To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

And as for one experience of homesickness preventing you going off to university and it all being your parents fault, did you not ever wonder how other people cope and think really there were some wider issues at play?

Wider issues such as?

I don't understand why some people are afraid of heights, or of dogs or of flying because I don't have a fear of those things. What I can understand is the concept of fear though. I wouldn't insist that a person who is scared of heights absolutely has to suck up their fear, get on with it and face it for a week.

No wonder so many teens are having mental health crises, or are harming themselves over issues like failing exams when their parents seemingly refuse to understand how they are feeling and expect them to tough it out.

How do you expect your child to trust you with their fears when you dismiss them if they try?

Forcing a child to do something they don’t want to isn’t always the right way to build resilience.

And as for “she’ll learn it’s ok to quit” - well of course it is. With discussion and consideration it is absolutely fine to do just that.

Lots of adults on here who clearly have little empathy for a teenager in a very tough situations

This girl - and fwiw 16y is still a kid in so many ways as anyone who has patented a 16u knows - is in a group of girls who all know one another except her.

Anyone would find that incredibly hard!

And as for it teaching resilience. Not necessarily at all. It could do the exact opposite! And lead to even more issues when she goes to the college.

She was wrong to get stroppy with you. I'm sure she knows that too, but I suspect she was upset, stressed and desperate to get away - and can't do that in her own. In many ways a teenager can react like toddlers. Obviously we call them out in this but they still need compassion and empathy as we do so, in order for them to learn and grow.

I would call this morning and pick her up if she still wanted you too.

I certainly wouldn't force her to stick it out, and I'd be wanting answers form the residential as to why they felt the grouping arrangement would be a good idea as anyone with any sense would know it wasn't going to work!

You were an adult when you went to university @DecomposingComposers. You didn't need anyone permission to leave at that point.

In theory, yes. But what my parents showed me was how they viewed it. No way would they have accepted my decision. I would have been told that I failed, that I had let them down, that I was a quitter. Similar things to what is being said on here. It was much safer not to try at all rather than to try and fail.

What happens if you’re sick and your parents don’t come? Other people look after you, you learn that you are not a priority for your parents and you readjust your relationship with them with that understanding.

The bit that jumped out for me was that she wanted a bit of time alone to try and calm herself down and they refused and basically pushed her into making that phone call. I don't condone the way she spoke to you but she was forced into a stressful situation that could have been prevented if she'd just been allowed time alone.

The organisers have messed up by putting her as the odd one out in a clique and then messed up again with no leaving her alone. I'd let her come home, you gave it a chance and were assured the groups would be mixed and they didn't even manage that.

Another thing, I honestly think she may regret coming home. What if she comes home and starts college and some of her peers are saying "Oh we saw you on the trip and you left on the first/second day!"?

Oh come on

If she's still upset this morning, then I'd pick her up. She's not going to gain anything from being there if she still hates it.

Certainly she couldn't have been picked up last night if there wasn't a safe, sober driver available.

Also, I don't think the OP did anything wrong in hanging up if the DD was swearing at her. Sixteen is old enough to understand that, if you swear and shout at someone, they have a right to step away from the conversation. Mothers do their kids no favours if they set themselves up as a designated verbal punchbag.

Anyway, I hope the OP's DD is happier this morning or on her way home!

‘Being resilient also means taking positive action and having a positive view of yourself. It doesn't just mean sticking with something that is crap and isn't working just for the sake of it. ’

This with knobs on.

I didn't know what else to do and she was only getting more and more worked up so I hung up

Pass the phone to her father?

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Yes! My school was part of some european student thing - that every year would get students from different schools all over europe together. It was funded by the eu. So I did not know any of the girls.

So Angel, in these trips we you put into a large group who all knew each other and only you didn't know anyone and expected to just fit in with a tight knit group of existing friends?

I think you need to think about your attitude first, and then help your DD. You have catastrophized quite a bit here:
What if "she's remembered at College as the girl who went on this trip and left after day 2?"
You have built it up as a great chance for her to make "friends" and that if she doesn't she will be lonely and miserable, unable to make friends at college. And you seem to be of the opinion that if she doesn't make friends early on at college she will not make any and be lonely.
This may come from guilt that you have moved her away from her friends and everyone she knew.

However it is very likely that this is only making her own worries worse - as well as making it harder for you to be sympathetic.

If your DD phones again -listen to her. Don't offer solutions or say why what she is asking is impossible, but try to ask her about how she is feeling, talk to her at length, and try to draw out whether it was all awful. Do the other girls talk to her? Are they going to the same college? Is anyone doing the same courses as her? etc.

But the key thing is to get your head in the right place first - so you can respond out of love rather than guilt and worry.

And it's not the end of the world - college may only be 20 months long but from my experience young people make friends all the way through - especially with all the parties (lots of 18ths help).

Except this child couldn't.

Yes, she could. Not being able to go home right this moment is not the same as not being able to go home at all. She was being asked to stay for one night, not the entire trip.

I'm glad that you would stay with the child - that wasn't my experience. I was definitely viewed as a major inconvenience. Would staff sit with that child all night if necessary? For repeated nights if necessary?

Sounds like you had bad staff. I have never needed to sit all night with a homesick child, but have sat with them for hours, and over a couple of nights. It's always been dictated by what the child needs and wants.

And I wasn't insinuating that emergency medical treatment would be delayed. Just what would happen if the child was ill and the parents were needed to attend but couldn't.

The parents attend when they can. In the OP's case I don't think there has been any suggestion that she couldn't have got there if there had been a medical emergency. At my camp, if the parents lived very far away, it might take them a day or so to arrive. In that case we looked after the children til they did. One year we had a swine flu break out and the kids had to stay at camp because they wouldn't have been allowed to travel. In that instance, they were looked after by us and their parents visited. A couple went home once no longer contagious, others stayed at camp when they recovered. It was up to them.

@nooboo2 in my opinion you have done exactly the right thing. You KNOW your DD ! If its any consolation, I would have done exactly the same with any of my 3,

Yes. posters on here are right in that the "leave them to tough it out" policy doesn't suit all children but at 16, the majority of children should be mature enough to cope with a few days in the company of strangers.

If you had been allowed to change your mind you would simply have pointed to that week and said as you couldn’t cope with that you couldn’t cope with uni.

Again, how can you claim to know me better than I know myself? It wasn't about the week. It was about the message that my parents sent me about what behaviour they disapprove of.

My own children went on various residential trips. On occasions they phoned and asked to come home and we always went and picked them up. It didn't stop them wanting to go again and we never refused on the basis that they had come home previously. They were never punished for it or told how much money it had cost.

What it allowed them was the chance to try with the the reassurance that if they didn't like it they could come home. They both settled at uni with no problems. Occasionally they would come home for the weekend if they needed to, and then happily went back to continue, safe in the knowledge that we were there if they needed us.

I think the OP should do as she thinks is right as her parent.
But for a slightly different view, if the child was to stick it out, she could have had a great time eventually & possibly made some new friends. From the original description, the other girls weren’t going out of their way to exclude her, but knowing each other, were part of a group, she wasn’t so the result is the daughter felt excluded. We know what teen girls are like-cliquey!

I hope it all gets sorted out, and the DD finds her way in her new school.

It would be great if she can have a bit of anxiety and homesickness and learn to manage it and get back in the game? That would be a really useful lesson for future life. If she sticks with it they will be busy doing activities during the day and she will get to know them better. You did the right thing not picking her up imo it would make it harder for her in September

No way would they have accepted my decision. I would have been told that I failed, that I had let them down, that I was a quitter. Similar things to what is being said on here. It was much safer not to try at all rather than to try and fail.

When you’re an adult your parents have to accept your decision whether they like it or not.

What you’re really saying is you didn’t have the strength to do what was right for you regardless of what they said.

And as you didn’t try you can’t know for sure.. A uni course that is not working long term is not the same as a week’s trip. I don’t know your parents but it’s perfectly possible they could have seen the difference.

Other people look after you, you learn that you are not a priority for your parents and you readjust your relationship with them with that understanding.

Difference in parenting styles then. My children will always be my priority and they know that.

Oh and my own 17y is very resilient. Had joined groups without knowing anyone. Off on a pre university residential next week without knowing anyone. Etc.
But even she'd struggle with being In This situation of everyone being in a ore existing tight know friendship group And her being the only outsider .
Some of her friends - because let's face it teens this age very massively - would find it horrific. Dd would struggle but try to cope, but I'd have no hesitation in helping her out and getting her the next day if she wanted me to.

Have you heard from her this morning OP? Is she ok?

Again, how can you claim to know me better than I know myself

I’m not. But I know the excuses people make to push onto other people decisions they don’t want to have to take responsibility for.

Your children are different people, the may well have stuck our uni even if you had encouraged them not to leave their trips.

I completely understand not being able to collect her as you’ve already been drinking. I wouldn’t make her ‘stick it out’ if she’s still upset tomorrow. Collect her in the morning - thier 15-17 not 5-7, friendships aren’t so easily formed at that age especially amongst girls who already know each other really well - I don’t think sending her on this trip was the best idea to be honest.

Mine too, Decomposing Composers.
I was remembering having appendicitis at boarding school.
And flu.
And breaking my arm in two places.
Parents never showed up.

If she sticks with it they will be busy doing activities during the day and she will get to know them better.

That didn't make me feel any better. I had to participate in the activities because the staff made me. It didn't make me feel any better. I got more and more withdrawn and got more isolated because the other students were busy enjoying themselves, they didn't want to have to console me.

Please explain how me bring made to stick it out had any positives at all?