Should parents be "paid back" for sacrifices they made when raising their children?

[FurtherShowers]

My sister's MIL expects to be paid back financially and emotionally for raising her (now adult) DS. She will openly say "I sent you to a good school, I made sacrifices" etc and believes it is the job of her adult children to support her financially. This includes paying for her holidays, credit cards for discretionary spending, paying various non essential bills etc.

My sister and her DH have two children and my sister is sick of family money being spent on her MIL's luxuries. MIL has another son who is single and gives her a proportion of his wage. I think it's crazy that MIL accepts this, she is young enough and for enough to work and does work part time and has more than enough to cover all of her bills. The money she takes from her children is purely for luxuries and it's upwards of £10k a year (at least).

My sister believes all their spare money (they have less than her MIL and many more outgoings) should be spent on their children, but MIL insists mothers should be financially "looked after" by their sons. To clarify my sister and her husband, and her other son, are financially less secure than MIL.

I am angry on my sister's behalf and want to support her talking to her DH who I believe doesn't realise this isn't normal, but first of all wondered if it is normal in some families and if people see it as the right thing to do?

It did used happen in white families, certainly in the working class area of the NW in which I grew up, if an adult child lived away from home then there was sometimes an expecation for them to send money home to their parents. I'm talking about pre 1970s, once they married and had their own family it wasn't as common.

I find it interesting in these multi-cultural relationships that it's almost always the non-western 'culture, which takes precedence, in a number of families I know there has been a strain caused by the 'need' to support one person's family.

I find it interesting in these multi-cultural relationships that it's almost always the non-western 'culture, which takes precedence, in a number of families I know there has been a strain caused by the 'need' to support one person's family.

Yes, it's interesting, isn't it. I wonder how married couples from two different cultures reconcile it when a large part of their family income is expected to be paid to one of the couple's parents but nothing to the other. Do the parents from the receiving culture not feel guilty or the parents from the non-receiving culture not feel resentful?

I chose to have my son. He fills my world with pleasure and everything I do for him, I do because it makes me happy to see him happy. And because I love him so much I want to give him every opportunity to fulfil as much of his potential as he wants to when he's an adult. I actually owe him that as part of my responsibility for choosing to bring him into existence. He owes me absolutely nothing for what I give him in childhood and even into at least his early adulthood. I truly hope that as an adult he still loves me and chooses for me to always be an important part of his life, but he has no obligation to feel that way. His life is his own.

He will only owe me financially if in his adulthood I loan him money with a sincere expectation that he pays me back. Or if he still lives with me and has to pay for his expenses. Or maybe if he buys my house. That's it.

I’m a terribly passive aggressive person (when warranted) if I was your DS I would start making pointed comments to the children in front of MIL

Sorry we can’t afford that beause grandma spends our money on holidays for herself.

We can’t send you to a nicer school because grandma spends our money on expensive clothes.

Why don’t you ask Grandma if you can do X hobby instead of daddy have to give her all his money. 🤔 IF grandma loves you I’m sure she won’t mind 😬

Also gives them a great Reason to cut contact with MIL if the kids end up disliking/resenting her!

To utterly confound her 'reasoning', he simply needs to ask her how she was possibly able to make these claimed abundant sacrifices for him and his brother if she was handing over a large chunk of her income to 'repay' her own parents - as he knows that doing so renders him unable to make any sacrifices beyond the absolute basics of being a parent for his own children.

If she says that she didn't in fact make these sacrifices and that she's been lying all along in order to cash in, she's rumbled.

If she says that she and her parents didn't believe that a child should bankroll their parents to 'repay' them, and so she didn't insist on giving her parents a load of cash, she's rumbled.

If she says that she was so well off that she could hand over a massive wedge each month and also give them a huge amount towards buying their house whilst simultaneously lavishing money on her sons, then she clearly didn't have to make sacrifices, and she's rumbled.

I'd still love to know what her response would be if OP's Sister and BIL just told her one day that her system is indeed the correct one - and she's more than had her turn, so now it's the turn of her parents to be bankrolled by their DD and SIL.

in your sister’s position I would probably be mentioning divorce if this didn’t stop

If parents were to be "paid back" for their efforts in bringing up their children, then they should expect to be "paid back" for their failings and omissions.
That might not sit very well with them.

Let's flip this reasoning. My mother hated me and treated me very badly and spent as little as possible for my needs (no wants). So should I expect her now to pay me for everything she didn't do or the love she never gave me? Heck no! I haven't spoken to her in 35 years.

we shouldn't pay our parents back, we should pay it forward, very selfish of parents to expect to be paid back, how can you properly become an adult and have your own family if you are forever beholden to your parents?
This is a regressive, backward, counterproductive attitude which is out of step with modern life

I’ve heard some crazy things on MN but this tops everything! Your sister needs to be proactive. If her salary goes into a joint account then it plus any other monies such as Child benefit now need to go into her own personal account. Following that, she needs to tell her husband that this has got to stop. If she’s happy with occasional gifts then great but they can’t give more than they can afford.

Not normal. I am curious if she gave all her extra money to her parents? Even if she did, it's not normal and I would not be ok with that, I'm just curious. A parent's payback or reward for being a good parent is having happy, successful adult children.

come back OP, we're making a plan for you to give her what for :o

This is not normal at all.Very demanding and strange MIL. Its usually that you might have to look after your older parents later in life. if they can't manage things, but just caring,and not financial stuff.. Nothing to do with paying back someone.

Shouldn't he be saving to send his own children to a "good school" and provide for people who have no choice but to be dependent on their parents?
Did your sister know this "deal "prior to marrying this man and his mother?

It's really cheeky fuckery unreasonable.

It's also unheard of in mainstream American culture. It's really the opposite here. If parents can afford it they are expected to help the kids.

My lovely MIL has contributed substantially to the DC's university costs, for which we are hugely grateful.

Mumsnet is such an eye opener sometimes. No definitely not the right thing to do!

Nope, they were her choices for her child. Children always come first and you get paid in hugs and kisses (Well when they are young). Then you get paid when they turn out to be a good human being because of you.

Just nuts.

Maybe being white makes you innately selfish and entitled - I don't know! However, it would depend on several things. Did you have good caring parents that really did sacrifice for you and not just bring you up ordinary [school, food and that's it which anyone can do] or even worse they were horrible parents and you had a crap life as an innocent child then hell NO! However, if they sacrificed for you because some parents do go the mill whilst others just won't then IF you can afford to give something back to lessen any burden on your parent's life then I think you should want to do that. They probably won't expect it or ask for it even if they hope for it if they are loving parents and sacrificed but what the hell! If you are lucky enough to have great parents that got you to a place where you yourself are reaping the benefits then give a little back their way otherwise it's damn darn selfish. "Oh thank you for having me but I didn't ask for you to have me and life is sweet so thank you" This is what families should do, help each other and so the circle should continue but only if as parents they really went there for you as a child.

If you have parents in a 3rd world country most kids will send money back home in order to help their parents. However i have never heard of such an arrangement EVER. I have also never come across a mother that could be so selfish and self centred. Yes i help out my parents, they never accept money from me or any of their chidren. When we go we just colect the mail and pay bills, just for us to get told to stop wasting our money on them.. Your sister needs to put her foot down. It would be different if he was a billionaire and his wife and kids were secure. But hes not and needs to sort himself out

Do you live in the UK and are all of British origin as this is not usual if you are. Some cultures do have a tight hold on their children and expect them to be reverent towards parents even in adulthood. What would MIL do if you didn't have any money to give. Your DH needs to address this but, if it's his culture will be very difficult to change.

That is not normal at all. She made sacrifices to experienece the joy and love that also comes from raising a child. Appalling behaviour from the MIL.

@WiseNiceWoman - Maybe being white makes you innately selfish and entitled

That's a rather racist statement!

You shouldn’t be obliged to pay back what your parents give you. When I give my daughter things it’s because I want her to be happy and successful. When my mum gave me stuff she wanted the same. That’s not to say I don’t take great pleasure in treating my mum when I can. It’s never expected though.

That's ridiculous and the fact your BIL doesn't even have his own home yet but she is happy to scab off him. She should be ashamed of herself. It's also crazy though that your SIL is happy to stay in a relationship with a man who's putting his mother before his own family.