Should parents be "paid back" for sacrifices they made when raising their children?

[FurtherShowers]

My sister's MIL expects to be paid back financially and emotionally for raising her (now adult) DS. She will openly say "I sent you to a good school, I made sacrifices" etc and believes it is the job of her adult children to support her financially. This includes paying for her holidays, credit cards for discretionary spending, paying various non essential bills etc.

My sister and her DH have two children and my sister is sick of family money being spent on her MIL's luxuries. MIL has another son who is single and gives her a proportion of his wage. I think it's crazy that MIL accepts this, she is young enough and for enough to work and does work part time and has more than enough to cover all of her bills. The money she takes from her children is purely for luxuries and it's upwards of £10k a year (at least).

My sister believes all their spare money (they have less than her MIL and many more outgoings) should be spent on their children, but MIL insists mothers should be financially "looked after" by their sons. To clarify my sister and her husband, and her other son, are financially less secure than MIL.

I am angry on my sister's behalf and want to support her talking to her DH who I believe doesn't realise this isn't normal, but first of all wondered if it is normal in some families and if people see it as the right thing to do?

[IABUQueen]

I come from a different cultural background to your sister, so I’m biased.

In my opinion a reasonable part of the salary should go to the mother. No ones business how it’s spent. It shouldn’t come from the money of the spouse.. and exemptions should be made when the son/daughter are financially struggling.

If your sister is contributing to the house finances she shouldn’t be expected to cover the gaps left by him due to him spending on his mother.

But anyway It does sound like the MIL here is greedy.

[K1618]

@katewhinesalot

He definitely will see how much money he doesn’t have when he’s paying his spousal maintenance, child maintenance and the solicitor for the divorce and his mother 😂😂😂.

It took me a while to break my husband out of his mother’s need to control his money and his whole life but I tell you now, once I did, his depression eventually left and he came off his anti-depressants because his mother is morbid and the entire family are so depressing and controlling. I’ve never known anything like it. It took many people in my family and my friends to repetitively tell him the behaviour from them isn’t normal. I know maybe your sil is more of a private person than I, but I always drop things into conversation in front of my husband and he can see first hand their reaction.

I hope they find a solution, be it him stopping the money or them separating. She needs to think of herself and her kids xx

[IABUQueen]

I think the problem here could be the way the finances are split between your sister and her husband.

Both husband and wife are entitled to have personal account which they’re entitled to do what they want with it.

The house budget and joint savings shouldn’t be funding his mother.. and he can do what he wants from his personal savings..

I would not expect him to pay your parents from his money.. that’s your sisters job if it’s expected or wishes to treat her parents.

But I also hope he isn’t taking out his treats for his mum from a shared pot. Because then she has the right to make demands he stops.

They need to decide on a way to work out how much goes in the shared pot and then whatever is left, to each their own.. really.

[Ilfie]

My daughter’s mil has been draining my son in law for money ever since he started work and he left home 12yrs ago. He’s just a really nice guy and she knows how to turn the screws on him. His 2 siblings have never given her anything for their keep etc even though they’ve never left home. Some mothers seem to have a ridiculous sense of entitlement but I’m not sure how to deal with it, someone impartial should perhaps have a few words with them!

[Nonnymum]

No, I have 2 adult children and absolutely don't expect anything back from them. In fact I would hate for them to feel obliged to look after me when I'm old. Why should they pay me back for looking after them and loving them. I chose to have them and it was my responsibility to care for them. Love given unconditionally cant expect anything back.

[IABUQueen]

llfie

Maybe he wants to though? There should b a middle ground between your daughter wanting her financial needs met and On the other hand a man being free to spend as he pleases without having to answer to his wife for everything....


And the wife doing what she wishes without having to answer to her husband...


On a portion of the income that doesn’t require input from both sides.

I honestly think it’s borderline financially controlling to feel entitled to scrutinise what your son in law does with his money and what he chooses to send to his mother... if that’s his idea of loyalty then let him.

As long as it’s not infringing in anyone

[Ilfie]

No, son in law doesn’t want to keep on giving and has made numerous attempts to get siblings to contribute but they refuse point blank. As I said, he’s just a really good person and being taken advantage of for it!

[AnotherEmma]

Wow, sitting in on a conversation between your sister and her husband, weird
Is it really your sister or is it actually you? I find it strange that you would be so involved in this as to start a thread about it and join in when they discuss it.
I suppose if it's true and she really did want back up then she must have known deep down what his reaction would be. They must have had versions of the conversation many times.
If the relationship is at all salvageable then I think couple's counselling could help but only if he is open to it.
Otherwise I think she needs to consider her options and maybe even consult a solicitor. A husband who puts his mother above his wife and children is not a husband worth keeping.

[Ilfie]

Totally agree with Another Emma

[Onetwistedsista]

What @JohnandMary said. In my culture its the norm and actually frowned upon by 'elders' if you don't ' work for your parents ', however not everybody agrees with it and I certainly won't expect it from my son