Should parents be "paid back" for sacrifices they made when raising their children?

[FurtherShowers]

My sister's MIL expects to be paid back financially and emotionally for raising her (now adult) DS. She will openly say "I sent you to a good school, I made sacrifices" etc and believes it is the job of her adult children to support her financially. This includes paying for her holidays, credit cards for discretionary spending, paying various non essential bills etc.

My sister and her DH have two children and my sister is sick of family money being spent on her MIL's luxuries. MIL has another son who is single and gives her a proportion of his wage. I think it's crazy that MIL accepts this, she is young enough and for enough to work and does work part time and has more than enough to cover all of her bills. The money she takes from her children is purely for luxuries and it's upwards of £10k a year (at least).

My sister believes all their spare money (they have less than her MIL and many more outgoings) should be spent on their children, but MIL insists mothers should be financially "looked after" by their sons. To clarify my sister and her husband, and her other son, are financially less secure than MIL.

I am angry on my sister's behalf and want to support her talking to her DH who I believe doesn't realise this isn't normal, but first of all wondered if it is normal in some families and if people see it as the right thing to do?

It depends where MIL comes from?

See Caldwell’s theory of inter generational wealth flows:

www.researchgate.net/publication/290106544_Fertility_Theory_Caldwell's_Theory_of_Intergenerational_Wealth_Flows/amp

Parents from traditional societies may well expect their children to support them in old age; whereas in the UK we try to pass wealth down to our children.

We have had the chat thanks for the replies just to say I will update later this afternoon when I have time. To clarify MIL is working class white British but has champagne tastes so the culture stuff isn't relevant I don't think.

She wants the best of both worlds to live in a first world country with all advantage that brings, and then borrow traditions from third world countries for an extra bonus

Oh my goodness! I hate people like this!! This absolutely boils my blood!! My husband was in a car accident (I didn’t know him at the time) which saw him in a coma and had to be resuscitated 6times. It’s taken him 3-4 years to fully go back to work and recover from his accident which has left him with permanent brain damage (not that you’d know unless he told you) he had a big payout from the insurance. His mother expects him to pay her back for all the time she spent at his bedside, all the petrol she spent travelling to see him in hospital and all the wages she lost through missing work whilst he was in hospital. I think it’s absolutely disgusting, the money he got is for his future incase he develops epilepsy or early onset dementia or for any reason has to leave work before normal retirement age because of his injuries. I’ve managed to put a stop to it before she was able to help herself to the money or guilt him into giving her any. Honestly if our son nearly lost his life, the last thing I’d be wanting is money! Some mothers think just because they gave birth to you that they are entitled to everything you have. I hope she manages to have a word with her DH and convince him to put a stop to it. Some women are great guilt troopers and manipulators which is sounds like her mil is xx

Guilt trippers*

@K16
That is disgusting, he is her son but she is treating him like an income stream, a cash cow
he should treat her like the toxic predator that she is and keep well away from her

I am not sure it's that clear cut. Women have lower pensions than men as they have often given up their careers and made do without so that the children can have the best lives and education. It was always mum who worked part time when little Johnny needs to go to private school and needs someone at home when he comes home from school or needs collecting. Part time jobs have bad pay.

Part time jobs have bad pay

Yes, urkidding, they do, but I willingly took part time jobs to be there for my kids, I didn't do it with the expectation of anyone 'paying me back' for lost pension/lack of private pension.

I knew what I was doing when I shafted my chance of a proper career to bring up my kids single handed. Now they're grown up and I work for a pitiful wage, but they are successful and happy. My money and earning power - my problem, not theirs.

Not normal

She is away with the pixies! As parents we all decide how little or much Financial support we offer our children - it is our choice not theirs and as such not their liability to pay back! Both of our children were born as a result of private IVF treatment after lots of other treatments we paid for - by her standards they both owe us at least £7.5k each - needless to say I won't be invoicing them!

Oh don’t worry we do stay away!! Not without a constant guilt trip by her and his sisters though 🙄🙄. Who, might I add have also asked him for thousands. It drives me insane.

I hope this lady can convince her other half that it is not normal behaviour from a mother in our culture before it ends their relationship.

This is not normal ! YANBU

Good grief, no. I struggled to bring up my son - single parent, useless ex, and I feel pleased with the way it's worked out. He is successful, married with two dd. I'm fine though I don't have an income for luxuries. I wouldn't expect him to treat me, or support me. The money he and DIL have is first and foremost for them and their children. That's the way it should be. I know if I was in financial trouble or struggling to support myself (which is v v unlikely) he would help me at the drop of a hat, but it is not his role to 'pay me back.' From that point of view, he doesn't owe me anything. We're very close, I love my dgd and my DIL. That's more than enough for me.

Wanted to update:

So I did sit down with DS and her DH as DS insisted she needed some back up. I listened for the most part as DS explained how she doesn't know any other family like it and her MIL uses the family money to find her luxury lifestyle etc etc.

BIL was outraged and defensive. Said his DM had brought him up and didn't have much money. DS pointed out MIL has been on 5 holidays so far this year and they can't afford one. Pointed out her MIL doesn't have a mortgage etc. Pointed out she could afford to take on her own iPhone bill. BIL said he won't speak to his DM about it as she brought him up. DS said their children were going without because of money going to MIL and BIL insisted the children don't go without and they can afford both. Said they don't need to give money to our parents because they have more money (they both work).

DS is now beside herself as saw this as the last attempt to try and change things.

Wow. Oh OP I'm so sorry for your DSis.

The only thing I can think of in your BILs defence is that he has been brought up indoctrinated to believe this to be the norm/true.

I know what my response to that would be - fuck you, I am walking out as you are not prepared to prioritise our family above your mother who is an adult perfectly capable of providing for herself and you can listen to a court tell you where your priorities and finances will lie as you're clearly not listening to me.

Sod that. Children aren't a long term investment that mature and you reap the benefits. Sadly, if this is what he truly believes it may be battle she can't win.

I think she needs to walk away.
His mother chose to have children, how can he be so blind when she's had 5 holidays in one. How can he see it as normal to give £500 a month to his mother when he can't even save for a mortgage. Is he going to expect his own children to do the same when they grow up.
I feel awful for her but I think his position is clear and now she needs to protect herself and her children from this financial craziness!

Sorry if this has already been asked but does he expect his own kids to pay for him & your sister when they are working?

Definitely not normal in the UK. Both of us were born before the war, white British, working class, one in London one two hundred miles away in a rural area. We never gave our parents regular payments - naturally made contributions to all sorts of family events such as Christmas - our children have never given us regular money, our grandchildren who are working don't do it either.

If we were rich, won the lottery etc., of course we'd help the family but that's it.

When we had our children we didn't see it as making 'sacrifices', we just lived within our means. We looked after them, took them on holiday etc., because that's the fun part of being in a family (most of the time!). Often I think we should be paying them for all the good times we had together and for all our lovely grandchildren. Of course there were bad times, but, hey, that's just life.

BIL insisted the children don't go without and they can afford both.

She should start badgering him about what holidays they're going on. They'll need to be quick to fit in 5 week-long holidays before the kids go back to school.

If his mum is hard up, but can afford these holidays; and you can afford to bankroll her without your children going without, he'll find the money for 5 family holidays, then, won't he?

She is properly toxic - it isn't even just about the money that she's taking from your own children - her grandchildren. She's painted herself as the martyr and victim and made him see the bizarre situation as normal - and made him fearful of challenging her, maybe because he thinks he'll lose her love if he tries to stop the money. She's taught him and his brother that they and their love is not enough for her - they need to buy her love with hard cash and, if they don't, they'll be unworthy failures as sons.

*sorry, I wrote you/your there - obviously mean them/their.

He puts his mother before your sister and their children. I don't see any way that the marriage can survive.

If he'd listened to your sister at all, or taken on board anything she said, there'd be hope. But he hasn't, and I can't see that changing.

BIL said he won't speak to his DM about it as she brought him up
I think in his unconscious mind this money represents how much brother-in-law is worth to his mother, he doesn't consciously understand this but this I believe is what is driving his behaviour, his mother is like a deity who cannot be questioned and must be obeyed, his value as a person derives from and is an extension of her value.
that is why he resists and makes excuses it's a kind of instinctive thing that he doesn't yet consciously understand

His mother has made him an extension of herself and so he can only feel good about himself by making her feel good and by flattering and lavishing attention upon her

Well when he's paying his child maintenance, alongside his mother maintenance, he won't have much left will he.

She needs to walk-her DH is not going to support her on this one.

Does your sister work?