To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

nooboo2

It is probably just the wording but what do you mean by
"We decided to send her"?

It doesn't mesh with she was keen to go.

As for this, it could just be a wobble and she will be happy as Larry tomorrow.

Or it could well be a focal point in your relationship for years to come.

And even if its just a blip, in the future please don't try and make it in to one of those "funny" situations.

Why would you think that true homesickness is an opportunity to poke fun?

I don't.

You have absolutely no basis for assuming this IS true homesickness, @DecomposingComposers. You're doing transference. And you're imposing your experience and will and thoughts onto this person's child, who hasn't even posted.

The child's been away less than 24 hours.

OF COURSE if she can't cope you go and collect her.

But you make her give it a chance.

There is NOTHING that beats the feeling of thinking "I can't do this.... I can't do this... Holy shit: I CAN do this". If the child can make this week a sucess, it'll set her up for life. If she can't the parent should rescue her. But they HAVE to give her a chance to make it work first.
I think.

I think solving children's problems for them is immediately satisfying for the child (their problem goes away) and for the parent (they've made life easier for the person they love the most and want life to be easy and smooth for).
However, we bring children up to live in a world as independents without us. In order to do that, they need to solve their own problems. Of course we give them guidance. Of course we rescue them when they need rescuing. But we have to let them fail, we have to let them make mistakes and learn from them and we have to let them experience things that aren't comfortable for them (or us).

When a 3 yr old runs out of nursery and says "xx was MEAN to me" we don't go and punch the kid on the playground (much as we may want to). We give our child TACTICS to deal with it next time. ("That doesn't sound very nice... can you share your toy with Mary next time?" "How do you think Jack was feeling?")

If the child in the OP can infiltrate this group she's finding so tricky and make friends there, she'll be AWESOME. Unstoppable. She'll know that you can drop her down ANYWHERE on this planet and that she can make friends and make the situation work for her.
What do you want kids to learn?

IF the group turn out to be nasty. IF the leaders don't support the child, then of course you swoop in and rescue her. And - obviously - you speak to the leaders and do what you can from the outside.
You don't drop a newborn into water without swimming aids, but you DO teach them to swim.

RosesAndRaindrops

I would think that the point is not to disregard the DD's feelings in this.
Her family has moved away from her friends and at the same time she is at a camp that isn't what was promised.

And TBH instead of TLC on the phone it gets put down on her.

Cringing extremely hard at the poster who suggested one of her parents goes on the activities tomorrow with them all - the single worst possible thing that anyone could do in this whole situation.

And all of the people who think it’s nothing and that’s she’s just being a drama queen. Can you imagine turning up as a complete stranger on a private residential hen do with a group of women who have had a long history of friendship with each other and don’t know you from Adam? Doesn’t sound like great fun does it? This is no different.

Completely abandoned? When it was this morning?

I understand that it seems illogical roses. Looking back now I cannot understand why it seemed so enormous. 5 days is nothing right? But at the time it was a visceral reaction. It's so hard to describe it. The closest that I can compare it with is a phobia. That absolutely overwhelming reaction that you can't control.

BoneyBackJefferson I agree.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe

Some of what you say I agree with. Of course as parents our job is to teach independence. That's our goal - that our children leave us. But who's to say how that is achieved? There isn't one set way that works for every child. Maybe putting this girl into this particular situation is just too much. Why wouldn't she have learnt resilience by going to college as the new girl and making friends at a more natural pace? Why is going away to a strange place with a group who know each other but you know no one the best way to learn resilience?

You say if she can infiltrate this group she'll be AWESOME. Unstoppable. She'll know that you can drop her down ANYWHERE on this planet and that she can make friends and make the situation work for her. What twaddle. There will be many other situations where she won't get on with people for a myriad reasons.

And then you say if it goes wrong obviously rescue her. But at what cost? What if it goes so wrong that she can't face going to college?

Maybe I am projecting but no more so than any poster saying she'll be fine, she'll love it, these camps are a great experience etc.

Agree with others about a lack of resilience among young people now. I think helicopter or snow plough parenting has a lot to do with it.

When I was a kid I did as I was told by a parent. I went where I was told. We got put on planes from the age of 7 by ourselves to visit family overseas for all the long holidays—Easter, Christmas and summer—and we were fine. Yes I was sad getting on the plane, but once I got there I was fine. I went on week-long French and German exchanges at 14 and 15. Did Erasmus and went on a 3 week exchange at 16.

Then at 18 I left for uni and never moved back home. 16 year olds are not children. They’re old enough to work full time (and have children of their own in many parts of the world). They’re on the cusp of adulthood.

This is why we have so many adult babies in the workplace that can’t cope with criticism, setbacks or not being completely in charge of everything.

You did the right thing, OP. She’ll be fine, maybe a bit cross, but a bit braver too.

16 year olds are not children. They’re old enough to work full time (and have children of their own in many parts of the world). They’re on the cusp of adulthood.

Then why would a 16 year old not have the autonomy to be able to decide to leave this camp? If she's not a child she should be able to decide not to stay there. Why must she be subjected to something that she doesn't want on the say so of her parents?

And how do you know that she'll be fine? What if she isn't?

I think you're projecting. It's 5 days max. You don't swoop in after less than a day unless there's something like forest fires or safeguarding. Protecting your child is going in on Day 3 (unless there's forest fires or safeguarding or similar). By Day 3 they've tried and it hasn't worked. THEN you take them away.

You learn resilience by experiencing, dealing and experiencing, dealing. You certainly DON'T learn it by other's swooping in and rescuing you.

Imagine your child ends up in an abusive relationship. Do you want that child to wait until someone comes along and rescues them? Of course you don't... You want them to get themselves the fuck out.

I stand by "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah". And I stand by if this child turns things around BY THEMSELF, they'll be amazingly strong in September. And THAT is good parenting.. it's giving the child the tools to use in life.
Groups are INCREDIBLY intimidating. But you can usually find a link to worm your way in. Learning this is powerful. Finding things hard is difficult (obvs). Knowing you survived is so empowering.

My 16 year old left school in June this year.
(Ie a few weeks ago lol). Starts college in a few weeks.
If we'd have waved him off on a trip this morning, we'd seriously just have to jump tonight if he was in no danger, just because people were friends already and he didn't know anyone?!
Yes I'd feel awful but know we could get him tomorrow.

I’m sure if she was close to a train or bus station she could. The issue is that she’s trying to get her parents to come out late at night and drive 2 hours there and back after they’ve had a drink.

Learning how to be the newbie in a group is an essential life skill. You rarely go into higher education or work knowing people. It’s one of those things where baby must be pushed out of the nest.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe
Imagine your child ends up in an abusive relationship. Do you want that child to wait until someone comes along and rescues them? Of course you don't... You want them to get themselves the fuck out.

Lets relate that directly to this.

DD rings up at night at home in tears and very upset. Her partner has done whatever. Maybe for the first time maybe after a series of events.
Instead of saying "we will be right over" you say "it will be ok, it is just one more night"

Would you actually do this?
Like fuck would you, you would either be over like a shot or you would be ringing the police.

RosesAndRaindrops

just because people were friends already and he didn't know anyone?!

But that isn't the full story, it is just the bit that you choose to focus on.

And I stand by if this child turns things around BY THEMSELF, they'll be amazingly strong in September. And THAT is good parenting.. it's giving the child the tools to use in life.

Why will she be incredibly strong? She might not gel with the group, might not make friends, might hate being there but resigns herself to having to stay because she's got no other option. What strength does she draw from that? Why will it make her amazingly strong and what tools are her parents giving her? Don't phone me with your problems, I spent money on this trip so get on with it. What tools are they?

Groups are INCREDIBLY intimidating. But you can usually find a link to worm your way in. Learning this is powerful. Finding things hard is difficult (obvs). Knowing you survived is so empowering.

What other groups do you encounter where they are all friends and you are the outsider plus you are away from home, with no phone and have none of your normal support structures?

@Alislia17 fuck off

@AngelasAshes projecting much? You are not there either so stop with your guilt tripping. @nooboo2 DD is 16 not 6. Time to grow up and learn some very important life skills, like not running away when things get difficult.

If she feels the same tomorrow (today!) go and get her.

I’m in the “poor girl” camp. She must be utterly miserable being permanently moved four hours away from her friends at 16. Cut her some slack.

'Poor girl. I don't agree that the OP has to put with the swearing but it is kind of understandable in the circumstances'.

Nope. Wouldn't put up with that.

Poor girl yes

But stop being all "omg i cant believe op hung up on her ". She is a 16yo girl who threw a fit and was swearing and being unwilling to listen. So ... yeah i get it !

Op. Never let her suck you into buying her £££ worth of stuff for a 5 day thing. Also:your intentions were great but it didnt turn out great due to circumstancesbeing the worst. So pick her up. Suck it up and get on :)

She needs to learn that a, you cant drink and drive and b, swearing gets you no where

For people comparing this to an abusive relationship shame on you adults get taxis or drive themselves they dont ring and kick off demanding someone get them they just need to make sure someone is there when they do

There sounds like alot of pressure to make friends on this trip. Maybe she's just not in the right zone at the moment and it would be more damaging for her to stay. I agree that her feelings should not be disregarded. She will know what the vibe is and her view should be trusted. We've all been somewhere and it just hasn't clicked and we've decided to leave for what ever reason. Sometimes there's a time to stick it out and sometimes there's a time to make a sharp exit.
You say you will feel disappointed If she comes home early - if this is the case then please don't make her feel that she's somehow failed and jeopardize the opportunity to make friends. There will be loads of opportunities at college - it doesn't all hinge on this one.

Haven’t read all the replies but have read OPs updates and it got me interested as this is quite similar to a situation I was in as a teenager.
Before starting college I was invited to a party by someone I had met over the summer who I would be going to college with. I only knew this one person, so they said I could bring a friend. 2 of us went. It was huge, in an abandoned house, a proper rave in the middle of nowhere. My Dad dropped us off. We were having fun for a while (and this is the key comparison). Anyone who would’ve observed us, would’ve seen that everything seemed fine, we were enjoying ourselves, but we split up for a bit and I started talking to a guy who got a bit full on. I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. I found my friend and rang my parents. I asked to be picked up but they told me I’d have to wait until the agreed time (4 hours later). I lost it, and was really upset. I didn’t want to talk to them about the guy because I was embarrassed (even though looking back if I had my Dad would’ve been there in a flash).
The point in sharing this is, is it possible that, if your daughter got that upset that quickly, the girls she was with said or did something that she just isn’t able to share right now but needs to be away from?