To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

For what it's worth I agree that she should wait til the morning.

I don't think any bullying has occured. In the past when someone has started on her she's told them where to go and has dealt with it herself.

I think she's greatly missing her friends and has struggled not being able to contact them.

It sounds like she had a wobble and felt overwhelmed, OP. Hopefully she’ll sleep well and feel brighter tomorrow.

@DecomposingComposers, but your younger self sounds unusually un-resilient. Moving away to university or for work is quite usual.

From some one who aged 15 moved 130 miles away from where they grew up and started college I think it was a bad call her going. In college she would meet people with the same interests on her course, and from many schools willing to mix. On a camping trip where she knows nobody and friendships are already formed she's going to feel like an outside and it will knock her cong idence when she starts at college.

OP it sounds like they are trying to help her settle, which is good news.

@DecomposingComposers Bit older than you, as are my children, but it seems as if we have similar attitudes to parenting.
My parenting made me ferociously independent and it did make me more resilient to emotional blackmail from elderly parents whining about being lonely.

decomposing You evidently were never destined to go 'out' into the world. It's not for everyone.

But the way you suggest that the OP's DD should be in no way challenged, due to your own limitations, isn't helpful.

How sad.
The way you hung up on your distressed daughter.
I don't understand this whole "go on this trip so you can be forced into friendship"
When I went to college I didn't know anyone on my course and my college was in the same city I grew up in, where have you got the idea that everyone will know one another?
Unless you live in the tiniest village I'm sure she won't be the only one.

Based on what I've been told and what I know about DD's personality, what I think has gone on is she's just had a wobble. I think she started to miss her old friends (she's cried over this a few times) and had a bit of a wobble while her group were walking to the camp (that's when she went AWOL). Not wanting to cry in front of potential new friends she's ran off back to the dorm to calm herself down and compose herself. Staff have turned up trying to take her to the campfire before she is ready and so she has refused. Unable to leave her they've taken her to reception to call us to calm her down (they told me that). Then she's become embarrased and that's why she's asked to come home.

I don't know for sure but I know my DD and I think this is what has happened. Have asked the group leader to let her phone me in the morning.

Oh, ffs, a camping trip isn't a cult. Is it not possible the OP's DD might've met another person, on the periphery of that group, who she hit it off with?

Are we not all tarring a group of 16 year old girls as being a blood-gang, immune to 'incursion'?

but your younger self sounds unusually un-resilient. Moving away to university or for work is quite usual.

Of course its usual, unless you've been damaged by an earlier experience, which is what I'm saying. I only went on 1 trip. Was so incredibly homesick and was made to stick it out, assured that I would come to enjoy it except that I didn't. That experience, how I felt and learning how my parents reacted damaged me for a very long time. I feared ever experiencing anything like it again and so, in my head, I figured the only way to avoid feeling like it was simply to never go away again. I couldn't risk going to uni, wanting to come home but being forced to stay. Knowing the sense of disappointment that my parents felt when I wanted to come home from a week's trip can you imagine what it would have been if I wanted to leave uni if it wasn't right for me?

That's what I'm getting at. Yes, we need to help.our children to learn resilience. I'm not advocating not letting our children grow up or become independent. What I'm saying is that there isn't only 1 way to build resilience. For some children, the knowledge that they can depend on their parents and that their parents empower them to trust their own feelings is what allows them to build resilience.

Being secure in the knowledge that had I asked to come home that my parents would have allowed it probably would have given me the courage to try. Knowing that I could go for an hour, a day or a week would have given me the confidence to try it. But knowing that if you went you had to stick it out come what may just made me to scared to try it.

I hope the girl is okay, 16 is a difficult age. Maybe she will feel brighter in the morning.

I feel sad for her that her mother hung up on her when she was already so distressed, that must've really stung. Seeing all the others having fun in their established groups will no doubt have reminded her that her friends are far away.
I hope for her sake the rest of the evening goes well.

I have to say that I'm with decomposing on this one. What some simply see as tantrums can be panic/fear/lack of control. Yes, we want to encourage kids not to quit at the first hurdle and build resilience, but we also need to know when it is ok to quit. This applies just as much to adults. Sometimes we forget what it is to be powerless. Many of us would have a melt down if where we lived and what we did was controlled, esp if that took us away from our friends and way of life.

OP you absolutely did the right thing in calling and speaking to someone there. She may also have been laughing with others as an attempt to fit in, whilst still feeling an outsider. I would offer to pick her up tomorrow or at any point that she needs it. That may be enough reassurance to give her confidence to stick it out. If you do collect her tomorrow, perhaps see if you can get her to stick it out during the day. That may give her more of a chance to settle and change her mind.

You evidently were never destined to go 'out' into the world. It's not for everyone.

Says who though? Why is it that there's only one way to do this? We are all different. We all grow at different rates. We have different personalities. Had my first experience of homesickness been handled differently maybe the outcome for me would have been very different. Instead it set off a cascade that has affected me to this day because it just taught me that I had to avoid any situation that I wasn't in complete control of.

I don't think the op was right to hang up the phone and then not answer any further calls. No doubt that just made her dd more distressed. Why couldn't she have reassured her dd that they would drive up in the morning but talked to her for as long as she needed? What will happen if this affects the daughter's confidence and she refuses to go to college? I can't see why this trip was seen as such a great idea. As a pp said, it would have been much better to just go along and make friends at college as most other students do.

It's up to you of course but if it were me, and especially since the activity was led from you rather than her if I read it correctly, I would go and get her straight away, but given the difficulties with your not being able to drive between you I'd tell her that we would come to collect her first thing in the morning. You never know, she might change her mind by then but at least you will be there by the morning if she needs it.

Don't know if this link will work, but finger's crossed!

www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=3&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwj6j8yH8-LjAhVkRxUIHQfgAekQwqsBMAJ6BAgLEAo&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D2gtDhSA6W_E&usg=AOvVaw2d1cc5XS88DK0hZoREtRqI

I feel sad for her that her mother hung up on her when she was already so distressed, that must've really stung.

Blimey. I’m surprised at how many people on here would let their 16 year olds swear and shout at them! My mum would quite rightly have hung up on me if I’d spoken to her like that.

Mums don’t have to take abuse. How will teens learn how to behave when upset for later in life if they are so pandered to?

I can’t swear and shout at my boss or colleagues if I’m upset and want to keep my job. Or friends/partners if I want to maintain the relationships.

16 is certainly old enough to know better.

OP, it sounds like your DD does just miss her friends & found herself backed into a corner. Hopefully she’ll be ok after a good sleep and the girls will help her enjoy tomorrow and she’ll have changed her mind about coming home.

I've been thinking about it the whole way through this thread!

I can’t believe you hung up on her.

Yep red my parents used to sing that to me quite frequently. They found it hilarious.

Why would you think that true homesickness is an opportunity to poke fun? Would it be ok to do the same to someone who has agorophobia or claustrophobia or an eating disorder? These conditions impact hugely on a person's life. I don't think it should be dismissed like that.

Surely the way we show children that a situation isn't scary is by gentle exposure. You don't just throw them in to an overwhelming situation and tell them to get on with it.

I think the OP knows her dd well.
If my DD swore at me on the phone she'd have been lucky to have me put the phone down on her,and if she ever did do that would be unlikely to want to come straight home.
My DD is in her last week of the NCS(and I irresponsibly drank a lot of Pimm's in the warm weather while she was away) she is dejected because she won't see people again and the new friendships will end.But I think she will realise that she made friends with a group of strangers so when she starts college with another group of total strangers she can make friends,they will share common interests and the good and the bad will last for 2 years.
She's not that resilient yet but maturing and learning.
OP you and your DD sound as if you have a good relationship and that she will settle and enjoy the rest of the week.

She’s not in any danger and will be fine until the morning. YANBU
This
She might think they all know each other and it's crap for her, she hates it, but she'll live until morning.
Context - I have a very nearly 16 year old, he could surely sit out until tomorrow if not enjoying it.
I don't drive, DH sometimes has a drink on a night, nope would be leaving it until morning.
Obviously if it was serious would get a cab but this doesn't sound like it needs one.

Decomposing, so true.

My DM had to have emergency surgery when I was 11 years old. I had to stay with family friends while she was in hospital and I still remember clearly hiding behind a school building so I wouldn't have to go with them.

That feeling of panic and hopelessness you feel is very hard to explain to anyone who has never experienced debilitating home sickness.

My DS is exactly the same. My DD would go anywhere, with anyone from an early age.

I can remember phoning home, completely hysterical. No amount of threatening, bribing, cajoling or tough love would have changed how I felt. This poor girl must feel completely abandoned.

Completely abandoned? When it was this morning?
She'll survive one single night away that she presumably agreed to go on and wanted to