Should parents be "paid back" for sacrifices they made when raising their children?

[FurtherShowers]

My sister's MIL expects to be paid back financially and emotionally for raising her (now adult) DS. She will openly say "I sent you to a good school, I made sacrifices" etc and believes it is the job of her adult children to support her financially. This includes paying for her holidays, credit cards for discretionary spending, paying various non essential bills etc.

My sister and her DH have two children and my sister is sick of family money being spent on her MIL's luxuries. MIL has another son who is single and gives her a proportion of his wage. I think it's crazy that MIL accepts this, she is young enough and for enough to work and does work part time and has more than enough to cover all of her bills. The money she takes from her children is purely for luxuries and it's upwards of £10k a year (at least).

My sister believes all their spare money (they have less than her MIL and many more outgoings) should be spent on their children, but MIL insists mothers should be financially "looked after" by their sons. To clarify my sister and her husband, and her other son, are financially less secure than MIL.

I am angry on my sister's behalf and want to support her talking to her DH who I believe doesn't realise this isn't normal, but first of all wondered if it is normal in some families and if people see it as the right thing to do?

In other words she’s had a champagne lifestyle on a bucks fizz budget.
She needs to realise her budget does not allow the lifestyle she wants!
Her sons money is not part of her budget.

It would be really interesting to know what MILs attitude to money was like when her kids were growing up. Did she pay towards her parents lifestyle? Or was she super stingy? Or has she always tried to get money out of various people in various different ways?

Not normal at all, why should she be paid back? We all make sacrifices for our children, not just financial. I'd be worried she'd expect care as a pay back too.
As usual though, it's the dh at fault for not saying no.
All your dsis can do is tell her dh it's not on anymore.

@omafiet - My SIL is the same. (White, Irish). Despite being a teacher and earning a decent wage, she refuses to pay into a pension or save independently for her retirement because she expects my nephew to support her.

I assume she's not working in Ireland then as if she is, she has no choice but to pay into a pension.

@fedup21 she is now as she owns her house outright. Financially secure enough to go on multiple holidays a year and work about 5 days a month.

Kids don't ask to be born!!!!!! They didn't ask for her to make sacrifices that was HER choice!

Narcissist

They pitched in with large sums to help the mother in law out of a financial hole when her house was going to be repossessed and that's why they now rent.
But... Reposession seems to be quite extreme, exactly the scenario where you'd expect the family to pool resources, no? Especially if it is a childhood home and there are no other options like downsizing etc. I am not white British, so don't want to sound culturally insensitive though.
I am not fond of my ex-MIL at all (and she has no interest in my children, to be honest), but I kept giving her an allowance even after divorce, as her son had a soul-seeking phase and was unemployed for a long time, and she had to continue paying for her health insurance.

You have kids, you raise them, you treat them well, you do the best for them to be happy. And you expect nothing in return.

WTF does this MIL expect to be a 'kept woman' leeching off her kids? Does she have no shame???

It takes two to tango. Your sister's MIL is U for expecting the financial support. Your sisters H is U for avoiding an uncomfortable discussion and providing it.

What's does your BIL say when your sister brings it up with him?

This is your sister’s MIL’s normal and your BIL has bought into that norm. I can understand why you’re angry but it is one of the ‘norms’ that your sister bought into when she married her H. She can opt out of the ‘norm’ but that will come at a price.

there a lot of people out there caring for very toxic parents and they have no life to speak of
I think this is a hidden but growing problem

My siblings and I did pay for many luxuries for my widowed mother. We took her on nice holidays and paid for all. Took her out for dinner frequently and always paid. Bought new furniture and appliances when needed.
She never asked for it though. We did it because we loved her and wanted her to be comfortable and have nice things. Her later years were much more comfortable than her early years and we take comfort from that now that she has passed on.

She made her decision to bring her children here. They didn't ask to be born.
Why should have to pay her back financially for any sacrifices she decided to make.
Imagine trying to get that one to court
Tell you what. I'd love to be a fly on the wall in that court room.

We pay MIL's utility bills. But only because she can't afford them herself and was going to get cut off. She never demanded anything and is extremely grateful for the help. That's the normal attitude you would expect, not 'payback'.

I reckon some toxic people must groom their kids to guarantee a reliable skivvy

In some cultures this is completely normal, however your sister should have a discussion with her husband regarding this, and what are each other’s expectations.

Do your SIL and her husband pool their finances? Because there's no way your sister's money (assuming she has an income) should be spent on her MIL.

I know a few people who think this sort of way, one a lady from Ghana, another from Zimbabwe, both lovely mothers who have put their lives very much on hold for their children, the kids education is a very serious concern, and their tutors alone are £££ when these ladies earn very little. It is a cultural thing in their situation and I cant judge.

DHs patents also feel the same. He grew up having very little. And now hes doing well for himself, they're both there with their hand out. They want a new car, and £150 a week so MIL (57) can give up working part time...

I feel sorry for your sister OP, because she is going to feel bad however the situation is, whether it continues or doesnt.

This sounds so wrong!!

Your poor DH and his brother have been brainwashed and you need to de-programme them!!

Rent whilst still living at home as an adult, fine (it is common to keep it and regift it back, but that shouldn't be assumed). Once you leave, the rent stops.

YES! We should. In FULL with INTEREST! No question about it. (I would do the same to my parents but, sadly, I'm an orphan.)

[sarcasm]

This is odd. Not. Read whole thread.
Surely the payback is having lovely children who visit you when your old and bring great grandkids.
Also who paid for her as a child? Did she pay for her parents as an adult?
Wierd

Surely if they paid off her house they've done their bit? They've set her up, she should be arriving to be independent now

I think I would definitely avoid giving parents a regular allowance even if I was much wealthier than them, seeing a situation where the parents are 'there with their hands out' when the children have done well for themselves, presumably the children did well for themselves because they worked hard and make good choices or do the parents think that their success is necessarily down to them?

if we owe it to our parents to repay them for their investment if we do well in life does that mean that we can blame them if we do badly in life?

Seems to me that parents are very quick to take the credit when their children do well but if the children do badly they don't want to assume the blame do they?
if I should be grateful to my parents for the fact of my existence then that also means I can blame them for everything bad in my life doesn't it....if everything is because of them then it also follows the everything is their fault.