never have been the case), then you owe them absolutely nothing by obligation.

My great-aunt married a man who was forced to give his entire income to his mother. The extended family also travelled each Friday to stay for the weekend and his wage was expected to pay for their food etc.

Absolutely crazy. How was he able to pay for his own house with no money - or was that all left to his wife (and what if she had had an equally abusive parent expecting all of her money)? Did the mother pay for all of the family food at the weekend from his wages that he'd handed over or was that considered a bonus? And, if the latter, how did they expect him to pay it when his money had all been taken already?

At least this would explain some of the threads on here where MILs despise their DILs for no apparent reason - I'm guessing a lot of them see her as a usurper of what they consider their own money (that they take from their sons). Most normal DPs and PILs see the wedding of their adult child as a joyous occasion where they're now making their own way in life, but some of these abusive parents likely see it as a 100% negative thing that's designed to hurt and 'steal' from them and kill their golden goose.

My DH is from a culture where he’s effectively responsible for his mother now that FIL has passed. So he’s bought and renovated her home etc. She has her own money, but he would tend to pay for everything unless she does something we don’t know about. This is quite normal for many people. There is also another brother who does the same. He lives in US. When she travels they pay for her flights and accompany her on the plane. If she comes in holiday with us, she wouldn’t need to bring money. It’s just how it is.

I may be wrong here, but I'm guessing that in this (and many similar cultures), it isn't really a case of support based on generations but on sex. The sons are only expected to become ersatz husbands (in terms of financial support) to their mums once their dads have died or can no longer work. Women don't ever have any financial responsibility, but of course, that means they also don't have any financial rights. Yes, she has her own money (many don't), but what use is that money if she's not really expected/approved to spend it? Is it considered pin money that she could use to buy herself some new clothes or cushions but it's not really within her remit to make major purchasing decisions (even if the money is plentiful)?

Effectively, many women are infantilised their whole lives and you end up with the situation that a 16yo boy who has started working has more financial power than a 100yo woman will ever have had in her whole life.

Apologies if I've misinterpreted this and I mean no offence to cultures where everybody is happy with this setup (if they indeed all are) and it all works for them, but it certainly isn't a way I'd choose.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

FurtherShowers

She needs to do this by herself otherwise he will feel railroaded and defensive.

You could/should sit down with her and put a list together that she can refer to, but she needs to be able to argue her points herself otherwise it will just look like its coming form you.

[HouseworkAvoider10]

Wowsers.
I've heard it all now.
Hugely abnormal and YANBU.

What a completely horrible and selfish woman.
Her poor children should tell her to fuck off for herself.

[Whosorrynow]

Veneration of the elders tends to be a feature of traditional societies, it's a kind of intuitive default moral system but in the modern world it is counterproductive in my view.
She sounds as if she has narcissistic traits, they should just just laugh in her face and tell her to f* off

[BoxOfBabyCheeses]

So your sister's MIL sacrificed for her children, but your sister is not supposed to do the same for her children? Shouldn't any spare money being going to them, not grown woman who is capable of looking after herself? Has the hypocrisy been pointed out to her?

[graziemille567]

This is absolutely crazy. Nothing wrong with a child treating their parents to a nice holiday or dinner out etc if they want to, but no parent should ever expect this from their kids. Like a lot of people on here, I would be mortified if I was in a position where I had to rely financially on my son when he's grown up. Even if I was totally broke, I'd struggle to ask anyone to lend or give me money, let alone my child!

[BeenThereDone]

Ask her if she did the same for her mother/mil..... Bet your ass she didn't. Tell your sister to either woman up and tell her to take a hike or ditch the mammys boy.

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

Agree that, beyond talking to her on her own and showing her this thread, you shouldn't get involved in discussions with her husband.

Apart from anything else, when (not if) his mum gets wind of the fact that you were influential, or even just offering support, then YOU will become the bad guy and she will lay the whole blame on you. Bearing in mind that this isn't a handy bonus fiver here and there that she stands to lose, but her whole comfortable lifestyle (for the rest of her life) - and that she's clearly a self-important and controlling person anyway - who knows what she would do in revenge?

As her scapegoat and interfering 'busybody' (who she might well accuse of being controlling), I think her immediate MO would be to exert all of her energies into doing whatever it takes to cause big problems between you and your sister and to split you up, get you out of her whole family's life and restore her luxurious lifestyle.

Although the money is a big part of it, I think the control element is also very important to her and she will not want her matriarchal power to be threatened by you. If she doesn't succeed in splitting you from the rest of them, I could well imagine her seeking to make the split between her son and DIL instead.

[scarbados]

Not normal and not by any means acceptable! My mum spent large parts of my adult life preaching to me that I should be eternally grateful that she 'made sacrifices' to send me to a private school. What she overlooked was that 1) I never wanted to go and hated it; 2) she'd decided by the time I was 5 that I was going to be a nurse and I'd have done that from a state school. University was a non-started of a suggestion; 3) She only wanted me to go there so she could brag to her friends that I was at a 'better' school than their kids and 4) I was awarded a full scholarship grant for 7 years so it didn't cost her owt.

Unless you involve the DC in making decisions that cost you a fortune, they owe you not a penny. And even if you did, they still don't!

[Whosorrynow]

She sounds like a mad dictator demanding that her subjects pay tribute to her, very very controlling and manipulative
she's on very thin ice with all her 'reasonings' I mean most people would just laugh at her but she probably has her slaves tightly bound and deeply lost in FOG so that they dare not disobey her

[Lllot5]

Mmmm I don’t know you know.
If I had the money I’d pay for my mum. I’d pay everything I could.
But I guess that’s the crux of it if I could afford it I would but not if it meant my children would’ve gone without.

[DPotter]

Quick thought - is she declaring this money on her tax return? There is a limit of how much money you can give as a gift before it becomes taxable.
Whatever - no it not normal and I know of no one who funds their parents in this way. Your Dsis is quite right to feel annoyed with this situation - family income is for her children.

[Work12]

How bloody weird! I feel for your sister! How disgusting, she is renting and the mother in law who owns her house outright is taking money form them!! She chose to have babies, boohoo she had to bring them up what did she expect to do with them! Honestly baffled! Husband needs to stop being weak and controlled, this is not normal!!!!

[blubelle7]

Okay. I certainly don't support her MIL's behaviour, especially because in this country I feel there is no need for this situation i.e.: jobs actually pay "real" money and there is a social system in place for those who need it.

I am from a country and culture where this is normal but parents do not have the MIL's attitude and will decline help from their children despite not having anything, and children basically force their parents to accept their help. My parents supported me throughout university, and two Masters' degrees, paying for tuition, accommodation and pocket money so I didn't have to work and would have the best start in life, (no student loans in our country) which as an international student is not cheap (£40-60000 a year), in addition to private school from age 4 (again £30000 per year). They did the same for my siblings and my sister is currently in university now. I feel it is my duty to help my parents out so I pay my sister's expenses and send them a 5 figure sum annually for them to do something nice for themselves as they are not wealthy and (mum is a teacher and dad works in IT) and have sacrificed so much for us (am sure they have nothing left for retirement as they have even sold property to pay for our tuition). How3ver I let every partner and DH know this was my culture, my family don't expect anything from me but I will do it regardless and that they are free to walk away if it is off-putting. Thankfully DH understands and is from a similar background (in terms of having to financially provide for his family- we always paying rent for his brother and paying school fees, doctor fees etc.). We keep our money separate and pay jointly for things. I spend my money on my family and son. I have more disposable income than DH (fewer family responsibilities and my brother sends me a quite substantial amount of "pocket money" every month as he has done for the last 15 years even though I am nearly 30, am married, gainfully employed with my own family.

[ZazieTheCat]

It’s a funny way, highly transactional way of thinking about it.

There’s different mindset where people who have a good relationship with their parents help them out/care for them/would never see them short/treat them etc. I think that way of thinking about it makes it more like a family. Same goes in the other direction though- parents who are wealthier in time/money than their children help them out to live their best lives however they can.

[Kisskiss]

Commonplace in cultures and countries with no state pension and social welfare - your family, not the state provides for you when old. Not really acceptable here though!!! She sounds greedy and lazy

[Orangecake123]

I would have no problem supporting my MIL if she was in true financial hardship.Apart from a birthday or Christmas gift- I would draw the line at giving £1k + to be spent of luxury items, over the expense of my own kids.

[caperplips]

I know a white Birtish woman who is like this with her grown up kids.
She left their father for a guy who was 2 years older than her eldest child. Had another baby with this 20 year old. Unsurprisingly this relationship didn't last.

She constantly plays the poor little old single mother me sympathy card. And expects her now grown kids to support her. She is fovever posting links to expensive luxuries from perfume to furniture to holidays and tagging her kids saying 'oh look...so lovely...wish I had one of these...' and then lo and hehold a few weeks later she's posting a photo of her with whatever thing it was 'so blessed...look what my wonderful dc surprised me with! What did I do to deserve such great kids'

And on and on....it's disgusting to see. Kids all live at home with her too.

[differentnameforthis]

Your sister has a husband problem, not a MIL problem.

He needs to put his foot down

[Greeve]

I find it bizarre that people think "white British" means one universal culture.

[GummyGoddess]

It is bizarre but don't sit down with your sister to confront her DH. He will feel ganged up on and defensive even if he agrees with you. Offer moral support but don't physically be there for that chat.

[Fullyhuman]

In my white British (working class) culture it’s normal to send money regularly to your parents if you can, but i’ve been lucky in that they haven’t yet needed to accept it. And it wouldn’t be normal to go without essentials in order to do so. In my case my parents are fine atm but I do check and offer now and then, in case that changes. My in-laws are comfortably off but ditto, if that changes we’ll see what we can do. In my family, one grandma moved in with us and the other one an uncle did a sort of equity release thing as she owned her flat - he gave her a wodge of cash and when she died he got a percentage of the value of her home back before the rest of the estate (buttons) was shared out.

[mussolini9]

Should parents be "paid back" for sacrifices they made when raising their children?

No, of course not!
Their choice, their decision of what/how much to 'sacrifice'.

People who talk & think like this are generally pretty strong on putting themselves first anyway, so I doubt any genuine 'sacrifice' from anyone with this view.

If you want a payback, set up a business, or invest in a pension.
Not a tiny human being ffs.
We have them to teach them & set them free on their own lives. THAT's the reward. Wanting anything more is toxic bullshit.