Should parents be "paid back" for sacrifices they made when raising their children?

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My sister's MIL expects to be paid back financially and emotionally for raising her (now adult) DS. She will openly say "I sent you to a good school, I made sacrifices" etc and believes it is the job of her adult children to support her financially. This includes paying for her holidays, credit cards for discretionary spending, paying various non essential bills etc.

My sister and her DH have two children and my sister is sick of family money being spent on her MIL's luxuries. MIL has another son who is single and gives her a proportion of his wage. I think it's crazy that MIL accepts this, she is young enough and for enough to work and does work part time and has more than enough to cover all of her bills. The money she takes from her children is purely for luxuries and it's upwards of £10k a year (at least).

My sister believes all their spare money (they have less than her MIL and many more outgoings) should be spent on their children, but MIL insists mothers should be financially "looked after" by their sons. To clarify my sister and her husband, and her other son, are financially less secure than MIL.

I am angry on my sister's behalf and want to support her talking to her DH who I believe doesn't realise this isn't normal, but first of all wondered if it is normal in some families and if people see it as the right thing to do?

Urgh. This was my ex MIL - “I’ve raised a lawyer, an accountant and an engineer, now it’s payback time”.

Vile vile woman.

YANBU.

I would never ever ever expect this of my DS when he’s older - any sacrifices I make now (and I am sacrificing my career, at least for a few years) are because I wish to for our family life - they are mine and his dads choices and not a “debt” for him to settle when he’s older.

No this isn’t normal. It was MIL’s choice to have children. They shouldn’t feel they need to pay her back. She’s being greedy and entitled. It needs to stop.

I hate this attitude of "don't forget I fed you and gave you a house" like... of course you did, otherwise your kid would have been taken away by social services?

Did her husband support his mother in this way?

I think she is taking the piss!

Sister and her husband need to be firm and tell her no more. It was her choice to have kids.

The most reward any of us look for for our sacrifices is well turned out, respectful adults. Her attitude is shocking!

So she supported him for 18 years and now potentially wants financial support for thirty plus?

This is ridiculous, she simply sounds a selfish lazy mare and it needs to stop. You have children because you love them and want them. This isn’t a third world arrangement where it’s hard to prevent children being born and all earners are expected to pool money to feed the wider family.

Seems to be an "old school" norm amongst the white, working class families I've met.

No, it's not normal, it's outrageous. You don't say whether the single son lives with his mother, if so he should be contributing to his upkeep. If he has moved out, absolutely not.

I have four adult offspring - seems like I've missed a trick

I agree with other PP - did MIL support her own parents / inlaws when she was young ? She should have, according to her own dictates . Maybe your sister should ask that question of her sister's husband since he apparently thinks this system is OK.

I think it depends on the culture. It wouldn't be standard British cultural expectation to do this. However, I have Irish friends who we call 'the 10-percenters' - each adult child gives Mum and Dad (pensioners) 10% of their salary, to allow them a decent lifestyle. I think they have 8 children, so it's a fair old whack they are getting tax free

And I have to say, my father was brought up by his grandmother - and his entire salary was handed over to her pre his marriage to my mum. But they were exceptional circumstances , post war and dad was the only working man in the house.

When I start to think about this more deeply, this does occur, but in financial hardship. a friend of ours, when unemployed, used to take ALL of his children's money to be able to pay the rent. They were living in Spain at the time, then they relocated back to the UK. benefits

So it does happen, but no, I wouldn't say it's common.

bu

Of course she didn't support her own in laws or parents. She was a single parent and I think uses this as an extra beating stick for her children/ the fact she did it all on her own etc. They both feel very guilty and indebted to her.

Totally normal, assuming that she is Agnes Skinner from The Simpsons.

There's no financial hardship at play (well at least not for her) she has a luxurious lifestyle in comparison to her children who are renting homes etc (sister's MIL owns hers outright).

I guess different things are normal for different cultures. My DF is from a culture where money flows down the generations and never up. My DGPs would give him "pocket money" when he visited even when he was in his 50s. He was horrified at the idea of my paying him rent and doesn't get families where the kids are chucked out at 18.

I don't get this woman's line of thinking. No one is forced to have children.

I do find this extremely weird, I would of course have helped my mum if she were struggling, although my mum probably would have been reluctant to take it, but this is not the case here.

I would not be happy with this in our relationship at all, it would be a definite No.

This is not normal but your sister may struggle to get her DH change to change his behaviour. It's hard to move past this kind of family guilt and manipulation.

Yanbu-
I’ve never heard of this in White British culture. In fact for most people I know it’s the other way around. Youngish married couples with children are taken on holiday with their parents with their parents paying.
One of my friends has significantly more disposable income than her parents and I know she treats them to a take away from time to time but certainly does not support them.
Obviously if a parent was in financial hardship and a child could help them out that would be different.
Most normal people would be embarrassed at having to rely on their children I would think.

I am now humming the Tammy Wynette song, "No Charge."
Perhaps BIL should ask for an invoice!
I am stunned at what I have read. What a strange MIL.

Utterly bizarre.
Most choices about private schools/expensive hobbies etc are that of the parent anyway.
Just weird

Crazy

You’re MIL is ridiculous and self centered - she shouldn’t have had children if she was going to be so bitter about ‘making sacrifices’.

This needs to stop now. What a nasty MIL. She’s making her grandkids lose out because of her selfish demands. Also, those handing over the dosh need to grow a pair and say no.

She had choices. Re her demands, the phrase Fuck Off comes to mind...

What has she said when they told her they will no longer be continuing this arrangement? I’m assuming she doesn’t have a copy of his card and pin

They feel guilty because she was a single parent? Why would they feel guilty, it wasn't their fault or choice????