Should parents be "paid back" for sacrifices they made when raising their children?

[FurtherShowers]

My sister's MIL expects to be paid back financially and emotionally for raising her (now adult) DS. She will openly say "I sent you to a good school, I made sacrifices" etc and believes it is the job of her adult children to support her financially. This includes paying for her holidays, credit cards for discretionary spending, paying various non essential bills etc.

My sister and her DH have two children and my sister is sick of family money being spent on her MIL's luxuries. MIL has another son who is single and gives her a proportion of his wage. I think it's crazy that MIL accepts this, she is young enough and for enough to work and does work part time and has more than enough to cover all of her bills. The money she takes from her children is purely for luxuries and it's upwards of £10k a year (at least).

My sister believes all their spare money (they have less than her MIL and many more outgoings) should be spent on their children, but MIL insists mothers should be financially "looked after" by their sons. To clarify my sister and her husband, and her other son, are financially less secure than MIL.

I am angry on my sister's behalf and want to support her talking to her DH who I believe doesn't realise this isn't normal, but first of all wondered if it is normal in some families and if people see it as the right thing to do?

I'm going to show my sister this thread as she's doubting herself over the whole situation. Then hopefully she can sit down with her DH and start setting some boundaries, otherwise I fear their marriage will be at risk as she's told me she feels he is prioritising his mother over her.

Some cultures very normal - I do it.

I see they are British - not so normal. I do have a friend who’s husband does this for his mum though, however they are very very wealthy so it’s different as they can afford it without any problems.

Get your bil to tell his mum he can’t afford
It anymore.

In the white British setting, no, I've never heard this before. It's insane. I'd respond as someone posted above
"your parents made sacrifices when raising you, you made sacrifices when raising your DS, and now we're making sacrifices while raising our DC. We're paying the sacrifice forward to the next generation"

Your sister needs her husband convincing though. Does he have friends who can point out how wrong this is?

Insane. Her children were not in control of her choices. A good parent's aim is to set their child up for life, so they are happy, healthy, kind, sane, productive and liberated. Not to shackle them to some weird financial guilt trip.
FWIW, DH's adorable dad gave his children all that and can't seem to stop giving. Generous Christmas presents, money for holidays, expensive things the DC need such as laptops and musical instruments. He still sees himself as DH's father and a key provider in the family.

sleepwhenimred

But that's my point. We've lost all perspective of what quality of life actually is. What we're considered luxuries are now considered run-of-the-mill things that we can't forego, lest we be put out.

For me, it's insane. We don't know what's important anymore. We're slaves to corporations, be they phone, TV, holiday or whatever ones. I must have more! They have us right where they want us and at the expense of our sanity. And our families.

Some cultures have it right. Western ones (generally) don't.

It shouldn’t be expected, but it’s nice to do if you can. My mum brought up three girls on her own, and sacrificed a hell of a lot for us - as soon as we were old enough to earn a wage, we contributed to the household bills, not because we were told to, but because we wanted to. I left home 20 years ago, and I still pay the electricity bill, despite my mum having a go at me, because I can and want to. We send her on mini breaks and do what we can, because we want to. There is no expectation on my mum’s part, quite the opposite.

@HarryElephante
Which cultures have it right in your opinion?

OP does your DH remember his parents paying money to his grandparents or is this something MIL has started in this generation

I doubt that a woman with these attitudes made very many "sacrifices". She doesn't sound like the sacrificing type!

LuckyAmy1986

In terms of looking after elders, pretty much all of the older ones. Pick any indigenous culture from what is now considered a western country, and they will have it right.

Saying that, many European cultures have it right also, so maybe not simply 'a' 'western' thingin reflection.

"but MIL insists mothers should be financially "looked after" by their sons. "

And they're both daft enough to do it!

Or maybe they want to?

They must know that it's not what most sons in their culture do?

She sounds very manipulative and not very nice! Your sister needs to put a stop to this but I imagine her husband has been ground down over the years by his mother so it probably won't be easy.

An extra £10k a year is ridiculous and I'd think it probably counts as financial abuse?

When their children start joining clubs and going to university, there won't be enough money to send back to mil. They need to stop it now.

Nope. When you choose to have kids your obligation is to do the best for them that you can. That seems to mean different things to different people and some people seem to be pretty shit in this regard. You are expected to make sacrifices so each generation can be ‘better off’ than the next (not just financially but in all other aspects). You don’t get repaid. How bizarre.

But not in the OP's case, when mil is capable of funding an independent life

Is she though? That's why I asked how she got into her reasonably comfortable situation, fully owned house etc. after bringing up her children alone. OP hasn't answered. Did she work? Was she a reasonably high earner to afford to buy her own house and send her children to 'good schools ' as a single parent? Did she work multiple low paid jobs to support them? Or was the children's father wealthy and supported his children well enough that she was comfortable? If she's never been financially independent and doesn't have work skills to fall back on now, this may be part of it. It isn't the cultural norm for white British families, but this is just another MIL bashing thread and is missing salient information so currently just doesn't add up.

In our culture, this isn’t normal.

She can't insist they give her money. She can tell them to and they can say no. They could also say they don't have it to give to her. I would cut my hours if I was just working to give a proportion of my wages to my MIL for luxuries.
I would never ask my children for money. I put any spare money we have into their bank accounts as I want them to have as big a financial cushion as possible for their futures. It seems odd to do the opposite and take as much as you can from them. If your BIL thinks this is all fine maybe he needs to look at where his priories lie. I would have little time for a man who didn't think they lay with his family unless his mother actually needed the money for basics. Even then he should be helping her access financial help not providing it unless he can afford to without causing financial stress for his children.

My MIL was fond of saying " well I've spent all these years bringing up my children, so now it's their turn to look after me" She was in her 50'S at the time, had never worked more than a couple of hours a day and the family were bought up in poverty

Cue 30 odd years later she hardly see's any of her kids

That said I think it's extremely rare hit people to think this in this country

Absolutely not.

That's why I asked how she got into her reasonably comfortable situation, fully owned house etc. after bringing up her children alone. OP hasn't answered. Did she work? Was she a reasonably high earner to afford to buy her own house and send her children to 'good schools ' as a single parent?

Yes-I’d like to know more detail. How did she afford school fees, mortgage on her own-what job did she do to bring these kids up alone and become so financially secure now?

I would point out to the MIL that they are unable to give their own children fantastic opportunities growing up and can’t get themselves on the property ladder purely because they are funding MIL’s house and extravagant holidays-does she not see how selfish she is being?

I wouldn’t have married and had a child with a man so linked by guilt and apron strings though, I have to say and certainly wouldn’t still be there now-MIL is directly causing these children to go without things so she can enjoy a more extravagant lifestyle.

If the DH is happy to pay it though-your sister is in a difficult situation.

Why is it only now she is bothered by it? I’d have blown a fuse years ago when we couldn’t afford to buy a house.

It is not normal.
Your BIL did not sign a loan agreement as a foetus.
It is not their job to support his Mother's desire to keep up with the Jones'.
What people see is not necessarily what they get, she needs to find some less braggy friends and leave her children's income to them. Under no circumstances would I allow my children to go without to finance my parent's luxuries. He needs to get over his FOG and wake up. Does he think that his mother Will step up if he was to get into dire straits.
How fecking dare she?!

It isn't the norm in Britain and isn't expected or demanded. During a row with my mum many years ago when I was a teenager I remember shouting at her, 'I didn't ask to be born,' which must have been horrible to hear.

I think we owe a responsibility to our parents (assuming they were not abusive) to make sure they are cared for in their old age and don't live in poverty.

I think in this case it sounds like your sister is right.

I raised DD as a solo parent since she was two, yes it was hard and I did make a hell of sacrifices but it was a pleasure to have her.

No way would I make her pay my monthly bills! Although very much appreciated it when she shouts lunch

Eh?

My parents are extremely good to me, help with childcare and other practical, emotional and financial support. I try to thank them as much as possible by getting them nice things and treat them if I can... I would happily pay for holidays etc if I could afford to but it would be as a thanks for their help, not something transactional that they would expect as payback for bringing me up how ridiculous.

Your sister needs to tell her DH that its not on... is MIL happy for their contributions to her lifestyle to be halved so that your sister can fund her own parents as well? I bet she isn't!