To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

@TheGoodEnoughWife

I completely agree with what you've said.

Ime, teaching your children that you are there for them and you will help them if they ask gives them confidence to try new things, and to not be afraid of making mistakes.

Sometimes things seem like a good idea on paper but when we do them we realise that we don't like it or that it isn't for us. It's brave to change your mind, to admit you were wrong about something. I don't think teaching children that if you choose to do something then you have to see it through regardless of how it makes you feel is a good thing.

To hone in on the one subphrase where I said she likely had to jump through hoops to access the staff phone is being deliberately obtuse. I prefaced with “likely” to indicate the sub clause is not one of the facts.

What absolute nonsense. For one thing you already know your entire scenario isn't true, because OP explained the steps her daughter took to use the phone and it turns out she was actually offered it by staff when she didn't want to join the campfire. Hardly a hoop.

Furthermore, the 'jumping through hoops' aspect is the most important part of your scenario, because you're trying to suggest that's what the issue is. You can't pass that off as a 'sub clause' (and speaking or how grammar works, that isn't what a sub clause is).

You were disingenuously making out that your deliberately negative assessment of the situation was 'the facts' even though you have no way of knowing what they are. Of course you're going to get called out for that.

gregoire

So had the dd really wanted to have phoned home at 3am would it have been easy for her to do so then?

gregoire

How do staff deal with a teen crying hysterically in the middle of the night because they want to go home? Or do they not deal with them? Are they just told to get on with it because it's character building?

Youre nasty to hang up on her. You should have told her once dad was legal, he would come and get her. Or ask a friend to fetch her (you cover fuel and be forever in their debt).

Your daughter was upset and wanted to come home. You pushed her away.

This will stay with her.

Your dh is an absolute moron for thinking water will sober him up and trying to drive drunk. What an idiot, a total twat.

How would you deal with a child behaving as the ops dd is then? What's the protocol on the camps you've been on for dealing with a child that upset?*

You comfort them, you discuss their feelings, you explain that it's ok to be homesick. You ask them what can be done there and then to help them, and if it's possible you do that thing. That might be a phone call, or an activity to distract them.

The kids can go home at any time. We always discuss this with the parents. Most are ready and willing to pick their kids up. But we encourage the kids to try it for a few days. I've never known one actually decide to leave yet.

And how would you deal with, say a medical emergency, when the parent come to the child because they've been drinking?

At a sleepaway camp, the staff are in loco parentis. You would never endanger a child by waiting for their parents to come in an emergency - you would take them to hospital or call an ambulance. You would obviously call the parents immediately, but you would stay with the child and look after them until the parents arrived. Where I work, the parents are often based hundreds of miles away. It can be a day before they arrive anyway.

If OP's child needed medical attention I expect they would find a way to attend (lift from a friend, taxi). It's not really a comparable situation to what's happened here, is it?

Who knows? Certainly not you or me. We don't have 'the facts'.

How do staff deal with a teen crying hysterically in the middle of the night because they want to go home? Or do they not deal with them? Are they just told to get on with it because it's character building?

We comfort them and support them. I would never tell a child just to get on with it. But it also just wouldn't be possible to get someone to pick them up. Some of their parents are hundreds of miles away.

It isn't a binary. The choices aren't 'go home' or 'be left to cry hysterically'. We help children by listening to and validating their feelings, and helping them develop strategies for dealing with them. That's how you build happy, resilient adults with the confidence to handle life's ups and downs.

If a child truly wanted to go home, they could. I've just never known it happen yet at the camp I work at.

I wouldn't have collected her and I wouldn't today with what the staff said. I have been her (at 14 on a French exchange - obviously couldn't come home although had other trips away when I was happy) and worked at a sleepaway camp. I remember two girls that summer who were homesick (mine were 10) and we spoke to their parents regularly (they didn't speak to them much) and both decided to leave them there. They both returned year on year having a great time with loads of friends.

I'd be worried this was more about not being able to use her phone.

I would encourage her to stay, I would give it a bit longer (maybe until this evening or even the next morning), she’s bound to find it tough if she doesn’t know anyone but she’s going to have this issue at college. I keep trying to encourage my daughter to do similar things and she does go on trips without her friends. I can remember starting college and not knowing anyone, the first few days were hard as I didn’t know anyone but I soon made friends, she needs to learn that it takes time to make new friends.

I've only read the first 100 posts (and I will go back and read the rest in a moment) but @nooboo2 if you were told that the groups would be mixed, you should contact the activity centre first thing this morning and request that they be mixed as your daughter is not with a mixed group, she is from a group that requested to stay together, a clique if you will. Not a good way to start any weekend away.
They solve it or you'll be collecting your daughter and demanding the cost of the remaining days back. Very simple.

They shouldn't have done the groups like that. Whether the girls asked to stay together or not, the activity centre should have honoured their position and mixed EVERY group up.

Good luck today.
now going back to read from post 101 onwards

Ring the organisers of the camp - they are responsible for her well being and see what can be done. But at 16 I think regardless of how she is feeling she should understand its dangerous and unfair to ask a person who has been drinking to drive. This should have been your number one point!

I only went on 1 trip. Was so incredibly homesick and was made to stick it out, assured that I would come to enjoy it except that I didn't. That experience, how I felt and learning how my parents reacted damaged me for a very long time. I feared ever experiencing anything like it again and so, in my head, I figured the only way to avoid feeling like it was simply to never go away again. I couldn't risk going to uni, wanting to come home but being forced to stay.

Not going to uni off the back of homesickness on a one week trip is bizarre. You can’t blame your parents for that.

If they’d let you come home you could equally have reasoned that you couldn’t go to uni on the basis of having had to come home.

I don’t think you’d have gone to uni either way, and if you had you may not have coped.

You just sound fearful and not very resilient.

I have now read the full thread and realize that you have spoken with the camp leaders and also gotten more of a background to what transpired yesterday.
I do think that having a word and asking them to mix up the groups a bit might help your DD. Also, perhaps if you have a list of chores that she would have to do if she came home early (so she could see that it would be more fun to stay than come home) might be an added incentive for her to stay???

I think she’s just panicking OP, it takes a while to fit in with new people.

Or ask a friend to fetch her (you cover fuel and be forever in their debt).

There isn't a friend in the world I'd ask to drive two hours there and back to collect a 16-year-old who could be collected in the morning

I'd expect her to stay there at least another day to see if things settled down, having spent money on new gear for the trip. What happens when she goes to college, or starts a new job? There will always be times when a teenager is in a new environment and has to find a way to fit in, she can't always run away.

If a child truly wanted to go home, they could

Except this child couldn't.

I'm glad that you would stay with the child - that wasn't my experience. I was definitely viewed as a major inconvenience. Would staff sit with that child all night if necessary? For repeated nights if necessary?

And I wasn't insinuating that emergency medical treatment would be delayed. Just what would happen if the child was ill and the parents were needed to attend but couldn't.

Not going to uni off the back of homesickness on a one week trip is bizarre. You can’t blame your parents for that.

If they’d let you come home you could equally have reasoned that you couldn’t go to uni on the basis of having had to come home.

Glad that you know how I would feel better than I know myself. I've explained why I felt the way that I did. I needed to be shown that it's ok to try something and if it isn't for you to be allowed to change your mind. I was shown the exact opposite - if you decide to do something then you see it through, regardless. Is that how you live your life? Never changing your mind?

Had I been assured that if I went to uni I could come home if I didn't like it then I would have gone. But I wasn't going to be put in that position again.

Of course parents are responsible for the way that their actions affect their children.

What a bizarre thread. It is ok for teenagers (and adults too) to experience a few days of social discomfort (which is the worst case scenario here). It's nonsense to think.that the OP should gallop to the rescue after 1 tearful phonecall. I also think that, if it was her 16 year old son whod started abusing her over the phone, there be a lot more sympathy for her for hanging up.

And as for one experience of homesickness preventing you going off to university and it all being your parents fault, did you not ever wonder how other people cope and think really there were some wider issues at play?

What happens when she goes to college, or starts a new job? There will always be times when a teenager is in a new environment and has to find a way to fit in, she can't always run away.

Yes, for 8 hours a day, coming home at night. Having the familiarity of family around to support them.

That's entirely different to being isolated for a week isn't it?

Decomposing

Excellent posts.

Excellent parenting.

Not RTFT but during my first week of uni I felt very isolated, couldn't make friends, flatmates were unsociable and some knew each other previously. At the end of the first fortnight my parents came to visit and I begged them to take me home with them. I still remember being stood outside my halls on the street crying as they drove off.

I can't imagine how that must have felt for them but I'm so thankful they did! Things got better very quickly and I know if I'd quit I would have regretted it forever. It's not the same scenario but what I'm saying is sometimes it's better to stick out uncomfortable situations and give things a chance. With any luck the girls on the trip will befriend the dd and something good will come from it.

You were an adult when you went to university @DecomposingComposers. You didn't need anyone permission to leave at that point.

If you had been allowed to change your mind you would simply have pointed to that week and said as you couldn’t cope with that you couldn’t cope with uni. And you might be right. This is all justification to blame your parents for not going to uni rather than just take responsibility for the fact that you probably weren’t cut out for it.

A decision about one week does not set hard and fast rules for the rest of your life - and that is a really odd conclusion to come to.