Should parents be "paid back" for sacrifices they made when raising their children?

[FurtherShowers]

My sister's MIL expects to be paid back financially and emotionally for raising her (now adult) DS. She will openly say "I sent you to a good school, I made sacrifices" etc and believes it is the job of her adult children to support her financially. This includes paying for her holidays, credit cards for discretionary spending, paying various non essential bills etc.

My sister and her DH have two children and my sister is sick of family money being spent on her MIL's luxuries. MIL has another son who is single and gives her a proportion of his wage. I think it's crazy that MIL accepts this, she is young enough and for enough to work and does work part time and has more than enough to cover all of her bills. The money she takes from her children is purely for luxuries and it's upwards of £10k a year (at least).

My sister believes all their spare money (they have less than her MIL and many more outgoings) should be spent on their children, but MIL insists mothers should be financially "looked after" by their sons. To clarify my sister and her husband, and her other son, are financially less secure than MIL.

I am angry on my sister's behalf and want to support her talking to her DH who I believe doesn't realise this isn't normal, but first of all wondered if it is normal in some families and if people see it as the right thing to do?

You pay her back by doing the best for your own children! End of!!!

It sends a terrible message to your children that they are not intrinsically worthwhile, rewarding or lovable and so they have to constantly pay tribute to you in order to have any value as people.
That you don't love them for who they are you only love them if they pay you money.
I want my children to go forth into the world, to transcend me to become better than I could imagine myself being...an idealistic sentiment of course but this dreadful setup of 'i created you I own you and you must always work for me' that is not a loving parent, that is a tyrannical ruler

Narcissistic mothers. They have a hold over their children. Find a book on it. Your eyes will be opened.

Not normal IMO. We all chipped in when we lived at home but once we moved out we stopped. I thought it was more normal for parents to be helping adult children out financially.

Wow how very odd. My retired mother helps me out financially. She’s got savings and her own home and a pension from a decent job. She will take me and my kids away for a few days and always pays when we eat out. She would never take money off me. My dad (they’re divorced) does not help me out any way financially but does not expect any help from me financially either. Again, he lives off a decent pension and has his own home but says I’ll get his money when he dies.

I can’t imagine having to give a proportion of my income to my parents. I’d be homeless and living off the food bank. Every penny of my income is budgeted for work regards to essentials. When I called a debt charity once for advice when my ex husband left me with some debt they asked for my income and outgoings and told me I was under budgeting for my weekly food shop!!

I know that my mother in law bitterly resented her son marrying me and depriving her of his support. We paid her gas, electricity and TV rental bills while we were both working but when we had our first child, that all had to stop.
Before we were married his sisters would not let him back in the house unless he paid up. They were never asked to as they were saving up to get married !

very weird and i wouldn't stay married to someone who was prepared to give his dm money for luxuries, outofoney rhata needed for the kids/family. ffs she is taking the absolute piss!

sorry loads of typos *out of money that's

She chose to have kids and can f* right off.

The ultimate pyramid scheme.

@wisenicewoman
IN what world is it okay to call a person a racially originated stereotype?
Are you the mil in question?

What a ridiculous notion. My DH and his siblings do a lot to help out their mum, but not because she demands it, rather because she's their mum, and they are glad to be able to do jobs for her when they are able. She is also always willing to support and care for her grandkids. No way would I think it was normal for my DH to "pay" his mum for being his mum!

Is there any chance of them moving away? Or they could get the house altered, new kitchen or similar and suddenly have a huge mortgage. Maybe they could even ask for a loan as they simply don’t have enough - see what the old mother says to that - I suppose rich people do this but normal people usually don’t have a lot to spare. I would suddenly have a lot of expenses and “not know how to cope” so would stop paying ; a bounced cheque might get the message through! “Oh, sorry, we had to pay the electric, car tax, car insurance, house insurance and our annual health insurance, we have hardly anything to buy groceries, I think it is time you stopped expecting to live off our money”. Cheeky oiks

Could it be a cultural thing? I’m only saying this because as a Hispanic when we get older we do buy our parents things and support our parents but it’s NOT because we feel obligated to do so. We do it because we love family so much that the thought of our parents struggling or not having will not fly. My Caucasian British husband was raised differently. They borrow money off each other with the notion of paying it back but my side of the family we chuck money at each other without a second thought. I’ve never heard a Latina grandmother saying outright they expect the royal treatment unless it like in a joke as in “you better not put me in a home” lol if they are a different part of the world it can be very much a “thing” I never think twice about sending my sister money just because I love her or sending my mom and dad money if I have an extra £ to spend. But outright expecting it is pretty shocking and just plain sad 😔

No!

As a UK citizen living in the EU whose three dc all wanted to go to uni in the UK, we have had to pay most of their living costs as they could only get fee loans. As a result, we have had to spend our pension fund (we are both self employed) and dh will be 64 before dc3 is out the other side, hence little time to save up again.

We absolutely do not expect them to pay for us. They will struggle enough to pay their own bills/pay for their potential family. Each generation should look out for the next generation, not the previous one.

The problem is your BIL and his brother allowing this to happen.

Giving money to his mum for luxuries that his own wife and children don't have is rather foolish.

So I question how great a job she did in raising them, if they don't recognise that charity begins at home

If she was living in poverty, it really struggling to meet bills or eat decent food, then I think they should help her.

I don't think parents should be paid back fir sacrifices. They are choices you make as parents when you have children.

I think more than money, adult children should check in on their parents and help out with physical tasks they can't do.

I'm very surprised he used to give her half his pay though. How would he have survived on half his pay?
Was he still living at home and not paying his own rent and bills at this time?

Place marking for the outcome.

This ludicrous. I’ll parents make sacrifices. My children owe me nothing

I wouldn't say it's a white British thing to that level, but many people I know help out their families.

This actually got me thinking- I'm in my mid 30s and my mum still does my ironing! She likes doing it and she enjoys the contact it brings as it means she gets to see us every week. She cuts my partners hair and colours mine for me and will come and look after our house when we're away. She provides childcare 2 days a week and expects nothing for it. If I gave her money she would be insulted.

In return, I pay for her mobile phone, this year We will be paying for her holiday. I do all of her paperwork and sort out any bills/insurances etc. If she wants to decorate then I go and help and vice Verda. If she needs anything then she only needs ask. She doesn't, but she knows that I would do anything for her.

My DP comes from a different sort of family to mine and when we first met I was shocked that they don't really see a need for helping each other out and if they do they want paying for their time! It made me very sad. It has gotten a bit better - i guess we all just have our own family norms

Posted too soon... I would not be sacrificing a portion of our monthly income to my mum or mil. I will help when I can and don't mind paying for small things but a credit card bill? No thanks.

Well this is obviously batshit, but you need to be very careful about getting involved and becoming the scapegoat for any fallout in terms of arguments between your sister and her husband. (Not to mention arguments with MIL.)

As PPs have no doubt pointed out, the real problem is her husband, as he will have been conditioned to comply with his mother's wishes, he will be deep in the FOG (fear obligation and guilt) and any change will need to come from him.

I suggest you give your sister a copy of "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward and suggest that she starts her own thread in the Relationships section. Just support her, that's all you can do here. The rest is between her and her husband.

imip

Fuck no!

I’d be demanding a refund from my shitty parents!

imip

Fuck no!

I’d be demanding a refund from my shitty parents!

😂 same here

That's a crap copy and paste!

Absolutely this is total shit, awful, it needs to be stopped, she sounds a terrible person.

Perfectly normal in some cultures. But these tend to be second and third world nations were your resources are limited and state funded care doesn't exist. In those states, yes, people have an expectation that their children will take care of them in their old age. Their simply isn't any other option.

In the UK care of relatives is a business and we pay others to do it. Therefore the burden is a rather remote one. We may pay for care, but we expect the state to liquidate all assetts first, only then would we consider paying anything ourselves.

That's definitely not normal, she decided to have children.

No child chooses to be born. That is the decision of the parent(s). A child does not payback for this decision. Bonkers.
Not sure chat will have gone well - this life is all he's known.