To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

*they thought

@DecomposingComposers it sounds like you live your life anticipating at every moment that the worst could happen. It's perhaps not surprising, given the childhood you had, but it is unusual. If it works for you then fine, but I would worry about the strain of living with that constant anxiety over worst case scenarios. And I don't think you can reasonably say that because you take this quite extreme approach, other parents are doing a poor job if they don't.

I think we should give OP the benefit of the doubt and assume that she researched it before signing up.

I dare say that she did. I dare say that the parents sending their children on the camp that my son was meant to work at also researched it. I doubt they thought that someone without a dbs check would be working there or that an 18 year old would be responsible for first aid and administering medication because I doubt that is public knowledge.

Ask her to try another day and see how she goes.

I was a very young 16 year old and struggled immensely with my peers in those kind of situations.

Ask her to give it a good go and ask how she would feel if she left. would she feel relief or would she be upset with herself for not trying?

They pushed her into an emotionally charged series of phone calls that benefitted no one. All they had to do was let her be alone for a bit to calm down. They fucked the situation up.

@DecomposingComposers you should get help for your extreme worrying. As it happens, I don't drink at all, but I don't see why people shouldn't be allowed to. Especially when the kids are away.

I dare say that she did. I dare say that the parents sending their children on the camp that my son was meant to work at also researched it. I doubt they thought that someone without a dbs check would be working there or that an 18 year old would be responsible for first aid and administering medication because I doubt that is public knowledge.

So what's the solution? Your kids should never do anything in case it goes wrong, or go anywhere in case it isn't safe? What would give you the required level of comfort?

Your position has become more extreme as this thread has progressed. It started with you saying that OP should have collected her daughter because when you had a similar experience of homesickness as a child, it caused you to feel very distressed when your parents didn't collect you.

But your position now seems to be that there is no way of assessing whether a camp is safe, that you don't trust them to look after children properly, and that parents need to be prepared at all times for the worst case scenario to happen with a child.

That is quite an extreme position to take.

it sounds like you live your life anticipating at every moment that the worst could happen

I prepare for the worst,hope for the best.

It's amazing how many people appear to judge me yet are quick to turn to me for help when it all goes tits up, knowing that I'm likely to have a contingency in place. Been on holiday with friends before who both laughed at our drinking plan. Took the Mickey, told us to lighten up, until they needed to get to the hospital unexpectedly and then were grateful that we could drive their children home and take the hire car back rather than having us all stranded 50 miles away from the hotel. Do, yes, being prepared has paid off. I don't apologise for that.

How are things today O.P? You were right to not collect her last night drink or no drink? If she also volunteered to go then some responsibility to give it a proper chance rests on her shoulders. 1 night is not enough at her age.
However if things have not improved by this evening then I would collect her. I would also be slow sending her away on any other trips after this though. A little bit of tough love is sometimes required I think. God, parenting is hard.

I believe decomposing. We always have a driver sober and ready just in case. Our first DC is almost uni age but we will continue while they are in uni. Why we choose that is as adult children of alcoholics. Who have suffered first hand the consequences of parents unable to help in some serious situations because boozing is more important.

I resent the implication that you can’t “live” without alcohol. Must be sad to only feel like you’re “living a little” if you’ve been drinking.

@DecomposingComposers ok, you've had your say, more than once. We get it. However your experience is clearly at the extreme end of a very broad spectrum, and i don't think it's helpful at all to repeatedly project that, quite forcibly I might add, onto someone else's situation.
FWIW I agree with everything @RedHatsDoNotSuitMe has said. One night being left to calm down is not going to damage OP's DD in any way, especially as OP has already indicated that she will gladly collect her today if she still wants to leave.

They pushed her into an emotionally charged series of phone calls that benefitted no one. All they had to do was let her be alone for a bit to calm down. They fucked the situation up.

Another load of speculation. Did they push her into the call, or simply offer it? Did the DD perhaps actually ask for a call? Did they give her a bit of alone time and then decide it wasn't working? Do they have a policy that kids can't be left alone which they had to adhere to? Were they just responding in the manner they reasonably thought best at the time, without the benefit of hindsight to guide them?

All questions we don't know the answer to, and yet you're still concluding they must have fucked up.

Your DD sounds like a spoilt little s..t
She would be happy for her dad to drive after he has been drinking.
You both have a life,live it.

See how she is today OP and take it from there. Can't believe some of the responses on here, she's 16!

As for neither parent drinking until their offspring are 50 years old .... just in case .... what utter madness. Surely one of the perks of being 'child free' for a weekend or so is the freedom that entails, when they're young and need babysitters. I remember joyfully waving DDs off to brownie camp and all the parents heading for the local pub. If by some chance they had needed picking up early we would have dealt with it somehow ... taxis, grandparents, friends. You can't live your life thinking of worse case scenarios, what a grim existence.

gregoire

My position remains the same. I am aware that things might not be as they seem so I wouldn't force my child to stay in a situation that they weren't comfortable with . I would make sure that I could remove them from the situation if that's what they wanted.

I just wouldn't take the view that is expressed on here that they are definitely safe, being looked after etc. I would hope that they were but if they said differently the. I would believe them

Clearly it's a case of out of sight out of mind for some parents.

Fucking hell that's nasty.

I believe decomposing. We always have a driver sober and ready just in case. Our first DC is almost uni age but we will continue while they are in uni. Why we choose that is as adult children of alcoholics. Who have suffered first hand the consequences of parents unable to help in some serious situations because boozing is more important.

There's a world of difference between parents having a glass of wine on a Thursday night and being alcoholics, and how horrible of you to imply they're the same.

Alcohol isn't the only thing that prevents a parent from being on hand to help adult offspring, so unless you're a huge hypocrite I assume you also never go on holiday together, or travel more than a couple of hours away from your kids at the same time?

I just wouldn't take the view that is expressed on here that they are definitely safe, being looked after etc. I would hope that they were but if they said differently the. I would believe them

OP's daughter didn't say she wasn't safe or being looked after. She said she wasn't having a nice time, and was with girls who already knew each other and were talking about a party she hadn't been to.

So Angela when your child is at uni you won't go on holiday to a different country, or across the world 'just in case' you're needed by your adult child?

“It's amazing how many people appear to judge me yet are quick to turn to me for help when it all goes tits up, knowing that I'm likely to have a contingency in place”

Very true. At a family garden party, my BIL and his wife were drinking and so lost track of their kids & all sense of parental responsibility. My DH noticed their 3yr old had wandered away. He goes looking for her and she was put front toddling off to a busy road. He scooped her up and carried her back to her parents to let them know they should really be paying attention. They thought it was hilarious their child was about to step into a busy road and then tried to get her to drink red bull. We ended up babysitting their 3 kids plus ours the entire time.
(We had our hands full with an infant and 2yr old at the time).

If we’d all been drinking, that day would have ended in tragedy.

If she was younger I'd say go and get her but bloody hell she's 15/16

She just needs to get involved in the conversation. Ask them about the party, engage with their stories, laugh along.

If she leaves now, whne they all start college she'll be singled out as the girl that went home sad.

Very true. At a family garden party, my BIL and his wife were drinking and so lost track of their kids & all sense of parental responsibility. My DH noticed their 3yr old had wandered away. He goes looking for her and she was put front toddling off to a busy road. He scooped her up and carried her back to her parents to let them know they should really be paying attention. They thought it was hilarious their child was about to step into a busy road and then tried to get her to drink red bull. We ended up babysitting their 3 kids plus ours the entire time.
*(We had our hands full with an infant and 2yr old at the time).
*
If we’d all been drinking, that day would have ended in tragedy.

Again - totally different scenarios. Being drunk when you are the adult responsible for your child is NOT the same as having a drink when your child is safe in the care of other responsible adults.

I assume you and your husband have never and will never go on holiday together without your adult children? After all, what if they need you while you're away?

“So Angela when your child is at uni you won't go on holiday to a different country, or across the world 'just in case' you're needed by your adult child?”

we prefer to take our holidays WITH our kids. Why would I want to go on holiday without them? I actually like my kids.

That's an extreme example though Angela - most of us on here are talking about a few glasses of wine, not getting completely wasted and ignoring our tiny kids and putting them in danger.

Greg. But students at uni are not in the care of responsible adults are they? You harp on “different scenario” when you are doing the exact same thing with your uni & holidays scenario.