To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

Why was the only safeguarding option to insist that she attended the campfire?

It wasn't - where did you get that idea? The alternative was that OP's daughter was allowed to go to the office and phone her parents. She wasn't forced to participate in the activity.

And I, I don't have faith in safeguarding at these camps.

One very well known one was perfectly happy for my son to work as a leader despite his DBS not coming through in time. Apparently they trusted that he was ok! Wth? That was enough for him to resign on the spot and refuse to have any more to do with it. The staff were in teams of 2 responsible for a group of students. My son, aged 24 was partnered with an 18 year old who was also in charge of first aid and administering medication. Yep, that sounds well run and adhering to safeguarding. Apparently there was a roaming senior member of staff contactable by phone. This involved camping and staying in halls of residence at a university so again.

Decomposing,

No one can definitively answer your question. Firstly maybe they judged that ‘alone time’ was not what she ‘needed’.

Secondly, re safeguarding, it is all to do with distance of staff, the setting and ratios. If it is in woodland, wandering off could be genuinely dangerous. Maybe the camp fire is far from the sleeping area and there has to be an available member of staff within a certain distance and all the staff needed to stay by the fire to maintain the legal supervision ratio.

When responsible for others’ children you need to plan for the worst and, sometimes, the outcomes may appear a bit silly.

@Jillyhilly you're right. if I had dropped everything to do what my daughter wanted she wouldn't have the great group of friends she has now and be able to join group activities where she doesn't know anyone. I believe I have done the right thing for my daughter as her confidence has grown over the years. I'm hoping this continues.

Decomp your childhood expertise is awful and make cautionary reading, but can I just say that it’s starting to feel a little like if a poster said today is Friday in camp you’d say that it was as Saturday which is beginning to undermine your more valid points.

but that was the reason why she couldn't be collected.

Yes I know and I'm saying why it wouldn't be applicable in my case, because we don't both drink at the same time in case we need to drive due to an emergency. It is hardly difficult. This girl was away from home. The dad is the only 1 able to drive. Would it have killed him to not have a drink, just in case?

Clearly it's a case of out of sight out of mind for some parents.

And I, I don't have faith in safeguarding at these camps.

That's your prerogative, but it doesn't mean these camps are unsafe. It sounds like you've encountered a dodgy one. That doesn't mean they're all dodgy - they should be assessed on their merits. We have no idea what the security arrangements of this camp are. It's absolutely daft for you to assume it's unsafe because you've had a bad experience with a totally different camp.

Experience not expertise

Clearly it's a case of out of sight out of mind for some parents. and that’s really uncalled for.

This girl was away from home. The dad is the only 1 able to drive. Would it have killed him to not have a drink, just in case?

How far do you take this? If your child has left home for uni should you never have a drink again in case she calls you wanting to be picked up from somewhere?

The OP and her husband know that her daughter is safe. They are not bad parents for having had a drink. If there was a genuine emergency, they would almost certainly be able to get to her (by way of a taxi or a lift from a friend / family member). Even if they couldn't get there immediately, they could get there within a few hours, knowing all the while that she was being safely looked after.

I find it really hard to believe they couldn't have left her alone albeit with someone just outside or back at the offices. She might have calmed herself down and gone outside with everyone else and these distressed phone calls avoided. They sound fucking useless.

I get that 16 isn't an adult but I'm pretty sure I wasn't kept on suicide watch at 16 even if I did sometimes cry and get distressed.

Agree with gregoire's post at 9:08. Clearly it's a sliding scale. Most parents are just trying to steer a reasonable course between the extremes of "my kids have to finish everything they start because nobody likes a quitter" (my own parents' attitude, which sucked) and "somebody needs to rush out and make an emergency four hour round-trip at night because one night of homesickness might damage a teenager forever".

Whatever age your child is, you need to make a judgment call. For instance, putting non-essential plans ahead of a unwell small child with a fever who just wants to be with a parent or regular carer is a bit rubbish. At the other end of the scale, I know mothers who make it a point of principle that they will cancel any engagement, however important, even if it means pissing off family or losing friends, if their preschool age children say " mummy, I don't want you to go out". Unsurprisingly, they never go out, they're completely frazzled and their kids are out of control. Everything has a happy medium.

Considering how little facts the OP has actually given, it’s ridiculous some of the statements that are being made for both arguments here. Everything is speculative.

larrygrylls

I understand that. But I'm questioning another poster's assurances that camps are different now and that 1-2-1 with a leader or a buddy system is the norm.

It clearly isn't in this case is it? They weren't able to be flexible to this child's needs. Had they been maybe the outcome would be different.

TSSDNCOP

Are you referring to my report on the way a certain camp is run? I'm not trying to be contrary. I'm just trying to point out that these camps are not always well run.

Clearly it's a case of out of sight out of mind for some parents.

Totally unnecessary and cruel comment. I appreciate that you've had horrific childhood experiences which mean this thread has been triggering for you, but without wanting to minimise that I think you need to accept that this thread isn't about you, and the situation isn't the same as yours was. Insinuating that people don't think about or care for their children because your own parents weren't great is deeply unfair.

In an effort to put this in perspective, this is a 5 day sleepover activity not a boot camp of life where if you quit you are doomed to never learn the life skills of resilience, dealing with being the outsider with a close knit group of peers, respect, independence etc.

There will be many other opportunities.

@SnuggyBuggy I'm sure it was a case of not wanting to exclude her and to encourage her to be part of the bonfire activity so that she would calm down and make friends quicker if she joined in. Being away would cause her to be isolated.

If I didn't trust the camp, I wouldn't send my DC at all. If I felt like I had to sit up and worry about them then there's clearly a problem.

How far do you take this? If your child has left home for uni should you never have a drink again in case she calls you wanting to be picked up from somewhere?

That is exactly what we do, yes. One of us drinks, the other doesn't. It's hardly the ultimate sacrifice.

How do they know that the dd is safe? It doesn't sound like the best run camp does it? As snuggy says, they sound useless.

Oh leave it out @DecomposingComposers. You can't seriously tell me that one of you stays sober in case your ADULT DC in uni needs you. If it's true then it's incredibly sad and it's about time you lived a little.

If I didn't trust the camp, I wouldn't send my DC at all.

What would make you not trust them though? They are hardly likely to admit being shit before you book your child onto it are they?

As op said, they gave assurances that the groups were mixed and everyone would be in the same boat. How could the reality be so spectacularly different other than they don't really know what they're doing?

Mills, she was upset and crying and said she needed a bit of time alone. That wasn't the time to try and bully her into a group activity. They fucked up.

That is exactly what we do, yes. One of us drinks, the other doesn't. It's hardly the ultimate sacrifice.

That's your choice to make, but it's quite an extreme one. I'm not a big drinker, but my husband and I will both sometimes have a glass of wine with dinner, or go to the pub for a pint on a Sunday afternoon. I don't think we are unusual in that.

I don't have any problem with you making whatever choice works for you, but it's not fair for you to suggest that it's bad parenting to make a different one.

How do they know that the dd is safe? It doesn't sound like the best run camp does it? As snuggy says, they sound useless.

It sounds like they've been daft to put the OP's daughter in a group with other girls who know each other already, but nothing that has been said remotely gives the impression that the camp is unsafe, and I think we should give OP the benefit of the doubt and assume that she researched it before signing up.

Pinkyyy

Yes we do. And why can people only live a little if they drink? I don't get that. Having a good time doesn't rely on drinking alcohol. That's quite a sad viewpoint tbh.

And it's not only in case an adult child needs us. It's in case there are other emergencies - an elderly relative might be taken ill for example.

@SnuggyBuggy they didn't mess up. They dealt with the situation as she thought best even encouraging her to phone home.