Should parents be "paid back" for sacrifices they made when raising their children?

[FurtherShowers]

My sister's MIL expects to be paid back financially and emotionally for raising her (now adult) DS. She will openly say "I sent you to a good school, I made sacrifices" etc and believes it is the job of her adult children to support her financially. This includes paying for her holidays, credit cards for discretionary spending, paying various non essential bills etc.

My sister and her DH have two children and my sister is sick of family money being spent on her MIL's luxuries. MIL has another son who is single and gives her a proportion of his wage. I think it's crazy that MIL accepts this, she is young enough and for enough to work and does work part time and has more than enough to cover all of her bills. The money she takes from her children is purely for luxuries and it's upwards of £10k a year (at least).

My sister believes all their spare money (they have less than her MIL and many more outgoings) should be spent on their children, but MIL insists mothers should be financially "looked after" by their sons. To clarify my sister and her husband, and her other son, are financially less secure than MIL.

I am angry on my sister's behalf and want to support her talking to her DH who I believe doesn't realise this isn't normal, but first of all wondered if it is normal in some families and if people see it as the right thing to do?

[Mishappening]

What a great idea! I have AC - maybe I should start demanding some money from them!

It is totally bonkers - he must just say NO. Simple as that. No ifs, nobuts, just NO!!!

[TheABC]

Why is she stealing from her grandkids? In effect, that's what is happening. You pay it forward in life. Not backwards.

[MatildaTheCat]

You pay back when your parents are old and sick. Not necessarily with money but with love, care and attention.

[CoraPirbright]

Given that everyone in this scenario is white British, I find this scenario bizarre and, frankly, revolting! I have to use all kinds of duplicity to buy my parents even a cup of coffee! My favourite one is to pretend I need the loo and then stop by the cash desk! But they are always quite cross and say they want to treat me. I am mid-40’s!!

Fedup21 said something which really gets to the heart of it : I would point out to the MIL that they are unable to give their own children fantastic opportunities growing up and can’t get themselves on the property ladder purely because they are funding MIL’s house and extravagant holidays-does she not see how selfish she is being?

Given that the MIL has been ingraining this kind of guilt in her sons for years, I am guessing that this is going to be pretty hard to shift. How old was your BIL when he left home? If 18, perhaps she could start making noises regarding being free of supporting this harpy once the 18 years is up? And then when objections are heard, use Fedup21’s quote?

[SpotlessMind]

Not normal. You choose how to bring your children up and make sacrifices accordingly - it’s unconditional, not a quid pro co situation. My parents are even annoyed if we go out for dinner and I try to pay the bill, they see that my resource should go to my children, they’d be mortified if I tried to give them some of my wages. That said, I guess it depends how you’ve been brought up - if this what she did with her parents I guess she would expect it to come back to her now. I’d be livid if I was your sister though.

[5catsandus]

My DH is from a culture where he’s effectively responsible for his mother now that FIL has passed. So he’s bought and renovated her home etc. She has her own money, but he would tend to pay for everything unless she does something we don’t know about. This is quite normal for many people. There is also another brother who does the same. He lives in US. When she travels they pay for her flights and accompany her on the plane. If she comes in holiday with us, she wouldn’t need to bring money. It’s just how it is.

[Sceptre86]

I don't think it is a bad thing for a child to help out their parents if they can afford too For example my brother paid for my dad's car and mum's mobile. However I do think it should be offered and not expected. My DH will buy my mil an outfit for a wedding, or new shoes but doesn't contribute regularly monthly amounts as he cannot afford too currently. If that changes I would be happy for him to providing we could afford it, what she spends the money on would be up to her. My ds is 2 and I have no such expectations of him, if he wants to help me out when he is older great but I think I would just be happy seeing him regularly.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

Tell you'd sister to pack her and the children's bags. Sit her husband down and say he has a choice right now.
Stop paying his mother a single penny or she leaves and they divorce.

This is disgusting and she has got to grow a spine.

[TheRLodger]

Most MIL threads I can almost just about see the though process behind the MIL's behaviour. or indeed its the DH who is actually the issue. However this is just next level and I just don't get the reasoning whatsoever. And no its not at all normal. Especially has your Dsis and her family are suffering as a result.

[katewhinesalot]

In our family we "pay it forward". We help our children start their adult lives just like our parents helped us. We want to do this.

It's a bat shit situation. I would suggest that your sister gets her dh to have counseling to explore his feelings of obligation to his mother. It sounds like FOG to me. Other posters can explain more on what that means. Something about a cycle of fear and obligation.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I raised five kids as a single mum. I went without food and clothes to make sure they were all right. Bills were paid by the skin of my teeth usually.

Now they are all adults and I still live alone, with a pathetically badly paid job and bills are still often paid by the skin of my teeth. And you know what? I would DIE rather than ask my children for money.

I raised them to be independent, to go out and live their best lives. Not to worry about their mum, who is perfectly capable of working and earning and budgeting her own money. Sometimes they take me out to dinner or lunch, that is fine. Anything else, nope. They have their own lives.

Your DSis MIL needs to buck her ideas up and stop trying to guilt her kids into keeping her in the lifestyle she'd like. She made those sacrifices willingly when they were born, or she should have done.

[SnuggyBuggy]

Kayewhineaslot, I think pay it forward is what I was trying to get at. My DDad would be mortified to take my money.

[katewhinesalot]

Oh and the G is guilt

[Ohyesiam]

Her sacrifice her choice, nothing to do with her kids.

[bananasandwicheseveryday]

As almost everybody else has already said, having children is a choice , not a pension plan. Feeding, clothing and housing children is the bare minimum a parent should expect to do for their child. Educating them is a legal requirement - choice of school rests with the parent, but again, that IS the parents' choice.
My family, and DH's family, originate from 'working class, British' stock and despite what at least one poster suggests, I have never heard of this attitude from a parent towards their children in either of our families. By all means, help out when possible - more often though, this is practically rather than financially - but not a regular 'tax' on our income.
I do agree with those who say that your sisters Dh needs to be told firmly that his continued acceptance of the situation is putting his marriage AND his relationship with his own DCs at risk.

[IHateUncleJamie]

@FurtherShowers this is a skewed sense of entitlement on the part of the MIL. If she is narcissistic then nothing will ever be good enough for her and she will demand more and more money, time and attention. The comparison with other people’s “good children” is very telling.

No child asks to be born. Supplying your children with food, shelter, education and unconditional love is basic good parenting, not a “sacrifice” that must be paid back.

Your sister should look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if that rings any bells with her DH about his Mother’s behaviour. It may or may not apply. In either case, if I were your sister I would be laying down firm boundaries and just keep repeating as necessary that children don’t choose to be born. Any “sacrifices” the MIL made were her choice.

[FurtherShowers]

I've sent this to my sister and she is furious- year's if built up resentment and anger and she can see she isn't being mean or petty, it's just plain wrong. There is more (and worse) MIL has done which I won't write here as its outing.

She's asked me to sit down with her tonight and chat to her DH about it, basically issue an ultimatum and see if he will see sense.

[user1486131602]

My mum was the same ...to me!
But that was so she could send my yo7 her sister to private school!
I was always paying her back for something......with interest😮
My thoughts on that: you choose to have kids, you should raise them
I have done this with mine.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

You need to be careful. No matter how Unreasonable my spouse was being I wouldn't want to discuss our martial issues in front of their sibling. She's a mother and a wife yet can't discuss this as an adult alone? You can support her, help her plan but should you really be there?

[Pineapplefish]

I agree - be careful OP. This is between your sister and her DH. I wouldn't get too involved if I was you.

[Butters83]

omg NOOOOO what a cheeky bint!

SHE chose to have a child. SHE chose to make those sacrifices. Her payback is wonderful, well adjusted loving children.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

That was meant to say no matter how much my spouse beloved I was being.

[fedup21]

She wants you to sit down with her to persuade her husband that their financial set up isn’t working.

Yeah, that will go well.

Steer well clear, OP-this has nothing to do with you.

[lboogy]

Depends on the culture. In my culture you are supposed to help your parents. Perhaps not to the extent it greatly affects your lifestyle. Your MIL or sisters MIL is taking the piss.

[katewhinesalot]

You can't be there at the chat. By all means she can print this thread out, but it's not wise to get involved. This is between your sister and her dh.