To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

Did you and your DS escalate your safeguarding concerns to the camp owners and the council? What was the camp?

“So do you see how that's not the same as your experience? ”
DUH, of course I do since I was not comparing the OP to the BIL. I was actually agreeing with decomposing on why it is prudent to have a sober adult in general when kids are involved and giving an example for that side bar conversation.
You really need to work on your reading comprehension.

@DecomposingComposers

*Oh yes, a meal out with the parents that have made her unhappy, yep that'll fix it.

If only my parents had promised meal on my return home. It would have made it all so much more bearable (plus would have put back the stone in weight I list due to not eating on the trip because I was so upset).*

Ok drama llama 🙄

So evidently it's considered reasonable for a near adult to hold a never ending grudge over their parents for paying for a trip they wanted to go on and then not pick them up immediately when they decided they didn't like it after making almost no effort.

The meal out was a small gesture I think is an appropriate level of reward for sticking out a couple of days not doing exactly what you want. At this age, I don't really think any reward is needed for sticking with a perfectly safe trip she was keen on going on because she didn't immediately make fast friends, especially when she'd had a hissy fit about not being picked up right away, which I just think is ungrateful.

Don't take her out to dinner then if that aspect is so offensive to you, maybe tell her she'll have a job in a couple of years where she will not be able to video chat her friends all day and will need to be able to cope without starving herself on a short, 5 day trip.

Jeez, must remember never to make a comment until I've remembered how dramatic people are on here about things that are basically a right of passage in youth.

@Pricedrop
I agree people are forgetting the larger picture. The OPs DD has just moved, lost her friendship group & cannot even access their support remotely, she is dealing with stress of waiting for GCSE results day and not knowing if she will even have the grades for her sixth form,

It’s like the straw that broke the camels back. At some point you can’t be overwhelmed.

*can be overwhelmed

@BigSandyBalls2015 and @AE18 it's obvious that @DecomposingComposers can only deal in extremes and has no concept of a happy medium where a child (young adult, teenager, whatever) can be encouraged to push through an uncomfortable situation without being completely abandoned, or where a grown adult can have a glass or two of wine of an evening without being a raging alcoholic.

@AE18

Why are you assuming that I, or the ops dd, chose to react like this? Why are you viewing it as some sort of temper tantrum?

I certainly didn't choose to starve myself. I became so upset and withdrawn that I couldn't eat. Lots of people have the same reaction to stress. Do you express your contempt for people in distressing situations in the same way?

Just because you can't understand this it doesn't make it any less valid for people going through it. We are all different. There are likely to be situations that you couldn't cope with that someone else would take in their stride. Would that make you a drama llama or a tantruming drama queen?

I was a nurse and learnt how to cope well in medical emergencies. They don't phase me. I don't panic in those situations. Lots of other people do though. Would it be right for me to belittle anyone who panics in such a situation or who can't cope? They wouldn't be a drama llama for not being able to deal with it would they?

Did you and your DS escalate your safeguarding concerns to the camp owners and the council? What was the camp?

It wasn't my place to escalate anything was it? Yes, my son did. No feedback was given to him regarding what happened. It wasn't anything to do with a council so not sure why he would report it to them and I'm not going to name them on here. It was a very well known organisation.

Crikey Ange she’s had 1 day away and was looking forward to the trip en route.

You don’t know why they’ve moved, you don’t know there aren’t plans to keep her in touch with her friends and you don’t know she wasn’t lined up for 12 top grade GCSE’s either. But gods sake don’t let lack of facts get in the way of a total llama episode.

A couple of you on here are absolutely fecking barking .... what suffocating parenting .... so glad my parents weren't like that.

or where a grown adult can have a glass or two of wine of an evening without being a raging alcoholic.

Do please show me where I've said an adult drinking alcohol means they're a raging alcoholic.

And I would still love for someone to explain what positives I got from doing what many of you are saying this girl should do is stick it out.

I did. I didn't go home early. What were the positive outcomes for me of doing that as you're all so certain that there are some?

It wasn't my place to escalate anything was it? Yes, my son did. No feedback was given to him regarding what happened. It wasn't anything to do with a council so not sure why he would report it to them and I'm not going to name them on here. It was a very well known organisation.

And yet after your own horrific experience? Surely child safeguarding is all our responsibility?

Call me impolite but BULLSHIT. You really are a GF.

I think it's bad parenting to purposely put your self in a position of not being able to respond to a situation if your child needs you, yes.
I'm sure it was urgent then OP could get a taxi or call on a friend or family member for help. Equally if was an emergency then I'd presume the people in loco parentis would deal with the emergency and the OP would do all they could to get there asap.

A 16 year old needing to sleep overnight and be collected the next morning is not an emergency.

No parents should ever go out and have a drink together ever by your definition of "bad parenting".

@DecomposingComposers

*Why are you assuming that I, or the ops dd, chose to react like this? Why are you viewing it as some sort of temper tantrum?

I certainly didn't choose to starve myself. I became so upset and withdrawn that I couldn't eat. Lots of people have the same reaction to stress. Do you express your contempt for people in distressing situations in the same way?

Just because you can't understand this it doesn't make it any less valid for people going through it. We are all different. There are likely to be situations that you couldn't cope with that someone else would take in their stride. Would that make you a drama llama or a tantruming drama queen?

I was a nurse and learnt how to cope well in medical emergencies. They don't phase me. I don't panic in those situations. Lots of other people do though. Would it be right for me to belittle anyone who panics in such a situation or who can't cope? They wouldn't be a drama llama for not being able to deal with it would they?*

Look from your other comments on here it's obvious you and I are not going to agree so I wouldn't bother starting a full blown argument.

I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about OPs daughter, who hasn't stopped eating, she just doesn't want to be there and yes, threw a tantrum at the idea of having to wait until tomorrow to be picked up, which shows entitlement to me.

I accept that it might be tough for her moving house but honestly I wouldn't pick up my child from an event they asked to attend and insisted on spending a lot of money on unless they were in some kind of danger. It sends the wrong message for me.

You are the kind of person who would never dream of having a drink in your private time just in case a child wants to be picked up, even with no reason to think they might do. The culture of picking kids up the second they moan in the slightest really irritates me, so we are very different people who are not likely to see eye to eye.

I was very shy as a teenager and struggled a lot in scenarios like this. I still wouldn't have expected my parents to pick me up or be rude if they said no. Shockingly, I survived my childhood and rarely think about that Year 8 trip to the Isle of Wight.

If she had some kind of recognised anxiety or displayed some behaviour that made me think she was a danger to herself it would be different, but yes I think she will survive 5 days on this trip and it's good for her to do so.

This thread has been a revelation - mainly how incredibly judgemental people become over other parents doing any little thing that is different to how they do it.

Presumably most people love their children and try their best to do what is best for them? Also, presumably, no one ever gets it 100% right 100% of the time. Not least because their choices are influenced (for good of bad) by their own experiences and how their child interprets those actions depends on that child's specific personality etc.

What is traumatic for one, is beneficial for another - as we've seen here with different versions of similar stories.

fwiw, my own parents took a view of leaving me to handle things by myself. They would not have immediately come to get me in the same circumstances as the OP. There is also no way on earth my mum would have accepted swearing down the phone. I love them for it and am very grateful to them. It left me stronger, not weaker - but then I had the advahtage of always being rock solid in my knowledge of their love for me. It's pretty easy to imagine that wouldn't be the same for everyone, though.

And yet after your own horrific experience? Surely child safeguarding is all our responsibility?

Call me impolite but BULLSHIT. You really are a GF.

I honestly have no idea what you are talking about. My 24 year old son was offered a job. He was shocked at the disregard the manager appeared to be paying towards safeguarding and so he turned the job down and reported his concerns to the organisation that ran the camps. What more do you think that I could have added?

On this thread, where I've been repeatedly criticised for being a helicopter parent, you're now criticising me for not getting involved with my 24 year old son's employer? Would you? You'd be contacting your adult child's employer to make a complaint about something?

What more would you like to have been done here? I honestly can't see how this makes me a gf. I answered your questions other than refusing to name the organisation concerned which I don't think is unreasonable.

Hope she's happier today op and that she's able to stick it out. It will be good for her if she can, and make her first week at college easier.

If she had lots of friends at her old school/area then she'll soon have friends again in her new environment.

but yes I think she will survive 5 days on this trip and it's good for her to do so.

Can you explain how you are so sure that it will be good for her though?

It wasn't good for me even though my parents believed it would be and no doubt had MN been around then many people would have assured them that it would all be good and that I would eventually be grateful for having been made to stay.

How can you be so positive that old dd is the type who will benefit from being made to stay rather than the type who will be harmed by it?

Yes, if i had the evidence that you could claim you have i absolutely would have made sure I made my concerns in child safeguard clear to it he camp owner and the council who grant them licence to operate.

That’s if it true. Which I don’t believe for a second that’s it is.

How can you be so positive that old dd is the type who will benefit from being made to stay rather than the type who will be harmed by it?

Balance of probabilities.

Yes, if i had the evidence that you could claim you have i absolutely would have made sure I made my concerns in child safeguard clear to it he camp owner and the council who grant them licence to operate.

How would me saying what my son had already reported have made any difference?

What camp owner? It is a national organisation, who would the owner be?

And I'm don't think a council gives a licence to them. I'm not sure but they don't have a property or run it in one particular place. Would they still be licenced with a LA?

You can disbelieve me if you want. I can't prove it to you. It did happen but if you choose not to believe me then I can't do anything about it.

@AngelasAshes
hmm we prefer to take our holidays WITH our kids. Why would I want to go on holiday without them? I actually like my kids.

Different people have different views on holidays. It certainly doesn't mean that they 'don't like' their kids. That is just a snotty retort.

Personally I like to do both.

nooboo2 is there an update? Hope your daughter is ok whatever decision was made. Xx

@DecomposingComposers, but the OP's child doesn't sound remotely like you.

People are way to invested in this thread. Hope your dd is ok op
The op knows her dd better than us and Im sure she knew she was missing her old friends and just wanted a connection.

I remember couple of years ago I was changing my dd age 14 to a more structure drama group and she said Ill do the weekly class but Im not going in their stupid shows at end of year and now she can't get enough shows and has made life long friends.
So sometimes change is good for out teenagers.